Screwdrivered
Page 28

The floor was scraped and dented linoleum, but I’ve no doubt that at one point someone had tended and waxed that floor to a polished gleam. The walls were a faded yellow, but covered with cheery vintage posters hawking Gold Medal flour, 20 Mule Team Borax, and Gorton’s Frozen Fish Dinners.
It was a home. And juxtaposed against my very neat and orderly place in Philadelphia, my apartment was never a home, I realized. It was just a place I slept.
Pretty heavy thoughts over oatmeal. It was really good oatmeal, though. I dipped up another spoonful.
Aunt Maude may have been on to something. The Legless Knight was clearly pushing it, but perhaps not everything had to be tucked out of sight. Hmm. We’ll see.
Enough introspection. I finished my breakfast and got dressed for the day. I was hoping Caroline would have some crazy design idea today where I could smash through a wall or something.
Lingering frustration over that dream?
I said enough introspection.
“So what exactly do you want me to do here today? You keep referring to me as backup; why is that?” Caroline asked as we walked through the house again. Simon and Ryan had dropped the girls off and then headed off to go windsurfing. It killed me that I wasn’t out there with them; it was something I’d always wanted to try. Instead I was inside the house on a glorious day like this, talking about floral prints and a settee. But I appreciated the help.
“You’re my backup insofar as you’re the one who can tell Clark when he’s being too much of a pencil pusher. When he needs to just shut up and let me make the changes I want,” I explained, tapping my foot.
“And what exactly are those changes?” she asked.
I took a deep breath. Then frowned. Then took another deep breath. Still with the frowning.
Caroline looked amused; I looked like a fish stuck on land and no clue how to breathe.
“I don’t know exactly,” I admitted. “But it just made me so damn mad that he could come in and tell me I couldn’t do something!” I thought back to the first day he came over here, arguing with me about the baluwhatzit. “The truth is, I love this house. I love everything about this house. But it hasn’t been updated in years, and if I’m going to live here, it’s got to be brought into the modern age. Even the basics are falling apart—the roof is like Swiss cheese. I’ve been lucky it hasn’t rained since that first night, but the next time it does, it’s going to pour in here again. And the front porch is rotten— I put my foot through it the night I arrived, and you can feel it when you walk on it.”
She nodded. “Yes, I felt it give when I came in today. Well that should be easy enough. He can’t expect you to go through the porch floor every time you come home.”
“Humpf. We’ll see. Hey, where’s your friend Mimi?”
“Hmm, she’s been awfully quiet since she went upstairs,” Caroline mused, walking over to the bottom of the stairs. “Mimi?” she called up.
“Nothing,” was the answer.
“Mimi, what are you up to?”
“Nothing,” came down again, followed by a thump. “I’m okay!”
“Oh boy, I better go see what she’s gotten herself into. I left her alone once in my bathroom, and my lipsticks were alphabetized and color coded within minutes.”
As Caroline headed upstairs, I shook my head. Although part of me thought that seemed like a good idea, the two lipsticks I owned were already color coded. Barely There Pink and Knockout Red. Pink for first dates. Red for, well, you know.
Grabbing a broom, I decided to spend a few minutes sweeping up the dust that seemed to come out and do a dance party every night after I went to bed. These floors were so old they literally made their own dust! Sighing, I was bending over sweeping up yet another pile when I heard a sound behind me.
Turning, I saw Clark. Nose bandage, briefcase, hand raised as though he’d been about to knock. And directly behind me, so he had a wonderful view of my posterior.
I stood slowly, wondering which Clark I’d get today. Nighttime Clark or Daytime Clark?
“I’m going to tie a bell around your neck, so you quit sneaking up on me like that,” I said, crossing toward the screen door.
 “I’ve got scones. Do you like scones?” he said, lifting the bag so I could see he did indeed have scones.
I laughed in spite of myself, and the grin that spread over his face literally took my breath away. For a moment, he reminded me of someone. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and it’s a good thing too, because at that very moment I wanted to put my fingers, and hands for that matter, all over—
“Vivian, I do hope you’re not planning on removing that mantel-piece. I see that chunk of marble just thrown haphazardly on the floor. Need I remind you that the fireplaces in this home are all original, even down to the tile in the—”
“Oh, Clark, just stuff a scone in it and get in here.” I sighed, holding the door open. He set his scones and briefcase down, then inspected the offending piece of marble.
“Oh good, this’ll be a simple repair. You really must be more careful when you—”
“Oh, please, it came off in my hand! I literally just leaned up against it when I was on the phone the other day, and—”
“I’d say you don’t know your own strength, but based on this”—he pointed at his nose—“I know that’s not entirely true.”
He wore his glasses today, in spite of the fact that they must hurt.
Get a grip, Viv.
“Would you care for some coffee?” I asked, interrupting some speech about turn-of-the-century architecture. Which always confused me, frankly, because the century had turned twice since people started saying that phrase . . . so which century? A question that would not be posed at this moment, however.
His mouth hung open in midrant. I leaned in, pushed his chin up and closed his mouth, then turned for the kitchen. “Follow me, Clark. I hope you like it strong.”
He murmured something, but followed me. And for the record? What he murmured?
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
So Caroline was here to back me up, to agree with me, to be on my side and to make sure that Clark didn’t cause too much trouble—right?
Not so much what happened.
What did happen is the two of them bonded over a bottle cap, a ballroom, and a baluhwhozit.
Things started pretty well. We all agreed that the roof was a no-brainer, especially when I began my prepared speech about how rain coming inside would be doing continued damage to the already damaged living room. Clark didn’t disagree, only noting that as long as the original sight lines of the roof were retained, and the copper gutters were replaced, that a new roof was most certainly called for.