My stomach fell and, looking at Levi again, I jumped when I heard my mamma scream from the other room.
Levi’s eyes snapped open at the noise and his little face screwed up as he began crying in my arms.
My gaze met Austin who was frozen in the doorway. “Take our fratellino,” I ordered. He ran forward and took Levi from my hands, then slumped down to our tiny shared bed.
A crash sounded in the TV room and Austin looked up at me, tears filling his eyes too. He looked so helpless that a lump clogged my throat. “He’s gonna hurt her again, isn’t he?” he said in a shaky voice, “then he’s gonna hurt us.”
Pulling in a deep breath, I said, “He won’t. I swear it.” I pointed at my two younger brothers sitting lost and scared on that bed and I said, “Look after Lev, yeah? Try and keep him quiet.”
Austin nodded his head as I left the room, pulling the door to a close. My heart beat fast in my chest as the sound of my mamma’s screams came drifting down the hallway.
I could hear my papa cussing and my mamma begging him to stop. As I reached the end of the hallway, I saw my papa pinning my mamma to the floor, her face bloody as her hands tried to push my papa away.
Her eyes were closed, but like she could feel me standing here watching, they opened. Her gaze met mine and she slowly shook her head. I knew she wanted me to go away, I knew she wanted me to run and hide. But I couldn’t. He was hurting her, and I knew he’d come after my brothers next. I had to protect them. I had to make him want to hit just me.
Levi screamed from our bedroom just as Papa kicked Mamma in the stomach. Hearing the cries from the baby, my papa whipped round, his face fierce.
“That fucking kid!” he slurred, heading toward me.
He was going for my brothers… I couldn’t let him get to my brothers.
Stepping forward, my papa saw me and he tried to push me out of the way. “Move!” he snarled. But I didn’t. I looked to my mamma gasping for breath on the floor, her body curled in, I heard my baby brother crying in the bedroom, and heard Austin begging for him to stop.
Meeting my papa’s dark eyes, trying not to shake, I stepped forward again and watched a slow grin spread on his face. Nothing was said. Nothing was said as he raised his fist and hit me across my face. Nothing was said as he lifted me off the floor and threw me against the wall, my back cracking the thin plaster.
I tried to block it all out. I focused on my mamma and brothers crying... I focused on my papa using me as a punch bag so he wouldn’t go near them.
I didn’t know how long it lasted, this beating, but it felt like forever. Eventually Papa’s breathing slowed and his hits became weak and slow. He dropped me to the floor and I could taste blood running down my mouth.
I lay still praying this was the end of his anger, when the front door opened and slammed shut.
He’d gone… at least for now.
“Mio caro,” my mamma croaked and I lifted my head enough to see her pulling herself to her feet. Using my hands, I made myself stand and moved across the small room to help her walk.
“Help me to my room, mio caro,” she said on a whisper and, wrapping my arm around her waist, I helped her into her bedroom and into her bed.
I went into the bathroom and wet a cloth, bringing it back to wipe the blood off her face.
As I cleaned up her swollen lip, my mamma’s shaking hand lifted to run down my face. I flinched as her fingertips touched a cut on my cheek and tears fell down her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, mio caro,” she said painfully but I shook my head.
“It’s okay, Mamma, I’m not hurt.”
A sad smile pulled on her lips and her fingers ran through my hair. “Such a brave boy. You are hurt, yet you show no fear or pain.”
I pulled the cloth away from her lip so she wouldn’t feel my hands shake. I didn’t her want to know I was scared… that my face hurt. “I’m not hurt, mamma. I swear it.”
Mamma silently watched me and, all the time she cried I tried to not to cry too. I knew if I did it would break her heart, and I didn’t want to break her heart… she was already sad enough.
I only ever wanted to make her smile again.
I missed her smile.
“There, Mamma, you’re all clean now,” I said and Mamma lay back on her bed, holding her bruised stomach, but her sad eyes never left mine. I turned to go wash up in the bathroom when she reached out and grabbed my arm.
As I looked back, she said, “Axel, mio caro, you don’t always have to be so tough, so strong.”
Looking at my mamma broken on the bed, I said, “But I do. I have to protect you all from Papa no matter what.”
Mamma quietly gasped. “That is not your job, mio caro.”
I didn’t say anything and the trailer went silent. But then I heard Austin quietly singing Mamma’s favorite lullaby to Levi and I nodded my head. “Si, Mamma. This is my job. I need to look after you all, and I promise I always will… I’ll never let anyone hurt you or my brothers ever again. I will always keep you safe…”
*****
Thick tears fell down my cheeks, mixing with the cold rain as that memory played in my mind.
I will always keep you safe…
As I pictured Axel and Levi, I suddenly felt at peace. With me gone, they’d be safe. There’d be no more ties to our past. With me gone Austin’s new family would be safe and Levi wouldn’t be in any more pain.
I will always keep you safe…
Levi’s eyes snapped open at the noise and his little face screwed up as he began crying in my arms.
My gaze met Austin who was frozen in the doorway. “Take our fratellino,” I ordered. He ran forward and took Levi from my hands, then slumped down to our tiny shared bed.
A crash sounded in the TV room and Austin looked up at me, tears filling his eyes too. He looked so helpless that a lump clogged my throat. “He’s gonna hurt her again, isn’t he?” he said in a shaky voice, “then he’s gonna hurt us.”
Pulling in a deep breath, I said, “He won’t. I swear it.” I pointed at my two younger brothers sitting lost and scared on that bed and I said, “Look after Lev, yeah? Try and keep him quiet.”
Austin nodded his head as I left the room, pulling the door to a close. My heart beat fast in my chest as the sound of my mamma’s screams came drifting down the hallway.
I could hear my papa cussing and my mamma begging him to stop. As I reached the end of the hallway, I saw my papa pinning my mamma to the floor, her face bloody as her hands tried to push my papa away.
Her eyes were closed, but like she could feel me standing here watching, they opened. Her gaze met mine and she slowly shook her head. I knew she wanted me to go away, I knew she wanted me to run and hide. But I couldn’t. He was hurting her, and I knew he’d come after my brothers next. I had to protect them. I had to make him want to hit just me.
Levi screamed from our bedroom just as Papa kicked Mamma in the stomach. Hearing the cries from the baby, my papa whipped round, his face fierce.
“That fucking kid!” he slurred, heading toward me.
He was going for my brothers… I couldn’t let him get to my brothers.
Stepping forward, my papa saw me and he tried to push me out of the way. “Move!” he snarled. But I didn’t. I looked to my mamma gasping for breath on the floor, her body curled in, I heard my baby brother crying in the bedroom, and heard Austin begging for him to stop.
Meeting my papa’s dark eyes, trying not to shake, I stepped forward again and watched a slow grin spread on his face. Nothing was said. Nothing was said as he raised his fist and hit me across my face. Nothing was said as he lifted me off the floor and threw me against the wall, my back cracking the thin plaster.
I tried to block it all out. I focused on my mamma and brothers crying... I focused on my papa using me as a punch bag so he wouldn’t go near them.
I didn’t know how long it lasted, this beating, but it felt like forever. Eventually Papa’s breathing slowed and his hits became weak and slow. He dropped me to the floor and I could taste blood running down my mouth.
I lay still praying this was the end of his anger, when the front door opened and slammed shut.
He’d gone… at least for now.
“Mio caro,” my mamma croaked and I lifted my head enough to see her pulling herself to her feet. Using my hands, I made myself stand and moved across the small room to help her walk.
“Help me to my room, mio caro,” she said on a whisper and, wrapping my arm around her waist, I helped her into her bedroom and into her bed.
I went into the bathroom and wet a cloth, bringing it back to wipe the blood off her face.
As I cleaned up her swollen lip, my mamma’s shaking hand lifted to run down my face. I flinched as her fingertips touched a cut on my cheek and tears fell down her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, mio caro,” she said painfully but I shook my head.
“It’s okay, Mamma, I’m not hurt.”
A sad smile pulled on her lips and her fingers ran through my hair. “Such a brave boy. You are hurt, yet you show no fear or pain.”
I pulled the cloth away from her lip so she wouldn’t feel my hands shake. I didn’t her want to know I was scared… that my face hurt. “I’m not hurt, mamma. I swear it.”
Mamma silently watched me and, all the time she cried I tried to not to cry too. I knew if I did it would break her heart, and I didn’t want to break her heart… she was already sad enough.
I only ever wanted to make her smile again.
I missed her smile.
“There, Mamma, you’re all clean now,” I said and Mamma lay back on her bed, holding her bruised stomach, but her sad eyes never left mine. I turned to go wash up in the bathroom when she reached out and grabbed my arm.
As I looked back, she said, “Axel, mio caro, you don’t always have to be so tough, so strong.”
Looking at my mamma broken on the bed, I said, “But I do. I have to protect you all from Papa no matter what.”
Mamma quietly gasped. “That is not your job, mio caro.”
I didn’t say anything and the trailer went silent. But then I heard Austin quietly singing Mamma’s favorite lullaby to Levi and I nodded my head. “Si, Mamma. This is my job. I need to look after you all, and I promise I always will… I’ll never let anyone hurt you or my brothers ever again. I will always keep you safe…”
*****
Thick tears fell down my cheeks, mixing with the cold rain as that memory played in my mind.
I will always keep you safe…
As I pictured Axel and Levi, I suddenly felt at peace. With me gone, they’d be safe. There’d be no more ties to our past. With me gone Austin’s new family would be safe and Levi wouldn’t be in any more pain.
I will always keep you safe…
