“What about all of the girls you’ve dated?” I knew I was reaching. “I’m sure there’ve been some who loved you, and maybe some who you could have loved, too?”
“No girl has ever loved me. You have to know someone to love them. They’ve all been infatuations. They wanted to own me. That’s the nature of lust.”
My gut wrenched with guilt as I recognized the feeling he described. And just when I was afraid he would notice, Jamie Moore’s face flashed into my mind. She would have been capable of loving him, given the chance. As much as I did not want to think about her, I felt a pull in that direction.
“There’s a girl at my school who you were with last year. I guess it was when you first moved here. She was really nice. Jamie Moore?”
He nodded in acknowledgment, but kept his eyes on the road. I didn’t continue. I was afraid I’d pushed my luck too far, and the topic made me nervous anyway.
“Look, here’s the deal,” Kaidan said. “They all know up front I’m not interested in a relationship. I never lie to any of them. I don’t need to. The truth hurts worse than a lie. Jamie thought she could change me. It was a foolish notion.”
It seemed that he wanted me to believe he was hardened, but I didn’t. I had seen cracks, glimpses of something softer hiding under it all. So I went for it.
“Do you ever feel sorry for them, or sad to see them hurting?” I rushed on before he could answer. “Please, I don’t mean that as a judgment. I’m just trying to figure you out.”
His grip tightened on the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white.
“What if I say no, hmm? What if I have no compassion for the ones I’ve hurt—no, better yet, the ones who have allowed themselves to be hurt, even sought out the pain?”
I held my hands in my lap and stared down at the half-eaten apple turning brown at the edges.
“Then I would feel bad for you,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because that’s a sad way to live, and... I care about you.”
“Don’t say that.” His tone was edgy, almost angry. “You shouldn’t say that, about caring. You hardly know me.”
“And you hardly know me, but here we are. You offered to take me on this trip. You’ve answered my gazillion questions. You haven’t forced me to do anything, and you haven’t exposed me to your father. I’m glad to be here with you.”
There. I’d said it. We searched each other’s eyes for a moment before he turned back to the road and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. My pulse slowed to normal.
“Once I get a girl to be with me, it’s a onetime thing,” he began. “Now and then we’ll hook up twice, three times max. But I try not to think of them as individuals. It’s purely physical. I make no promises to call. I don’t even give out my number; they get it from other people. They’ll come see the band or show up at a party where I am and give me gifts—I’m sure you can imagine.”
I wished I couldn’t.
“But on my third time seeing Jamie, she gave me something different than anyone ever had. She made me a CD. I could see she’d put thought into it. She said each song had a killer drum solo or unique drum riff. It was an excellent collection. We saw each other for three weeks, quite often. But when she told me she loved me, I had to break it off. In the end I needed her to hate me. So I left my phone out at band practice one day with a picture she’d sent me of herself.”
He gave me a quick look of defiance, and then his eyes were on the road again. I guess I had needed to hear all of that. I was knotted up inside.
“Were you falling in love with her?” I asked.
He groaned and shook his head.
“Christ, Anna.” I flinched. “Right. Forgot I was riding with a saint.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before going on. “No. I was not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with anyone. I was merely answering your question about whether or not I ever feel bad about hurting someone. The answer is yes. I felt bad about her. God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you.”
I leaned back into my seat and stared out my window at the last stretch of Texas as the sun sank lower, hoping Kaidan wouldn’t notice me wiping away the lone tear that slid down my face for him.
“Don’t pity me, Anna, and don’t think well of me for that small revelation. Don’t fool yourself into believing I haven’t enjoyed the work I’ve done, because I have. You should know who you’re dealing with.”
It was time to find out more about this person I was dealing with.
“Have you ever drugged a girl or spiked her drink?” I asked, still staring out at Texas.
“No. That’s for those who lack confidence.”
“Have you taken advantage of a girl who was wasted or passed out?”
“No. What’s the use if she can’t remember?”
“Forced a girl to do something she didn’t want to?”
“No. Are you training to be a psychologist?”
“I don’t doubt that you’ve physically enjoyed yourself, Kaidan. If you want me to know who I’m dealing with, then answer me this: Do you take pleasure in hurting people?”
I watched his chest rise and sink with a silent sigh. He spoke devoid of feeling, bordering on impatience.
“I feel nothing for them. I ignore their pain. I don’t let it into my thoughts. It brings me no pleasure or pain to see them hurting, with the one exception that we already spoke of. Is that touchy-feely enough for you?”
“No girl has ever loved me. You have to know someone to love them. They’ve all been infatuations. They wanted to own me. That’s the nature of lust.”
My gut wrenched with guilt as I recognized the feeling he described. And just when I was afraid he would notice, Jamie Moore’s face flashed into my mind. She would have been capable of loving him, given the chance. As much as I did not want to think about her, I felt a pull in that direction.
“There’s a girl at my school who you were with last year. I guess it was when you first moved here. She was really nice. Jamie Moore?”
He nodded in acknowledgment, but kept his eyes on the road. I didn’t continue. I was afraid I’d pushed my luck too far, and the topic made me nervous anyway.
“Look, here’s the deal,” Kaidan said. “They all know up front I’m not interested in a relationship. I never lie to any of them. I don’t need to. The truth hurts worse than a lie. Jamie thought she could change me. It was a foolish notion.”
It seemed that he wanted me to believe he was hardened, but I didn’t. I had seen cracks, glimpses of something softer hiding under it all. So I went for it.
“Do you ever feel sorry for them, or sad to see them hurting?” I rushed on before he could answer. “Please, I don’t mean that as a judgment. I’m just trying to figure you out.”
His grip tightened on the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white.
“What if I say no, hmm? What if I have no compassion for the ones I’ve hurt—no, better yet, the ones who have allowed themselves to be hurt, even sought out the pain?”
I held my hands in my lap and stared down at the half-eaten apple turning brown at the edges.
“Then I would feel bad for you,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because that’s a sad way to live, and... I care about you.”
“Don’t say that.” His tone was edgy, almost angry. “You shouldn’t say that, about caring. You hardly know me.”
“And you hardly know me, but here we are. You offered to take me on this trip. You’ve answered my gazillion questions. You haven’t forced me to do anything, and you haven’t exposed me to your father. I’m glad to be here with you.”
There. I’d said it. We searched each other’s eyes for a moment before he turned back to the road and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. My pulse slowed to normal.
“Once I get a girl to be with me, it’s a onetime thing,” he began. “Now and then we’ll hook up twice, three times max. But I try not to think of them as individuals. It’s purely physical. I make no promises to call. I don’t even give out my number; they get it from other people. They’ll come see the band or show up at a party where I am and give me gifts—I’m sure you can imagine.”
I wished I couldn’t.
“But on my third time seeing Jamie, she gave me something different than anyone ever had. She made me a CD. I could see she’d put thought into it. She said each song had a killer drum solo or unique drum riff. It was an excellent collection. We saw each other for three weeks, quite often. But when she told me she loved me, I had to break it off. In the end I needed her to hate me. So I left my phone out at band practice one day with a picture she’d sent me of herself.”
He gave me a quick look of defiance, and then his eyes were on the road again. I guess I had needed to hear all of that. I was knotted up inside.
“Were you falling in love with her?” I asked.
He groaned and shook his head.
“Christ, Anna.” I flinched. “Right. Forgot I was riding with a saint.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before going on. “No. I was not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with anyone. I was merely answering your question about whether or not I ever feel bad about hurting someone. The answer is yes. I felt bad about her. God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you.”
I leaned back into my seat and stared out my window at the last stretch of Texas as the sun sank lower, hoping Kaidan wouldn’t notice me wiping away the lone tear that slid down my face for him.
“Don’t pity me, Anna, and don’t think well of me for that small revelation. Don’t fool yourself into believing I haven’t enjoyed the work I’ve done, because I have. You should know who you’re dealing with.”
It was time to find out more about this person I was dealing with.
“Have you ever drugged a girl or spiked her drink?” I asked, still staring out at Texas.
“No. That’s for those who lack confidence.”
“Have you taken advantage of a girl who was wasted or passed out?”
“No. What’s the use if she can’t remember?”
“Forced a girl to do something she didn’t want to?”
“No. Are you training to be a psychologist?”
“I don’t doubt that you’ve physically enjoyed yourself, Kaidan. If you want me to know who I’m dealing with, then answer me this: Do you take pleasure in hurting people?”
I watched his chest rise and sink with a silent sigh. He spoke devoid of feeling, bordering on impatience.
“I feel nothing for them. I ignore their pain. I don’t let it into my thoughts. It brings me no pleasure or pain to see them hurting, with the one exception that we already spoke of. Is that touchy-feely enough for you?”
