I closed my eyes briefly and tried to breathe through Lev’s oncoming rant. He launched into them daily, his words trying to crop me the fuck down.
“They’re probably not working late. He’s probably back selling coke. The only thing he was ever good at. A snow entrepreneur.”
Every part of me froze at the mention of my dealing, and I turned to glare at Levi, who was leaning back against the granite countertop, making a protein shake. My baby brother was shooting daggers at me with his gray eyes.
It’d been like this since I’d arrived. Most days he ignored me, the rest of the time he tried to shoot me down, tried to make me feel like the fucking loser they all believed I was.
The first few days, I put up with his shit, tried to coast the tide of anger. But recently, I’d been crashing at my studio more. Had Vin put in a bed for me there. Didn’t wanna be here, where I wasn’t wanted. Didn’t wanna fuck up Lev’s life more than I already had.
“Levi, stop!” Lexi said tiredly, but I put up my hand to stop her.
I locked gazes with my fratellino. “Believe it or not, kid, I ain’t into that shit no more.”
A knowing smirk spread on Levi’s mouth. “Yeah, Axe? You reformed now?”
“Si, Lev, I am. Just trying to get on with my life.”
Levi gripped the shaker in his hand and stepped forward, his face beaming red. “You know, I used to believe that God looked after good people, but looking at you sitting here in this house after everything you did to me, Aust, and Lex just doesn’t sit right.” Lev leaned forward, and for a minute, I thought the kid was gonna try and hit me, but he pulled back last minute. “You killed people, Axe, for nothing more than turf. You made Austin and me shoot guys from the Kings, and what makes me more pissed than anything is Mamma fucking died. Mamma, the best woman that ever existed, fucking died while you got to live. You!”
My chest tightened as I watched tears fill Lev’s eyes. I wanted to do nothing more than stand up and fucking pull him to my chest and tell him I was sorry. But no way would he let me do that.
“Lev, you’d better wind your fucking neck in, now,” Austin warned. Lev darted his eyes to Austin, then focused back on me.
“It’s okay, Aust. Let him say what he wants. He obviously wants to get it off his chest,” I said coolly, which only served to piss Lev off more.
“Axel, no one should be spoken to like that,” Lexi said quietly, and it was the only time in his whole performance that I saw Lev lose his tough thug act.
Never breaking Levi’s gaze, I shook my head at Lexi. “Let him say whatever he wants to say, Lexi. It’s been a long time coming.”
Levi’s gray eyes lit with fire, and I was sure if he had a gun, I’d be taking a shot of lead to the head. He leaned down farther. “Work at your fucking fish market, Axe. But know nothing you do will ever make me forgive you. You’re nothing but trash.”
Levi walked out of the house, and I sat at the table, still gripping my coffee, the mug almost cracking under my tight grip.
“Axe, fuck, he shouldn’t have said all that about Mamma—” Austin tried to say, but I stood, cutting him off, washed my cup out in the sink, and placed it on the drainer.
Closing my eyes and inhaling to fight back the fucking devastation washing through me, I said, “He’s right, Aust. Everything he said was right.” I looked up to see Austin and Lexi watching me with sympathetic eyes.
I didn’t want no fucking pity. It only pissed me off more. I wasn’t a damn charity case.
Pushing off the counter, I walked past my brother and wife, but not before saying, “If I could trade places with Mamma, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I deserve to be dead. I ain’t never done nothing good in my whole life. Lev’s right. I’m trash.”
*****
Feeling the cold metal of the hammer in my hands, I began slamming it down on the large chunks of gray-veined Pavonazzo marble that I wouldn’t need on this sculpture. With each blow I felt each one of Levi’s words strike my chest like I was being torn apart.
What the hell have I done to that kid?
I’d fucking destroyed him, that’s what. Me, the guy who was meant to have protected him, had fucking destroyed him.
Marble dust clouded the room. Looking at the clay cast I’d created as a template for the real thing, I took my hammer and smashed it straight through the center, two clay pieces crashing to the floor.
The hammer hung at my side. I panted with exertion, the muscles in my arms throbbing with the heavy weight of the tool.
I remained still, staring at the marble. Before I knew it, I’d picked up my pointed chisel and began chipping out a new outline. A certain image pushed its way into my mind, my hands giving it life.
I worked like a crazed man. Hours and hours passed as I chipped at the marble, the definition eventually taking form.
I worked so long that the gray skies gave way to the black of night and a strong wind pelted the long windows of the studio overlooking the Sound.
Muscles aching, body exhausted, I took a step back, assessing the sculpture. I had to turn away. I couldn’t bear to look at it.
As I turned, my eyes filled with water. My normal uncontrollable anger took hold, sparked by a truckload of self-hatred. Then, I noticed Vin standing in the doorway, staring at the unfinished sculpture, a blank expression on his old face.
“How long have you been there?” I asked, gritting my teeth as I went to pick up a towel I’d thrown on my tools. I wiped my face.
“They’re probably not working late. He’s probably back selling coke. The only thing he was ever good at. A snow entrepreneur.”
Every part of me froze at the mention of my dealing, and I turned to glare at Levi, who was leaning back against the granite countertop, making a protein shake. My baby brother was shooting daggers at me with his gray eyes.
It’d been like this since I’d arrived. Most days he ignored me, the rest of the time he tried to shoot me down, tried to make me feel like the fucking loser they all believed I was.
The first few days, I put up with his shit, tried to coast the tide of anger. But recently, I’d been crashing at my studio more. Had Vin put in a bed for me there. Didn’t wanna be here, where I wasn’t wanted. Didn’t wanna fuck up Lev’s life more than I already had.
“Levi, stop!” Lexi said tiredly, but I put up my hand to stop her.
I locked gazes with my fratellino. “Believe it or not, kid, I ain’t into that shit no more.”
A knowing smirk spread on Levi’s mouth. “Yeah, Axe? You reformed now?”
“Si, Lev, I am. Just trying to get on with my life.”
Levi gripped the shaker in his hand and stepped forward, his face beaming red. “You know, I used to believe that God looked after good people, but looking at you sitting here in this house after everything you did to me, Aust, and Lex just doesn’t sit right.” Lev leaned forward, and for a minute, I thought the kid was gonna try and hit me, but he pulled back last minute. “You killed people, Axe, for nothing more than turf. You made Austin and me shoot guys from the Kings, and what makes me more pissed than anything is Mamma fucking died. Mamma, the best woman that ever existed, fucking died while you got to live. You!”
My chest tightened as I watched tears fill Lev’s eyes. I wanted to do nothing more than stand up and fucking pull him to my chest and tell him I was sorry. But no way would he let me do that.
“Lev, you’d better wind your fucking neck in, now,” Austin warned. Lev darted his eyes to Austin, then focused back on me.
“It’s okay, Aust. Let him say what he wants. He obviously wants to get it off his chest,” I said coolly, which only served to piss Lev off more.
“Axel, no one should be spoken to like that,” Lexi said quietly, and it was the only time in his whole performance that I saw Lev lose his tough thug act.
Never breaking Levi’s gaze, I shook my head at Lexi. “Let him say whatever he wants to say, Lexi. It’s been a long time coming.”
Levi’s gray eyes lit with fire, and I was sure if he had a gun, I’d be taking a shot of lead to the head. He leaned down farther. “Work at your fucking fish market, Axe. But know nothing you do will ever make me forgive you. You’re nothing but trash.”
Levi walked out of the house, and I sat at the table, still gripping my coffee, the mug almost cracking under my tight grip.
“Axe, fuck, he shouldn’t have said all that about Mamma—” Austin tried to say, but I stood, cutting him off, washed my cup out in the sink, and placed it on the drainer.
Closing my eyes and inhaling to fight back the fucking devastation washing through me, I said, “He’s right, Aust. Everything he said was right.” I looked up to see Austin and Lexi watching me with sympathetic eyes.
I didn’t want no fucking pity. It only pissed me off more. I wasn’t a damn charity case.
Pushing off the counter, I walked past my brother and wife, but not before saying, “If I could trade places with Mamma, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I deserve to be dead. I ain’t never done nothing good in my whole life. Lev’s right. I’m trash.”
*****
Feeling the cold metal of the hammer in my hands, I began slamming it down on the large chunks of gray-veined Pavonazzo marble that I wouldn’t need on this sculpture. With each blow I felt each one of Levi’s words strike my chest like I was being torn apart.
What the hell have I done to that kid?
I’d fucking destroyed him, that’s what. Me, the guy who was meant to have protected him, had fucking destroyed him.
Marble dust clouded the room. Looking at the clay cast I’d created as a template for the real thing, I took my hammer and smashed it straight through the center, two clay pieces crashing to the floor.
The hammer hung at my side. I panted with exertion, the muscles in my arms throbbing with the heavy weight of the tool.
I remained still, staring at the marble. Before I knew it, I’d picked up my pointed chisel and began chipping out a new outline. A certain image pushed its way into my mind, my hands giving it life.
I worked like a crazed man. Hours and hours passed as I chipped at the marble, the definition eventually taking form.
I worked so long that the gray skies gave way to the black of night and a strong wind pelted the long windows of the studio overlooking the Sound.
Muscles aching, body exhausted, I took a step back, assessing the sculpture. I had to turn away. I couldn’t bear to look at it.
As I turned, my eyes filled with water. My normal uncontrollable anger took hold, sparked by a truckload of self-hatred. Then, I noticed Vin standing in the doorway, staring at the unfinished sculpture, a blank expression on his old face.
“How long have you been there?” I asked, gritting my teeth as I went to pick up a towel I’d thrown on my tools. I wiped my face.
