Sushi for Beginners
Page 145

‘I know, I know, I know! I can see that now, but at the time I was clueless. I’m sorry, I just thought I should have anything I wanted because I was so miserable.’
‘But why Marcus? Why my boyfriend?’
Clodagh reddened and looked at her lap. She was taking a real risk admitting this. ‘Probably anyone would have done.’
‘But it was my boyfriend you picked. Because you didn’t have any respect for me.’ Ashling cut to the heart of the matter.
Shamefaced, Clodagh admitted, ‘Not enough. Which I hate myself for. I’ve spent the past months feeling guilty and shitty about it. I’d give my left tit for you to forgive me.’
After a long, sweaty pause Ashling sighed heavily. ‘I forgive you. Like, who am I to judge? I’ve hardly lived a perfect life. As you pointed out, I was a total victim.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry!’
‘Don’t be, you were right.’
Clodagh’s face lit up. ‘Does that mean we can be friends again?’
Another long pause as Ashling thought about it. She and Clodagh had been friends since they’d been five. Best friends. They’d lived through childhood, adolescence and early adulthood together. They shared a common history and no one would know her the way Clodagh knew her. That sort of friendship is rare. But…
‘No,’ Ashling broke the tense silence. ‘I forgive you, but I don’t trust you. To lose one boyfriend to your friend is misfortunate, but to lose two is careless.’
‘But I’ve changed. I really have.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Ashling said sadly.
‘But…’ Clodagh objected.
‘No!’
Clodagh realized it was pointless. ‘OK,’ she whispered. ‘I’d better go. I really am sorry, I just want you to know that… Bye.’
As she left, she found she was shaking. It hadn’t gone the way she’d hoped. The last few months had been nasty in the extreme for Clodagh. She was shocked and indeed surprised by how painful she found her life. Not just her new, grim, single-mother circumstances, but the insight she’d been given into her own self-seeking behaviour.
Contrition was a new emotion for her, and she’d expected that if she explained the understanding she’d had into her selfishness, and stressed how very sorry she was, she’d be forgiven. That instantly everything would be perfect again. But she’d underestimated Ashling and she’d learnt yet another lesson: just because she was sorry didn’t mean people were ready to forgive her and just because people forgave her didn’t mean she’d feel any better.
Sad and lonely and still burdened with the fruits of her destruction, she wondered if she’d ever be able to fix all that she’d broken. Would anything ever be normal again?
As she passed Hogan’s a crowd of boys noticed her and began whistling and shouting compliments. At first she ignored them, then on a whim tossed her hair and gave a dazzling over-the-shoulder smile which elicted whoops of wild appreciation from them. All at once her heart lifted.
Hey, life goes on.
Meanwhile, when Lisa had left Ashling and Clodagh in the office lobby, she’d made herself walk home. She’d started doing that to counteract all the dinners Kathy made her eat. As she walked along she worked hard at keeping the sadness at bay. I am fabulous. I have a fabulous mum and dad. I have a fabulous new job as a media consultant. I have fabulous shoes.
When she turned into her street, one of her neighbours was sitting on her doorstep waiting for her. What amazed her was that they hadn’t got the key from Kathy and just let themselves in, she thought drily.
She’d miss them all when she returned to London. Although Francine kept telling her she wouldn’t have to, that Lisa would have so many visitors it would be almost as if she’d never left.
Who was on her step, anyway? Francine? Beck? But they were the wrong sex to be Francine, and they were too big to be Beck and… Lisa’s step faltered as she realized they were the wrong colour to be either of them. It was Oliver.
‘What are you doing here?’ she called in astonishment.
‘I’ve come to see you,’ he called back.
She reached her front-door and he stood up with a big, white grin. ‘I’ve come to win you back, babes.’
‘Why?’ She put her key in the lock and he followed her into the hall. She was confused – and oddly resentful. She’d put a whole day’s effort into ‘moving on’ and he’d scuppered it.
‘Because you’re the best,’ he said simply. Another dazzling smile.
She clattered her keys on the kitchen table. ‘You’ve left it a bit bloody late,’ she said snippily. ‘We’ve just got divorced.’
‘You know,’ he said, thoughtfully, ‘I feel so shit about that. It has messed with my head like you just would not believe! Anyway, nothing to say we can’t get married again,’ he grinned.
‘I’m serious,’ he insisted when she gave him a you-mad-bastard look.
She threw him another one but all at once her thoughts got a bit frisky and out-of-control. The idea of marrying Oliver again was ludicrous but seductive. Extremely seductive – for about a nano-second, then she got real.
Briskly she asked, ‘Don’t you remember how horrible it was? At the end we rowed all the time and it was bitter. You hated me and my job.’
‘Right,’ he admitted. ‘But I’ve got to take some of the rap. I was too arsey. When you changed your mind about having a baby, I should have listened to you. I know you tried to tell me, babes, and I did not want to know. That was why finding you were still on the Pill blew me away. But if I’d listened, well… ‘And you are so not as hard as you were. Sorry, babes,’ he said as she bristled, ‘but you’re not.’
‘And this is a good thing?’
‘Sure.’
At her sceptical face he said softly, ‘Lisa, we’ve been apart more than a year, and it still hasn’t got any better for me. I’ve never met anyone who even comes close to you.’
His expression was enquiring, waiting for some encouragement or endorsement from her, but she gave neither. All the buoyancy he’d had on arrival drained away and he was suddenly anxious. ‘Unless you’ve met someone else. I’ll just naff off if you have,’ he offered graciously. ‘And forget about trying to win you back.’