He backs away while laughing as if he still can’t get over the idea that I may have plans. It makes me want to scream. I hate when he makes me feel this way. Once he gets to the door, he turns around and heads outside without another word. Good thing for him. I don’t even know what to say or think right now.
I look down at the ground and take a few deep breaths, in an attempt to calm my racing nerves. I can’t even look up right now. I know how bad this must look to Slade and I’m not sure he’ll even give me the chance to explain. It’s why I got so nervous earlier when he was spilling his guts out to me. I just don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t have pushed for him to open up to me. It’s a bit hypocritical when I can’t even return the favor. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.
I stand here, not making an attempt to move until I see Slade’s shoes come into view. I hold my breath waiting for what’s to come next as I look up at him.
His expression is hard and cold; eyes so intense that it steals my breath away. “Outside. Now.” His voice seethes anger and could cuts like a knife.
I watch as he walks away and yanks the door open before stepping outside. I feel as if I can’t move. Why do I feel so f**king guilty? Slade is the one that pushed me to this point and he just wanted me for sex; nothing more. He used me. I play tug of war with the confusion in my mind, but . . . then why? Why do I feel like total shit right now?
I gather myself and start heading for the door. Cale tries stopping me, but I hold my arm out to show him that I’m doing this. I need a chance to explain myself. I can’t stand the thought of leaving with Slade hating me. It’s just too much and would eat at me forever.
When I step outside, I look around but don’t see Slade anywhere. I catch a movement in my peripheral vision and he steps around from the back of the building with a cigarette in his mouth. He’s pacing back and forth, not even bothering to look up at me. I can see him shaking as he pulls the cigarette from his mouth and blows the smoke through his lips quickly. He’s really worked up over this and it somewhat surprises me.
He stares off into the distance for a few minutes, before finally walking toward his truck and nods for me to follow.
I take small steps while going over a speech, trying to think of the best way to explain Jay. It’s not an easy thing for me to talk about. Once I get next to his truck, he backs me up against it and places his hands on either sides of me so his hands are pressed against his truck door.
He leans in close to my face; so close I can feel the warmth of his breath kissing my lips. “You have a f**king boyfriend?” His jaw steels as he looks me in the eyes. They hold nothing but pure rage. “This whole f**king time you’ve had a boyfriend and you couldn’t have f**king said something.” He slams his hands against the truck before punching it. “I opened up to you. I let you in and told you things I haven’t talked about in years. I don’t like cheaters. It’s one thing that I hate. I know what I do isn’t much better, but at least I’m always honest first. Fuck, Aspen!”
I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. I feel like bursting out in tears right now, but I won’t let it happen. I won’t. “It’s not exactly what you think, Slade. You know nothing about what I’ve been through over the years with that man. You have no right to accuse me of being a shitty person without even listening to what I have to say.”
“What? What do you have to say? That you just needed to get away for a bit and clear your f**king head and then I came along and you decided to just let me f**k you knowing that your boyfriend would never find out. Did you think you could just go back to living your happy f**king life with him? Is that it?”
I feel the anger building up inside as he looks at me accusingly. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. I will not be judged without him even having proper cause.
I push his chest to try to give us some distance, but he doesn’t move. “Fuck you, Slade. Fuck you!” I push him again, but decide to give up. He isn’t budging. “It was him that didn’t want me. You want to know why I’m here. I’ll tell you why. It’s because he decided he needed to f**k other women for a while. He needed a little space before he could give me his full attention. He expected me to be the good little girlfriend while he was back home f**king who knows what. I was supposed to be here just clearing my head and trying to deal with what I had to do to keep him mine. Then, you f**king came along and I caved into you. I broke my own rules for you. I said I wasn’t going to stoop to his level because I loved him too much, but you just had to come along and make me want you; Mr. Irresistible.”
I give him another shove and this time he lets me push him away enough for me to escape him. I can’t look him in the eye right now. I feel too low; the only thing that makes me this way. “We’ve been together for five years. I was afraid of losing him. I was prepared to do anything I could to prove to him that my love for him was strong enough to handle anything. It killed me to know that I wasn’t enough for him; that he needed other women to satisfy him.”
Clenching his jaw, he punches the truck and leans against it. “So you were just going to let him go around f**king everyone and then come back to you like nothing ever happened?”
“Yeah, well. If you must know, I knew how he was to begin with and I let myself fall for him anyways. He was the kind of guy always out to find the next best f**k; staying out late at night and not coming home sometimes. All the lies. The f**king lies.” I stop to wipe a tear off as it falls down my cheek.
I hate letting people see me breakdown. I hate showing what Jay does to me. “All I wanted was for a chance to make that change. I thought if I did this . . . that . . . that he would finally just be mine; that he would love me with everything in him just as I have loved him all along. I thought that I could be enough for once.”
It’s silent for a few seconds before once again, I am pushed up against his truck with his body blocking me in. He wraps his hands in the back of my hair and pulls my face close to his so our lips are almost touching. “If he doesn’t see that you’re enough, then he isn’t f**king worth it. He’s f**king blind. You deserve better.” He pauses and his eyes lock with mine. “Tell me you’re not going back with him.”
“Yes,” I whisper. “I have to.”
I look down at the ground and take a few deep breaths, in an attempt to calm my racing nerves. I can’t even look up right now. I know how bad this must look to Slade and I’m not sure he’ll even give me the chance to explain. It’s why I got so nervous earlier when he was spilling his guts out to me. I just don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t have pushed for him to open up to me. It’s a bit hypocritical when I can’t even return the favor. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.
I stand here, not making an attempt to move until I see Slade’s shoes come into view. I hold my breath waiting for what’s to come next as I look up at him.
His expression is hard and cold; eyes so intense that it steals my breath away. “Outside. Now.” His voice seethes anger and could cuts like a knife.
I watch as he walks away and yanks the door open before stepping outside. I feel as if I can’t move. Why do I feel so f**king guilty? Slade is the one that pushed me to this point and he just wanted me for sex; nothing more. He used me. I play tug of war with the confusion in my mind, but . . . then why? Why do I feel like total shit right now?
I gather myself and start heading for the door. Cale tries stopping me, but I hold my arm out to show him that I’m doing this. I need a chance to explain myself. I can’t stand the thought of leaving with Slade hating me. It’s just too much and would eat at me forever.
When I step outside, I look around but don’t see Slade anywhere. I catch a movement in my peripheral vision and he steps around from the back of the building with a cigarette in his mouth. He’s pacing back and forth, not even bothering to look up at me. I can see him shaking as he pulls the cigarette from his mouth and blows the smoke through his lips quickly. He’s really worked up over this and it somewhat surprises me.
He stares off into the distance for a few minutes, before finally walking toward his truck and nods for me to follow.
I take small steps while going over a speech, trying to think of the best way to explain Jay. It’s not an easy thing for me to talk about. Once I get next to his truck, he backs me up against it and places his hands on either sides of me so his hands are pressed against his truck door.
He leans in close to my face; so close I can feel the warmth of his breath kissing my lips. “You have a f**king boyfriend?” His jaw steels as he looks me in the eyes. They hold nothing but pure rage. “This whole f**king time you’ve had a boyfriend and you couldn’t have f**king said something.” He slams his hands against the truck before punching it. “I opened up to you. I let you in and told you things I haven’t talked about in years. I don’t like cheaters. It’s one thing that I hate. I know what I do isn’t much better, but at least I’m always honest first. Fuck, Aspen!”
I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. I feel like bursting out in tears right now, but I won’t let it happen. I won’t. “It’s not exactly what you think, Slade. You know nothing about what I’ve been through over the years with that man. You have no right to accuse me of being a shitty person without even listening to what I have to say.”
“What? What do you have to say? That you just needed to get away for a bit and clear your f**king head and then I came along and you decided to just let me f**k you knowing that your boyfriend would never find out. Did you think you could just go back to living your happy f**king life with him? Is that it?”
I feel the anger building up inside as he looks at me accusingly. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. I will not be judged without him even having proper cause.
I push his chest to try to give us some distance, but he doesn’t move. “Fuck you, Slade. Fuck you!” I push him again, but decide to give up. He isn’t budging. “It was him that didn’t want me. You want to know why I’m here. I’ll tell you why. It’s because he decided he needed to f**k other women for a while. He needed a little space before he could give me his full attention. He expected me to be the good little girlfriend while he was back home f**king who knows what. I was supposed to be here just clearing my head and trying to deal with what I had to do to keep him mine. Then, you f**king came along and I caved into you. I broke my own rules for you. I said I wasn’t going to stoop to his level because I loved him too much, but you just had to come along and make me want you; Mr. Irresistible.”
I give him another shove and this time he lets me push him away enough for me to escape him. I can’t look him in the eye right now. I feel too low; the only thing that makes me this way. “We’ve been together for five years. I was afraid of losing him. I was prepared to do anything I could to prove to him that my love for him was strong enough to handle anything. It killed me to know that I wasn’t enough for him; that he needed other women to satisfy him.”
Clenching his jaw, he punches the truck and leans against it. “So you were just going to let him go around f**king everyone and then come back to you like nothing ever happened?”
“Yeah, well. If you must know, I knew how he was to begin with and I let myself fall for him anyways. He was the kind of guy always out to find the next best f**k; staying out late at night and not coming home sometimes. All the lies. The f**king lies.” I stop to wipe a tear off as it falls down my cheek.
I hate letting people see me breakdown. I hate showing what Jay does to me. “All I wanted was for a chance to make that change. I thought if I did this . . . that . . . that he would finally just be mine; that he would love me with everything in him just as I have loved him all along. I thought that I could be enough for once.”
It’s silent for a few seconds before once again, I am pushed up against his truck with his body blocking me in. He wraps his hands in the back of my hair and pulls my face close to his so our lips are almost touching. “If he doesn’t see that you’re enough, then he isn’t f**king worth it. He’s f**king blind. You deserve better.” He pauses and his eyes lock with mine. “Tell me you’re not going back with him.”
“Yes,” I whisper. “I have to.”
