Shadowfever
Page 11
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We have drawn closer to each other while speaking and both realize it at the same time. We glide back in instant retreat, regaining enough distance between us that we would see an attack from the other coming. Part of me finds this amusing.
The princes have not yet reappeared. I am grateful. Although they no longer impact me sexually, they have a profoundly terrible presence. They leave me feeling oddly two-dimensional, minus something essential, guilty, betrayed in a way I cant understand and dont want to. I dont know if I feel this because I was once beneath them, with my entire sense of self being stripped from my skin and bones, or if they are fundamentally anathema to all humans. I wonder if the stuff of which they were made by the Unseelie King is so alien and horrific to us that they are the equivalent of a psychic black hole. That they are unspeakably beautiful only makes it worse. Their exquisiteness is the event horizon from which there is no escape. I shiver.
I remember.
I will never forget. Three of them and an invisible fourth, moving over me, in me.
Because Darroc commanded it. That, too, I will never forget.
I thought being raped by them was terrible, that it had carved me in deep places, changed my innate makeup. Id known nothing of pain, of transforming change. I do now.
We clear the forest, and the terrain begins to slope downward. With the moon lighting our way, we hike through dark meadows.
I give up my fishing expedition for now. My throat is raw from screaming, and putting one foot in front of the other while keeping an impassive expression on my face takes all my concentration. I slog through a lifetime of hell in the interminable darkness before dawn.
I replay the scene on the cliff through my head a thousand times, pretending it ended some other way.
Thick grass and slender flat rushes rustle at my waist and brush the undersides of my breasts. If there are animals in the dense thicket, they keep their distance. If I were an animal, I would keep my distance from us, too. The climate grows more temperate; the air warms with the perfume of exotic night-blooming jasmine and honeysuckle.
As abruptly as night falls here, dawn breaks. The sky is black one moment, pink, then blue. Three seconds, night to day.
I made it through the night. I draw a shallow, careful breath.
When my sister was killed, I discovered that the light of day has an irrational leavening effect on grief. I have no idea why. Maybe its just to shore us up so we can survive the lonely, bleak night again.
I didnt know we were on a high plain until we were suddenly at the edge of the plateau, and I am startled by the valley dropping sharply away before me.
Across that valley, on an oceanic swell of hill, it looms. It soars. It sprawls for miles in every direction.
The White Mansion.
Again I get that uncanny feeling of inevitability that, one way or another, life would have depositedme here, that in any reality I would have made the same choices that drove me to its door.
Home to the Unseelie Kings beloved concubine for whom he killed the Seelie Queen, it is so enormous it boggles the mind. I turn my head from side to side, up and down, trying to take it all in. One could hope to behold its entirety only from miles away, as we are now. Was this where Barrons had been trying to lead me? If so, why? Had Ryodan been lying when he found me on the cliffs edge and told me that the way back to Dublin was through an IFP, an Interdimensional Fairy Pothole, as Id dubbed the slivers of Fae reality that splintered our world now that the walls were down?
The walls are alabaster, reflecting the sun, and blaze with such brilliance that I narrow my eyes to slits. The sky beyond the HouseI cannot think of it without a capital; it is far more than a mere residencedeepens to a dazzling blue that exists only in Faery, a shade that will never be seen in the human world. There are certain Faery colors that have dimension, are comprised of myriad seductive subtleties upon which the eye could linger for time uncounted. The sky is nearly as addictive as the golden floor in the Hall of All Days.
I force my gaze back to the White Mansion. I explore its lines, foundation to rooftop, terrace to tower, garden to fountain to turret. A Mbius strip of tiered structures on an Escher-esque landscape, it turns back on itself here and there, continuous and unbroken, ever-changing and unfolding. It strains the eye, tests the mind. But Ive seen Fae in their true form. I find it soothing. In my dead black heart, I feel something. I dont understand how anything could stir in there, but it does. Not a full-blown feeling, but an echo of an emotion. Faint yet undeniable.
Darroc watches me. I pretend not to notice.
Your race has never built a thing of such beauty, complexity, and perfection, he says.
Nor has my race ever created a Sinsar Dubh, I parry.
Small creatures create small things.
Large creatures egos are so big they dont see the small things coming, I murmur. Like traps, I dont say.
He intuits it. He laughs and says, I will remember the warning, MacKayla.
After he found the first two Silvers at an auction house in London, Darroc tells me, he had to learn to use them. It took him dozens of tries to establish a static link into the Fae realms, then, once he was inside the Silvers, it took him months to find a way to the Unseelie prison.
Theres pride in his voice as he speaks of his trials and triumphs. Stripped of his Fae essence, he not only survived when his race didnt believe he would, but he accomplished the goal hed been pursuing as a Fae, the very thing for which hed been banished. He feels superior to others of his kind.
The princes have not yet reappeared. I am grateful. Although they no longer impact me sexually, they have a profoundly terrible presence. They leave me feeling oddly two-dimensional, minus something essential, guilty, betrayed in a way I cant understand and dont want to. I dont know if I feel this because I was once beneath them, with my entire sense of self being stripped from my skin and bones, or if they are fundamentally anathema to all humans. I wonder if the stuff of which they were made by the Unseelie King is so alien and horrific to us that they are the equivalent of a psychic black hole. That they are unspeakably beautiful only makes it worse. Their exquisiteness is the event horizon from which there is no escape. I shiver.
I remember.
I will never forget. Three of them and an invisible fourth, moving over me, in me.
Because Darroc commanded it. That, too, I will never forget.
I thought being raped by them was terrible, that it had carved me in deep places, changed my innate makeup. Id known nothing of pain, of transforming change. I do now.
We clear the forest, and the terrain begins to slope downward. With the moon lighting our way, we hike through dark meadows.
I give up my fishing expedition for now. My throat is raw from screaming, and putting one foot in front of the other while keeping an impassive expression on my face takes all my concentration. I slog through a lifetime of hell in the interminable darkness before dawn.
I replay the scene on the cliff through my head a thousand times, pretending it ended some other way.
Thick grass and slender flat rushes rustle at my waist and brush the undersides of my breasts. If there are animals in the dense thicket, they keep their distance. If I were an animal, I would keep my distance from us, too. The climate grows more temperate; the air warms with the perfume of exotic night-blooming jasmine and honeysuckle.
As abruptly as night falls here, dawn breaks. The sky is black one moment, pink, then blue. Three seconds, night to day.
I made it through the night. I draw a shallow, careful breath.
When my sister was killed, I discovered that the light of day has an irrational leavening effect on grief. I have no idea why. Maybe its just to shore us up so we can survive the lonely, bleak night again.
I didnt know we were on a high plain until we were suddenly at the edge of the plateau, and I am startled by the valley dropping sharply away before me.
Across that valley, on an oceanic swell of hill, it looms. It soars. It sprawls for miles in every direction.
The White Mansion.
Again I get that uncanny feeling of inevitability that, one way or another, life would have depositedme here, that in any reality I would have made the same choices that drove me to its door.
Home to the Unseelie Kings beloved concubine for whom he killed the Seelie Queen, it is so enormous it boggles the mind. I turn my head from side to side, up and down, trying to take it all in. One could hope to behold its entirety only from miles away, as we are now. Was this where Barrons had been trying to lead me? If so, why? Had Ryodan been lying when he found me on the cliffs edge and told me that the way back to Dublin was through an IFP, an Interdimensional Fairy Pothole, as Id dubbed the slivers of Fae reality that splintered our world now that the walls were down?
The walls are alabaster, reflecting the sun, and blaze with such brilliance that I narrow my eyes to slits. The sky beyond the HouseI cannot think of it without a capital; it is far more than a mere residencedeepens to a dazzling blue that exists only in Faery, a shade that will never be seen in the human world. There are certain Faery colors that have dimension, are comprised of myriad seductive subtleties upon which the eye could linger for time uncounted. The sky is nearly as addictive as the golden floor in the Hall of All Days.
I force my gaze back to the White Mansion. I explore its lines, foundation to rooftop, terrace to tower, garden to fountain to turret. A Mbius strip of tiered structures on an Escher-esque landscape, it turns back on itself here and there, continuous and unbroken, ever-changing and unfolding. It strains the eye, tests the mind. But Ive seen Fae in their true form. I find it soothing. In my dead black heart, I feel something. I dont understand how anything could stir in there, but it does. Not a full-blown feeling, but an echo of an emotion. Faint yet undeniable.
Darroc watches me. I pretend not to notice.
Your race has never built a thing of such beauty, complexity, and perfection, he says.
Nor has my race ever created a Sinsar Dubh, I parry.
Small creatures create small things.
Large creatures egos are so big they dont see the small things coming, I murmur. Like traps, I dont say.
He intuits it. He laughs and says, I will remember the warning, MacKayla.
After he found the first two Silvers at an auction house in London, Darroc tells me, he had to learn to use them. It took him dozens of tries to establish a static link into the Fae realms, then, once he was inside the Silvers, it took him months to find a way to the Unseelie prison.
Theres pride in his voice as he speaks of his trials and triumphs. Stripped of his Fae essence, he not only survived when his race didnt believe he would, but he accomplished the goal hed been pursuing as a Fae, the very thing for which hed been banished. He feels superior to others of his kind.
