“Hello, Jake.”
I turned toward the familiar voice. There, standing no more than ten yards away from me, was Natalie. I quickly looked toward her left ring finger. As if reading my thoughts, she raised the hand to show me the new wedding band.
“Congratulations,” I said. “I’m very happy for you.”
She ignored that comment. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
I spread my arms. “I heard there would be great passed hors d’oeuvres. It’s hard to keep me away from those.”
“Funny.”
I shrugged while my heart turned into dust and blew away.
“Everyone said you’d never show,” Natalie said. “But I knew you would.”
“I still love you,” I said.
“I know.”
“And you still love me.”
“I don’t, Jake. See?”
She waved the ring in my face.
“Honey?” Todd and his facial hair came around the corner. He spotted me and frowned. “Who is this?”
But it was clear that he knew.
“Jake Fisher,” I said. “Congratulations on the nuptials.”
“Where have I seen you before?”
I let Natalie handle that one. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said, “Jake has been modeling for a lot of us. You probably recognize him from some of our pieces.”
He still frowned. Natalie got in front of him and said, “If you could just give us a second, okay? I’ll be right there.”
Todd glanced over at me. I didn’t move. I didn’t back up. I didn’t look away.
Grudgingly he said, “Okay. But don’t be long.”
He gave me one more hard look and started back around the chapel. Natalie looked over at me. I pointed toward where Todd had vanished.
“He seems fun,” I said.
“Why are you here?”
“I needed to tell you that I love you,” I said. “I needed to tell you that I always will.”
“It’s over, Jake. You’ll move on. You’ll be fine.”
I said nothing.
“Jake?”
“What?”
She tilted her head a little. She knew what that head tilt did to me. “Promise me you’ll leave us alone.”
I just stood there.
“Promise me you won’t follow us or call or even e-mail.”
The pain in my chest grew. It became something sharp and heavy.
“Promise me, Jake. Promise me you’ll leave us alone.”
Her eyes locked on to mine.
“Okay,” I said. “I promise.”
Without another word, Natalie walked away, back to the front of that chapel toward the man she had just married. I stood there a moment, trying to catch my breath. I tried to get angry, tried to make light of it, tried to shrug it off and tell her it was her loss. I tried all that, and then I even tried to be mature about it, but I still knew that this was all a stall technique, so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I would be forever brokenhearted.
I stayed there behind the chapel until I figured everyone was gone. Then I came back around. The minister with the cleanly shaven head was outside on the steps. So was Natalie’s sister, Julie. She put a hand on my arm. “Are you okay?”
“I’m super,” I said to her.
The minister smiled at me. “A lovely day for a wedding, don’t you think?”
I blinked into the sunlight. “I guess it is,” I said, and then I walked away.
I would do as Natalie asked. I would leave her alone. I would think about her every day, but I’d never call or reach out or even look her up online. I would keep my promise.
For six years.
Chapter 2
SIX YEARS LATER
The biggest change in my life, though I couldn’t know it at the time, would arrive sometime between 3:29 P.M. and 3:30 P.M.
My freshman class on the politics of moral reasoning had just ended. I was heading out of Bard Hall. The day was campus-ready. The sun shone brightly on this crisp Massachusetts afternoon. There was an Ultimate Frisbee game on the quad. Students lay strewn all over the place, as though scattered by some giant hand. Music blasted. It was as if the dream campus brochure had come to life.
I love days like this, but then again, who doesn’t?
“Professor Fisher?”
I turned to the voice. Seven students were sitting in a semicircle in the grass. The girl who spoke was in the middle.
“Would you like to join us?” she asked.
I waved them off with a smile. “Thanks, but I have office hours.”
I kept walking. I wouldn’t have stayed anyway, though I would have loved to sit with them on such a glorious day—who wouldn’t? There were fine lines between teacher and student, and, sorry, uncharitable as this might sound, I didn’t want to be that teacher, if you know what I mean, the teacher who hangs out a little too much with the student body and attends the occasional frat party and maybe offers up a beer at the football game tailgate. A professor should be supportive and approachable, but a professor should be neither buddy nor parent.
When I got to Clark House, Mrs. Dinsmore greeted me with a familiar scowl. Mrs. Dinsmore, a classic battle-axe, had been the political science department receptionist here since, I believe, the Hoover administration. She was at least two hundred years old but was only as impatient and nasty as someone half that age.
“Good afternoon, sexy,” I said to her. “Any messages?”
“On your desk,” Mrs. Dinsmore said. Even her voice scowled. “And there’s the usual line of coeds outside your door.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Looks like a Rockettes audition back there.”
“Got it.”
“Your predecessor was never this accessible.”
“Oh, come now, Mrs. Dinsmore. I visited him here all the time when I was a student.”
“Yeah, but at least your shorts were an appropriate length.”
“And that disappointed you a little, didn’t it?”
Mrs. Dinsmore did her best not to smile at me. “Just get out of my face, will you?”
“Just admit it.”
“You want a kick in the pants? Get out of here.”
I blew her a kiss and took the back entrance so as to avoid the line of students who signed up for Friday office hours. I have two hours of “unscheduled” office time every Friday from 3:00 to 5:00 P.M. It was open time, nine minutes per student, no schedule, no early sign-up. You just show up—first come, first served. We keep strictly on the clock. You have nine minutes. No more, no less, and then one minute to leave and let the next student settle in and have their turn. If you need more time or if I’m your thesis adviser or what have you, Mrs. Dinsmore will schedule you for a longer appointment.
I turned toward the familiar voice. There, standing no more than ten yards away from me, was Natalie. I quickly looked toward her left ring finger. As if reading my thoughts, she raised the hand to show me the new wedding band.
“Congratulations,” I said. “I’m very happy for you.”
She ignored that comment. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
I spread my arms. “I heard there would be great passed hors d’oeuvres. It’s hard to keep me away from those.”
“Funny.”
I shrugged while my heart turned into dust and blew away.
“Everyone said you’d never show,” Natalie said. “But I knew you would.”
“I still love you,” I said.
“I know.”
“And you still love me.”
“I don’t, Jake. See?”
She waved the ring in my face.
“Honey?” Todd and his facial hair came around the corner. He spotted me and frowned. “Who is this?”
But it was clear that he knew.
“Jake Fisher,” I said. “Congratulations on the nuptials.”
“Where have I seen you before?”
I let Natalie handle that one. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said, “Jake has been modeling for a lot of us. You probably recognize him from some of our pieces.”
He still frowned. Natalie got in front of him and said, “If you could just give us a second, okay? I’ll be right there.”
Todd glanced over at me. I didn’t move. I didn’t back up. I didn’t look away.
Grudgingly he said, “Okay. But don’t be long.”
He gave me one more hard look and started back around the chapel. Natalie looked over at me. I pointed toward where Todd had vanished.
“He seems fun,” I said.
“Why are you here?”
“I needed to tell you that I love you,” I said. “I needed to tell you that I always will.”
“It’s over, Jake. You’ll move on. You’ll be fine.”
I said nothing.
“Jake?”
“What?”
She tilted her head a little. She knew what that head tilt did to me. “Promise me you’ll leave us alone.”
I just stood there.
“Promise me you won’t follow us or call or even e-mail.”
The pain in my chest grew. It became something sharp and heavy.
“Promise me, Jake. Promise me you’ll leave us alone.”
Her eyes locked on to mine.
“Okay,” I said. “I promise.”
Without another word, Natalie walked away, back to the front of that chapel toward the man she had just married. I stood there a moment, trying to catch my breath. I tried to get angry, tried to make light of it, tried to shrug it off and tell her it was her loss. I tried all that, and then I even tried to be mature about it, but I still knew that this was all a stall technique, so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I would be forever brokenhearted.
I stayed there behind the chapel until I figured everyone was gone. Then I came back around. The minister with the cleanly shaven head was outside on the steps. So was Natalie’s sister, Julie. She put a hand on my arm. “Are you okay?”
“I’m super,” I said to her.
The minister smiled at me. “A lovely day for a wedding, don’t you think?”
I blinked into the sunlight. “I guess it is,” I said, and then I walked away.
I would do as Natalie asked. I would leave her alone. I would think about her every day, but I’d never call or reach out or even look her up online. I would keep my promise.
For six years.
Chapter 2
SIX YEARS LATER
The biggest change in my life, though I couldn’t know it at the time, would arrive sometime between 3:29 P.M. and 3:30 P.M.
My freshman class on the politics of moral reasoning had just ended. I was heading out of Bard Hall. The day was campus-ready. The sun shone brightly on this crisp Massachusetts afternoon. There was an Ultimate Frisbee game on the quad. Students lay strewn all over the place, as though scattered by some giant hand. Music blasted. It was as if the dream campus brochure had come to life.
I love days like this, but then again, who doesn’t?
“Professor Fisher?”
I turned to the voice. Seven students were sitting in a semicircle in the grass. The girl who spoke was in the middle.
“Would you like to join us?” she asked.
I waved them off with a smile. “Thanks, but I have office hours.”
I kept walking. I wouldn’t have stayed anyway, though I would have loved to sit with them on such a glorious day—who wouldn’t? There were fine lines between teacher and student, and, sorry, uncharitable as this might sound, I didn’t want to be that teacher, if you know what I mean, the teacher who hangs out a little too much with the student body and attends the occasional frat party and maybe offers up a beer at the football game tailgate. A professor should be supportive and approachable, but a professor should be neither buddy nor parent.
When I got to Clark House, Mrs. Dinsmore greeted me with a familiar scowl. Mrs. Dinsmore, a classic battle-axe, had been the political science department receptionist here since, I believe, the Hoover administration. She was at least two hundred years old but was only as impatient and nasty as someone half that age.
“Good afternoon, sexy,” I said to her. “Any messages?”
“On your desk,” Mrs. Dinsmore said. Even her voice scowled. “And there’s the usual line of coeds outside your door.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Looks like a Rockettes audition back there.”
“Got it.”
“Your predecessor was never this accessible.”
“Oh, come now, Mrs. Dinsmore. I visited him here all the time when I was a student.”
“Yeah, but at least your shorts were an appropriate length.”
“And that disappointed you a little, didn’t it?”
Mrs. Dinsmore did her best not to smile at me. “Just get out of my face, will you?”
“Just admit it.”
“You want a kick in the pants? Get out of here.”
I blew her a kiss and took the back entrance so as to avoid the line of students who signed up for Friday office hours. I have two hours of “unscheduled” office time every Friday from 3:00 to 5:00 P.M. It was open time, nine minutes per student, no schedule, no early sign-up. You just show up—first come, first served. We keep strictly on the clock. You have nine minutes. No more, no less, and then one minute to leave and let the next student settle in and have their turn. If you need more time or if I’m your thesis adviser or what have you, Mrs. Dinsmore will schedule you for a longer appointment.
