Sweet Little Memories
Page 33
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“I’ll go. Because of Beulah. Not because of you.” That was why I had asked him. I knew he loved her. Because once you love Beulah it’s impossible to forget. To let go.
“That’s why I asked,” I replied.
Jasper ended the call and I sat there staring at the wall in front of me. I had no way of knowing when and if he ever found her. I would never know if she was safe. And then there was the sick fear that she’d remember why she loved him. That she would miss what she had with him. She would compare what we had and it wouldn’t be enough. She’d forget the reasons why it was wrong and she’d love him anyway. And she’d be gone forever.
Losing her was my fear from the beginning. To protect her, I had sent the one man to find her that could take her from me. Jasper could show her everything she was missing. But calling him was the only thing that made sense. Knowing she was safe and that she had a place to sleep was more important than not having her love. If I had to live without her, I would manage. But I couldn’t live knowing she’d needed saving and I had done nothing. This was all I could do right now. And I had to trust that I’d made the right decision—the one that would take care of her. The one that would assure she was safe until I could return and find out if there was a chance for us.
Beulah
IF IT WASN’T FOR HEIDI I would turn my phone off. Seeing Stone’s name on the screen had hurt, but he stopped calling me yesterday. It hurt that he was giving up so quickly. I shook my head frustrated at my train of thought. It was better that Stone was letting me go. If he knew about the baby he’d leave me anyway. I wasn’t going to be a burden to him and neither was my baby.
Fiona had also called several times yesterday and today. I felt guilty not answering her. She was worried when I left the other night. Eventually, I had told her it wasn’t just me I had to take care of, she’d stopped trying to talk me into staying. When she paused to think that through, I left.
My phone started ringing once again and I glanced down to see Jasper’s name. That had surprised me.
I turned my attention back to the interstate in front of me. I’d driven to Jacksonville, Florida the first night, finally pulling into a rest area with twenty-four-hour security to sleep in my car. Even with the security I had locked the doors and climbed into the back seat and covered my entire body.
I had slept seven hours with no interruptions. When the sun came up and the car began to get warm even with the windows cracked I woke up and used that day to explore the city. I wanted to figure out if this could be my new home.
Unfortunately, the city was huge and everywhere I went I felt unsafe. It was also too close to Savannah. After a day of studying the area, I went back to the same rest area and slept. This morning started my journey to I had no idea where. I got back on the road this morning had decided to turn west instead of continuing my southward path. I’d glanced at a map on my phone and saw that once I made it out of Florida on this interstate I would enter Alabama. Using gas meant I would be spending money, and the further I got from Heidi the more money I would spend to get back to her. I started looking at every city I passed wondering if this would be the one I where I’d be happy to live.
My phone made an odd sound and I checked it to find out what it was doing, but nothing looked out of the ordinary. The sign ahead said Tallahassee exits were coming up and I’d heard of Tallahassee. I decided to stop and get food to stop my stomach from growling.
I could Google Tallahassee to figure out if this could be a place where I found a home, a job, and would raise my child. So far, I had spent fifty dollars on gas and my tank was almost at a fourth of a tank. I had to be careful not to get much further away from Heidi.
Although she’d handled my having to leave because of the baby much better than I expected I could see the uncertainty and sadness in her eyes when we said our goodbyes. She was scared and I hated knowing I was leaving her. I would make it a point to visit more than once a month. Thinking about that made Tallahassee seem ideal as I planned my next step.
I pulled into the parking lot of a fast food chicken place and found a spot to park. My guilt over not answering Fiona was bothering me. I had a lot of guilt right now, I could at least alleviate that one.
I sent Fiona a text to reassure her I was safe and that I was where I had intended to stay. I thanked her for her friendship and added that I would miss all of them and hoped to one day see them again. Then I sent it. Feeling better about one person in my life, I put my phone down and reached into my purse to see how much cash I had. I was on a budget and normally food wasn’t something I would take into such careful consideration. I had to eat well because I wasn’t just eating for me. A candy bar and bottle of water wasn’t going to be a meal option now.
The money in my bank account was plenty to rent a small affordable studio apartment, pay for the utilities to be turned on and to buy food. That would only last two months at most. I had to find a job immediately. A job where I could work until I gave birth. If I could get a job with health insurance that would be even better, but I wasn’t going to get my hopes up. I knew I could qualify for state aid.
Taking out five dollars from my cash I got out of the car and walked inside to use the restroom and order myself some breakfast. The place was busy but it was one of the more popular fast food restaurants near the exit. I saw a mother with a baby on her hip and a toddler beside her holding his father’s hand. They were discussing what the kids wanted to eat. It looked easy. Or they made it look easy. Would it be so easy when it was just me standing there with my baby? No man to help carry the tray or hold the child while I went to the restroom. Little things like that. My mother had done it. But I couldn’t remember if it had been tough on her then. When we’d been little like that.
The line to the toilets wasn’t bad and I watched as a mother changed a diaper and another helped her toddler wash her hands. With each baby and child I saw I began to imagine my baby and how it would look. Through all the anxiety and worry there was excitement. I smiled as I finished up in there and followed a mom with a baby out back into the busy dining room.
Standing in line I had time to plan out what I would order using my five dollars efficiently. Grilled chicken and fresh apples with a glass of water was just under my budget. It was also the healthiest option I could find on the menu. I got it to go and headed back out to the parking lot. Eating in the peace of my car would be easier than finding a table in that crowd. However, I only took a few steps in the direction of my car and when my eyes focused and I saw the figure standing there. It was a man leaning against my car with serious expression. I blinked several times to see if I was seeing things. But even with the morning sun in my eyes it was clearly Jasper Van Allan standing next to my car.
“That’s why I asked,” I replied.
Jasper ended the call and I sat there staring at the wall in front of me. I had no way of knowing when and if he ever found her. I would never know if she was safe. And then there was the sick fear that she’d remember why she loved him. That she would miss what she had with him. She would compare what we had and it wouldn’t be enough. She’d forget the reasons why it was wrong and she’d love him anyway. And she’d be gone forever.
Losing her was my fear from the beginning. To protect her, I had sent the one man to find her that could take her from me. Jasper could show her everything she was missing. But calling him was the only thing that made sense. Knowing she was safe and that she had a place to sleep was more important than not having her love. If I had to live without her, I would manage. But I couldn’t live knowing she’d needed saving and I had done nothing. This was all I could do right now. And I had to trust that I’d made the right decision—the one that would take care of her. The one that would assure she was safe until I could return and find out if there was a chance for us.
Beulah
IF IT WASN’T FOR HEIDI I would turn my phone off. Seeing Stone’s name on the screen had hurt, but he stopped calling me yesterday. It hurt that he was giving up so quickly. I shook my head frustrated at my train of thought. It was better that Stone was letting me go. If he knew about the baby he’d leave me anyway. I wasn’t going to be a burden to him and neither was my baby.
Fiona had also called several times yesterday and today. I felt guilty not answering her. She was worried when I left the other night. Eventually, I had told her it wasn’t just me I had to take care of, she’d stopped trying to talk me into staying. When she paused to think that through, I left.
My phone started ringing once again and I glanced down to see Jasper’s name. That had surprised me.
I turned my attention back to the interstate in front of me. I’d driven to Jacksonville, Florida the first night, finally pulling into a rest area with twenty-four-hour security to sleep in my car. Even with the security I had locked the doors and climbed into the back seat and covered my entire body.
I had slept seven hours with no interruptions. When the sun came up and the car began to get warm even with the windows cracked I woke up and used that day to explore the city. I wanted to figure out if this could be my new home.
Unfortunately, the city was huge and everywhere I went I felt unsafe. It was also too close to Savannah. After a day of studying the area, I went back to the same rest area and slept. This morning started my journey to I had no idea where. I got back on the road this morning had decided to turn west instead of continuing my southward path. I’d glanced at a map on my phone and saw that once I made it out of Florida on this interstate I would enter Alabama. Using gas meant I would be spending money, and the further I got from Heidi the more money I would spend to get back to her. I started looking at every city I passed wondering if this would be the one I where I’d be happy to live.
My phone made an odd sound and I checked it to find out what it was doing, but nothing looked out of the ordinary. The sign ahead said Tallahassee exits were coming up and I’d heard of Tallahassee. I decided to stop and get food to stop my stomach from growling.
I could Google Tallahassee to figure out if this could be a place where I found a home, a job, and would raise my child. So far, I had spent fifty dollars on gas and my tank was almost at a fourth of a tank. I had to be careful not to get much further away from Heidi.
Although she’d handled my having to leave because of the baby much better than I expected I could see the uncertainty and sadness in her eyes when we said our goodbyes. She was scared and I hated knowing I was leaving her. I would make it a point to visit more than once a month. Thinking about that made Tallahassee seem ideal as I planned my next step.
I pulled into the parking lot of a fast food chicken place and found a spot to park. My guilt over not answering Fiona was bothering me. I had a lot of guilt right now, I could at least alleviate that one.
I sent Fiona a text to reassure her I was safe and that I was where I had intended to stay. I thanked her for her friendship and added that I would miss all of them and hoped to one day see them again. Then I sent it. Feeling better about one person in my life, I put my phone down and reached into my purse to see how much cash I had. I was on a budget and normally food wasn’t something I would take into such careful consideration. I had to eat well because I wasn’t just eating for me. A candy bar and bottle of water wasn’t going to be a meal option now.
The money in my bank account was plenty to rent a small affordable studio apartment, pay for the utilities to be turned on and to buy food. That would only last two months at most. I had to find a job immediately. A job where I could work until I gave birth. If I could get a job with health insurance that would be even better, but I wasn’t going to get my hopes up. I knew I could qualify for state aid.
Taking out five dollars from my cash I got out of the car and walked inside to use the restroom and order myself some breakfast. The place was busy but it was one of the more popular fast food restaurants near the exit. I saw a mother with a baby on her hip and a toddler beside her holding his father’s hand. They were discussing what the kids wanted to eat. It looked easy. Or they made it look easy. Would it be so easy when it was just me standing there with my baby? No man to help carry the tray or hold the child while I went to the restroom. Little things like that. My mother had done it. But I couldn’t remember if it had been tough on her then. When we’d been little like that.
The line to the toilets wasn’t bad and I watched as a mother changed a diaper and another helped her toddler wash her hands. With each baby and child I saw I began to imagine my baby and how it would look. Through all the anxiety and worry there was excitement. I smiled as I finished up in there and followed a mom with a baby out back into the busy dining room.
Standing in line I had time to plan out what I would order using my five dollars efficiently. Grilled chicken and fresh apples with a glass of water was just under my budget. It was also the healthiest option I could find on the menu. I got it to go and headed back out to the parking lot. Eating in the peace of my car would be easier than finding a table in that crowd. However, I only took a few steps in the direction of my car and when my eyes focused and I saw the figure standing there. It was a man leaning against my car with serious expression. I blinked several times to see if I was seeing things. But even with the morning sun in my eyes it was clearly Jasper Van Allan standing next to my car.
