She held up her hands. “Okay, okay. So, what’s your plan? Do you want to move in here with us until you sort yourself out? I know your father would love to have you here.”
“He’s got a funny way of showing it. He bit my head off yesterday.”
“He is very stressed at the moment with what is happening with Nix. Honey, he has been worried about you and yeah, pissed off with you. He just wanted you home where he knew you were safe and all you did was fight it. He and Scott have been constantly arguing about you and I’ve got to say, it’s been pretty hard living with him the last little while. So, I am really happy you are home.”
“What do you mean they have been arguing about me?” I asked, having no clue what she could possibly mean.
“Your father would have just come and dragged you home, nothing would have stopped him. But Scott stood up to him and argued that it had to be your decision. He understands how hard it has been for you, and he was so proud of you for quitting drinking; he just didn’t want you to go backwards.”
Well, fuck me. Scott was actually on my side. News to me. “Men! I can’t fucking work them out,” I said, totally exasperated with it all.
“Join the club, but I’ll tell you one thing, and you make sure you listen closely. Scott and your father love you and will do anything for you. This vendetta against Nix started after he beat you, and it has only gotten worse since then. It has put a lot of pressure on Storm and they have copped that. For you. So, you need to cut them some slack and start working with them rather than against them.”
“The problem is that they never give me the full story. You know what they are like...”
She cut me off, “Yes, I know exactly what they are like, Madison, but the difference between you and me is that I trust them. I know in my gut that everything they are doing is for us and for the club. I don’t need to know the details but you seem hell bent on having to know every little thing. And you haven’t ever given them your complete trust. Dare I say it, but I think that’s where a lot of your problems with J come from too; you didn’t trust him.”
“How can I trust any of them when they don’t trust me enough to tell me stuff?” I argued.
My mother sighed; that sigh I had grown up with that told me she was getting frustrated with me. “Honey, it’s their way. The club way. It’s what their fathers did and their fathers before them probably; it’s all they’ve ever known and it is drilled into them when they join. What happens in the club stays in the club. And if you can’t live with that you should never date another member again.”
My natural reaction to all of this would normally be to continue arguing but I decided that perhaps it was time to start listening to my mother. She had been living this life for a long time and knew what she was on about. I had been fighting these ways for so long and it had gotten me nowhere. So, I took a deep breath and asked her a question. “How do you live with the shit that goes on? How do you deal, knowing what Dad is capable of?”
She didn’t skip a beat, “We’re all capable of bad stuff, Maddy, but the shit they do is done for a reason. We’ve got a lifestyle that needs protecting, and your Dad and the boys aren’t afraid to protect it and us. I deal with that by choosing to love your father unconditionally and I make no apologies for it. When you really love a person you trust them, and believe in them and everything they do.” She cocked her head and gave me a quizzical look, “Are you thinking of getting back with J? Is that what all this is about?”
“I don’t know what is happening with J. What I do know is that I need to find a way to be okay with what they do.” And yeah, I also needed to decide if I wanted to be with J again but I was keeping that to myself for now.
“Nothing’s fucking happening with J.” We both jumped as the snarl of Nix’s voice swept through the room.
I screamed just as one of his guys grabbed me from behind and covered my mouth with his hand. Fear sliced through me, and the stench of sweat and tobacco overwhelmed me. Nausea hit and then the blackness took over.
*****
When I came to, I was tied to a chair and Nix was standing in front of me. He was leaning down into my face; his hot, acrid breath filling my senses. His eyes were crazy; fuck, he was crazy. Mad. Demented.
Panic gripped my gut, because I knew in that instant that I was as good as dead.
He ran a calloused finger down my cheek. “Madison, you came back to me.”
Oh, God. He really was whacked in the head if he thought that. I didn’t say anything, just maintained eye contact with him.
He stood up straight, and my eyes followed him. He looked to his right, and I realised that my mother was also here, tied to a chair. She had tape covering her mouth and blood coming from her head. I had been lucky to avoid all that. Her eyes were closed and she was slumped in her chair.
Nix nodded at a guy who was near my Mum. A silent command flowed between them, and the guy hurried off. My foggy brain slowed my thinking and I gave up wondering what that was all about.
Nix turned his attention back to me. “I’ve missed you, Madison. Bec kept me company for awhile, but she could never replace you or what we had. That bitch tried to fuck me over,” he was rambling, and then he laughed shrilly. “She got what she fucking deserved in the end.” His eyes glinted; he was terrifying me, just from his body language.
“He’s got a funny way of showing it. He bit my head off yesterday.”
“He is very stressed at the moment with what is happening with Nix. Honey, he has been worried about you and yeah, pissed off with you. He just wanted you home where he knew you were safe and all you did was fight it. He and Scott have been constantly arguing about you and I’ve got to say, it’s been pretty hard living with him the last little while. So, I am really happy you are home.”
“What do you mean they have been arguing about me?” I asked, having no clue what she could possibly mean.
“Your father would have just come and dragged you home, nothing would have stopped him. But Scott stood up to him and argued that it had to be your decision. He understands how hard it has been for you, and he was so proud of you for quitting drinking; he just didn’t want you to go backwards.”
Well, fuck me. Scott was actually on my side. News to me. “Men! I can’t fucking work them out,” I said, totally exasperated with it all.
“Join the club, but I’ll tell you one thing, and you make sure you listen closely. Scott and your father love you and will do anything for you. This vendetta against Nix started after he beat you, and it has only gotten worse since then. It has put a lot of pressure on Storm and they have copped that. For you. So, you need to cut them some slack and start working with them rather than against them.”
“The problem is that they never give me the full story. You know what they are like...”
She cut me off, “Yes, I know exactly what they are like, Madison, but the difference between you and me is that I trust them. I know in my gut that everything they are doing is for us and for the club. I don’t need to know the details but you seem hell bent on having to know every little thing. And you haven’t ever given them your complete trust. Dare I say it, but I think that’s where a lot of your problems with J come from too; you didn’t trust him.”
“How can I trust any of them when they don’t trust me enough to tell me stuff?” I argued.
My mother sighed; that sigh I had grown up with that told me she was getting frustrated with me. “Honey, it’s their way. The club way. It’s what their fathers did and their fathers before them probably; it’s all they’ve ever known and it is drilled into them when they join. What happens in the club stays in the club. And if you can’t live with that you should never date another member again.”
My natural reaction to all of this would normally be to continue arguing but I decided that perhaps it was time to start listening to my mother. She had been living this life for a long time and knew what she was on about. I had been fighting these ways for so long and it had gotten me nowhere. So, I took a deep breath and asked her a question. “How do you live with the shit that goes on? How do you deal, knowing what Dad is capable of?”
She didn’t skip a beat, “We’re all capable of bad stuff, Maddy, but the shit they do is done for a reason. We’ve got a lifestyle that needs protecting, and your Dad and the boys aren’t afraid to protect it and us. I deal with that by choosing to love your father unconditionally and I make no apologies for it. When you really love a person you trust them, and believe in them and everything they do.” She cocked her head and gave me a quizzical look, “Are you thinking of getting back with J? Is that what all this is about?”
“I don’t know what is happening with J. What I do know is that I need to find a way to be okay with what they do.” And yeah, I also needed to decide if I wanted to be with J again but I was keeping that to myself for now.
“Nothing’s fucking happening with J.” We both jumped as the snarl of Nix’s voice swept through the room.
I screamed just as one of his guys grabbed me from behind and covered my mouth with his hand. Fear sliced through me, and the stench of sweat and tobacco overwhelmed me. Nausea hit and then the blackness took over.
*****
When I came to, I was tied to a chair and Nix was standing in front of me. He was leaning down into my face; his hot, acrid breath filling my senses. His eyes were crazy; fuck, he was crazy. Mad. Demented.
Panic gripped my gut, because I knew in that instant that I was as good as dead.
He ran a calloused finger down my cheek. “Madison, you came back to me.”
Oh, God. He really was whacked in the head if he thought that. I didn’t say anything, just maintained eye contact with him.
He stood up straight, and my eyes followed him. He looked to his right, and I realised that my mother was also here, tied to a chair. She had tape covering her mouth and blood coming from her head. I had been lucky to avoid all that. Her eyes were closed and she was slumped in her chair.
Nix nodded at a guy who was near my Mum. A silent command flowed between them, and the guy hurried off. My foggy brain slowed my thinking and I gave up wondering what that was all about.
Nix turned his attention back to me. “I’ve missed you, Madison. Bec kept me company for awhile, but she could never replace you or what we had. That bitch tried to fuck me over,” he was rambling, and then he laughed shrilly. “She got what she fucking deserved in the end.” His eyes glinted; he was terrifying me, just from his body language.
