Once we were in the room, Mouse finally let out a few little whines and came over to me, grinning a big doggy grin. I spent a few minutes rubbing his ears and scratching him beneath the chin and telling him what a good dog he was and how much Id missed him and what a good job he was doing. Mouse wriggled all over and gave my hands a few slobbery kisses and in general behaved exactly like a happy dog and not at all like a mystic, super-powered guardian creature from Tibet.
Maggie climbed a little ladder to her bunk, to watch the exchange closely. After a minute, Mouse leaned against me so hard that he nearly bowled me over, and then he happily settled down on the futon mattress beneath the little girls bed.
I have a monster under my bed, and its Mouse, she said proudly. There was another one there but me and Mouse slayerized it.
I lifted an eyebrow. I mean, any other kid, I might have thought she was reporting a recent game of pretend. But on the other hand . . . I mean, she was a Dresden and all. Maybe she was giving me the facts and nothing but the facts.
Hes the most awesome dog ever, I said.
That pleased her immensely. I know! She chewed on her lip thoughtfully, a gesture that reminded me so much of Susan that a tangible pang went through my chest. Um, she said. Would you like to . . . tuck me in?
Sure, I said.
She nodded and flopped down onto her pillow. I stepped up to the bed and took a few seconds to sort out the sheets and the blanket and to get them pulled over her. Once that was done, she said, Would you like to read me a story?
Mouses tail thumped enthusiastically against the wall.
Sure, I said. And we read Where the Wild Things Are.
When I finished, she said, You didnt do the voices right.
Hmmm, I said. Maybe Ill do better next time.
I dont know, she said dubiously. I guess you can try. She looked at my face searchingly for a moment and then said, in a tiny voice, Do you want to be my dad?
I went blind for a few seconds, until I blinked the tears away.
Sure, I said. It came out in a tight croak, but when I said it she smiled at me.
* * *
By the time Id finished the second run-through of Sendaks opus, she was asleep.
I made sure the blankets had her all covered up, and kissed her hair, and then crouched down beside Mouse and put my arms around him.
Thank you, boy, I said. Thank you for taking care of her.
He leaned against me, tail wagging, and snuggled his huge head into my ribs. I petted him some more. I have to go soon. But I need you to keep her safe. The Carpenters, too. Okay?
He chuffed and snuggled a little closer.
Missed you too, boy, I said, rubbing his ears. I just need a little time to figure this out. To figure outwhat comes next.
Had I decided that I was going to be a dad to Maggie now? I examined myself and realized that indeed I had. When did that happen? And why hadnt anyone kept me in the loop?
It had happened, I thought, the moment I had seen her, talked to her.
Oh my God.
That was terrifying.
And . . . exciting?
All things considered, I wasnt sure I could put a lot of trust in my emotions at the moment. But one thing was certain.
If I wanted to keep my word to my daughter, Id have to come back. That meant staying alive tomorrow.
I got up, gave Mouse a final round of petting and scratching, and padded quietly from the room into the upstairs hallway. The lights in the other rooms were outexcept for the one in Michael and Charitys room. A light burned there. The door was slightly open.
And I could see Charity, sitting on the edge of the bed in flannel pajamas, a tall blond woman with an excellent physique, whose hair was threading through with silver in style as she aged. Her tearstained face was miserable, as she spoke, presumably, to her husband, seated on the bed beside her. I couldnt see him from there.
Obviously Michael had intended that talk to take place in private.
I turned away from it and went back down the stairs. I sat down on the bottom steps and tried to clear my head.
A few minutes later, Charity came down the stairs and sat down next to me. I made room.
Wheres Michael? I asked.
Praying over the children, she answered. He always does that before he leaves. In case . . .
Yeah, I said.
You know, Charity said, I had intended to punch you in the nose, twice, the moment I saw you again. Once to make it bleed, once to break it.
Oh?
Mmm-hmm. The first time for trying to kill yourself. The second for using my daughter to do it.
You, uh. You know about that? How?
I watch. I listen. Her reaction to reports of your death was . . . too much. It took time, but I eventually worked out why she was so furious at herself.
You can hit me right now, if you think it would help, I said.
No, she said tiredly. I just wanted to tell you something.
Yeah?
She nodded. Kids need their father to come home safe, Harry. Make sure it happens.
Ill bring him back to you or die trying. I promise.
Charity glanced at me and then shook her head with a weary smile. I wasnt talking about Michael, Harry. I meant you. She glanced back up the stairs, toward Maggies room. That child has lost everyone shes ever loved. Did you notice how close she stays to Mouse? Without him, I wonder if shed be functioning at all. If anything should happen to you . . .
Maggie climbed a little ladder to her bunk, to watch the exchange closely. After a minute, Mouse leaned against me so hard that he nearly bowled me over, and then he happily settled down on the futon mattress beneath the little girls bed.
I have a monster under my bed, and its Mouse, she said proudly. There was another one there but me and Mouse slayerized it.
I lifted an eyebrow. I mean, any other kid, I might have thought she was reporting a recent game of pretend. But on the other hand . . . I mean, she was a Dresden and all. Maybe she was giving me the facts and nothing but the facts.
Hes the most awesome dog ever, I said.
That pleased her immensely. I know! She chewed on her lip thoughtfully, a gesture that reminded me so much of Susan that a tangible pang went through my chest. Um, she said. Would you like to . . . tuck me in?
Sure, I said.
She nodded and flopped down onto her pillow. I stepped up to the bed and took a few seconds to sort out the sheets and the blanket and to get them pulled over her. Once that was done, she said, Would you like to read me a story?
Mouses tail thumped enthusiastically against the wall.
Sure, I said. And we read Where the Wild Things Are.
When I finished, she said, You didnt do the voices right.
Hmmm, I said. Maybe Ill do better next time.
I dont know, she said dubiously. I guess you can try. She looked at my face searchingly for a moment and then said, in a tiny voice, Do you want to be my dad?
I went blind for a few seconds, until I blinked the tears away.
Sure, I said. It came out in a tight croak, but when I said it she smiled at me.
* * *
By the time Id finished the second run-through of Sendaks opus, she was asleep.
I made sure the blankets had her all covered up, and kissed her hair, and then crouched down beside Mouse and put my arms around him.
Thank you, boy, I said. Thank you for taking care of her.
He leaned against me, tail wagging, and snuggled his huge head into my ribs. I petted him some more. I have to go soon. But I need you to keep her safe. The Carpenters, too. Okay?
He chuffed and snuggled a little closer.
Missed you too, boy, I said, rubbing his ears. I just need a little time to figure this out. To figure outwhat comes next.
Had I decided that I was going to be a dad to Maggie now? I examined myself and realized that indeed I had. When did that happen? And why hadnt anyone kept me in the loop?
It had happened, I thought, the moment I had seen her, talked to her.
Oh my God.
That was terrifying.
And . . . exciting?
All things considered, I wasnt sure I could put a lot of trust in my emotions at the moment. But one thing was certain.
If I wanted to keep my word to my daughter, Id have to come back. That meant staying alive tomorrow.
I got up, gave Mouse a final round of petting and scratching, and padded quietly from the room into the upstairs hallway. The lights in the other rooms were outexcept for the one in Michael and Charitys room. A light burned there. The door was slightly open.
And I could see Charity, sitting on the edge of the bed in flannel pajamas, a tall blond woman with an excellent physique, whose hair was threading through with silver in style as she aged. Her tearstained face was miserable, as she spoke, presumably, to her husband, seated on the bed beside her. I couldnt see him from there.
Obviously Michael had intended that talk to take place in private.
I turned away from it and went back down the stairs. I sat down on the bottom steps and tried to clear my head.
A few minutes later, Charity came down the stairs and sat down next to me. I made room.
Wheres Michael? I asked.
Praying over the children, she answered. He always does that before he leaves. In case . . .
Yeah, I said.
You know, Charity said, I had intended to punch you in the nose, twice, the moment I saw you again. Once to make it bleed, once to break it.
Oh?
Mmm-hmm. The first time for trying to kill yourself. The second for using my daughter to do it.
You, uh. You know about that? How?
I watch. I listen. Her reaction to reports of your death was . . . too much. It took time, but I eventually worked out why she was so furious at herself.
You can hit me right now, if you think it would help, I said.
No, she said tiredly. I just wanted to tell you something.
Yeah?
She nodded. Kids need their father to come home safe, Harry. Make sure it happens.
Ill bring him back to you or die trying. I promise.
Charity glanced at me and then shook her head with a weary smile. I wasnt talking about Michael, Harry. I meant you. She glanced back up the stairs, toward Maggies room. That child has lost everyone shes ever loved. Did you notice how close she stays to Mouse? Without him, I wonder if shed be functioning at all. If anything should happen to you . . .
