Shadows in the Silence
Page 80

“Will,” I said, feeling a strange but settled peacefulness in me. I felt cloudy and lightheaded, detached. “It’s okay. I’ve prepared myself to be ready for anything. I’m okay with this.”
“But I’m not,” he told me. “Remember what Michael said: if you die an angel, then you might not come back.”
“So many lives will be saved if I do this,” I said. “It’s the only way I can destroy Sammael and Lilith and—”
“No,” he said firmly, and his sword hand clenched. When he spoke again, his voice was tender. “No.”
For a moment, it felt like there was only him and me in the room. Everyone else had melted away. Will’s eyes fluttered shut, tightening with regret before he forced himself to meet my gaze again. He reached for me, his skin warm as his hands brushed my cheeks, and he sucked in his lip and shook his head very slightly.
“No,” he said again.
“We’ll be all right,” I told him.
“There’s always another way.”
“This time there isn’t,” I said.
His eyes zipped back and forth between mine, his mouth open in shock. “How are you so calm?”
“I believe I always knew it would come to this.”
“You aren’t meant to die,” he said. “You always come back. You can’t be gone forever.”
My heart was breaking, not for me, but for him. “I’m sorry that I have to do this.”
“Ellie.” He whispered my name, making me lose any determination I had to stand against him. “This is why I wasn’t supposed to love you. Because I won’t let you do what you have to. It’s easy to do my duty when I have nothing to lose, but now I have everything to lose. I’ll lose you.”
I had a million things to say to him, but the words wouldn’t string themselves together in my head enough to form anything coherent. All I knew and understood was that I had to stay strong. Sometimes, after people had accepted that they would die, they became self-destructive, as if it didn’t matter if they wasted what time they had left. That wouldn’t be me. If I would die, then I would make it count.
After an agonizing eternity, Will touched my hair in that familiar way of his, holding the lock in his fingers. “I don’t have it in me to let you go.”
I bit my lip to keep it from trembling as I watched the agony slowly dull the inimitable green of his eyes. “We must do whatever it takes to protect Earth and Heaven. It’s okay.”
He said nothing, only shook his head again.
“Gabriel,” Azrael called. “What will it be?”
I looked up at the angel and swallowed my fear. “I’ll do it.”
25
AFTER AZRAEL’S DEPARTURE, EVERYONE GATHERED to discuss our next move and where the last Naphil might be hidden. Everyone except for Will and me. Will was thinking, calculating. Already he was resolute in figuring out how to beat the Fallen in a way that didn’t involve me ripping out hearts and growing wings. Azrael’s news was hard for both of us and I couldn’t stand Will’s silence.
I slipped away without telling anyone and retreated to Madeleine’s quarters, but it wasn’t long before Cadan found me. I welcomed his presence when he sat beside me, put an arm around my shoulders, and let me lean into him.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” he said, his voice low and soft. “I just thought you needed some company.”
I took a long, deep breath and let it out slowly, but the tension wouldn’t leave me. “I’m not really sure what I need right now.”
“Everything will be okay,” he promised. “Things happen the way they’re supposed to happen. If you become an archangel again, then you were always meant to. For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a pretty badass angel.”
“You don’t know what they’re—what we’re—like,” I said. “Azrael, Michael, me—Gabriel, that is—we’re made of ice. We can’t feel anything. I don’t want to be like that.”
He paused for a thoughtful moment. “I know you and you won’t stop feeling. You have a soul. Probably the best one I’ve ever known.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. “You’re always so positive.”
“I know you’re scared,” Cadan said. “And I know you’re sad. It’s okay to be both.”
He and Will were half brothers, but they were so different. Cadan had somehow become this pillar of strength and support for me, the way Will was, but he always knew the right thing to say. The way Will expressed his feelings and dealt with things that troubled him was so much more physical. He was more quiet, but when he did open up to me, it was beautiful. Cadan had this uncanny intuition that made him an incredible friend.
“He’s going to close himself up now,” I said, remembering how Will had mourned Nathaniel in his own way. I didn’t want him to mourn me already.
Cadan seemed to understand who I meant. “If he does, it’s not because he doesn’t care.”
“I know.” I sighed.
“He won’t give up searching for a way around your ascension,” he continued thoughtfully. “He reminds me a little of Bastian in that way. They both have this relentless determination and are very thorough in everything they do.”
He was right, I realized, but I’d never say that to Will. It would only make things a thousand times worse. Will would likely never fully accept that Bastian was his father, and he would certainly never take well to being compared to Bastian. Will was good and sweet and kind, but I’d seen his temper. His relentless determination also included kicking ass. And when Will kicked ass, he was very thorough. He kicked every last inch of it.