Seven Years to Sin
Page 17

She extended her hand toward the child. “Perhaps he could make his egress with us?”
The boy’s eyes widened with more terror than he’d shown while suffering abuse. He shook his head violently and stepped closer to the other men.
She was briefly confused, having expected relief and gratitude. Then comprehension set in. One of the harder lessons she’d learned in her youth was that delaying the inevitable only led to greater penalty in the end.
Unshed tears stung her eyes. Pity for both the child in front of her and the child she herself had once been. In all likelihood, she’d only made things worse for the boy.
Without waiting for Alistair, Jess pivoted and hurried toward the companionway. When she felt his hand at the small of her back, her vision blurred. She allowed him to lead her, grateful when he ushered her below deck and behind the privacy of a closed door.
His cabin. Despite her distraction and tear-clouded eyes, she knew it immediately by scent. His unique virile fragrance permeated the air and raised her temperature.
The space was of similar size to her own cabin and furnished much the same, but she felt different in his domain, aware of a heightened awareness and an altogether sensual sense of anticipation.
She exhaled a shaky breath, her hands knotting together in a physical manifestation of her inner turmoil. She was not free of her father, as she’d previously supposed. And now she knew she would never be free.
“Jessica?” Alistair rounded her. His breath hissed out. “Damnation … Don’t cry.”
She attempted to move away. He caught her to him, crushing her into the hard length of his body. Her cheek was pressed into the superfine of his coat. Beneath her ear, his heart beat in a strong and steady rhythm.
“Talk to me,” he urged.
“Th-that man is offensive to me in every way. He is vile and unrepentant about it. I know his kind. He is an animal. You would be wise to be rid of him.”
There was a long pause when she finished, during which Alistair’s breathing was too sharply regulated to be completely natural. She knew him well enough to know he was weighing the import and implications of her concern, and speculating on the root of it.
His hands stroked the curve of her spine. “I intend to speak to Captain Smith. The man will be dismissed at port.”
Straightening, she put distance between them. He made her want to lean on him in ways beyond the physical. Dangerous ways.
“Jess …” The familiarity of his address roused even more conflicted feelings. “It might benefit you to talk about the reason you are so upset.”
“With you?” she scoffed, redirecting her frustration at him in self-defense. She was too susceptible to him, too exposed. “I should bare myself to a stranger?”
He accepted her crossness with grace enough to shame her. “Perhaps I am the best choice,” he said calmly. “I’m an impartial party, over whom you hold the knowledge of a tainted past. And even if I were inclined to divulge information indiscriminately—which you know I am not—I’m far removed from anyone who might wield it against you.”
“I cannot conceive of anything I would rather discuss less.” She moved toward the door.
Alistair blocked her way and crossed his arms.
The entrapment aggravated her already volatile mood. “You intend to detain me?”
The curve of his beautiful mouth was a silent challenge. But unlike the seaman’s mocking derisiveness, Alistair’s regard empowered her.
“You’re vulnerable now,” he said. “You will stay with me as long as you are.”
The parallels to what Beth had said on the deck mere moments ago didn’t escape her. His intended meaning was different, but the phrasing was applicable regardless. Thanks to Beth’s greater experience, she now knew why she was so drawn to the temptation Alistair presented. But an understanding of what he would gain in return still eluded her. “What concern am I of yours?”
“You are my lover, Jess.”
“Not yet.”
“Sex is merely a formality at this point.” His tone was low and intimate. “You and I have always been inevitable. And I am not a man to take pieces of a whole. I must have everything. The good as well as the bad.”
“Just spew it all over you?” Her words were sharply clipped, a reaction to a sudden violent rush of longing. “Would that not make me of similar ilk to that sailor? Forcing another individual to bear the brunt of my personal disquiet?”
Alistair took a step closer. “Unlike the boy, I can take it. Better yet, I want it. There is no part of you I don’t want.”
“Why?”
“Because my hunger for you is unrestrained, so you must be also. In all ways.”
Jess felt the urge to pace, but resisted due to long training. Ladies did not pace. They did not reveal anything other than serenity. They existed to ease a man’s burdens, not add to them.
Yet Alistair—the most thoroughly masculine creature of her acquaintance—was the only individual with whom she felt comfortable sharing the shadowy aspects of her soul. She knew, with unaccountable near certainty, that he would not think less of her as others might. He would not alter his treatment of her. Darkness was known to him. He’d lived within it, embraced it, and seemed all the stronger for the experience. It still amazed her to think of how driven he was, how ruthlessly focused he could be, how far he was willing to fall from grace to avoid failure and be self-sufficient.
At too young an age, his innate sensuality and stunning countenance had exposed him to the lascivious interest of those who were jaded and immoral. Knowing it was his responsibility to see to his own future, he’d taken what advantage he could from an untenable circumstance. But at what cost to him?
“Jessica. What are you thinking about when you look at me in that manner?”
She was staring at him, enthralled by his dark beauty and the undeniable edge to him. She hadn’t the knowledge to understand the “way about him” that Beth had referenced, but she was a woman nevertheless, with all the primitive instincts of her gender. He exuded a raw sensuality that was nothing less than addictive. When she wasn’t with him, she wished to be. That depth of craving had frightened her for the last sennight, knowing as she did that nothing permanent could ever exist between them.
Her world was not his; his was not hers. They were traveling the same road for a brief time, but their paths would diverge. She could not stay in the West Indies forever, and he would not long tolerate London Society, whatever he might say to the contrary. His hunger for her was not the only thing unrestrained about him. He was a bold and brazen man, vibrant and powerful. The ton—whose mores she’d been well trained to epitomize—would stifle and bore him.
No, she didn’t have the knowledge Beth possessed … but Alistair did. He, too, had spoken of their liaison as fitting within a brief span of time. Quickly come and as swiftly gone. Room enough only for fondness and gratitude. She had to trust their greater counsel in this.
“I admire you,” she said.
Although he appeared unmoved, she sensed the stillness that gripped him. “After all you know about me?”
“Yes.”
There was a weighted pause. “You are almost certainly the only person aware of my past transgressions who would say that.”
“Yet you did not hesitate to be honest with me. You must have had some faith in my ability to be open minded.”
“I was not without apprehension,” he confessed, his jaw taut. “But yes, I believed you would be more likely to overlook my sins than hold them against me.”
The recent emptiness in her chest now filled with something warm and tender. “I would not have believed it of myself.”
She lacked the words to explain what she was feeling. It was something akin to victorious, and it was so much the opposite of the defeat she’d felt when leaving the deck, it seemed impossible that one emotion could so swiftly follow the other.
Her mind was her own.
There was no denying that her body had been damaged and her emotions could so easily be overrun by fear. But her mind remained uncorrupted. She was capable of judging Alistair with criteria outside the narrow scope to which she had been taught to conform. For all his strenuous efforts, her father had failed, because she did not think as he did. There were pieces of her he hadn’t been capable of reaching. The freedom inherent in that revelation was profound and deeply moving. And Alistair had made the discovery possible. Without him, she might never have faced a choice capable of enlightening her. She had never before been presented with the option of accepting something that was unacceptable. Her world did not have such decisions in it.
Alistair remained still as a statue as her world tilted on its axis, his handsome features hard set.
She saw through his exterior and understood; he hadn’t yet accepted his choices. Not the way he so readily accepted her.
With great care, Jess untied the ribbons of her bonnet and removed it, setting it carefully atop the seat of a chair. En route to the door, she skirted Alistair, but though he turned to watch her, he didn’t stop her. She knew he’d follow her if she left and thought herself lucky for that.
She engaged the oval-shaped brass latch and heard his sharp inhalation behind her.
Jess walked to the bed and sat carefully on the edge of the mattress.
The feral look that swept over his handsome face made her quiver with heated expectation. But it was quickly masked, leaving behind an unusually austere countenance.
“As per our wager,” he said, clasping his hands at the small of his back, “I must remind you of the impropriety of your presence in my locked cabin.”
A wide smile curved her mouth. Until now, there had not been an opportunity to play the reversed roles they’d agreed to adopt. “Do I look as if I care about propriety?”
“Have you considered the consequences?”
His hands on her. His mouth. All that raw expertise concentrated on ensuring her pleasure. She needed that heightened intimacy with him. She felt such a surfeit of affection for him and gratitude for the changes he was effecting in her life. “Oh, yes. I have considered them all.”
His gaze heated at her breathy reply. “I should enumerate them, just to be certain.”
“No.” Jess set her hands on her bent knees. “No games or wagers, please. Not now.”
“Tell me why you’ve suddenly conceded.”
“Why not?”
“Why now? I extended an invitation to visit my cabin and you’ve ignored it for days. Only a moment ago, you attempted to leave. What brought about this swift change? Do you wish to forget? Will bedding me work as well as the claret? I must warn you, I am not nearly as fine a vintage.”
“I’ve no wish to forget anything. In truth, I hope to remember every moment of this day.”
Alistair showed no emotion, yet the air around him seemed strangely turbulent.
“I feel very close to you,” she said. “But not nearly close enough. Undressing would help considerably.”
“I don’t want you overwrought or impaired in any way.”
“I’m not. Not any longer.” His caution said so much about his intentions. If he wanted only sex, he would not be so concerned about her reasons for offering it. “Isn’t it enough that I want you? Must there be more?”
“I am not prepared to stop as I did before. It’s midday. Hours will pass and you will be missed. At the very least your abigail and my valet will know what occupied you. Perhaps others, if we forget ourselves and are overheard.”
Jess considered him carefully. “You are attempting to dissuade me. Perhaps it is you who has had a change of heart?”
She knew that was not the case, not with the indecent way he was looking at her, but his reasoning was a mystery.
“I have wanted you for so long now,” he said roughly, “I’ve no memory of how it feels to be devoid of the craving. But you must know what you do. I need you to think of who you are and where you are and who I am. Think of how things will be once we’ve crossed this threshold. Think of how you will leave this cabin—disheveled and well fucked. Think of how you will sit across the table from me at supper, surrounded by men who will know the minute they look at you that I’ve had you long and hard this day.”
His crudity jolted her physically, surprising her with a surge of arousal she could never have expected. Her face heated. This was no tender lover who stood before her. This was the man once known for his acidic wit, whose tongue could charm and shred with equal effectiveness. A man who would do anything to have what he wanted.
And he wanted her. Her shaken confidence drew strength from that.
Alistair crossed the distance between them. “Know what you do here, Jessica,” he said again, his voice harsh and unyielding. “I can wait until you’re ready.”
“I don’t want to wait any longer.” She stood in a rush and pointed at the nearest chair. “Sit, Mr. Caulfield. It’s time I had you.”
Chapter 13
Alistair’s chest expanded with a sharply drawn breath, then deflated in a rush. He pivoted on his heel and moved to the chair, pausing to remove his coat and drape it over the back before sitting. “According to our agreement, I am supposed to be the voice of reason. A model of propriety.”
Jess watched him, admiring the sleek sensuality inherent in his movements. She also admired his taut backside, eager to see it bared. “Be my guest, but I won’t be swayed. I do understand, however, that you have a strong dislike for losing wagers.”
Setting his hands on his knees, he waited. His tense expectancy was reflected in his heavy-lidded gaze. Between his legs, the outline of his thick arousal quickened her breathing. “Not in this instance. I would give up my fortune to bed you; losing our bet is a ridiculously small price to pay for the privilege.”