“Cops!” Someone yelled and the crowd took off in different directions like a herd of antelope running from a wolf.
I took off with Trey on my heels, laughing so hard that I had to stop running after only a few blocks.
“What the f**k is wrong with you, man?” Aiden’s face was a cross between delight and disappointment.
“He had enough,” I replied, rubbing my bloodied knuckles with the bottom of my dark blue T-shirt.
“Yeah. You almost f**king killed him.”
I shrugged as my eyes scanned the street. He deserved more than what he got. Visions of that prick grabbing Rose’s ass in the hallway flashed in my memory. Anger began to creep back as I saw the look of fear on her face. Not the normal reaction you would expect from a girl who was used to getting attention from dumb high school boys. That look…I had seen it before on my mother a million times. It doesn’t matter that he thought this was all about bumping into me in the hall, doesn’t matter that Rose didn’t know my true motive. I knew.
“Which way did Rose go?” I asked.
“What? Who the f**k cares, man?”
I turned back to him, still seething and ready for round two.
“I f**king care.”
“Yeah, I see that. It’s just weird because I’ve never even seen you two talk.” He took a step back and shook his head.
“We don’t.” I scanned the street again, not hearing any sirens. “I just don’t want her going down for my stupid shit.” I had barely said two words to Rose, but I knew she wasn’t like them. The way she looked at me it was just…different. She didn’t see the worthless criminal everyone else saw, even though that was exactly who I was.
I sank down on my couch and listened to Rose sobbing in the bedroom. I f**ked up. There was no coming back from what I’d just done. She had broken my heart into a million shards and I had never recovered, and now I was going to return the favor.
I pushed myself up from the couch and made my way to the kitchen in a haze of confusion. I grabbed the bottle of Jack from the freezer and tilted it to my lips, closing my eyes and letting it burn a path of fire down my core.
“Please! I won’t tell anyone,” she cried from the other side of the locked door. I shook my head and tilted the bottle back to my lips. I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone, just like she had never told anyone about us. My memories were mine alone. No one else saw the way she held my hand, the way her eyes sparkled before she pressed her soft lips to mine. It was like none of it had ever happened, and I wasn’t sure that it ever really had, until today when she walked back into my life.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Her voice wavered as she called out to me. I wasn’t there. The guy standing in the kitchen with liquor burning his throat was not the guy she fell in love with. I was an angry, empty shell of my former self.
“Why?” I called back, laughing maniacally as my brain began to succumb to the fog. I was an angry drunk, and I realized too late that this was going to end very badly. “You have always been such a selfish bitch. Why am I doing this to you?”
Her cries grew louder and I ran my hand roughly through my hair, trying desperately to calm myself before I did something I regretted.
“Why the f**k are you even here?” I screamed, on the verge of losing it. I tipped the bottle back one last time. Chilled amber liquid ran down my chin and over my chest before it stopped at the waistband of my sweatpants. “Fuck that’s cold,” I said to myself as I screwed the cap back on and placed the bottle back in the freezer.
“You’re going to be the death of me, Rose.” I shook my head and stumbled back into the living room, falling gracelessly onto the old leather couch. A pile of stacked books behind me toppled and slammed into the hardwood floor. Rose stopped crying instantly. I let my head fall back as I stared up at the peeling, cracking paint on the ceiling. Good. A moment of f**king peace. My vision blurred as I tried to rationalize what was happening.
I stopped looking for Rose years ago, forcing myself to believe she was long dead. The odds had been stacked against her since she was a kid. Regardless of who that woman was locked in the spare bedroom, my Rose was dead. This was no different from any other job I had done in the past. Although I had never had to down half a bottle of Jack to be able to do this before. There were rules, and as long as everyone stuck to them, we parted ways.
My head was completely f**ked and she was the reason. She was always the reason. My eyes continued to blur, but now out of sadness and loss.
“This is all your f**king fault,” I mumbled as I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands. “All of this!” I yelled as my emotions began to spill over and I lost any semblance of control.
“I’m sorry!” Her voice was full of tears, like mine. That only infuriated me further.
“Not yet, darlin’, but you will be.” I gritted my teeth and pushed myself off the couch. I didn’t want to deal with the pain; I wanted to f**king drown it — kill off any part of my heart that still beat for her.
Everything went sideways leaning on the white laminate countertop to support myself. I ran my hand over my mouth as I tried to focus. My head was screaming to take Rose and drop her off a few miles away, but my heart and my c**k wanted more from her than even I was willing to admit.
I had no control when it came to her, and it landed me in trouble on more than one occasion.
How was it possible for her to have this control over me after all of this time? What about her was so f**king special?
“What’s wrong, babe?” I pressed my forehead against hers as she struggled to calm herself down. My fingers slipped into the belt loops of her jeans, and I pulled her body closer as her eyes drifted closed.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Just make me forget,” she whispered, her minty breath blew over my lips and I sucked in a ragged breath, inhaling her.
“What do you want me to do, Rose? Tell me how to make you better.” I ran my fingers over her cheekbone, causing her chocolate eyes to flutter before they opened, locked on mine.
“Touch me.” Her voice wavered but her eyes did not. I let my fingers slide back into her soft hair, gripping it between my fingers as I pressed my lips against hers. Soft and gentle at first, until her mouth began to move with mine, coaxing something deeper, begging for more. I let my tongue glide over her lower lip, soft and sweet. Her taste was intoxicating. She sighed as her lips fell open and her head lay back against my hand. I held her firmly against my mouth as I kissed away her sadness. She made me forget about the world, my life, my own pain.
“I don’t deserve you.” I pulled back to catch my breath as I slid my nose along her throat, washing myself in her flowery scent. I loved that I could smell her on me hours after I left her. It kept me level, kept me from thinking of only myself.
“Don’t say that,” Rose whispered as her hand came up to glide over my cheek. I smiled, grabbing her hand and placing a kiss on her palm before nipping it with my teeth.
“It’s true,” I replied. She smiled as she tugged her hand back from my mouth, but I squeezed it, not letting her pull away from me. “You make me so f**king crazy.”
Her eyes drifted from mine to my mouth and she took a small step closer, pushing her body against mine. I couldn’t help my physical reaction whenever she was near. I wanted her, every piece of her. I would have waited until the end of time if that was what she needed.
Her free hand slipped between us and she pushed against my jeans, feeling how hard I had become for her. She giggled, loving to tease me. My breath caught in my throat as I struggled not to push her against the brick wall and make love to her. I knew she wasn’t ready. At seventeen I had had my fair share of one-night stands, but Rose had had to deal with the constant mindfuck of a stepfather who couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and that made her hesitant to take our relationship to the next level.
“You think that’s funny?” I smiled as I looked down at her, cheeks flushed.
She smiled back, knowing the power she had over me.
“I do, as a matter of fact.” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and bit down as she struggled not to giggle. I pushed against her hand, my smile fading as her warmth penetrated my clothes.
“I’m trying so hard, Rose.” My eyes dipped to her hand between us and back to her. “But you are such a f**king tease.”
She laughed and pulled her hand back, wiggling her fingers in front of me.
“I’m sorry!”
“You’re going to be!” I laughed with her as I lurched forward and grabbed her wrists, pinning them behind her back. She pushed herself up on the tips of her toes and kissed me hard as she moaned.
I slid down until I was sitting on the cold kitchen floor, letting the bottle fall from my hands before cradling my head in my hands.
“I f**king loved you!” I yelled, my speech slurred. My voice caught in my throat as I struggled to keep the earth from spinning out of control beneath me.
The next day I walked down the hall toward homeroom when I saw her, her long fiery hair a mess of curls. She smiled as her gaze met mine and I continued toward her, not caring if she was flanked by her friends. I wanted to pull her against me and press my lips against hers. I needed a fix. A few feet from her, Jacob stepped in front of me, facing Rose. Her smile slipped from her face but she recovered quickly.
“Hey, Jake,” she said as I stared at the back of his head wishing I could bore a hole through it. I hated the horrible jealousy that bubbled inside of me whenever someone hit on her.
“You going to the dance on Friday?” he asked, and I could feel my face heat up in anger. Jacob was a football player and came from money.
“I’ll be there.” Her eyes flicked to mine and a hint of a smile tugged at her pouty lips. “But I’m going solo.”
She and her friends stepped around him and walked by me. I turned around, watching her go with a proud smile on my face. She glanced over her shoulder and winked before disappearing down the south hall.
I patted Jacob on the shoulder as I made my way past him.
“That’s gotta hurt.” I laughed and slipped into my history class. For the first time in my life I was looking forward to an after-school function.
That night I dreamed of her, her wild red hair floating behind her as she ran. Her face turned back to mine as she laughed and I struggled to catch her, my feet slipping, sinking in the mud, keeping her just out of arm’s reach. She looked as she did now, with the exception of her hair and it was like chasing after a ghost.
“Wait,” I yelled, suddenly unable to catch my breath, but my lungs refused to expand. She continued farther, disappearing into a line of trees. My thoughts became panicked and my heart raced. I couldn’t see beyond the oaks. No matter how fast I went, my feet seemed to grow heavier and the forest slid back just out of reach.
“I’m going to see the stars!”
“Rose, wait. It’s not safe! You can’t go to California without me! You can’t leave without me.”
“Cole?” she called out playfully but was nowhere to be found. “Cole?” she called again, her voice now full of panic before a terrifying scream ripped from her throat.
Chapter Three
Right with God
I awoke, stiff and sore, my muscles screaming as I stretched, banging my fist against the cabinets. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced them open again in the harsh light as I took in my surroundings. I pushed my body off the kitchen floor with a groan. My head spun and I leaned against the counter, steadying myself before I could stand under my own volition.
My mouth was dry. I spun around, yanking open the fridge and grabbing a carton of orange juice, gulping down the contents. I tossed the empty container in the sink and ran the back of my hand over my bottom lip. The house was quiet. Too quiet. My head pulsed and throbbed and I rubbed my thumb over my temple as I struggled to recall the night before. It had to be some sort of nightmare.
I took a few steps to the edge of the kitchen and looked at the lock that was securely in place on the spare bedroom door.
“Fuck.” I ran my hand over my hair and shook my head. At least she was sleeping and I didn’t need to deal with the reality of having my high school girlfriend locked away like a prisoner in my apartment. I could pretend she was just another mark. A nameless woman who made a very bad decision to talk to a stranger in a bar.
I stumbled my way into my bedroom and shoved my sweatpants off, leaving them in a heap on the floor. I grabbed a fresh pair of faded jeans from my dresser drawer and slid them over my hips. At least they would contain my morning wood a little better than sweats once I got the balls to face her. I sank down onto my old faded beige comforter and rolled my neck from side to side, hoping to elevate some of the stiffness. The heavy fog from last night’s liquor binge hung over me, and I wished I could sleep the rest of the day away instead of feeling like shit. I often drank to numb the feelings, but my heart continued to ache no matter how much I had consumed.
My eyes scanned the top of my old dinged-up oak dresser. There were no pictures, no knickknacks to remind me of better times. The only reminder I had of a better life was locked in the next room. The pair of silver police-issue handcuffs caught my eye and I stood, swiping them off the top of the chest of drawers and sliding them into my sock drawer. If Rose saw them she might get the wrong impression. Of course, there were very few reasons for her to enter this room, none of which I wanted to entertain at the moment.
A muffled vibration caught my attention, and I looked around the room before realizing it was my phone in my dirty jeans on the floor. I grabbed it, thankful the ringer was still turned off so it wouldn’t wake Rose.
I took off with Trey on my heels, laughing so hard that I had to stop running after only a few blocks.
“What the f**k is wrong with you, man?” Aiden’s face was a cross between delight and disappointment.
“He had enough,” I replied, rubbing my bloodied knuckles with the bottom of my dark blue T-shirt.
“Yeah. You almost f**king killed him.”
I shrugged as my eyes scanned the street. He deserved more than what he got. Visions of that prick grabbing Rose’s ass in the hallway flashed in my memory. Anger began to creep back as I saw the look of fear on her face. Not the normal reaction you would expect from a girl who was used to getting attention from dumb high school boys. That look…I had seen it before on my mother a million times. It doesn’t matter that he thought this was all about bumping into me in the hall, doesn’t matter that Rose didn’t know my true motive. I knew.
“Which way did Rose go?” I asked.
“What? Who the f**k cares, man?”
I turned back to him, still seething and ready for round two.
“I f**king care.”
“Yeah, I see that. It’s just weird because I’ve never even seen you two talk.” He took a step back and shook his head.
“We don’t.” I scanned the street again, not hearing any sirens. “I just don’t want her going down for my stupid shit.” I had barely said two words to Rose, but I knew she wasn’t like them. The way she looked at me it was just…different. She didn’t see the worthless criminal everyone else saw, even though that was exactly who I was.
I sank down on my couch and listened to Rose sobbing in the bedroom. I f**ked up. There was no coming back from what I’d just done. She had broken my heart into a million shards and I had never recovered, and now I was going to return the favor.
I pushed myself up from the couch and made my way to the kitchen in a haze of confusion. I grabbed the bottle of Jack from the freezer and tilted it to my lips, closing my eyes and letting it burn a path of fire down my core.
“Please! I won’t tell anyone,” she cried from the other side of the locked door. I shook my head and tilted the bottle back to my lips. I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone, just like she had never told anyone about us. My memories were mine alone. No one else saw the way she held my hand, the way her eyes sparkled before she pressed her soft lips to mine. It was like none of it had ever happened, and I wasn’t sure that it ever really had, until today when she walked back into my life.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Her voice wavered as she called out to me. I wasn’t there. The guy standing in the kitchen with liquor burning his throat was not the guy she fell in love with. I was an angry, empty shell of my former self.
“Why?” I called back, laughing maniacally as my brain began to succumb to the fog. I was an angry drunk, and I realized too late that this was going to end very badly. “You have always been such a selfish bitch. Why am I doing this to you?”
Her cries grew louder and I ran my hand roughly through my hair, trying desperately to calm myself before I did something I regretted.
“Why the f**k are you even here?” I screamed, on the verge of losing it. I tipped the bottle back one last time. Chilled amber liquid ran down my chin and over my chest before it stopped at the waistband of my sweatpants. “Fuck that’s cold,” I said to myself as I screwed the cap back on and placed the bottle back in the freezer.
“You’re going to be the death of me, Rose.” I shook my head and stumbled back into the living room, falling gracelessly onto the old leather couch. A pile of stacked books behind me toppled and slammed into the hardwood floor. Rose stopped crying instantly. I let my head fall back as I stared up at the peeling, cracking paint on the ceiling. Good. A moment of f**king peace. My vision blurred as I tried to rationalize what was happening.
I stopped looking for Rose years ago, forcing myself to believe she was long dead. The odds had been stacked against her since she was a kid. Regardless of who that woman was locked in the spare bedroom, my Rose was dead. This was no different from any other job I had done in the past. Although I had never had to down half a bottle of Jack to be able to do this before. There were rules, and as long as everyone stuck to them, we parted ways.
My head was completely f**ked and she was the reason. She was always the reason. My eyes continued to blur, but now out of sadness and loss.
“This is all your f**king fault,” I mumbled as I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands. “All of this!” I yelled as my emotions began to spill over and I lost any semblance of control.
“I’m sorry!” Her voice was full of tears, like mine. That only infuriated me further.
“Not yet, darlin’, but you will be.” I gritted my teeth and pushed myself off the couch. I didn’t want to deal with the pain; I wanted to f**king drown it — kill off any part of my heart that still beat for her.
Everything went sideways leaning on the white laminate countertop to support myself. I ran my hand over my mouth as I tried to focus. My head was screaming to take Rose and drop her off a few miles away, but my heart and my c**k wanted more from her than even I was willing to admit.
I had no control when it came to her, and it landed me in trouble on more than one occasion.
How was it possible for her to have this control over me after all of this time? What about her was so f**king special?
“What’s wrong, babe?” I pressed my forehead against hers as she struggled to calm herself down. My fingers slipped into the belt loops of her jeans, and I pulled her body closer as her eyes drifted closed.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Just make me forget,” she whispered, her minty breath blew over my lips and I sucked in a ragged breath, inhaling her.
“What do you want me to do, Rose? Tell me how to make you better.” I ran my fingers over her cheekbone, causing her chocolate eyes to flutter before they opened, locked on mine.
“Touch me.” Her voice wavered but her eyes did not. I let my fingers slide back into her soft hair, gripping it between my fingers as I pressed my lips against hers. Soft and gentle at first, until her mouth began to move with mine, coaxing something deeper, begging for more. I let my tongue glide over her lower lip, soft and sweet. Her taste was intoxicating. She sighed as her lips fell open and her head lay back against my hand. I held her firmly against my mouth as I kissed away her sadness. She made me forget about the world, my life, my own pain.
“I don’t deserve you.” I pulled back to catch my breath as I slid my nose along her throat, washing myself in her flowery scent. I loved that I could smell her on me hours after I left her. It kept me level, kept me from thinking of only myself.
“Don’t say that,” Rose whispered as her hand came up to glide over my cheek. I smiled, grabbing her hand and placing a kiss on her palm before nipping it with my teeth.
“It’s true,” I replied. She smiled as she tugged her hand back from my mouth, but I squeezed it, not letting her pull away from me. “You make me so f**king crazy.”
Her eyes drifted from mine to my mouth and she took a small step closer, pushing her body against mine. I couldn’t help my physical reaction whenever she was near. I wanted her, every piece of her. I would have waited until the end of time if that was what she needed.
Her free hand slipped between us and she pushed against my jeans, feeling how hard I had become for her. She giggled, loving to tease me. My breath caught in my throat as I struggled not to push her against the brick wall and make love to her. I knew she wasn’t ready. At seventeen I had had my fair share of one-night stands, but Rose had had to deal with the constant mindfuck of a stepfather who couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and that made her hesitant to take our relationship to the next level.
“You think that’s funny?” I smiled as I looked down at her, cheeks flushed.
She smiled back, knowing the power she had over me.
“I do, as a matter of fact.” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and bit down as she struggled not to giggle. I pushed against her hand, my smile fading as her warmth penetrated my clothes.
“I’m trying so hard, Rose.” My eyes dipped to her hand between us and back to her. “But you are such a f**king tease.”
She laughed and pulled her hand back, wiggling her fingers in front of me.
“I’m sorry!”
“You’re going to be!” I laughed with her as I lurched forward and grabbed her wrists, pinning them behind her back. She pushed herself up on the tips of her toes and kissed me hard as she moaned.
I slid down until I was sitting on the cold kitchen floor, letting the bottle fall from my hands before cradling my head in my hands.
“I f**king loved you!” I yelled, my speech slurred. My voice caught in my throat as I struggled to keep the earth from spinning out of control beneath me.
The next day I walked down the hall toward homeroom when I saw her, her long fiery hair a mess of curls. She smiled as her gaze met mine and I continued toward her, not caring if she was flanked by her friends. I wanted to pull her against me and press my lips against hers. I needed a fix. A few feet from her, Jacob stepped in front of me, facing Rose. Her smile slipped from her face but she recovered quickly.
“Hey, Jake,” she said as I stared at the back of his head wishing I could bore a hole through it. I hated the horrible jealousy that bubbled inside of me whenever someone hit on her.
“You going to the dance on Friday?” he asked, and I could feel my face heat up in anger. Jacob was a football player and came from money.
“I’ll be there.” Her eyes flicked to mine and a hint of a smile tugged at her pouty lips. “But I’m going solo.”
She and her friends stepped around him and walked by me. I turned around, watching her go with a proud smile on my face. She glanced over her shoulder and winked before disappearing down the south hall.
I patted Jacob on the shoulder as I made my way past him.
“That’s gotta hurt.” I laughed and slipped into my history class. For the first time in my life I was looking forward to an after-school function.
That night I dreamed of her, her wild red hair floating behind her as she ran. Her face turned back to mine as she laughed and I struggled to catch her, my feet slipping, sinking in the mud, keeping her just out of arm’s reach. She looked as she did now, with the exception of her hair and it was like chasing after a ghost.
“Wait,” I yelled, suddenly unable to catch my breath, but my lungs refused to expand. She continued farther, disappearing into a line of trees. My thoughts became panicked and my heart raced. I couldn’t see beyond the oaks. No matter how fast I went, my feet seemed to grow heavier and the forest slid back just out of reach.
“I’m going to see the stars!”
“Rose, wait. It’s not safe! You can’t go to California without me! You can’t leave without me.”
“Cole?” she called out playfully but was nowhere to be found. “Cole?” she called again, her voice now full of panic before a terrifying scream ripped from her throat.
Chapter Three
Right with God
I awoke, stiff and sore, my muscles screaming as I stretched, banging my fist against the cabinets. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced them open again in the harsh light as I took in my surroundings. I pushed my body off the kitchen floor with a groan. My head spun and I leaned against the counter, steadying myself before I could stand under my own volition.
My mouth was dry. I spun around, yanking open the fridge and grabbing a carton of orange juice, gulping down the contents. I tossed the empty container in the sink and ran the back of my hand over my bottom lip. The house was quiet. Too quiet. My head pulsed and throbbed and I rubbed my thumb over my temple as I struggled to recall the night before. It had to be some sort of nightmare.
I took a few steps to the edge of the kitchen and looked at the lock that was securely in place on the spare bedroom door.
“Fuck.” I ran my hand over my hair and shook my head. At least she was sleeping and I didn’t need to deal with the reality of having my high school girlfriend locked away like a prisoner in my apartment. I could pretend she was just another mark. A nameless woman who made a very bad decision to talk to a stranger in a bar.
I stumbled my way into my bedroom and shoved my sweatpants off, leaving them in a heap on the floor. I grabbed a fresh pair of faded jeans from my dresser drawer and slid them over my hips. At least they would contain my morning wood a little better than sweats once I got the balls to face her. I sank down onto my old faded beige comforter and rolled my neck from side to side, hoping to elevate some of the stiffness. The heavy fog from last night’s liquor binge hung over me, and I wished I could sleep the rest of the day away instead of feeling like shit. I often drank to numb the feelings, but my heart continued to ache no matter how much I had consumed.
My eyes scanned the top of my old dinged-up oak dresser. There were no pictures, no knickknacks to remind me of better times. The only reminder I had of a better life was locked in the next room. The pair of silver police-issue handcuffs caught my eye and I stood, swiping them off the top of the chest of drawers and sliding them into my sock drawer. If Rose saw them she might get the wrong impression. Of course, there were very few reasons for her to enter this room, none of which I wanted to entertain at the moment.
A muffled vibration caught my attention, and I looked around the room before realizing it was my phone in my dirty jeans on the floor. I grabbed it, thankful the ringer was still turned off so it wouldn’t wake Rose.
