“I really don’t want to talk about this, but it is starting to take every f**king thing in me to keep my shit together. I do everything I can to keep my mind busy. It’s getting pretty f**king exhausting. I don’t think I can take it anymore.”
I look up at Slade and suck in a deep breath while taking in the pained look in his eyes. They’re wet and I can tell it is taking everything in him to not cry. I can’t even speak. I don’t want to. I’m afraid to hear more. I’m scared to hear what he went through.
It’s silent as he starts pacing. The silence is getting me so nervous that my stomach hurts. Not that the liquor helps any . . . but I feel totally sober now; wide awake and alert.
“I loved her with everything in me,” he finally says. “I would have never left her or my child. Don’t ever think that. It sends a flood of rage through my body. I may be a piece of shit now, but I wasn’t always this way.” He looks up toward the ceiling and rubs his hands over his face, clearly frustrated with himself. “We dated all throughout high school and I had known her since I was ten. She was my best f**king friend and I never had the courage to tell her how I felt. I went years holding it in, afraid that she would reject me and it would ruin our friendship.”
He stops pacing, pulls out a cigarette and lights it before continuing. “She meant more to me than that. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t allow it. Our freshman year I watched her date numerous ass**les that always broke her heart. She always came to me for comfort and I was always there to take care of her. I promised her I always would be and I keep my f**king promises. One night after some ass**le put his hands on her, I kicked the shit out of him and told her I couldn’t take seeing her hurt anymore.”
He takes a long drag of his cigarette and looks out the window as if trying to picture it all in his head. His voice is starting to break and I can tell this is tearing him up inside. I hate this.
“I told her I loved her; that I was in love with her. She was shocked as hell when I told her. I still remember that look on her face before she leaned in and kissed me harder than I had ever been kissed in my whole life. It was as if she were desperate; as desperate as I was. Come to find out, she had been in love with me the whole time and she was afraid of the same thing I was. From that day on she was mine. I took care of her.” He turns to look at me. “And I never f**king hurt her. She was my life. I would have given my life for hers.”
He places his hand over his face and looks down at the ground. I can’t be sure, but I think I see tears falling. He puffs his cigarette and clenches his jaw. “If I could trade places with her I would, dammit. Fuck!”
He crouches down, resting his elbows on his knees with his face buried in his hands. “It should have been me. We were both in that f**king car. Not just her. Both of us, dammit!”
He starts shaking his head back and forth, hitting his head against the dresser behind him, as the tears come out steadily, dripping down his face and arms. “I didn’t want to go anywhere that night. I tried so hard to get her to just stay where we were. It was New Year’s Eve and all though I wasn’t drinking, I knew others were. I told her. I f**king told her I didn’t want to drive her home with all the crazy people that would be out that night, but she was eight months pregnant with our baby girl and she kept complaining she was uncomfortable and needed to go home to sleep. Finally, I caved in.” He looks up toward the ceiling. “I’m so f**king sorry, Helena. I should have said no and put my foot down. You may have been pissed at me, but you and Hailey would be here right now. I would be taking care of you both; protecting you.”
His body starts shaking as he looks back down at the ground and breaks down. He’s crying so hard that I can’t help the moisture building up in the corner of my eyes just from watching him. My heart aches for him. He’s been holding all this pain in. That’s not healthy for anyone. Not to mention the fact that he blames himself. No one should have to bear that pain.
I stand up and walk over to stand in front of him, but he doesn’t look up from the ground. He just takes a quick drag and exhales. “The car killed her on impact; broke her neck. Dammit! All it did was throw me around a little.” He brushes his fingers over the scar on his face. “I still remember holding her until the ambulance came. It felt like forever before they got there. I knew she wasn’t breathing, but I . . . I just kept on yelling at her to hold on; that her and Hailey were going to be okay, but the blood . . . it was everywhere. Her seat was soaked in it, but I never let myself believe that Hailey wouldn’t be born. I refused to give up hope.”
He stops and chokes back a sob before whispering, “My life ended that night, along with theirs.”
Without thinking, I drop down on my knees in front of him and place my hands on his arms, but he jerks away. I grab his arms again and pull them away from his face. He looks up at me through wet lashes while dropping his cigarette and putting it out with his knee. “You can’t blame yourself for that night, Slade. Please, stop blaming yourself. You did everything you could to take care of them.”
His nostrils flare and his jaw muscles flex as tears roll down his blotchy face. His eyes are distant and his whole body is shaking under my touch. His pain is too much to handle. All I want to do is help ease it.
I grab his face and rub my thumb over his scar as a tear slides down my cheek. He still hasn’t said another word. He just looks numb now; dead inside. He’s staring at me as if he’s a bit surprised by my comforting him. “It’s okay for you to talk about it. It’s okay to let it out and ask for help to carry some of the burden. Let me help you.” He starts shaking his head as he closes his eyes, tears still falling. “I know you miss them. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. Okay, dammit? The world should know how much you love them. Don’t let the memory of your family die out because you’re too afraid to talk about it; to remember. You shouldn’t live life that way.”
He clears his throat and looks blankly at the wall across from him. “Every day is a struggle for me to get by. Just the thought of losing them takes the breath right from my f**king lungs. It hurts so f**king bad. I never thought a day would go by that I wouldn’t have Helena by my side. We spent every day together. Even as kids. It’s not easy to just move on with life after losing the biggest part of you; like losing a vital organ. After that day, I just shut down. I gave up. Every day I feel like I’m f**king dying, over and over again. I can’t f**king breathe, Aspen. I can’t.”
I look up at Slade and suck in a deep breath while taking in the pained look in his eyes. They’re wet and I can tell it is taking everything in him to not cry. I can’t even speak. I don’t want to. I’m afraid to hear more. I’m scared to hear what he went through.
It’s silent as he starts pacing. The silence is getting me so nervous that my stomach hurts. Not that the liquor helps any . . . but I feel totally sober now; wide awake and alert.
“I loved her with everything in me,” he finally says. “I would have never left her or my child. Don’t ever think that. It sends a flood of rage through my body. I may be a piece of shit now, but I wasn’t always this way.” He looks up toward the ceiling and rubs his hands over his face, clearly frustrated with himself. “We dated all throughout high school and I had known her since I was ten. She was my best f**king friend and I never had the courage to tell her how I felt. I went years holding it in, afraid that she would reject me and it would ruin our friendship.”
He stops pacing, pulls out a cigarette and lights it before continuing. “She meant more to me than that. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t allow it. Our freshman year I watched her date numerous ass**les that always broke her heart. She always came to me for comfort and I was always there to take care of her. I promised her I always would be and I keep my f**king promises. One night after some ass**le put his hands on her, I kicked the shit out of him and told her I couldn’t take seeing her hurt anymore.”
He takes a long drag of his cigarette and looks out the window as if trying to picture it all in his head. His voice is starting to break and I can tell this is tearing him up inside. I hate this.
“I told her I loved her; that I was in love with her. She was shocked as hell when I told her. I still remember that look on her face before she leaned in and kissed me harder than I had ever been kissed in my whole life. It was as if she were desperate; as desperate as I was. Come to find out, she had been in love with me the whole time and she was afraid of the same thing I was. From that day on she was mine. I took care of her.” He turns to look at me. “And I never f**king hurt her. She was my life. I would have given my life for hers.”
He places his hand over his face and looks down at the ground. I can’t be sure, but I think I see tears falling. He puffs his cigarette and clenches his jaw. “If I could trade places with her I would, dammit. Fuck!”
He crouches down, resting his elbows on his knees with his face buried in his hands. “It should have been me. We were both in that f**king car. Not just her. Both of us, dammit!”
He starts shaking his head back and forth, hitting his head against the dresser behind him, as the tears come out steadily, dripping down his face and arms. “I didn’t want to go anywhere that night. I tried so hard to get her to just stay where we were. It was New Year’s Eve and all though I wasn’t drinking, I knew others were. I told her. I f**king told her I didn’t want to drive her home with all the crazy people that would be out that night, but she was eight months pregnant with our baby girl and she kept complaining she was uncomfortable and needed to go home to sleep. Finally, I caved in.” He looks up toward the ceiling. “I’m so f**king sorry, Helena. I should have said no and put my foot down. You may have been pissed at me, but you and Hailey would be here right now. I would be taking care of you both; protecting you.”
His body starts shaking as he looks back down at the ground and breaks down. He’s crying so hard that I can’t help the moisture building up in the corner of my eyes just from watching him. My heart aches for him. He’s been holding all this pain in. That’s not healthy for anyone. Not to mention the fact that he blames himself. No one should have to bear that pain.
I stand up and walk over to stand in front of him, but he doesn’t look up from the ground. He just takes a quick drag and exhales. “The car killed her on impact; broke her neck. Dammit! All it did was throw me around a little.” He brushes his fingers over the scar on his face. “I still remember holding her until the ambulance came. It felt like forever before they got there. I knew she wasn’t breathing, but I . . . I just kept on yelling at her to hold on; that her and Hailey were going to be okay, but the blood . . . it was everywhere. Her seat was soaked in it, but I never let myself believe that Hailey wouldn’t be born. I refused to give up hope.”
He stops and chokes back a sob before whispering, “My life ended that night, along with theirs.”
Without thinking, I drop down on my knees in front of him and place my hands on his arms, but he jerks away. I grab his arms again and pull them away from his face. He looks up at me through wet lashes while dropping his cigarette and putting it out with his knee. “You can’t blame yourself for that night, Slade. Please, stop blaming yourself. You did everything you could to take care of them.”
His nostrils flare and his jaw muscles flex as tears roll down his blotchy face. His eyes are distant and his whole body is shaking under my touch. His pain is too much to handle. All I want to do is help ease it.
I grab his face and rub my thumb over his scar as a tear slides down my cheek. He still hasn’t said another word. He just looks numb now; dead inside. He’s staring at me as if he’s a bit surprised by my comforting him. “It’s okay for you to talk about it. It’s okay to let it out and ask for help to carry some of the burden. Let me help you.” He starts shaking his head as he closes his eyes, tears still falling. “I know you miss them. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. Okay, dammit? The world should know how much you love them. Don’t let the memory of your family die out because you’re too afraid to talk about it; to remember. You shouldn’t live life that way.”
He clears his throat and looks blankly at the wall across from him. “Every day is a struggle for me to get by. Just the thought of losing them takes the breath right from my f**king lungs. It hurts so f**king bad. I never thought a day would go by that I wouldn’t have Helena by my side. We spent every day together. Even as kids. It’s not easy to just move on with life after losing the biggest part of you; like losing a vital organ. After that day, I just shut down. I gave up. Every day I feel like I’m f**king dying, over and over again. I can’t f**king breathe, Aspen. I can’t.”
