I frowned at her and tucked the picture back into my pocket. “Kallie had a checkup this morning and I went with her. We had a come-to-Jesus meeting afterward about the baby and being a family even if we’re no longer together. She said some things I didn’t know that I needed to hear and it helped me get my head out of my ass.” I crossed my arms on the steering wheel and rested my chin on my folded hands. “I’m all in. I guess I didn’t realize I wasn’t before. That’s the first picture of my kid, I wanted to show it to you.” She wouldn’t look at me, and the longer she sat in silence, the more confused I became. A littler harsher than I meant to I snapped, “I thought you would be happy that I’m finally on board with all this baby stuff.”
She curled her hands into fists and tucked her chin into her chest so she wasn’t looking at anything but her lap. Vaguely, I recalled the way she almost fell over the day she showed up with the dog at the garage and I told her I couldn’t take him because of the baby. There was something going on with her that I didn’t understand, and if we were ever going to get to a place where we were all in with each other, then she needed to trust me with more than just her body.
“Poppy …” I waited until she looked up at me. It took a hell of a long time. “What’s going on? What’s your deal with babies? You’re telling me to man up and be the best dad I can be one minute and in the next you look like me having a kid is the end of the world. I know it’s not the best situation for me to be in while I’m trying to start something with you, but I can’t change it, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to.”
She stared at me and I could see her trying to figure out what she wanted to say. I watched her weighing how many of her secrets she wanted to share with me. Finally, she uncurled her hands and rubbed her palms back and forth on her thighs. She turned her head so that she was looking out the windshield and her voice was barely audible when she spoke.
“You and I wanted similar things out of life, Wheeler. I had two parents and a roof over my head but I often wished I was anywhere else but home. I wanted a family that loved me. I wanted a home that was full of happy memories, bursting with laughter and children. I wanted the opposite of everything I had ever known … just like you.”
I felt my shoulders stiffen as a frown fell over my face. I hated that she knew how hard it was to be the kid that was lonely and lost as soon as the school bell rang at the end of the day.
“When I went away to college I picked the one that would get me as far away from my father as possible. I had stars in my eyes and big dreams. I was so sure that without his constant disapproval, without his unrelenting judgment, I would be able to spread my wings and fly. I was convinced it was going to be just like the movies. I was going to find a guy that was the opposite of my dad, he was going to sweep me off my feet, we were going to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after.” She snorted and pushed the heels of her palms into her eyes as she tossed her head back onto the vintage leather of the seat behind her. “Rowdy went to the same school on a football scholarship. He kept an eye on me and he told me over and over again that I needed to stop being so naive. He told me college boys were waiting for pretty freshman girls exactly like me.” She turned to look at me and I could see some of those things that chased her in her dreams wide-awake in her tragic gaze. “He was right. The first boy I agreed to date told me everything I wanted to hear. He promised me the sun and the moon. He assured me that I was special, and that he wanted something serious and lasting. I liked him so much and I was so smitten that I let him get away with pretty much anything. Including having sex without a condom. He knew I wasn’t on birth control, I told him over and over again we should be safe, but I was in love and he told me we would be together forever. I wanted it so badly, I ignored Rowdy and I ignored my own common sense.”
“Poppy.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying her name to get her to go on or to get her to stop. It didn’t matter, she kept going even though I had a pretty good idea where the story was headed.
“I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I was too young, barely eighteen, and I’d just started school, but it didn’t matter. We were going to be a family. All my dreams were coming true.” She started to cry. Silent tears that rolled down her face and dripped off her chin. I couldn’t handle the space between us anymore and pulled her into my arms. She curled an arm around my neck and I felt the moisture from her cheeks on the side of my throat as she pressed her face tightly into my skin. “When I told him I was pregnant, he laughed at me and told me I was stupid. He also told me I was one of many. He had a different girl for each day of the week. He wanted me to get rid of the baby, told me he would pay for it, and I refused. He attacked me.”
“Motherfucker.” The word ripped out of me before I could stop it. She hugged me tighter as anger made my entire body shake under her.
“He hurt me really badly, so bad that I lost the baby and I lost myself. Rowdy found me, did his best to put me back together, but it was too late.” She sobbed quietly into my skin. “I loved my baby, Wheeler. It was the only thing in my life that I ever wanted that I actually got and then it was taken away. I know I would have been a good mom. I would have loved that baby and taken care of it so much better than my mom did with me and Salem.”
Feeling helpless and furious, all I could do was hold her while she grieved for a little life that had been snatched away from her.
She shuddered and pulled away from me so that we were eye to eye and nose to nose in the close confines of the car. “I’m proud of you for realizing how great the gift you’ve been given is, Wheeler, but every time someone close to me gets to celebrate bringing a new life into the world, it takes me back to a time when that chance was stolen from me.”
I dropped my forehead down so that it was resting against hers and gently kissed the tip of her nose. “Give me the college guy’s name. I’m gonna kill him.”
She grinned and put her hands on either side of my face, her fingers tracing the spot where my dimples were hidden by my fierce scowl. “Rowdy already tried. That’s how he lost his scholarship and ended up a drifter.”
“I’m going to buy Rowdy every single drink he ever has from here until the day I die.” I wasn’t kidding.
She curled her hands into fists and tucked her chin into her chest so she wasn’t looking at anything but her lap. Vaguely, I recalled the way she almost fell over the day she showed up with the dog at the garage and I told her I couldn’t take him because of the baby. There was something going on with her that I didn’t understand, and if we were ever going to get to a place where we were all in with each other, then she needed to trust me with more than just her body.
“Poppy …” I waited until she looked up at me. It took a hell of a long time. “What’s going on? What’s your deal with babies? You’re telling me to man up and be the best dad I can be one minute and in the next you look like me having a kid is the end of the world. I know it’s not the best situation for me to be in while I’m trying to start something with you, but I can’t change it, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to.”
She stared at me and I could see her trying to figure out what she wanted to say. I watched her weighing how many of her secrets she wanted to share with me. Finally, she uncurled her hands and rubbed her palms back and forth on her thighs. She turned her head so that she was looking out the windshield and her voice was barely audible when she spoke.
“You and I wanted similar things out of life, Wheeler. I had two parents and a roof over my head but I often wished I was anywhere else but home. I wanted a family that loved me. I wanted a home that was full of happy memories, bursting with laughter and children. I wanted the opposite of everything I had ever known … just like you.”
I felt my shoulders stiffen as a frown fell over my face. I hated that she knew how hard it was to be the kid that was lonely and lost as soon as the school bell rang at the end of the day.
“When I went away to college I picked the one that would get me as far away from my father as possible. I had stars in my eyes and big dreams. I was so sure that without his constant disapproval, without his unrelenting judgment, I would be able to spread my wings and fly. I was convinced it was going to be just like the movies. I was going to find a guy that was the opposite of my dad, he was going to sweep me off my feet, we were going to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after.” She snorted and pushed the heels of her palms into her eyes as she tossed her head back onto the vintage leather of the seat behind her. “Rowdy went to the same school on a football scholarship. He kept an eye on me and he told me over and over again that I needed to stop being so naive. He told me college boys were waiting for pretty freshman girls exactly like me.” She turned to look at me and I could see some of those things that chased her in her dreams wide-awake in her tragic gaze. “He was right. The first boy I agreed to date told me everything I wanted to hear. He promised me the sun and the moon. He assured me that I was special, and that he wanted something serious and lasting. I liked him so much and I was so smitten that I let him get away with pretty much anything. Including having sex without a condom. He knew I wasn’t on birth control, I told him over and over again we should be safe, but I was in love and he told me we would be together forever. I wanted it so badly, I ignored Rowdy and I ignored my own common sense.”
“Poppy.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying her name to get her to go on or to get her to stop. It didn’t matter, she kept going even though I had a pretty good idea where the story was headed.
“I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I was too young, barely eighteen, and I’d just started school, but it didn’t matter. We were going to be a family. All my dreams were coming true.” She started to cry. Silent tears that rolled down her face and dripped off her chin. I couldn’t handle the space between us anymore and pulled her into my arms. She curled an arm around my neck and I felt the moisture from her cheeks on the side of my throat as she pressed her face tightly into my skin. “When I told him I was pregnant, he laughed at me and told me I was stupid. He also told me I was one of many. He had a different girl for each day of the week. He wanted me to get rid of the baby, told me he would pay for it, and I refused. He attacked me.”
“Motherfucker.” The word ripped out of me before I could stop it. She hugged me tighter as anger made my entire body shake under her.
“He hurt me really badly, so bad that I lost the baby and I lost myself. Rowdy found me, did his best to put me back together, but it was too late.” She sobbed quietly into my skin. “I loved my baby, Wheeler. It was the only thing in my life that I ever wanted that I actually got and then it was taken away. I know I would have been a good mom. I would have loved that baby and taken care of it so much better than my mom did with me and Salem.”
Feeling helpless and furious, all I could do was hold her while she grieved for a little life that had been snatched away from her.
She shuddered and pulled away from me so that we were eye to eye and nose to nose in the close confines of the car. “I’m proud of you for realizing how great the gift you’ve been given is, Wheeler, but every time someone close to me gets to celebrate bringing a new life into the world, it takes me back to a time when that chance was stolen from me.”
I dropped my forehead down so that it was resting against hers and gently kissed the tip of her nose. “Give me the college guy’s name. I’m gonna kill him.”
She grinned and put her hands on either side of my face, her fingers tracing the spot where my dimples were hidden by my fierce scowl. “Rowdy already tried. That’s how he lost his scholarship and ended up a drifter.”
“I’m going to buy Rowdy every single drink he ever has from here until the day I die.” I wasn’t kidding.
