Shadow wouldn’t do any of the things Master had. She was willing to trust him even if he wasn’t so sure of her faith. First though she needed to figure out if he was so resistant to them becoming closer because she was a Gift Female or it was a result of his life traumas. His mouth said one thing but his body showed interest.
“Do you want to sleep with me?” She couldn’t believe she’d just blurted out that question but it beat staring at the ceiling all night berating herself for being a wimp. “I thought you were angry. I’m confused. I don’t understand how you could have that reaction when you don’t like me.”
“I’m furious.” His had a death grip on the wood. “I have all kinds of things going on inside me.”
“What kinds of things?”
His chest rose as he sucked in air before exhaling it slowly. “I don’t dislike you. That’s the problem. You could have been killed by the wolves or taken away by another male. That awakes certain instincts inside me.”
“What kind?”
He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side to rest his forehead against his inner arm, frustration pretty clear on his face.
“I’m trying to understand,” she explained softly. “It’s not my fault I was kept away from Species men and don’t know that much about you.”
His head snapped back in her direction, his eyes opening. “I’m male, not a man.”
“I told you, I’m working on the language thing.”
“You did.” He released the doorframe and took a few hesitant steps forward as his hands lowered to his sides.
She didn’t retreat, though part of her wanted to. He was big and mostly na**d but it was Shadow. It surprised her when he suddenly dropped to his knees before her, making their faces almost the same height. He stared deeply into her eyes as he gently encased her h*ps within his grasp. She had no words despite wanting to know what he was doing.
“I’ll explain,” he rasped.
She nodded, refusing to look away from him.
“You’re mine to protect. I know in my mind that you don’t belong to me but my impulses say otherwise. Another male got too close and I know what he could have done to you. It makes me kind of crazy inside.”
“What do you think he would have done to me?”
One blond eyebrow arched. “Are you sure you want the truth?”
She nodded sharply.
“He would have stripped you bare and seduced you. He would have mounted you when you were willing to accept him.” His voice deepened. “He would have turned you around and taken you from behind. That means sex.”
“Breeze said to tell a man to take me facing him because of my past.”
He paled slightly. “Why?”
“That’s what…” She paused, remembering he hated the term “master”. “The ass**le did to me. He always took me from behind so he didn’t have to look at me and know it caused me pain.”
Shadow hung his head until his forehead almost rested against the top of her nightgown. His hot breath fanned through the thin material right between her br**sts. She only hesitated for a second before reaching up and lightly brushing her fingers through his short hair.
“How did it hurt?” His tone was gruff.
“I don’t understand.”
He kept his head down. “Was it just because you’re small and him being inside you was painful or was it because you didn’t want him and weren’t wet?”
He was blunt enough to stun her. She wanted to be as honest with him. “I don’t know. I didn’t want him to do that and it just hurt.”
He released her hip with one hand and slid an arm around her waist, holding her. “Did it ever feel good? Even once?”
“No.” Maybe there was something wrong with her. She hadn’t considered that until this moment.
He finally lifted his head and she stared into his eyes again. “Never?”
“No.”
“Did he caress you? You said he never kissed you. Did he attempt to arouse you?”
“He would grab my h*ps and tell me to hold still. That’s all.”
Anger flashed in his gaze before he looked away. “He just forced you to your hands and knees when he took you?”
“Kind of. He had me bend over the end of the bed and grip the footboard railings. It was a narrow bed.”
A snarl made her start. It was a loud, dangerous sound.
“Don’t,” he rasped, holding her gaze again. “I’m not him.”
“I know that.”
“Are you curious about sex and want to know how it would feel if a male you want touched you?”
Her cheeks were burning now and she wanted to hide from his intense stare but answered honestly despite it. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“Why would you want a male to touch you after you’ve been hurt?”
She tried to put her feelings into words. “I didn’t at first but then I started hearing the other women who live next door to me when men visited them. They kept inviting more of them to their apartments. I envied them because it sounded so different from what I’ve known. The sounds were of pleasure, not pain. They enjoyed it. I just want to know how it would feel to have someone touch me that way. I can’t explain it any better than that. I liked you holding me the night we spent together.”
“Do you want to sleep with me?” She couldn’t believe she’d just blurted out that question but it beat staring at the ceiling all night berating herself for being a wimp. “I thought you were angry. I’m confused. I don’t understand how you could have that reaction when you don’t like me.”
“I’m furious.” His had a death grip on the wood. “I have all kinds of things going on inside me.”
“What kinds of things?”
His chest rose as he sucked in air before exhaling it slowly. “I don’t dislike you. That’s the problem. You could have been killed by the wolves or taken away by another male. That awakes certain instincts inside me.”
“What kind?”
He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side to rest his forehead against his inner arm, frustration pretty clear on his face.
“I’m trying to understand,” she explained softly. “It’s not my fault I was kept away from Species men and don’t know that much about you.”
His head snapped back in her direction, his eyes opening. “I’m male, not a man.”
“I told you, I’m working on the language thing.”
“You did.” He released the doorframe and took a few hesitant steps forward as his hands lowered to his sides.
She didn’t retreat, though part of her wanted to. He was big and mostly na**d but it was Shadow. It surprised her when he suddenly dropped to his knees before her, making their faces almost the same height. He stared deeply into her eyes as he gently encased her h*ps within his grasp. She had no words despite wanting to know what he was doing.
“I’ll explain,” he rasped.
She nodded, refusing to look away from him.
“You’re mine to protect. I know in my mind that you don’t belong to me but my impulses say otherwise. Another male got too close and I know what he could have done to you. It makes me kind of crazy inside.”
“What do you think he would have done to me?”
One blond eyebrow arched. “Are you sure you want the truth?”
She nodded sharply.
“He would have stripped you bare and seduced you. He would have mounted you when you were willing to accept him.” His voice deepened. “He would have turned you around and taken you from behind. That means sex.”
“Breeze said to tell a man to take me facing him because of my past.”
He paled slightly. “Why?”
“That’s what…” She paused, remembering he hated the term “master”. “The ass**le did to me. He always took me from behind so he didn’t have to look at me and know it caused me pain.”
Shadow hung his head until his forehead almost rested against the top of her nightgown. His hot breath fanned through the thin material right between her br**sts. She only hesitated for a second before reaching up and lightly brushing her fingers through his short hair.
“How did it hurt?” His tone was gruff.
“I don’t understand.”
He kept his head down. “Was it just because you’re small and him being inside you was painful or was it because you didn’t want him and weren’t wet?”
He was blunt enough to stun her. She wanted to be as honest with him. “I don’t know. I didn’t want him to do that and it just hurt.”
He released her hip with one hand and slid an arm around her waist, holding her. “Did it ever feel good? Even once?”
“No.” Maybe there was something wrong with her. She hadn’t considered that until this moment.
He finally lifted his head and she stared into his eyes again. “Never?”
“No.”
“Did he caress you? You said he never kissed you. Did he attempt to arouse you?”
“He would grab my h*ps and tell me to hold still. That’s all.”
Anger flashed in his gaze before he looked away. “He just forced you to your hands and knees when he took you?”
“Kind of. He had me bend over the end of the bed and grip the footboard railings. It was a narrow bed.”
A snarl made her start. It was a loud, dangerous sound.
“Don’t,” he rasped, holding her gaze again. “I’m not him.”
“I know that.”
“Are you curious about sex and want to know how it would feel if a male you want touched you?”
Her cheeks were burning now and she wanted to hide from his intense stare but answered honestly despite it. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“Why would you want a male to touch you after you’ve been hurt?”
She tried to put her feelings into words. “I didn’t at first but then I started hearing the other women who live next door to me when men visited them. They kept inviting more of them to their apartments. I envied them because it sounded so different from what I’ve known. The sounds were of pleasure, not pain. They enjoyed it. I just want to know how it would feel to have someone touch me that way. I can’t explain it any better than that. I liked you holding me the night we spent together.”
