Shadows in the Silence
Page 14
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His gaze fell to my lips for a heartbeat. “You’re an archangel and I can feel your goodness in you so strongly. I felt it in you even before I knew what you were. The night we met, it was only you in that crowd for me. I walked into that party, knowing you were there somewhere, but I could sense you a mile away. I had to know you. I was sure that if I could save you, then you could save me. God knows I need it.” He smiled only just, and something like wings beat through my chest. His thumb brushed my cheek and lips, and my heart pounded as I considered what else he wanted me to allow him to do.
“You’ve done so much to save yourself already,” I said. “You’re strong, Cadan. You just need to realize it.”
“I have,” he replied, his smile widening as he watched me. “You make me feel strong, like I can get out of this hell I was born into. I love the way you make me feel. I love you, Ellie. I really do.”
“Cadan—”
“I know you don’t think it’s real,” he said, cutting me off. “But it is. Nothing fake can feel this powerful, this invincible. I’m aware of the effect you have on all reapers, but I don’t feel what the other demonic do. None of them feel the way I do about you. I know what this is because I’ve felt it only once before. And I won’t let things happen the way they did last time.”
“I’m not Emelia,” I said, my lip quivering.
He squeezed his eyes shut for a heartbeat and his fingers spread into my hair. He opened his eyes again, and the bright orbs captured mine. “I know you aren’t. No one ever will be her, but no one will ever be you, either. Nothing that has ever set foot on this Earth in countless millennia could be compared to you. And I know you’ll never be mine.” His voice broke on those last words and his jaw tightened.
I exhaled, speechless. Nothing I could say would make him feel better. I cared about him deeply, but the limits to what I felt for him would never be enough to satisfy him.
“I know you’re his,” Cadan breathed, “but please, one kiss. That’s all I ask before I give you up forever.”
I swallowed hard. “If I’m his, then I can’t kiss you. I won’t. Not even once.”
He pushed his chest into mine, dipping his head so close I could taste his scent. He was all over me, filling my every sense.
“Please give me just one kiss. I only want to know—”
“Cadan, I am going to slap you.”
When I felt his lips brush mine, I hit him. He nearly fell to the ground, but he let me go and hobbled to his feet. He pressed one hand to the wall beside me to catch his balance and he touched his blazing red jaw with his other. His opal eyes stared wide at the floor in surprise and after a few moments, he blinked at me.
“I’m so sorry,” he gasped.
“That was wrong,” I told him firmly. “If you know the difference between right and wrong then you have to feel like an asshole right now. I’m not going to kiss you when Will is lying on his deathbed a thousand miles away. Cadan, you are my friend. Don’t ruin this.”
He turned his back to the wall and slid down to the floor, his shoulders slumping and his head hanging heavily. “I am such an asshole.”
“Yeah, you are.” I dropped to sit beside him. “How’s your jaw?”
“Hurts like hell,” he replied, moving his jawbone back and forth with a hand. “If you’d actually put some force behind it, it’d be broken.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to punch your jaw right off your face,” I said. “That would make a mess and the hotel would make me replace the carpet. I have more important things to worry about than carpet and dislodged body parts.”
“I’m sorry, Ell. I lost it for a second. I felt fearless, thinking I could have you if I took you from him. That never would’ve happened.”
“I love Will. I have for a long time. I’m not sorry for that.”
“I’m not him,” he said as the air rushed from his lungs in an awful, defeated sigh. “I’ll never be good enough, will I?”
“That’s not what it’s about,” I assured him. “I can’t explain what it’s like between Will and me. If things were different…”
“If I were angelic, you mean.”
“No. It’s not about what you are, either. That doesn’t mean anything. It’s who you are that I care about and what makes you my friend.” I touched his jaw, which didn’t look so red anymore. “And if you were anything but what you are, like if you were human, then I’d be making a run to the ice machine to get you something for this shiner I just gave you.”
He gave me a little smile and I released his face. I walked to my bed, pulled back the blanket, and settled into the firm mattress.
Cadan was slower to reach his own bed. He sat on the edge and leaned forward. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I really am.”
“It’s all right,” I said, peeking up at him from my pillow. “Get some rest. We both need some.”
“You’ve got a better heart than me.”
“You’ve got a heart and soul of gold,” I told him. “You just haven’t quite figured out how to tap into all of it yet. I have faith in you, Cadan. I believe in you. Once you can believe in yourself, that you really can do good, you’ll see a huge difference in yourself.”
“Thank you, Ell.”
“You’ve done so much to save yourself already,” I said. “You’re strong, Cadan. You just need to realize it.”
“I have,” he replied, his smile widening as he watched me. “You make me feel strong, like I can get out of this hell I was born into. I love the way you make me feel. I love you, Ellie. I really do.”
“Cadan—”
“I know you don’t think it’s real,” he said, cutting me off. “But it is. Nothing fake can feel this powerful, this invincible. I’m aware of the effect you have on all reapers, but I don’t feel what the other demonic do. None of them feel the way I do about you. I know what this is because I’ve felt it only once before. And I won’t let things happen the way they did last time.”
“I’m not Emelia,” I said, my lip quivering.
He squeezed his eyes shut for a heartbeat and his fingers spread into my hair. He opened his eyes again, and the bright orbs captured mine. “I know you aren’t. No one ever will be her, but no one will ever be you, either. Nothing that has ever set foot on this Earth in countless millennia could be compared to you. And I know you’ll never be mine.” His voice broke on those last words and his jaw tightened.
I exhaled, speechless. Nothing I could say would make him feel better. I cared about him deeply, but the limits to what I felt for him would never be enough to satisfy him.
“I know you’re his,” Cadan breathed, “but please, one kiss. That’s all I ask before I give you up forever.”
I swallowed hard. “If I’m his, then I can’t kiss you. I won’t. Not even once.”
He pushed his chest into mine, dipping his head so close I could taste his scent. He was all over me, filling my every sense.
“Please give me just one kiss. I only want to know—”
“Cadan, I am going to slap you.”
When I felt his lips brush mine, I hit him. He nearly fell to the ground, but he let me go and hobbled to his feet. He pressed one hand to the wall beside me to catch his balance and he touched his blazing red jaw with his other. His opal eyes stared wide at the floor in surprise and after a few moments, he blinked at me.
“I’m so sorry,” he gasped.
“That was wrong,” I told him firmly. “If you know the difference between right and wrong then you have to feel like an asshole right now. I’m not going to kiss you when Will is lying on his deathbed a thousand miles away. Cadan, you are my friend. Don’t ruin this.”
He turned his back to the wall and slid down to the floor, his shoulders slumping and his head hanging heavily. “I am such an asshole.”
“Yeah, you are.” I dropped to sit beside him. “How’s your jaw?”
“Hurts like hell,” he replied, moving his jawbone back and forth with a hand. “If you’d actually put some force behind it, it’d be broken.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to punch your jaw right off your face,” I said. “That would make a mess and the hotel would make me replace the carpet. I have more important things to worry about than carpet and dislodged body parts.”
“I’m sorry, Ell. I lost it for a second. I felt fearless, thinking I could have you if I took you from him. That never would’ve happened.”
“I love Will. I have for a long time. I’m not sorry for that.”
“I’m not him,” he said as the air rushed from his lungs in an awful, defeated sigh. “I’ll never be good enough, will I?”
“That’s not what it’s about,” I assured him. “I can’t explain what it’s like between Will and me. If things were different…”
“If I were angelic, you mean.”
“No. It’s not about what you are, either. That doesn’t mean anything. It’s who you are that I care about and what makes you my friend.” I touched his jaw, which didn’t look so red anymore. “And if you were anything but what you are, like if you were human, then I’d be making a run to the ice machine to get you something for this shiner I just gave you.”
He gave me a little smile and I released his face. I walked to my bed, pulled back the blanket, and settled into the firm mattress.
Cadan was slower to reach his own bed. He sat on the edge and leaned forward. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I really am.”
“It’s all right,” I said, peeking up at him from my pillow. “Get some rest. We both need some.”
“You’ve got a better heart than me.”
“You’ve got a heart and soul of gold,” I told him. “You just haven’t quite figured out how to tap into all of it yet. I have faith in you, Cadan. I believe in you. Once you can believe in yourself, that you really can do good, you’ll see a huge difference in yourself.”
“Thank you, Ell.”
