He grumbled at my therapist voice, and then the floodgates opened, and he let it all out.
“As much as I hate to admit it, she and I are a lot alike. We both understood very early what would be expected of us, before the others did, and it made us curious. We sort of experimented together, nothing serious, just kid stuff. Her nanny caught us when I was eight and Ginger was nine. The woman told our fathers and naturally they thought it was bloody amusing. My father was sent to Italy for one year while I was twelve. The twins were turning thirteen, so that was the year they started working. When I came back to England, Ginger was changed, like a completely different person. She was hardened and critical, and viciously protective of Marna. It was a sign of things to come for me. It was never the same after that. I found it easier not to talk to her or anyone else.”
He’d cut her off. He was good at that. But to have it happen as a child would have been even more traumatic.
“Maybe she thought of herself as your girlfriend,” I said.
“I couldn’t worry about that. Things were changing for me at that time. I couldn’t think about Ginger or being a child anymore. There was no looking back. Blake started hanging with us the following year, and he was all about Ginger from the start. She’s always enjoyed the attention. One night when we were all working a party outside of London, Blake hooked up with this girl, and he was snogging her right there. Out of nowhere, Ginger started coming on to me.”
“She was trying to make him jealous?”
“That’s what I think. At that point I was sixteen, and I mostly hooked up with strangers who I could avoid seeing again, but it’s not like I’d be able to avoid Ginger the rest of my life. Our history made things uncomfortable enough as it was. I guess she figured I hooked up casually all the time, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for me. It was quite the ugly scene when I told her to go find some other bloke if she was feeling randy. It’s been brutal ever since. And then there’s the issue of Blake’s freakout.”
I leaned toward him over the armrest, captivated. “Was that the one time you said he got jealous over a girl?”
Kaidan nodded. “He’d witnessed our whole conversation. Dropped the girl he was snogging and threw a wobbler, yelling and breaking things.”
I couldn’t imagine Blake on an envy rampage, yelling and breaking things. There had to be so many hidden emotions under the surface of these stories.
“I think she still has feelings for you,” I said.
“No. I think she’s pissed off about her life and she misses being close to someone she considers her equal. Marna is more like her bear cub.”
Emotions rolled through me and I pushed them down.
“You’re upset I didn’t tell you, aren’t you?” he asked.
“Kind of.” There was no use denying it.
“It was forever ago.”
“But we’re shaped by the things that happen to us as children. She’s still hurting from it. Don’t you miss her, too? As a friend, at least?”
“This is the first time I’ve thought about her in ages, and it’s only because you asked me. Do you remember what I told you about the twins and their father, Astaroth?” he asked. “About how they can sense romantic bonds between people?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s why I hit the booze that night when we were all together this summer. I didn’t want them to know there was anything there. I didn’t want to have to explain anything or listen to their rubbish.”
My pulse quickened. He was admitting there was something between us. Something mutual.
“And tonight?” I asked, playing with the zipper on my jacket. He pulled a flask out from under his seat as an answer, and my heart rate turned to a solid gallop in my chest.
“Don’t worry. I’m sober right now. I’ll start drinking when we pull up.”
“Do I need to drink, too?”
“No. Just one of us will do the trick.”
I wound a lock of hair around my finger and kept my eyes on the console in front of me, trying not to stutter when I asked, “If you didn’t drink, what would they see?”
He stared at the road, clutching the wheel. It took a long time for him to answer. Too long.
“I don’t know. Maybe attraction. Maybe nothing. A lot of time has passed. Five miles is coming up now.”
What did that mean, maybe nothing? On whose side was it possibly gone, his or mine? I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Of course he wouldn’t want them to know he was attracted to me. But it didn’t mean he felt more than that.
I scrunched down in my seat. Seeing him again was going to set me back, but there was no way I’d let myself fall into that dark place again. I closed my eyes, meditating. An image of Kopano swam into my head. He would never string me along and confuse me like this. I wished I could make myself want him the way I wanted Kai. The heart was a confusing thing.
At his house Kaidan punched a code into the security box and pulled into the driveway, which was packed with cars. I pushed my hearing into the house and moved it around until I found a gruff voice using poker lingo. I didn’t recognize the other voices at the table, which meant Pharzuph wasn’t there. Kaidan opened the flask and tipped it up. The sweet pungency of bourbon reached me where I sat. I could probably discern the brand if I had a sip myself. He shoved the flask into a side pocket of his pants and we got out.
We first went down to the basement, which was packed with people. Blake was showing some guy the newest high-tech thingy, causing the guy to be encased in green. Ginger and Marna were in the tiki bar area, sipping drinks and making eyes at a man across the room. He was trying to have a conversation with a woman, but he was distracted by his lust for the gorgeous twins.
“As much as I hate to admit it, she and I are a lot alike. We both understood very early what would be expected of us, before the others did, and it made us curious. We sort of experimented together, nothing serious, just kid stuff. Her nanny caught us when I was eight and Ginger was nine. The woman told our fathers and naturally they thought it was bloody amusing. My father was sent to Italy for one year while I was twelve. The twins were turning thirteen, so that was the year they started working. When I came back to England, Ginger was changed, like a completely different person. She was hardened and critical, and viciously protective of Marna. It was a sign of things to come for me. It was never the same after that. I found it easier not to talk to her or anyone else.”
He’d cut her off. He was good at that. But to have it happen as a child would have been even more traumatic.
“Maybe she thought of herself as your girlfriend,” I said.
“I couldn’t worry about that. Things were changing for me at that time. I couldn’t think about Ginger or being a child anymore. There was no looking back. Blake started hanging with us the following year, and he was all about Ginger from the start. She’s always enjoyed the attention. One night when we were all working a party outside of London, Blake hooked up with this girl, and he was snogging her right there. Out of nowhere, Ginger started coming on to me.”
“She was trying to make him jealous?”
“That’s what I think. At that point I was sixteen, and I mostly hooked up with strangers who I could avoid seeing again, but it’s not like I’d be able to avoid Ginger the rest of my life. Our history made things uncomfortable enough as it was. I guess she figured I hooked up casually all the time, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for me. It was quite the ugly scene when I told her to go find some other bloke if she was feeling randy. It’s been brutal ever since. And then there’s the issue of Blake’s freakout.”
I leaned toward him over the armrest, captivated. “Was that the one time you said he got jealous over a girl?”
Kaidan nodded. “He’d witnessed our whole conversation. Dropped the girl he was snogging and threw a wobbler, yelling and breaking things.”
I couldn’t imagine Blake on an envy rampage, yelling and breaking things. There had to be so many hidden emotions under the surface of these stories.
“I think she still has feelings for you,” I said.
“No. I think she’s pissed off about her life and she misses being close to someone she considers her equal. Marna is more like her bear cub.”
Emotions rolled through me and I pushed them down.
“You’re upset I didn’t tell you, aren’t you?” he asked.
“Kind of.” There was no use denying it.
“It was forever ago.”
“But we’re shaped by the things that happen to us as children. She’s still hurting from it. Don’t you miss her, too? As a friend, at least?”
“This is the first time I’ve thought about her in ages, and it’s only because you asked me. Do you remember what I told you about the twins and their father, Astaroth?” he asked. “About how they can sense romantic bonds between people?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s why I hit the booze that night when we were all together this summer. I didn’t want them to know there was anything there. I didn’t want to have to explain anything or listen to their rubbish.”
My pulse quickened. He was admitting there was something between us. Something mutual.
“And tonight?” I asked, playing with the zipper on my jacket. He pulled a flask out from under his seat as an answer, and my heart rate turned to a solid gallop in my chest.
“Don’t worry. I’m sober right now. I’ll start drinking when we pull up.”
“Do I need to drink, too?”
“No. Just one of us will do the trick.”
I wound a lock of hair around my finger and kept my eyes on the console in front of me, trying not to stutter when I asked, “If you didn’t drink, what would they see?”
He stared at the road, clutching the wheel. It took a long time for him to answer. Too long.
“I don’t know. Maybe attraction. Maybe nothing. A lot of time has passed. Five miles is coming up now.”
What did that mean, maybe nothing? On whose side was it possibly gone, his or mine? I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Of course he wouldn’t want them to know he was attracted to me. But it didn’t mean he felt more than that.
I scrunched down in my seat. Seeing him again was going to set me back, but there was no way I’d let myself fall into that dark place again. I closed my eyes, meditating. An image of Kopano swam into my head. He would never string me along and confuse me like this. I wished I could make myself want him the way I wanted Kai. The heart was a confusing thing.
At his house Kaidan punched a code into the security box and pulled into the driveway, which was packed with cars. I pushed my hearing into the house and moved it around until I found a gruff voice using poker lingo. I didn’t recognize the other voices at the table, which meant Pharzuph wasn’t there. Kaidan opened the flask and tipped it up. The sweet pungency of bourbon reached me where I sat. I could probably discern the brand if I had a sip myself. He shoved the flask into a side pocket of his pants and we got out.
We first went down to the basement, which was packed with people. Blake was showing some guy the newest high-tech thingy, causing the guy to be encased in green. Ginger and Marna were in the tiki bar area, sipping drinks and making eyes at a man across the room. He was trying to have a conversation with a woman, but he was distracted by his lust for the gorgeous twins.
