“Nervous?” he asked.
“Umm...”
“About tomorrow?” he specified.
“Oh.” Now that he mentioned it... “Yeah.”
“You’ll do fine. I’ll drop you off and come get you the moment you call.”
He took my hand gently in his. My heart was beating too fast. I watched him run the pad of his thumb back and forth over my thumbnail. I knew that if I looked up now he would kiss me. I wanted him to. All I had to do was lift my face. But it felt wrong that I should keep kissing someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. The thought of Kaidan as anyone’s boyfriend was laughable. He probably thought boyfriend and husband were bad words.
After I’d refused to look at him for long enough, he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my thumb. I rested my cheek on my knee and closed my eyes. The sweetness of his gesture was too much. Just as I was about to stop fighting it and turn my face up to his, he stood.
“Get some rest,” he said, letting go of my hand.
I burrowed down into the covers and tried to resume normal breathing. I heard him get into his own bed and become still.
“Kaidan?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not trying to judge. I’m just curious. Um...” I twisted the blanket in my hands. “Are you going out tonight?”
The pause was long and weighty before he said, “I don’t think I will.”
Yes! I reined in any hopeful thoughts and feelings about what this might mean, but I could not deny the speed of the hummingbird zooming around inside of me.
“Ann?” he whispered.
“Yes?”
“It won’t bother me if you need to, you know, properly pray, however you do it.”
“Oh. Okay, thanks.” He’d caught me off guard, but I felt willing to share my private moment with him.
I felt self-conscious at first as I clasped my fingers in front of me and closed my eyes, but as I began, a peace settled over me. I thought about all I’d seen that day, and what I’d be facing tomorrow. I asked for strength of heart to face my earthly father. I begged that the Nephilim could find reason to hope. And the last wish in my heart was for Kaidan to experience love in his life, both the giving and receiving.
Once finished, I reached for the lamp switch and saw his handsome face on the pillow watching me. Warmth rushed through my limbs.
“Good night,” I whispered, and turned out the light.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MOURNING HEAVEN
I awoke at the first crack of dawn and lay listening to Kaidan’s steady breathing as he slept. I was glad this day was finally here. I wanted to get it over with.
I crept to the bathroom and took a shower, then dressed in the nicest outfit I’d brought—khaki shorts and a button-down yellow shirt with a white tank top underneath. I tried to think positive, peaceful thoughts as I towel-dried my hair.
In the room, Kaidan was lying on his back with his hands resting on top of his stomach. He didn’t look fully awake yet.
“I ordered us some room service for breakfast.” In his sleepy state, his voice was even deeper than normal.
“Thank you,” I told him.
He watched as I sat in a chair and brushed through my wet hair, snagging light tangles as I went. I was too nervous about the day to feel self-conscious. He didn’t take his eyes off me the entire time I French-braided it.
Our breakfast came and I took two bites of a waffle. Nerves had shot my appetite, but I forced down half a glass of apple juice.
Kaidan stared out of the window at our grungy city view. I went and stood next to him.
“You’ve gotten scruffy,” I said, reaching out to run a hand across the stubble on his jaw.
He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his cheek, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again I was startled by the crushing, desperate look he gave me. And just as quickly, he was dropping my hand and turning back to the window, crossing his arms. I swallowed, confused. I started to turn away but then he spoke.
“I have something for you.”
He pulled his hand out of his pocket, and when he opened it, sitting in his palm was the small, beautiful necklace of turquoise I’d admired in New Mexico. I stared in disbelief.
“I saw you looking at it and thought you liked it,” he said.
Oh, no, not the tears. Please not the tears. I blinked the stupid things away, thinking about how much I did not want to clean mascara from my face.
“Have I upset you?” he asked.
“No! I’m not upset. I’m just surprised. I can’t believe... I mean, I love it. Nobody’s ever given me anything like this.” I wiped hard under my eyes and then clasped the necklace around my neck.
He cursed under his breath and roughly pushed the hair from his eyes, looking away. “This was a mistake.”
“No.” I grasped his arm. “It wasn’t.”
“Don’t read into this, Anna. It would be a mistake to romanticize me.”
“I’m not. It was a nice gesture. That’s all.” I tried to reassure him, though I wasn’t certain myself.
I would deal with this torrent of emotion later. Right now I had a demon to meet.
We sat in the parking lot of the Federal Correctional Institution of Southern California. Other visitors were sitting in their cars, too, or loitering by the entrance. We hadn’t spoken within five miles of the prison, in case my father was listening. I clutched at my stomach, which contracted and growled.
He gave me a soft admonishment. “You should have eaten more.”
“Umm...”
“About tomorrow?” he specified.
“Oh.” Now that he mentioned it... “Yeah.”
“You’ll do fine. I’ll drop you off and come get you the moment you call.”
He took my hand gently in his. My heart was beating too fast. I watched him run the pad of his thumb back and forth over my thumbnail. I knew that if I looked up now he would kiss me. I wanted him to. All I had to do was lift my face. But it felt wrong that I should keep kissing someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. The thought of Kaidan as anyone’s boyfriend was laughable. He probably thought boyfriend and husband were bad words.
After I’d refused to look at him for long enough, he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my thumb. I rested my cheek on my knee and closed my eyes. The sweetness of his gesture was too much. Just as I was about to stop fighting it and turn my face up to his, he stood.
“Get some rest,” he said, letting go of my hand.
I burrowed down into the covers and tried to resume normal breathing. I heard him get into his own bed and become still.
“Kaidan?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not trying to judge. I’m just curious. Um...” I twisted the blanket in my hands. “Are you going out tonight?”
The pause was long and weighty before he said, “I don’t think I will.”
Yes! I reined in any hopeful thoughts and feelings about what this might mean, but I could not deny the speed of the hummingbird zooming around inside of me.
“Ann?” he whispered.
“Yes?”
“It won’t bother me if you need to, you know, properly pray, however you do it.”
“Oh. Okay, thanks.” He’d caught me off guard, but I felt willing to share my private moment with him.
I felt self-conscious at first as I clasped my fingers in front of me and closed my eyes, but as I began, a peace settled over me. I thought about all I’d seen that day, and what I’d be facing tomorrow. I asked for strength of heart to face my earthly father. I begged that the Nephilim could find reason to hope. And the last wish in my heart was for Kaidan to experience love in his life, both the giving and receiving.
Once finished, I reached for the lamp switch and saw his handsome face on the pillow watching me. Warmth rushed through my limbs.
“Good night,” I whispered, and turned out the light.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MOURNING HEAVEN
I awoke at the first crack of dawn and lay listening to Kaidan’s steady breathing as he slept. I was glad this day was finally here. I wanted to get it over with.
I crept to the bathroom and took a shower, then dressed in the nicest outfit I’d brought—khaki shorts and a button-down yellow shirt with a white tank top underneath. I tried to think positive, peaceful thoughts as I towel-dried my hair.
In the room, Kaidan was lying on his back with his hands resting on top of his stomach. He didn’t look fully awake yet.
“I ordered us some room service for breakfast.” In his sleepy state, his voice was even deeper than normal.
“Thank you,” I told him.
He watched as I sat in a chair and brushed through my wet hair, snagging light tangles as I went. I was too nervous about the day to feel self-conscious. He didn’t take his eyes off me the entire time I French-braided it.
Our breakfast came and I took two bites of a waffle. Nerves had shot my appetite, but I forced down half a glass of apple juice.
Kaidan stared out of the window at our grungy city view. I went and stood next to him.
“You’ve gotten scruffy,” I said, reaching out to run a hand across the stubble on his jaw.
He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his cheek, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again I was startled by the crushing, desperate look he gave me. And just as quickly, he was dropping my hand and turning back to the window, crossing his arms. I swallowed, confused. I started to turn away but then he spoke.
“I have something for you.”
He pulled his hand out of his pocket, and when he opened it, sitting in his palm was the small, beautiful necklace of turquoise I’d admired in New Mexico. I stared in disbelief.
“I saw you looking at it and thought you liked it,” he said.
Oh, no, not the tears. Please not the tears. I blinked the stupid things away, thinking about how much I did not want to clean mascara from my face.
“Have I upset you?” he asked.
“No! I’m not upset. I’m just surprised. I can’t believe... I mean, I love it. Nobody’s ever given me anything like this.” I wiped hard under my eyes and then clasped the necklace around my neck.
He cursed under his breath and roughly pushed the hair from his eyes, looking away. “This was a mistake.”
“No.” I grasped his arm. “It wasn’t.”
“Don’t read into this, Anna. It would be a mistake to romanticize me.”
“I’m not. It was a nice gesture. That’s all.” I tried to reassure him, though I wasn’t certain myself.
I would deal with this torrent of emotion later. Right now I had a demon to meet.
We sat in the parking lot of the Federal Correctional Institution of Southern California. Other visitors were sitting in their cars, too, or loitering by the entrance. We hadn’t spoken within five miles of the prison, in case my father was listening. I clutched at my stomach, which contracted and growled.
He gave me a soft admonishment. “You should have eaten more.”
