Suddenly One Summer
Page 67
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Dr. Metzel slid his chair closer to hers and leaned forward earnestly, resting his arms on his knees. “I know you see me as the enemy here, Victoria. But believe it or not, I really do want to help you. And I think I can help you. If you’ll let me.”
She shook her head, knowing that opening this door would mean saying things out loud that she didn’t even want to acknowledge to herself. “I can’t have these kinds of feelings for Ford.”
“Why not?” Dr. Metzel pressed.
She met his gaze. “Because I can’t need anyone that way.” She saw him waiting for her to continue. Fine. She’d go there, just this once. “You asked how I felt that day when I came home and found my mother unconscious. At first, while I was waiting for the ambulance, there was mostly shock and fear and a lot of promises that if she pulled through, I’d be strong enough for the both of us from that point forward.”
You’re going to be fine, Mom. I’ll take care of you. Just please, please don’t leave me, okay?
Victoria cleared her throat, needing a moment to fight back the prickling sensation in her eyes.
“But when we got to the hospital, after I watched as they wheeled her off on a gurney, there wasn’t anything I could do except wait. And sitting there, all I kept thinking was that she’d wanted to leave me. My own mother. And that realization was so much worse than anything I’d felt when my father had left, because she didn’t bother to say good-bye. Didn’t even leave me a note.”
She met Dr. Metzel’s eyes. “You asked before if I was angry with her. I wasn’t angry—I felt betrayed. I was ten years old at the time, and she was all I had left. What the hell did she think would happen to me if she’d died? Did she even think about that?”
“Did you ask her that?”
“Sure, because that’s all she needed: more guilt. I couldn’t ask her; I was terrified that if I made a wrong move she’d relapse. So instead, I did what I promised I’d do if she pulled through: I sucked it up and stayed strong, for the both of us.” She set her hands in her lap. “I realize now, as an adult, that my mother’s suicide attempt had nothing to do with me—it was a product of her depression. And I also think that she deliberately chose to take those pills before I came home because, deep down, she wanted to be found. She wanted help.” Victoria’s voice turned quieter. “But I remember how it felt sitting in that hospital waiting room, all by myself. I remember the pain of being abandoned by someone I loved more than anything. Someone I thought would never leave me.
“Every day, I see the hurt on people’s faces as their relationships fall apart. So I ask them what they need to be able to move on, and then I fight as hard as I can to get them those things. But what I never tell my clients is that I know what they’re going through. I know the rejection and the hurt and the fear that grips you by the throat when you realize that you’re going to have to get by on your own, but have no fucking clue how to do that.” She looked Dr. Metzel in the eyes. “So here’s my question for you, Doctor: knowing that kind of pain, and having lived through it once, why on earth would I ever allow someone to be able to hurt me that way again?”
He seemed ready for the question. “Because not everyone leaves.”
“Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot of people who decide they want out of something that was supposed to last forever.”
He continued on, speaking more passionately than she’d ever heard him. “Because you decide that the good moments are worth it, no matter what might happen down the road. Because you find someone who’s worth facing your deepest fears for, someone you’re willing to take a chance on.”
Victoria looked away, shaking her head. “You make it sound so simple.” After a long moment, she continued. “You do realize this is all a moot point, right? Even if I was willing to take a chance—and I’m not saying I am—none of this changes the fact that Ford has his own issues with commitment.”
“It’s true that telling Ford how you feel means taking a risk.” Dr. Metzel smiled. “But believe it or not, Victoria, you’re not the first person to be afraid to put yourself out there when it comes to relationships.”
That got a small smile out of her. “And here I wanted to be such a trailblazer for the fear-of-intimacy-and-abandonment crowd.” She paused, feeling the need to set the record straight about one other thing. “And I don’t think you’re the enemy. Just . . . a big pain in the ass.”
Dr. Metzel laughed, giving her a nod in acknowledgment. “I’ll take it.”
* * *
THE FOLLOWING MONDAY, after a morning court call, Victoria returned to the office to find that Peter Sutter had left a message for her.
“He wanted to know when the results of the paternity test would be in,” Will said. “He sounded really anxious.”
She rolled her eyes. Oh, sure, now Sutter was eager to get answers, after keeping them all on pins and needles last week. Fortunately, to keep the ball rolling, she’d called the lab after Sutter’s visit last Friday and had asked if there was any way they could expedite the results.
“Sure, we can fax them over in one business day for an additional fee,” the case manager at the lab had informed her.
Figuring the money came out of her own pocket anyway, she’d given them the go-ahead.
“I have to jump on another call,” Victoria told Will. “Can you call Sutter back and let him know that the lab said they’d get me the results by noon?”
Will nodded. “Will do.”
An hour later, he walked into her office while she was on yet another call, and put a note on her desk.
Peter Sutter is here.
Surprised, she mouthed, Here? as her opposing counsel continued talking on the other end of the line. When Will nodded, she wrapped up her call as fast as possible and then headed out to his desk.
“He’s in the waiting area,” Will said. “And apparently, he’s not alone.”
Victoria cocked her head. “He brought a lawyer?” Perhaps Sutter was preparing for a fight, after all.
Bring it on.
“The receptionist only said that he was with a guest,” Will said. “Do you want me to check it out?”
“No, I’ll go out there myself.” She headed down the hallway to the waiting area, wondering if she was going to find one of the usual suspects in the Chicago family law scene sitting next to Sutter. And when she rounded the corner, she did, indeed, see a familiar face.
She shook her head, knowing that opening this door would mean saying things out loud that she didn’t even want to acknowledge to herself. “I can’t have these kinds of feelings for Ford.”
“Why not?” Dr. Metzel pressed.
She met his gaze. “Because I can’t need anyone that way.” She saw him waiting for her to continue. Fine. She’d go there, just this once. “You asked how I felt that day when I came home and found my mother unconscious. At first, while I was waiting for the ambulance, there was mostly shock and fear and a lot of promises that if she pulled through, I’d be strong enough for the both of us from that point forward.”
You’re going to be fine, Mom. I’ll take care of you. Just please, please don’t leave me, okay?
Victoria cleared her throat, needing a moment to fight back the prickling sensation in her eyes.
“But when we got to the hospital, after I watched as they wheeled her off on a gurney, there wasn’t anything I could do except wait. And sitting there, all I kept thinking was that she’d wanted to leave me. My own mother. And that realization was so much worse than anything I’d felt when my father had left, because she didn’t bother to say good-bye. Didn’t even leave me a note.”
She met Dr. Metzel’s eyes. “You asked before if I was angry with her. I wasn’t angry—I felt betrayed. I was ten years old at the time, and she was all I had left. What the hell did she think would happen to me if she’d died? Did she even think about that?”
“Did you ask her that?”
“Sure, because that’s all she needed: more guilt. I couldn’t ask her; I was terrified that if I made a wrong move she’d relapse. So instead, I did what I promised I’d do if she pulled through: I sucked it up and stayed strong, for the both of us.” She set her hands in her lap. “I realize now, as an adult, that my mother’s suicide attempt had nothing to do with me—it was a product of her depression. And I also think that she deliberately chose to take those pills before I came home because, deep down, she wanted to be found. She wanted help.” Victoria’s voice turned quieter. “But I remember how it felt sitting in that hospital waiting room, all by myself. I remember the pain of being abandoned by someone I loved more than anything. Someone I thought would never leave me.
“Every day, I see the hurt on people’s faces as their relationships fall apart. So I ask them what they need to be able to move on, and then I fight as hard as I can to get them those things. But what I never tell my clients is that I know what they’re going through. I know the rejection and the hurt and the fear that grips you by the throat when you realize that you’re going to have to get by on your own, but have no fucking clue how to do that.” She looked Dr. Metzel in the eyes. “So here’s my question for you, Doctor: knowing that kind of pain, and having lived through it once, why on earth would I ever allow someone to be able to hurt me that way again?”
He seemed ready for the question. “Because not everyone leaves.”
“Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot of people who decide they want out of something that was supposed to last forever.”
He continued on, speaking more passionately than she’d ever heard him. “Because you decide that the good moments are worth it, no matter what might happen down the road. Because you find someone who’s worth facing your deepest fears for, someone you’re willing to take a chance on.”
Victoria looked away, shaking her head. “You make it sound so simple.” After a long moment, she continued. “You do realize this is all a moot point, right? Even if I was willing to take a chance—and I’m not saying I am—none of this changes the fact that Ford has his own issues with commitment.”
“It’s true that telling Ford how you feel means taking a risk.” Dr. Metzel smiled. “But believe it or not, Victoria, you’re not the first person to be afraid to put yourself out there when it comes to relationships.”
That got a small smile out of her. “And here I wanted to be such a trailblazer for the fear-of-intimacy-and-abandonment crowd.” She paused, feeling the need to set the record straight about one other thing. “And I don’t think you’re the enemy. Just . . . a big pain in the ass.”
Dr. Metzel laughed, giving her a nod in acknowledgment. “I’ll take it.”
* * *
THE FOLLOWING MONDAY, after a morning court call, Victoria returned to the office to find that Peter Sutter had left a message for her.
“He wanted to know when the results of the paternity test would be in,” Will said. “He sounded really anxious.”
She rolled her eyes. Oh, sure, now Sutter was eager to get answers, after keeping them all on pins and needles last week. Fortunately, to keep the ball rolling, she’d called the lab after Sutter’s visit last Friday and had asked if there was any way they could expedite the results.
“Sure, we can fax them over in one business day for an additional fee,” the case manager at the lab had informed her.
Figuring the money came out of her own pocket anyway, she’d given them the go-ahead.
“I have to jump on another call,” Victoria told Will. “Can you call Sutter back and let him know that the lab said they’d get me the results by noon?”
Will nodded. “Will do.”
An hour later, he walked into her office while she was on yet another call, and put a note on her desk.
Peter Sutter is here.
Surprised, she mouthed, Here? as her opposing counsel continued talking on the other end of the line. When Will nodded, she wrapped up her call as fast as possible and then headed out to his desk.
“He’s in the waiting area,” Will said. “And apparently, he’s not alone.”
Victoria cocked her head. “He brought a lawyer?” Perhaps Sutter was preparing for a fight, after all.
Bring it on.
“The receptionist only said that he was with a guest,” Will said. “Do you want me to check it out?”
“No, I’ll go out there myself.” She headed down the hallway to the waiting area, wondering if she was going to find one of the usual suspects in the Chicago family law scene sitting next to Sutter. And when she rounded the corner, she did, indeed, see a familiar face.
