What a load of crap, she said, without heat. Youre just scared.
Youre damned right, I said. Scared that some bug-eyed freak is going to come calling and kill innocent people because they happen to be in my havoc radius.
No, she said. That isnt what scares you. She waved a hand. You dont want it to happen, and youll fight it if it does, but that isnt what scares you.
I frowned down at Mister. Im . . . really not comfortable talking about this.
Get over it, Karrin said, even more gently. Harry, when the vampires grabbed Maggie . . . they kind of dismantled your life. They took away all the familiar things. Your office. Your home. Even that ridiculous old clown car.
The Blue Beetle was not a clown car, I said severely. It was a machine of justice.
I wasnt looking at her, but I heard the smile in her voicealong with something that might have been compassion. Youre a creature of habit, Harry. And they took away all the familiar places and things in your life. They hurt you.
Something dark and furious stirred way down inside me for a moment, threatening to come out. I swallowed it back down.
So the idea of a fortress, someplace familiar that cant be taken away from you, really appeals to you right now, Karrin said. Even if it means you cut yourself off from everyone.
It isnt like that, I said.
It wasnt.
Was it?
And Im fine, I added.
You arent fine, Karrin said evenly. Youre a long, long way from fine. And youve got to know that.
Misters fur was soft and very warm beneath my fingers. His paws batted gently at my hands. His teeth were sharp but gentle on my wrist. Id forgotten how nice it was, the furry beasts simple weight and presence against me.
How could I have forgotten that?
(Im only human.)
(For now.)
I shook my head slowly. This is . . . not a good time to get in touch with my feelings.
I know it isnt, she said. But its the first time in months that Ive seen you. What if I dont get another chance? She put the cup of tea down on a coaster on the coffee table and said, Agreed, theres business to do. But youve got to understand that your friends are worried about you. And that is important, too.
My friends, I said. So this is . . . a community project?
Karrin stared at me for a moment. Then she stood up and moved to stand beside the chair. She considered me for a few breaths, then pushed my hair back frommy eyes with one hand, and said, Its me, Harry.
I felt my eyes close. I leaned in to her touch. Her hand felt feverishly warm, a wild contrast to the brush of Mabs cold digits earlier in the day. We stayed like that for a moment, and Misters throaty purr buzzed through the room.
Theres power in the touch of another persons hand. We acknowledge it in little ways, all the time. Theres a reason human beings shake hands, hold hands, slap hands, bump hands.
It comes from our very earliest memories, when we all come into the world blinded by light and color, deafened by riotous sound, flailing in a suddenly cavernous space without any way of orienting ourselves, shuddering with cold, emptied with hunger, and justifiably frightened and confused. And what changes that first horror, that original state of terror?
The touch of another persons hands.
Hands that wrap us in warmth, that hold us close. Hands that guide us to shelter, to comfort, to food. Hands that hold and touch and reassure us through our very first crisis, and guide us into our very first shelter from pain. The first thing we ever learn is that the touch of someone elses hand can ease pain and make things better.
Thats power. Thats power so fundamental that most people never even realize it exists.
I leaned my head against Karrins hand and shivered again. Okay, I said quietly. Okay. This is important, too.
Good, she said. She left her fingers in my hair for another moment, and then withdrew her hand. She picked up my teacup, and hers, and carried them back to the kitchen. So. Where did you go after you left the Hard Rock?
Hmm? I asked.
Her voice drifted in from the kitchen. Given what you told me, you left the meeting with Nicodemus about three hours ago. Where have you been since then?
Um, I said. Yeah, about that.
She came back into the room and arched a golden eyebrow at me.
What if I told you that I needed you to trust me?
She frowned and tilted her head for a moment before the hint of a smile touched her mouth. You went digging for information, didnt you?
Um, I said. Lets just say that until I know more about what Im up against, Im playing things a lot closer to the chest than usual.
She frowned. Tell me you arent doing it for my own protection.
Youd kick my ass, I said. Im doing it for mine.
Thank you, she said. I think.
Dont thank me, I said. Im still keeping you in the dark. But I believe its absolutely necessary.
Youre damned right, I said. Scared that some bug-eyed freak is going to come calling and kill innocent people because they happen to be in my havoc radius.
No, she said. That isnt what scares you. She waved a hand. You dont want it to happen, and youll fight it if it does, but that isnt what scares you.
I frowned down at Mister. Im . . . really not comfortable talking about this.
Get over it, Karrin said, even more gently. Harry, when the vampires grabbed Maggie . . . they kind of dismantled your life. They took away all the familiar things. Your office. Your home. Even that ridiculous old clown car.
The Blue Beetle was not a clown car, I said severely. It was a machine of justice.
I wasnt looking at her, but I heard the smile in her voicealong with something that might have been compassion. Youre a creature of habit, Harry. And they took away all the familiar places and things in your life. They hurt you.
Something dark and furious stirred way down inside me for a moment, threatening to come out. I swallowed it back down.
So the idea of a fortress, someplace familiar that cant be taken away from you, really appeals to you right now, Karrin said. Even if it means you cut yourself off from everyone.
It isnt like that, I said.
It wasnt.
Was it?
And Im fine, I added.
You arent fine, Karrin said evenly. Youre a long, long way from fine. And youve got to know that.
Misters fur was soft and very warm beneath my fingers. His paws batted gently at my hands. His teeth were sharp but gentle on my wrist. Id forgotten how nice it was, the furry beasts simple weight and presence against me.
How could I have forgotten that?
(Im only human.)
(For now.)
I shook my head slowly. This is . . . not a good time to get in touch with my feelings.
I know it isnt, she said. But its the first time in months that Ive seen you. What if I dont get another chance? She put the cup of tea down on a coaster on the coffee table and said, Agreed, theres business to do. But youve got to understand that your friends are worried about you. And that is important, too.
My friends, I said. So this is . . . a community project?
Karrin stared at me for a moment. Then she stood up and moved to stand beside the chair. She considered me for a few breaths, then pushed my hair back frommy eyes with one hand, and said, Its me, Harry.
I felt my eyes close. I leaned in to her touch. Her hand felt feverishly warm, a wild contrast to the brush of Mabs cold digits earlier in the day. We stayed like that for a moment, and Misters throaty purr buzzed through the room.
Theres power in the touch of another persons hand. We acknowledge it in little ways, all the time. Theres a reason human beings shake hands, hold hands, slap hands, bump hands.
It comes from our very earliest memories, when we all come into the world blinded by light and color, deafened by riotous sound, flailing in a suddenly cavernous space without any way of orienting ourselves, shuddering with cold, emptied with hunger, and justifiably frightened and confused. And what changes that first horror, that original state of terror?
The touch of another persons hands.
Hands that wrap us in warmth, that hold us close. Hands that guide us to shelter, to comfort, to food. Hands that hold and touch and reassure us through our very first crisis, and guide us into our very first shelter from pain. The first thing we ever learn is that the touch of someone elses hand can ease pain and make things better.
Thats power. Thats power so fundamental that most people never even realize it exists.
I leaned my head against Karrins hand and shivered again. Okay, I said quietly. Okay. This is important, too.
Good, she said. She left her fingers in my hair for another moment, and then withdrew her hand. She picked up my teacup, and hers, and carried them back to the kitchen. So. Where did you go after you left the Hard Rock?
Hmm? I asked.
Her voice drifted in from the kitchen. Given what you told me, you left the meeting with Nicodemus about three hours ago. Where have you been since then?
Um, I said. Yeah, about that.
She came back into the room and arched a golden eyebrow at me.
What if I told you that I needed you to trust me?
She frowned and tilted her head for a moment before the hint of a smile touched her mouth. You went digging for information, didnt you?
Um, I said. Lets just say that until I know more about what Im up against, Im playing things a lot closer to the chest than usual.
She frowned. Tell me you arent doing it for my own protection.
Youd kick my ass, I said. Im doing it for mine.
Thank you, she said. I think.
Dont thank me, I said. Im still keeping you in the dark. But I believe its absolutely necessary.
