“She went to her mom’s.”
“Oh.”
More silence.
“She’s not you, Aria, but she’s something, and I don’t want to hurt her.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
He looks to me and reaches out, cupping my chin. “No, but every time you’re in the same room as me, I’m thinking about how hard it is. If I’m with you . . . I’m risking hurting her.”
“You want me to stay away.”
It’s not a question. It’s a fact.
He drops his hand and his head. “I don’t know what I want.”
I can’t help it. Tears spring from my eyes and I stand. This isn’t fair, and I can’t cope with it. He has every right to ask me to stay away, and I’m not angry at him for it, I’m just angry that after all this time I can’t look at him and not want to be in his arms.
“I should go.”
“Aria,” he says, reaching out and catching my wrist. “Fuck, if only you knew how hard this was.”
I turn to him. “You’re right. We both have relationships, and being around each other isn’t helping. I’ll stay out of your way, Blade.”
He looks pained. “Darlin’ . . .”
“Good night, and thanks for this evening.”
I twist my wrist and he lets it go, then I rush towards the door before he can say anything else. I hurry down the hall and the moment I get back into bed with Mel, I curl into her and she holds onto me as I cry myself to sleep.
I vow it. Tomorrow when I wake up, I won’t shed another tear for Blade.
Not another tear.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I blink my eyes open and it takes me a moment to realize where I am. Brody’s room, tucked in beside Melanie. I roll and see she’s still sleeping, so I slip from the bed. With a yawn, I stretch and realize my sleep wasn’t so bad after all. That probably had something to do with crying myself into exhaustion before I closed my eyes.
I make sure my clothes are straight, then I tie my hair up and walk out into the kitchen. Brody and Blade are awake, both sitting at the table drinking coffee. Blade’s eyes meet mine and I know, I just know what I have to do. For myself, for him, for Mom and for this family we’re now in. I have to stop pushing. I have to let this end and I have to let him move on.
It’ll tear my heart out, but it’s the only way.
So I do the only thing I can.
“Blade, can we have a word?”
He studies me, and I’ll be damned if there isn’t pain in the gorgeous depths of his eyes. Brody gives me a curious expression but I ignore him and walk outside. It’s a cool, crisp morning and fresh air washes over my face. I inhale, gathering my emotions. I can’t break down; I have to do this and I have to move on. When the door creaks, I turn and see Blade standing just outside.
“Aria, look . . .”
“Don’t, please,” I say gently. “Just let me talk, Blade.”
He nods and closes his mouth. I step up to him, studying his beautiful face. He’s devastating, and it won’t matter how many times I look at him, that’ll never change. I just have to learn how to deal with it.
“I’m sorry,” I begin. “I’m sorry for making this harder than it needs to be. You’re right, and as difficult as it is, I know that we need to do what’s best here. You have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, no matter how long that might last. But it’s not just that, and it never has been. It’s our family; it’s everything that could be broken by what we’ve done.”
I step closer, fighting down my emotions. I reach up and I cup his cheeks in my hands. “You were the first person I loved and I don’t regret that, do you hear me? But I can’t do this to Mom, and I can’t do it to myself, or you. I’ll never forget what we shared, and I’m not even sure the pain will leave, but I will fight through it for this family that has been created around us, because I don’t want to lose them. So this is me taking a step back. I’ll stay out of your way, but if we’re in the same place I won’t give you trouble.”
I lean up and I press a soft, quick kiss to his lips. “Thank you for changing something in me. I really hope you find happiness, because you deserve it.”
Then I drop my hands and brush past him, entering the house. A weight has been lifted off my chest, only be replaced with a brand new one. Grief. Agony. Loss. I swallow it down and smile at Brody who is studying me, still.
“Thanks for letting me stay last night. I’m going to go. I have to study.”
He nods, giving me a curious look. When Blade walks in and disappears down the hall, he looks his way then back to me. “You’re not fooling anyone, you know?”
I force a smile. “No, but it’s no one’s business, and it’s finished. For everyone’s sake, stay out of it, Brody.”
He nods, smart enough to know where his place is.
“I’m going to go. Do you want me to wake Mel?”
He shakes his head. “Leave her.”
I fight a smile.
He notices, and mutters, “Don’t even.”
I put my hands up. “I wasn’t.”
His lips twitch and I walk over, throwing my arms around his neck. “But I would be kind of happy if you maybe just accidentally slipped into that bed with her.”
He scoffs and pinches my sides. I laugh and let him go. “Later, Brody.”
“Oh.”
More silence.
“She’s not you, Aria, but she’s something, and I don’t want to hurt her.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
He looks to me and reaches out, cupping my chin. “No, but every time you’re in the same room as me, I’m thinking about how hard it is. If I’m with you . . . I’m risking hurting her.”
“You want me to stay away.”
It’s not a question. It’s a fact.
He drops his hand and his head. “I don’t know what I want.”
I can’t help it. Tears spring from my eyes and I stand. This isn’t fair, and I can’t cope with it. He has every right to ask me to stay away, and I’m not angry at him for it, I’m just angry that after all this time I can’t look at him and not want to be in his arms.
“I should go.”
“Aria,” he says, reaching out and catching my wrist. “Fuck, if only you knew how hard this was.”
I turn to him. “You’re right. We both have relationships, and being around each other isn’t helping. I’ll stay out of your way, Blade.”
He looks pained. “Darlin’ . . .”
“Good night, and thanks for this evening.”
I twist my wrist and he lets it go, then I rush towards the door before he can say anything else. I hurry down the hall and the moment I get back into bed with Mel, I curl into her and she holds onto me as I cry myself to sleep.
I vow it. Tomorrow when I wake up, I won’t shed another tear for Blade.
Not another tear.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I blink my eyes open and it takes me a moment to realize where I am. Brody’s room, tucked in beside Melanie. I roll and see she’s still sleeping, so I slip from the bed. With a yawn, I stretch and realize my sleep wasn’t so bad after all. That probably had something to do with crying myself into exhaustion before I closed my eyes.
I make sure my clothes are straight, then I tie my hair up and walk out into the kitchen. Brody and Blade are awake, both sitting at the table drinking coffee. Blade’s eyes meet mine and I know, I just know what I have to do. For myself, for him, for Mom and for this family we’re now in. I have to stop pushing. I have to let this end and I have to let him move on.
It’ll tear my heart out, but it’s the only way.
So I do the only thing I can.
“Blade, can we have a word?”
He studies me, and I’ll be damned if there isn’t pain in the gorgeous depths of his eyes. Brody gives me a curious expression but I ignore him and walk outside. It’s a cool, crisp morning and fresh air washes over my face. I inhale, gathering my emotions. I can’t break down; I have to do this and I have to move on. When the door creaks, I turn and see Blade standing just outside.
“Aria, look . . .”
“Don’t, please,” I say gently. “Just let me talk, Blade.”
He nods and closes his mouth. I step up to him, studying his beautiful face. He’s devastating, and it won’t matter how many times I look at him, that’ll never change. I just have to learn how to deal with it.
“I’m sorry,” I begin. “I’m sorry for making this harder than it needs to be. You’re right, and as difficult as it is, I know that we need to do what’s best here. You have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, no matter how long that might last. But it’s not just that, and it never has been. It’s our family; it’s everything that could be broken by what we’ve done.”
I step closer, fighting down my emotions. I reach up and I cup his cheeks in my hands. “You were the first person I loved and I don’t regret that, do you hear me? But I can’t do this to Mom, and I can’t do it to myself, or you. I’ll never forget what we shared, and I’m not even sure the pain will leave, but I will fight through it for this family that has been created around us, because I don’t want to lose them. So this is me taking a step back. I’ll stay out of your way, but if we’re in the same place I won’t give you trouble.”
I lean up and I press a soft, quick kiss to his lips. “Thank you for changing something in me. I really hope you find happiness, because you deserve it.”
Then I drop my hands and brush past him, entering the house. A weight has been lifted off my chest, only be replaced with a brand new one. Grief. Agony. Loss. I swallow it down and smile at Brody who is studying me, still.
“Thanks for letting me stay last night. I’m going to go. I have to study.”
He nods, giving me a curious look. When Blade walks in and disappears down the hall, he looks his way then back to me. “You’re not fooling anyone, you know?”
I force a smile. “No, but it’s no one’s business, and it’s finished. For everyone’s sake, stay out of it, Brody.”
He nods, smart enough to know where his place is.
“I’m going to go. Do you want me to wake Mel?”
He shakes his head. “Leave her.”
I fight a smile.
He notices, and mutters, “Don’t even.”
I put my hands up. “I wasn’t.”
His lips twitch and I walk over, throwing my arms around his neck. “But I would be kind of happy if you maybe just accidentally slipped into that bed with her.”
He scoffs and pinches my sides. I laugh and let him go. “Later, Brody.”
