She lowered her head so that our gazes locked, and once again the memories and recollections shining out of her eyes battered against me. Her experiences hurt and I wasn’t the one that had to live through them.
“Occasionally, he would act like I’d finally done something right, like I’d earned his approval. I would soak those moments up like a sponge, until I realized the only reason he lowered himself to giving me any kind of praise was to hurt either my mom or Salem. We weren’t his loved ones or his family. We were toys he played with and tormented for his amusement.”
She closed her eyes briefly and let out a sigh that had so much emotion in it I thought it was going to knock her off her feet. When her eyelids fluttered back open I knew I needed to stay braced for the rest of her story.
“It wasn’t until I moved home after my freshman year of college that I realized what a truly awful man he was. Without me and Salem in the house the only person around to take the brunt of his blame and brimstone was my mom. He never loved her. He married her because she served a purpose and had standing in the community. She was good for his image and legitimized him as something more than a struggling immigrant. The only reason he stayed with her was because a wife and kids were part of the required packaging if you wanted to sell yourself to others as a man of God and as an upstanding citizen. He couldn’t preach about relationships and family if he didn’t have his own.”
“Poppy …” I breathed out her name not sure if I was urging her to stop or to keep going. My mom left me but ultimately that abandonment saved me from a life of being dragged from flophouse to flophouse as she chased after her next fix. I always felt like I was missing out not having a real family consisting of both a mom and a dad, but Poppy’s revelations were making me feel like maybe I had lucked out by getting left behind. Things had never been great, but they hadn’t ever been as bad as she was describing. Who wanted four walls to call your own when you were trapped inside them with a nightmare that never ended? Unending days of belittling and breaking down sounded unbearable.
“When I came home from college, he told me over and over that I was a disgrace. He didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was disgusted by the mere sight of me. Salem was long gone by then and my mom was so emotionally stripped and physically worn down that I was his only available target. I spent so much of my life trying to earn his love, killing myself for his approval, that I let him convince me I was nothing. I believed him when he told me I couldn’t be trusted to make decisions for myself. I’d made a mess of things the first time I struck out on my own and there were no second chances.”
I wanted to ask what went wrong when she left for college but I didn’t get a chance to put a word in edgewise. She placed her hands flat on the counter and leaned toward me a little, her long hair slithering over her shoulders and down around her face. If I pressed forward I could get my hands in it and stop her from hiding, but something told me she needed that layer of protection between us as she continued giving me words that wounded.
“My father is the one that brought Oliver around.” When she said his name her entire body convulsed. “He was a deacon in Dad’s church and had all the things my father thought would make an acceptable son-in-law.” She frowned, her eyebrows snapping sharply above her nose. “Meaning he was a carbon copy of my dad: controlling, abusive, angry. He hid it well up until he had a ring on my finger, but not even an hour after our vows, he let his true colors shine through.”
“Why didn’t someone help you? Where was your sister? Your mom?” The words came out far angrier than I intended them to but I was furious she’d had to face all of that on her own.
She gave another one of those high-pitched, hysterical laughs and shook her head slowly from side to side. “Salem didn’t know until after the fact. She would have stopped it. She would have driven to Texas from wherever she was and kidnapped me to keep me from making such a big mistake, and my mom …” Again her head rocked back and forth. “She wouldn’t ever cross my father. If he hadn’t spent a lifetime ruining her maybe she would have tried to keep me from making the same mistake she did, but there was nothing left in her. I found that out the hard way when I told her that Oliver was hitting me and she told me to try harder to make him happy.”
“The fuck!” My hands tightened into fists and I couldn’t stop myself from rounding the counter and walking right up to her. We were so close that I could feel the way she was vibrating and I knew she could feel the heat of my anger coming off my skin. “That’s not okay, Poppy.”
She turned her head to look at me and I instinctively reached out a hand to stop her from moving away from me when she took a step back. I stopped myself before my hand landed on her arm and her eyes locked on my palm hovering awkwardly in the air. She faced me, and reached up and grabbed my dangling appendage and carefully laced her fingers through mine. I was stunned at the undeniable strength I could feel running through the thin and delicate digits.
“It wasn’t right, which is why, when Salem got the whole story, she stepped in. She put herself between me and everyone that has ever hurt me. She went to Texas and blackmailed my father in order to keep him away. She doesn’t know that I know, but I overheard Sayer telling Zeb the story one night. She protected me and fought for me when I could barely stand being around her. She forced her way in after I did my best to shut her out because I was so ashamed that I’d ended up just like our mom.” Her voice dropped and she squeezed my fingers. “She did all of that because she loves me and she wants to defend me when I can’t defend myself. That’s how she made Denver home for me.”
We stared at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch on infinitely. She held my hand but it felt more like she had those shaking fingers curled around my heart.
“Poppy.” I whispered her name and she tilted her head back and blinked up at me.
“Wheeler.” I was astounded that there was a hint of amusement in her voice. How she could find anything to laugh about after what she just told me was unfathomable. Her father had handed her off to a monster like it was nothing. She made her way out of hell with one of the purest hearts I had ever seen.
“I really want to give you a hug, probably more for me than for you, but I told you not to let anyone touch you without permission.” I knew I sounded a little desperate but I didn’t care. “So, can you put me out of my misery and give me permission to hold you, just for a second, please?”
“Occasionally, he would act like I’d finally done something right, like I’d earned his approval. I would soak those moments up like a sponge, until I realized the only reason he lowered himself to giving me any kind of praise was to hurt either my mom or Salem. We weren’t his loved ones or his family. We were toys he played with and tormented for his amusement.”
She closed her eyes briefly and let out a sigh that had so much emotion in it I thought it was going to knock her off her feet. When her eyelids fluttered back open I knew I needed to stay braced for the rest of her story.
“It wasn’t until I moved home after my freshman year of college that I realized what a truly awful man he was. Without me and Salem in the house the only person around to take the brunt of his blame and brimstone was my mom. He never loved her. He married her because she served a purpose and had standing in the community. She was good for his image and legitimized him as something more than a struggling immigrant. The only reason he stayed with her was because a wife and kids were part of the required packaging if you wanted to sell yourself to others as a man of God and as an upstanding citizen. He couldn’t preach about relationships and family if he didn’t have his own.”
“Poppy …” I breathed out her name not sure if I was urging her to stop or to keep going. My mom left me but ultimately that abandonment saved me from a life of being dragged from flophouse to flophouse as she chased after her next fix. I always felt like I was missing out not having a real family consisting of both a mom and a dad, but Poppy’s revelations were making me feel like maybe I had lucked out by getting left behind. Things had never been great, but they hadn’t ever been as bad as she was describing. Who wanted four walls to call your own when you were trapped inside them with a nightmare that never ended? Unending days of belittling and breaking down sounded unbearable.
“When I came home from college, he told me over and over that I was a disgrace. He didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was disgusted by the mere sight of me. Salem was long gone by then and my mom was so emotionally stripped and physically worn down that I was his only available target. I spent so much of my life trying to earn his love, killing myself for his approval, that I let him convince me I was nothing. I believed him when he told me I couldn’t be trusted to make decisions for myself. I’d made a mess of things the first time I struck out on my own and there were no second chances.”
I wanted to ask what went wrong when she left for college but I didn’t get a chance to put a word in edgewise. She placed her hands flat on the counter and leaned toward me a little, her long hair slithering over her shoulders and down around her face. If I pressed forward I could get my hands in it and stop her from hiding, but something told me she needed that layer of protection between us as she continued giving me words that wounded.
“My father is the one that brought Oliver around.” When she said his name her entire body convulsed. “He was a deacon in Dad’s church and had all the things my father thought would make an acceptable son-in-law.” She frowned, her eyebrows snapping sharply above her nose. “Meaning he was a carbon copy of my dad: controlling, abusive, angry. He hid it well up until he had a ring on my finger, but not even an hour after our vows, he let his true colors shine through.”
“Why didn’t someone help you? Where was your sister? Your mom?” The words came out far angrier than I intended them to but I was furious she’d had to face all of that on her own.
She gave another one of those high-pitched, hysterical laughs and shook her head slowly from side to side. “Salem didn’t know until after the fact. She would have stopped it. She would have driven to Texas from wherever she was and kidnapped me to keep me from making such a big mistake, and my mom …” Again her head rocked back and forth. “She wouldn’t ever cross my father. If he hadn’t spent a lifetime ruining her maybe she would have tried to keep me from making the same mistake she did, but there was nothing left in her. I found that out the hard way when I told her that Oliver was hitting me and she told me to try harder to make him happy.”
“The fuck!” My hands tightened into fists and I couldn’t stop myself from rounding the counter and walking right up to her. We were so close that I could feel the way she was vibrating and I knew she could feel the heat of my anger coming off my skin. “That’s not okay, Poppy.”
She turned her head to look at me and I instinctively reached out a hand to stop her from moving away from me when she took a step back. I stopped myself before my hand landed on her arm and her eyes locked on my palm hovering awkwardly in the air. She faced me, and reached up and grabbed my dangling appendage and carefully laced her fingers through mine. I was stunned at the undeniable strength I could feel running through the thin and delicate digits.
“It wasn’t right, which is why, when Salem got the whole story, she stepped in. She put herself between me and everyone that has ever hurt me. She went to Texas and blackmailed my father in order to keep him away. She doesn’t know that I know, but I overheard Sayer telling Zeb the story one night. She protected me and fought for me when I could barely stand being around her. She forced her way in after I did my best to shut her out because I was so ashamed that I’d ended up just like our mom.” Her voice dropped and she squeezed my fingers. “She did all of that because she loves me and she wants to defend me when I can’t defend myself. That’s how she made Denver home for me.”
We stared at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch on infinitely. She held my hand but it felt more like she had those shaking fingers curled around my heart.
“Poppy.” I whispered her name and she tilted her head back and blinked up at me.
“Wheeler.” I was astounded that there was a hint of amusement in her voice. How she could find anything to laugh about after what she just told me was unfathomable. Her father had handed her off to a monster like it was nothing. She made her way out of hell with one of the purest hearts I had ever seen.
“I really want to give you a hug, probably more for me than for you, but I told you not to let anyone touch you without permission.” I knew I sounded a little desperate but I didn’t care. “So, can you put me out of my misery and give me permission to hold you, just for a second, please?”
