Sincerely, Carter
Page 41
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“When I get this right, you owe me a trip to Martha’s Waffle Place. Your treat.”
“When you get this wrong, I’ll take you to the IHOP down the street.”
She smiled. “South Beach University.”
I was silent.
“Is that it?” she asked. “Did I get it right?”
“Nope.”
“Liar!” She laughed. “I can see it all over your face. “You should accept the facts by now. I know you better than you know yourself.”
“No, you just think that you do.”
“Want to bet on that, too?”
“As a matter of fact—” I stopped talking as the doorknob turned, as the door suddenly opened.
In walked Mr. Florence, the same janitor from years past. He looked back and forth between Ari and me, shaking his head.
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you both very much for being the perfect sign that I really do need to retire…Now, get the hell out of my closet…”
Track 20. All You Had to Do Was Stay (4:49)
I had a feeling in my chest when I woke up this morning that I was going to regret this goodbye for the rest of my life. I didn’t try to stop it, though. Didn’t attempt to question or wonder why this unfamiliar feeling had suddenly appeared. I just went through the motions.
I got dressed early, drove to the airport to meet Arizona, and ignored whatever that unwelcome feeling was.
“Are you sure you can’t go with her?” Ari’s mom stood by my side at the terminal. “Just to make sure she gets there safely?”
“Mom…” Ari said. “People fly all the time. I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay.”
I hadn’t told Ari, but her mom had called me every day this week—asking me to do small things that helped lessen her OCD-like worries: I printed information about the type of airliner Ari would be flying on, the last known accident on the aircraft. I even managed to look up who the pilot would be and tell her he had a stellar record and hadn’t been in any accidents.
“I need the two of you to take a picture together…” she said. “I need to remember this moment.”
I walked over to Ari and put my arm around her shoulder. We both held our smiles, looking right at her mom as she clicked the button, but nothing happened.
“Ugh!” She slapped her forehead with her palm. “I forgot to buy new batteries for this thing. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” She stepped away and walked to a gift-shop.
Ari looked up at me and sighed. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Do you think I’m making the right choice?” Her voice cracked. “Is this the right choice?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like…Three weeks ago, I was going to Cleveland for culinary school. I was still going to be in the States and I could have flown home once a month…maybe more. But two weeks ago everything changed and I just…I don’t know anymore. Do you think going abroad to this school is what’s best for me?”
“It’s the second highest ranked culinary school in the world, correct?”
She nodded.
“Then I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s the right choice…”
“I’m just wondering if…” Her voice trailed off. “Never mind…My chest feels like it’s going to explode any minute because I’ve had anxiety ever since I woke up this morning…Just so you know, I still expect you to email me whenever you get a chance so I won’t have to use so many international minutes, and you have to write me one letter a month.”
“Via email?”
“No, a real letter like old times.”
“It’s going to take a week or two for it to get to you.”
“I don’t care. I want one. I think it’s going to feel weird enough not talking to you so much.”
“Doubt it. I won’t notice your absence at all.”
She hit my shoulder. “You’ll miss me more than I miss you.”
“Want to bet?”
“Twenty dollars.”
“That’s all I’m worth?”
“That’s all you’re getting.” She laughed and leaned close.
I ran my fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling the need to kiss her lips, to pull her close and give her a kiss she’d never forget in front of everyone around us.
Fuck it… I covered her mouth with mine, claiming every inch of it with my tongue—not letting her go when she pretended like she wanted to. I bit her bottom lip, and smiled as she murmured against my mouth, but when I felt like she needed to take a breath, I finally pulled away.
Staring at me in shock, her cheeks turned red—a mix of horniness and anger.
“Add that to the list of shit that never happened between us…” I said under my breath, gently rubbing her back. “For the record, you’re doing the right thing by chasing your dreams…You know that, and you should—”
“I love you.” She cut me off. “I’m in love with you, and I need you to know that…I think I’ve loved you for most of my life, and…Even though I’m going away today, I need to know if…I need to know if you feel the same.”
Silence.
Her last paragraph repeated itself in my mind on a loop: I love you, I’m in love with you, do you feel the same…
I knew what I should’ve said, what would make her flight easier, but I had to say what I knew was better. What I knew was the right thing to do.
“Ari…” I said, looking into her eyes.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry…” I noticed tears welling in her eyes. “Please don’t take this to heart but…I do love you, I love you very much but…”
“But?” Her face fell. “But, what?”
“But not in that way…You’re my best friend and I know we had sex but…We’re just friends.”
Wiping away a stray tear, she forced a smile and nodded, stepping back. “Right…Just friends.”
I reached out and pulled her back. “You’re doing the right thing by going abroad. You’re going to kick ass.”
“Thank you...” She gave me a hug and we stood still in an awkward embrace before slowly breaking apart.
“Did I miss something?” Her mom walked back over, looking between us both. “Why is your face so red, Ari?”
“I have no idea.” She turned away from me.
Her mom looked between the two of us again but didn’t press any further. “Could you stand next to each other again?”
We stepped closer and she snapped shot after shot.
“Okay…How about a hugging pose?” She snapped again. “Give each other a real hug! Like you’re actually best friends who won’t see each other for a while. Ari, you look like you don’t even want to be around Carter right now…”
If only she knew…
When she was satisfied with our less than stellar shots, she snapped her fingers and made solo requests for just Ari.
“Could you go stand by that departure sign, Ari?” Her mom asked. “Oh, and I need to get one of you in front of the international sign, too.”
“When you get this wrong, I’ll take you to the IHOP down the street.”
She smiled. “South Beach University.”
I was silent.
“Is that it?” she asked. “Did I get it right?”
“Nope.”
“Liar!” She laughed. “I can see it all over your face. “You should accept the facts by now. I know you better than you know yourself.”
“No, you just think that you do.”
“Want to bet on that, too?”
“As a matter of fact—” I stopped talking as the doorknob turned, as the door suddenly opened.
In walked Mr. Florence, the same janitor from years past. He looked back and forth between Ari and me, shaking his head.
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you both very much for being the perfect sign that I really do need to retire…Now, get the hell out of my closet…”
Track 20. All You Had to Do Was Stay (4:49)
I had a feeling in my chest when I woke up this morning that I was going to regret this goodbye for the rest of my life. I didn’t try to stop it, though. Didn’t attempt to question or wonder why this unfamiliar feeling had suddenly appeared. I just went through the motions.
I got dressed early, drove to the airport to meet Arizona, and ignored whatever that unwelcome feeling was.
“Are you sure you can’t go with her?” Ari’s mom stood by my side at the terminal. “Just to make sure she gets there safely?”
“Mom…” Ari said. “People fly all the time. I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay.”
I hadn’t told Ari, but her mom had called me every day this week—asking me to do small things that helped lessen her OCD-like worries: I printed information about the type of airliner Ari would be flying on, the last known accident on the aircraft. I even managed to look up who the pilot would be and tell her he had a stellar record and hadn’t been in any accidents.
“I need the two of you to take a picture together…” she said. “I need to remember this moment.”
I walked over to Ari and put my arm around her shoulder. We both held our smiles, looking right at her mom as she clicked the button, but nothing happened.
“Ugh!” She slapped her forehead with her palm. “I forgot to buy new batteries for this thing. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” She stepped away and walked to a gift-shop.
Ari looked up at me and sighed. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Do you think I’m making the right choice?” Her voice cracked. “Is this the right choice?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like…Three weeks ago, I was going to Cleveland for culinary school. I was still going to be in the States and I could have flown home once a month…maybe more. But two weeks ago everything changed and I just…I don’t know anymore. Do you think going abroad to this school is what’s best for me?”
“It’s the second highest ranked culinary school in the world, correct?”
She nodded.
“Then I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s the right choice…”
“I’m just wondering if…” Her voice trailed off. “Never mind…My chest feels like it’s going to explode any minute because I’ve had anxiety ever since I woke up this morning…Just so you know, I still expect you to email me whenever you get a chance so I won’t have to use so many international minutes, and you have to write me one letter a month.”
“Via email?”
“No, a real letter like old times.”
“It’s going to take a week or two for it to get to you.”
“I don’t care. I want one. I think it’s going to feel weird enough not talking to you so much.”
“Doubt it. I won’t notice your absence at all.”
She hit my shoulder. “You’ll miss me more than I miss you.”
“Want to bet?”
“Twenty dollars.”
“That’s all I’m worth?”
“That’s all you’re getting.” She laughed and leaned close.
I ran my fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling the need to kiss her lips, to pull her close and give her a kiss she’d never forget in front of everyone around us.
Fuck it… I covered her mouth with mine, claiming every inch of it with my tongue—not letting her go when she pretended like she wanted to. I bit her bottom lip, and smiled as she murmured against my mouth, but when I felt like she needed to take a breath, I finally pulled away.
Staring at me in shock, her cheeks turned red—a mix of horniness and anger.
“Add that to the list of shit that never happened between us…” I said under my breath, gently rubbing her back. “For the record, you’re doing the right thing by chasing your dreams…You know that, and you should—”
“I love you.” She cut me off. “I’m in love with you, and I need you to know that…I think I’ve loved you for most of my life, and…Even though I’m going away today, I need to know if…I need to know if you feel the same.”
Silence.
Her last paragraph repeated itself in my mind on a loop: I love you, I’m in love with you, do you feel the same…
I knew what I should’ve said, what would make her flight easier, but I had to say what I knew was better. What I knew was the right thing to do.
“Ari…” I said, looking into her eyes.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry…” I noticed tears welling in her eyes. “Please don’t take this to heart but…I do love you, I love you very much but…”
“But?” Her face fell. “But, what?”
“But not in that way…You’re my best friend and I know we had sex but…We’re just friends.”
Wiping away a stray tear, she forced a smile and nodded, stepping back. “Right…Just friends.”
I reached out and pulled her back. “You’re doing the right thing by going abroad. You’re going to kick ass.”
“Thank you...” She gave me a hug and we stood still in an awkward embrace before slowly breaking apart.
“Did I miss something?” Her mom walked back over, looking between us both. “Why is your face so red, Ari?”
“I have no idea.” She turned away from me.
Her mom looked between the two of us again but didn’t press any further. “Could you stand next to each other again?”
We stepped closer and she snapped shot after shot.
“Okay…How about a hugging pose?” She snapped again. “Give each other a real hug! Like you’re actually best friends who won’t see each other for a while. Ari, you look like you don’t even want to be around Carter right now…”
If only she knew…
When she was satisfied with our less than stellar shots, she snapped her fingers and made solo requests for just Ari.
“Could you go stand by that departure sign, Ari?” Her mom asked. “Oh, and I need to get one of you in front of the international sign, too.”
