Shadows of Yesterday
Page 26
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“She committed suicide?”
His hands clenched around the padded leather steering wheel. “Yes.”
“Why, Chad?”
“Dammit—”
“Why?” she shouted.
He braked the car to a screeching halt. Leigh didn’t realize until then that they were in front of her house. Chad turned in his bucket seat to look at her, his eyes flashing angrily. Even in the darkness they were brilliant, lit by an internal flame.
“It happened two years ago. I was in Alaska fighting a fire. It was a helluva fire and took us weeks to put out. Sharon was notified that I was hurt. I was. I had gotten bumped on the head and had a slight concussion, but that was the extent of it. The details of the accident didn’t filter down until after she had taken a bottle of sleeping pills.”
He turned away and pushed open his door. Hastily Leigh rewrapped Sarah and stepped out of the low car when he opened her door. “Where’s your key?” he asked as they hurried through the frigid wind toward the front door.
“In here.” She lifted her arm, making her purse available to him.
He fumbled through the contents until he located the key. In a matter of moments the door was opened. Chad went in ahead of Leigh and Sarah to turn on lights and reset the thermostat, which Leigh had conscientiously lowered before they left for the day.
“I’ll go get the diaper bag,” he said.
Dispiritedly Leigh carried Sarah to her new room and laid her in the crib. Her fingers moved automatically as she changed Sarah out of her clothes into a sleeper. She spoke to her softly, commending the infant on her good behavior all day, but Leigh’s mind wasn’t on the lulling words. Her thoughts were focused on the tight, closed expression on Chad’s face when he had told her the details of his wife’s death.
By the time the baby was changed, he was standing beside Leigh at the crib. “Good night, Sarah.” When he bent from the waist to kiss the baby on the cheek, she bopped him on the nose with her fist. He chuckled as he turned her over onto her stomach, patted her once on the rump, and then left the room.
Leigh prolonged her good night to the drowsy infant, dreading the showdown she knew was waiting for her in the living room. When at last she switched off all but one dim night light, she had run out of excuses not to join him.
Chad was sitting on the sofa staring at the floor. His hands were loosely linked between wide-spread knees. As Leigh entered the room, he lifted his head to look at her.
“I apologize for not telling you about Sharon,” he said without preamble. “Considering how she died, I think you can see how it wouldn’t be a pleasant subject to bring up when you’re courting another woman.”
It was a flimsy excuse, and Leigh knew there had to be more behind Chad’s reticence than this. She was determined to draw the truth from him. “There have been plenty of times you could have told me, Chad. I asked if you were married when I was in labor. You could simply have said you were a widower. When I talked to you about Greg, that was a perfect opportunity for you to tell me about Sharon. Or you could have told me the other night when we were clearing the air about all the other secrets you had kept from me. Oh, yes, if you had wanted to tell me, there have been numerous opportunities to do so.”
“All right,” he said harshly and sprang to his feet, raking a hand through his hair. “I didn’t want to tell you!”
“That’s more to the point.”
He looked at her with agitation and his hands came up to rest on his lips in a defiant stance. He spoke in low, measured tones that barely contained his anger. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react to it exactly the way you’re reacting now. You’d see what Sharon did as just one more reason why we shouldn’t be together.”
“Yes. That’s right.” Anger dissipating under the weight of the truth, she sank down onto the sofa. “Oh, Chad, don’t you see? I’d never resort to suicide, but I’d be miserable every time you were called out to fight a fire. I know I would be. I was every time Greg had to go undercover. I made him miserable, too, and I don’t want to do that to you.”
He crouched in front of her and caught her chin so she’d have to look at him. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t worry. But you’re not like Sharon. Leigh, she was a butterfly—skittish, nervous, high-strung, afraid of her own shadow. I think one reason I married her was to protect her. She evoked that kind of emotion in everyone, especially in her parents. I felt guilty for taking her out on dates before we were married because they hated to see her leave the house even for a few hours.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very healthy atmosphere.”
“No, it wasn’t, and I should have seen that sooner. I pitied her more than I loved her. That’s the God’s truth, Leigh.”
“I believe you, Chad. I know how you feel about women. You want to protect all of us.”
“That’s not how I feel about you.” She knew by the expression on his face how he felt about her. His eyes that lingered on her mouth, his hands that encircled her waist, told her that it wasn’t pity or paternal protectiveness she generated in him.
“I want to give you and Sarah a home. I want to give your lives permanence. But I’m not unselfish. I need you, Leigh. I need a partner. I want to share my life with you. Conversation, problems, laughter, sex. Everything. I don’t want a china doll who needs coddling. I want a woman. You.”
He had been studying the delicate veins on the back of her hand. When he looked up, he was amazed to discover tears streaming down her cheeks. “Leigh, what—”
“Don’t you see, Chad? You’re transferring all the qualities Sharon didn’t have onto me. But I don’t have them either.”
“You do!”
“You think I’m courageous. Greg could tell you otherwise. I drove him to distraction with my complaining every time he left. I made him as unhappy as I was. I wouldn’t put you through that. I wouldn’t put myself through it, not to mention Sarah.”
“It won’t be like that, Leigh. I’ve seen you handle the most adverse of circumstances with more bravery than most women would ever show in a lifetime. My God! You had a baby in the middle of nowhere without anesthesia, without antiseptics, without anyone to help you but a man petrified that he was going to hurt you or the baby. And you smiled through it all.”
His hands clenched around the padded leather steering wheel. “Yes.”
“Why, Chad?”
“Dammit—”
“Why?” she shouted.
He braked the car to a screeching halt. Leigh didn’t realize until then that they were in front of her house. Chad turned in his bucket seat to look at her, his eyes flashing angrily. Even in the darkness they were brilliant, lit by an internal flame.
“It happened two years ago. I was in Alaska fighting a fire. It was a helluva fire and took us weeks to put out. Sharon was notified that I was hurt. I was. I had gotten bumped on the head and had a slight concussion, but that was the extent of it. The details of the accident didn’t filter down until after she had taken a bottle of sleeping pills.”
He turned away and pushed open his door. Hastily Leigh rewrapped Sarah and stepped out of the low car when he opened her door. “Where’s your key?” he asked as they hurried through the frigid wind toward the front door.
“In here.” She lifted her arm, making her purse available to him.
He fumbled through the contents until he located the key. In a matter of moments the door was opened. Chad went in ahead of Leigh and Sarah to turn on lights and reset the thermostat, which Leigh had conscientiously lowered before they left for the day.
“I’ll go get the diaper bag,” he said.
Dispiritedly Leigh carried Sarah to her new room and laid her in the crib. Her fingers moved automatically as she changed Sarah out of her clothes into a sleeper. She spoke to her softly, commending the infant on her good behavior all day, but Leigh’s mind wasn’t on the lulling words. Her thoughts were focused on the tight, closed expression on Chad’s face when he had told her the details of his wife’s death.
By the time the baby was changed, he was standing beside Leigh at the crib. “Good night, Sarah.” When he bent from the waist to kiss the baby on the cheek, she bopped him on the nose with her fist. He chuckled as he turned her over onto her stomach, patted her once on the rump, and then left the room.
Leigh prolonged her good night to the drowsy infant, dreading the showdown she knew was waiting for her in the living room. When at last she switched off all but one dim night light, she had run out of excuses not to join him.
Chad was sitting on the sofa staring at the floor. His hands were loosely linked between wide-spread knees. As Leigh entered the room, he lifted his head to look at her.
“I apologize for not telling you about Sharon,” he said without preamble. “Considering how she died, I think you can see how it wouldn’t be a pleasant subject to bring up when you’re courting another woman.”
It was a flimsy excuse, and Leigh knew there had to be more behind Chad’s reticence than this. She was determined to draw the truth from him. “There have been plenty of times you could have told me, Chad. I asked if you were married when I was in labor. You could simply have said you were a widower. When I talked to you about Greg, that was a perfect opportunity for you to tell me about Sharon. Or you could have told me the other night when we were clearing the air about all the other secrets you had kept from me. Oh, yes, if you had wanted to tell me, there have been numerous opportunities to do so.”
“All right,” he said harshly and sprang to his feet, raking a hand through his hair. “I didn’t want to tell you!”
“That’s more to the point.”
He looked at her with agitation and his hands came up to rest on his lips in a defiant stance. He spoke in low, measured tones that barely contained his anger. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react to it exactly the way you’re reacting now. You’d see what Sharon did as just one more reason why we shouldn’t be together.”
“Yes. That’s right.” Anger dissipating under the weight of the truth, she sank down onto the sofa. “Oh, Chad, don’t you see? I’d never resort to suicide, but I’d be miserable every time you were called out to fight a fire. I know I would be. I was every time Greg had to go undercover. I made him miserable, too, and I don’t want to do that to you.”
He crouched in front of her and caught her chin so she’d have to look at him. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t worry. But you’re not like Sharon. Leigh, she was a butterfly—skittish, nervous, high-strung, afraid of her own shadow. I think one reason I married her was to protect her. She evoked that kind of emotion in everyone, especially in her parents. I felt guilty for taking her out on dates before we were married because they hated to see her leave the house even for a few hours.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very healthy atmosphere.”
“No, it wasn’t, and I should have seen that sooner. I pitied her more than I loved her. That’s the God’s truth, Leigh.”
“I believe you, Chad. I know how you feel about women. You want to protect all of us.”
“That’s not how I feel about you.” She knew by the expression on his face how he felt about her. His eyes that lingered on her mouth, his hands that encircled her waist, told her that it wasn’t pity or paternal protectiveness she generated in him.
“I want to give you and Sarah a home. I want to give your lives permanence. But I’m not unselfish. I need you, Leigh. I need a partner. I want to share my life with you. Conversation, problems, laughter, sex. Everything. I don’t want a china doll who needs coddling. I want a woman. You.”
He had been studying the delicate veins on the back of her hand. When he looked up, he was amazed to discover tears streaming down her cheeks. “Leigh, what—”
“Don’t you see, Chad? You’re transferring all the qualities Sharon didn’t have onto me. But I don’t have them either.”
“You do!”
“You think I’m courageous. Greg could tell you otherwise. I drove him to distraction with my complaining every time he left. I made him as unhappy as I was. I wouldn’t put you through that. I wouldn’t put myself through it, not to mention Sarah.”
“It won’t be like that, Leigh. I’ve seen you handle the most adverse of circumstances with more bravery than most women would ever show in a lifetime. My God! You had a baby in the middle of nowhere without anesthesia, without antiseptics, without anyone to help you but a man petrified that he was going to hurt you or the baby. And you smiled through it all.”
