All I could do was stare at Ally as she spoke.
Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You could never talk about her and I was afraid if I mentioned it, it would chase you away. But I was there, querido. I was there when she passed.”
Unsure how to react to what she was saying, I asked, “Was it peaceful? Was she in pain? I can’t bear the thought of her fighting death, desperately trying to live.”
Ally’s lips pursed as she fought not to break down further. Then she added, “Your mamma was sleeping peacefully and then she just drifted away… it was painless, Axel. She looked like she was sleeping… she looked beautiful… like an angel…”
The image of my mamma’s beautiful sleeping face filled my mind, and unable to hold it back, I collapsed into Ally’s lap, shedding five years of pent up grief. I cried until my throat and chest were raw and aching. The whole time, Ally just held me in her arms, stroking back my hair and crying with me… still fucking treading water beside me.
“I wanted to tell her goodbye, and now she’s gone it’s impossible…” I croaked, purging my guilt.
Ally’s cheek pressed on my head and she whispered, “Death isn’t goodbye; it’s simply goodbye for now.”
My lungs paused in breathing and I raised my head to look right into her dark eyes. “Do you really believe that? That this isn’t the end?”
Ally stroked back my hair. “With every part of my heart.”
I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped in her arms, but when I finally lifted my head, my chest felt lighter. And as I looked into Ally’s loving eyes, my hands on her perfect face, I knew my mamma’s prayer for me had come true…
Io prego perché tu possa trovare la tua luce, mio figlio smarrito… I pray you find your light, my lost son….
I had.
“La Mia luce…” I murmured through my scratched and raw throat. Ally’s face softened in adoration. The next words I spoke came straight from my heart without any conscious thought. “Ti amo, carina… I love you so damn much that sometimes I can’t fucking take it.”
Ally dragged in a shocked breath, and as her bottom lip quivered, she leaned down to kiss my dry lips and murmured in reply, “I love you too, Axel. So so much. You’re all of my heart.”
Fuck. She loved me too…
Our kiss became deeper, until I pulled back. Feeling exhausted, I laid my head on Ally’s lap, my eyes looking straight up at her face.
As I watched her happily stroke my face, I thought over mamma’s prayer and I froze.
Ally, sensing something was wrong, asked, “What is it, baby?”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I said, “Just something that came to mind.”
Ally’s dark eyebrows pulled down. “Tell me,” she urged.
I glanced over to the marble angel of my mamma and said, “Do you believe in fate?”
Still looking confused, she entertained me and shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. I think sometimes things happen that seem so planned out by an outside force that what happens can’t be simply coincidence.” Her head tilted to the side. “Why do you ask, baby?”
Clearing my throat, and feeling pretty damn stupid for saying it, I decided to tell her any way. “My mamma used to pray that one day I would find my light, the thing to change me, to save me. She would always call me her lost son, and her biggest wish was that I would find my way.”
Ally smiled and reached out to take my hand, playing with my fingers. “But I didn’t. In fact, things only got worse. She died and I went to prison.”
“Axel…” Ally said in sympathy, but I stopped whatever she was going to say by holding up my hand.
“Ally, when I went to prison, it forced me from the Heighters, which led to me being shanked.”
Ally blinked fast and I rushed to make her understand. “Carina, if I hadn’t gone through all that… all that pain, that rage… I would never have talked to the nurse in the infirmary about my tattoo designs. I’d never have been forced into the art class to rein in my anger. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with clay sculpting, that then led to my marble sculpting, into which I poured my pain. I would never have met Vin, who published pictures of my works, who then took my marble angel to an exhibition at the Met—”
“Where I saw it in a magazine and flew to New York to see it in reality. Where I then wrote articles and journals on your works and methods—”
“Where Vin read them, and when he went to put the show together, hired you to curate it… the woman that was friends with my brother… the woman who understood my soul before I even did…” I took a calming breath, “the woman who was in the room with my mamma as she passed when I couldn’t be… that same woman who answered my mamma’s prayer… she became my light, she saved Mamma's lost son.”
“Axel… I… I don’t know what to say…” Ally whispered, as more tears fell from her eyes. I pulled her to my chest and breathed in the lavender shampoo scent of her hair.
“I always wanted this,” she said tightly, “I always wanted this kind of love, this intense love… I just never realized it could be so much more… until you.”
I closed my eyes as she said those words and for the first time ever I felt… unburdened.
I fixed my attention on my mamma’s marble statue and said quietly, “Ave Maria.”
Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You could never talk about her and I was afraid if I mentioned it, it would chase you away. But I was there, querido. I was there when she passed.”
Unsure how to react to what she was saying, I asked, “Was it peaceful? Was she in pain? I can’t bear the thought of her fighting death, desperately trying to live.”
Ally’s lips pursed as she fought not to break down further. Then she added, “Your mamma was sleeping peacefully and then she just drifted away… it was painless, Axel. She looked like she was sleeping… she looked beautiful… like an angel…”
The image of my mamma’s beautiful sleeping face filled my mind, and unable to hold it back, I collapsed into Ally’s lap, shedding five years of pent up grief. I cried until my throat and chest were raw and aching. The whole time, Ally just held me in her arms, stroking back my hair and crying with me… still fucking treading water beside me.
“I wanted to tell her goodbye, and now she’s gone it’s impossible…” I croaked, purging my guilt.
Ally’s cheek pressed on my head and she whispered, “Death isn’t goodbye; it’s simply goodbye for now.”
My lungs paused in breathing and I raised my head to look right into her dark eyes. “Do you really believe that? That this isn’t the end?”
Ally stroked back my hair. “With every part of my heart.”
I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped in her arms, but when I finally lifted my head, my chest felt lighter. And as I looked into Ally’s loving eyes, my hands on her perfect face, I knew my mamma’s prayer for me had come true…
Io prego perché tu possa trovare la tua luce, mio figlio smarrito… I pray you find your light, my lost son….
I had.
“La Mia luce…” I murmured through my scratched and raw throat. Ally’s face softened in adoration. The next words I spoke came straight from my heart without any conscious thought. “Ti amo, carina… I love you so damn much that sometimes I can’t fucking take it.”
Ally dragged in a shocked breath, and as her bottom lip quivered, she leaned down to kiss my dry lips and murmured in reply, “I love you too, Axel. So so much. You’re all of my heart.”
Fuck. She loved me too…
Our kiss became deeper, until I pulled back. Feeling exhausted, I laid my head on Ally’s lap, my eyes looking straight up at her face.
As I watched her happily stroke my face, I thought over mamma’s prayer and I froze.
Ally, sensing something was wrong, asked, “What is it, baby?”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I said, “Just something that came to mind.”
Ally’s dark eyebrows pulled down. “Tell me,” she urged.
I glanced over to the marble angel of my mamma and said, “Do you believe in fate?”
Still looking confused, she entertained me and shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. I think sometimes things happen that seem so planned out by an outside force that what happens can’t be simply coincidence.” Her head tilted to the side. “Why do you ask, baby?”
Clearing my throat, and feeling pretty damn stupid for saying it, I decided to tell her any way. “My mamma used to pray that one day I would find my light, the thing to change me, to save me. She would always call me her lost son, and her biggest wish was that I would find my way.”
Ally smiled and reached out to take my hand, playing with my fingers. “But I didn’t. In fact, things only got worse. She died and I went to prison.”
“Axel…” Ally said in sympathy, but I stopped whatever she was going to say by holding up my hand.
“Ally, when I went to prison, it forced me from the Heighters, which led to me being shanked.”
Ally blinked fast and I rushed to make her understand. “Carina, if I hadn’t gone through all that… all that pain, that rage… I would never have talked to the nurse in the infirmary about my tattoo designs. I’d never have been forced into the art class to rein in my anger. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with clay sculpting, that then led to my marble sculpting, into which I poured my pain. I would never have met Vin, who published pictures of my works, who then took my marble angel to an exhibition at the Met—”
“Where I saw it in a magazine and flew to New York to see it in reality. Where I then wrote articles and journals on your works and methods—”
“Where Vin read them, and when he went to put the show together, hired you to curate it… the woman that was friends with my brother… the woman who understood my soul before I even did…” I took a calming breath, “the woman who was in the room with my mamma as she passed when I couldn’t be… that same woman who answered my mamma’s prayer… she became my light, she saved Mamma's lost son.”
“Axel… I… I don’t know what to say…” Ally whispered, as more tears fell from her eyes. I pulled her to my chest and breathed in the lavender shampoo scent of her hair.
“I always wanted this,” she said tightly, “I always wanted this kind of love, this intense love… I just never realized it could be so much more… until you.”
I closed my eyes as she said those words and for the first time ever I felt… unburdened.
I fixed my attention on my mamma’s marble statue and said quietly, “Ave Maria.”
