Sweet Little Memories
Page 5
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“Running doesn’t wake up the fucking building at six in the morning,” Fiona shot back.
The girl shrugged. “I have no time the rest of the day.” She reminded me of Barbie. When she turned her attention to me she smiled. “It’s nice to meet you Beulah. I’m Chantel. Sorry if I woke you.”
“You woke up Satan himself with that crap. Of course you woke her,” Fiona grumbled. She turned and gave me an apologetic smile. “Would you like coffee?”
“No, I need to get ready for work. But thank you for last night and letting me stay here. I really appreciate it.”
Fiona reached into her back pocket, pulled out a letter and handed it to me. “Stone dropped this off.”
I looked at the envelope and my hand trembled as I took it. He wasn’t upstairs. He’d left me a note. I felt sick again and I wanted to run from the letter. I didn’t want to open it knowing it would bring pain. Nothing good could come of this. I knew if I went back to the bedroom and curled up on the floor it wouldn’t make the letter cease to exist.
“When did he leave it with you?” I asked as my voice gave away my obvious fear.
“Early, about five.”
I nodded and stood there staring at the envelope. I had to open it, but doing that in front of two people I hardly knew made me feel even more vulnerable. Then again, opening it alone was terrifying. I needed Stone here. I had learned to depend on him. Even though he was causing my excruciating pain, I still wanted him to be there to help me deal with whatever the truth was.
“You can read it in the kitchen,” Fiona said softly.
“That bastard better not be ending shit in a letter. That’s fucking low. I don’t care who he is, that won’t stand.” Chantel sounded outraged.
I decided to open it and face whatever his message was with them here. Maybe if they watched over me I wouldn’t fold up or shatter. I would hold it together for appearance sake. Before Stone, I had learned to be strong and trust myself. That girl was still inside me.
Sliding the letter out, I hoped they didn’t notice the way my hands were shaking. He had folded it three times. I took my time unfolding it because I knew once I had, I’d be forced to read his words. Words that could destroy me. Words that I would never recover from. Words he should have said to me last night and not in a letter he left with Fiona this morning.
His handwriting was neat and small. I stared hard as it all blurred together, blinking several times until I could focus and read.
Beulah,
Spend the day with Heidi today. Geraldine has a friend visiting from Maine. She will be there for the next three days. You won’t be needed while Geraldine has company.
I will be in Manhattan. Not sure when I will return. The apartment is yours to use.
Stone
That was all he wrote. There was nothing more—no answers, no promises and no I love you. He wasn’t trying to keep me. He wasn’t fighting like Jasper had fought when we ended. Stone was simply disappearing, and at the same time, leaving me behind.
I didn’t read his words again. Instead, I folded the letter back the way it had been, slid it into the envelope and held it in my hand tightly. This was my answer. He was giving me space and time to move on. He didn’t want to make me leave, but he was paving the road for me to leave on my own.
“Are you okay?” Fiona’s voice snapped my attention back to the here and now. I’d forgotten they were there.
I forced a tight smile. “I’m not sure I ever will be,” I replied honestly.
“Did that piece of shit break up with you in a letter?” Chantel sounded furious.
My lips started to quiver, but I pressed them together to stop that immediately. “No.”
“Do you need to stay here?” Fiona asked.
“No, but thank you. I have to figure out what my next steps are. He’s giving me time to do that.”
“He did break up with you!” Chantel was beyond angry.
Breaking up with me would have been easier than this. At least there would have been interaction. There would have been tears. Maybe there would have been yelling. But this? This letter held no emotion. It was a cold, empty . . . the end.
Beulah
HEIDI’S SMILE WAS THE FIRST bit of warmth I’d felt since Jasper had shown up at Stone’s. My chest wasn’t as hollow with her beside me. She had been chatting happily about the baby blankets she was learning to crochet and how they would be making them and sending them to the “babies that were cold.” A nurse who had been working in the activities room at the time told me about a homeless shelter for abused pregnant women. The blankets were for the women their small children that lived at the shelter.
Another reason I loved this place. They not only took care of Heidi but gave her things of importance to do. She loved crochet and doing something useful meant so much to her.
“I’m so proud of my new washcloths.” She’d given me four since my arrival—all her favorites that she’d saved for me.
“Keep them safe. I won’t be making more until after Christmas. I need to make these babies blankets.” She was suddenly very serious and my heart squeezed.
“The blankets are incredibly important and needed. I know those mothers are very thankful for the blankets you make,” I assured her.
She nodded her head empathically. “Those babies don’t have a home. Their momma’s need things. I wish I could make them clothes.” She looked so sad suddenly. She had no idea she’d been an unwanted baby once upon a time. Portia had wanted for nothing and gave her baby away to a much less fortunate home. And forgotten about her. Feeling hatred for Portia would have overcome me if I didn’t know Heidi had been loved fiercely by the mother she had been given to.
“May takes too long of naps,” Heidi grumbled suddenly changing the subject.
“May was sick last week. She needs the extra rest,” I reminded her.
Heidi shrugged then just that quickly her smile returned. “When you come tomorrow are you bringing cookies?”
I had surprised her today and told her I would be back tomorrow. She had spent five minutes jumping up and down clapping her hands. Watching her do that had helped ease my despair. She reminded me that I couldn’t fall apart. Heidi was always my source of joy. She would never fully understand that. More than once she had saved me from my sorrow. Losing our mother had been the hardest point in my life, but having Heidi helped me make it through each day after.
The girl shrugged. “I have no time the rest of the day.” She reminded me of Barbie. When she turned her attention to me she smiled. “It’s nice to meet you Beulah. I’m Chantel. Sorry if I woke you.”
“You woke up Satan himself with that crap. Of course you woke her,” Fiona grumbled. She turned and gave me an apologetic smile. “Would you like coffee?”
“No, I need to get ready for work. But thank you for last night and letting me stay here. I really appreciate it.”
Fiona reached into her back pocket, pulled out a letter and handed it to me. “Stone dropped this off.”
I looked at the envelope and my hand trembled as I took it. He wasn’t upstairs. He’d left me a note. I felt sick again and I wanted to run from the letter. I didn’t want to open it knowing it would bring pain. Nothing good could come of this. I knew if I went back to the bedroom and curled up on the floor it wouldn’t make the letter cease to exist.
“When did he leave it with you?” I asked as my voice gave away my obvious fear.
“Early, about five.”
I nodded and stood there staring at the envelope. I had to open it, but doing that in front of two people I hardly knew made me feel even more vulnerable. Then again, opening it alone was terrifying. I needed Stone here. I had learned to depend on him. Even though he was causing my excruciating pain, I still wanted him to be there to help me deal with whatever the truth was.
“You can read it in the kitchen,” Fiona said softly.
“That bastard better not be ending shit in a letter. That’s fucking low. I don’t care who he is, that won’t stand.” Chantel sounded outraged.
I decided to open it and face whatever his message was with them here. Maybe if they watched over me I wouldn’t fold up or shatter. I would hold it together for appearance sake. Before Stone, I had learned to be strong and trust myself. That girl was still inside me.
Sliding the letter out, I hoped they didn’t notice the way my hands were shaking. He had folded it three times. I took my time unfolding it because I knew once I had, I’d be forced to read his words. Words that could destroy me. Words that I would never recover from. Words he should have said to me last night and not in a letter he left with Fiona this morning.
His handwriting was neat and small. I stared hard as it all blurred together, blinking several times until I could focus and read.
Beulah,
Spend the day with Heidi today. Geraldine has a friend visiting from Maine. She will be there for the next three days. You won’t be needed while Geraldine has company.
I will be in Manhattan. Not sure when I will return. The apartment is yours to use.
Stone
That was all he wrote. There was nothing more—no answers, no promises and no I love you. He wasn’t trying to keep me. He wasn’t fighting like Jasper had fought when we ended. Stone was simply disappearing, and at the same time, leaving me behind.
I didn’t read his words again. Instead, I folded the letter back the way it had been, slid it into the envelope and held it in my hand tightly. This was my answer. He was giving me space and time to move on. He didn’t want to make me leave, but he was paving the road for me to leave on my own.
“Are you okay?” Fiona’s voice snapped my attention back to the here and now. I’d forgotten they were there.
I forced a tight smile. “I’m not sure I ever will be,” I replied honestly.
“Did that piece of shit break up with you in a letter?” Chantel sounded furious.
My lips started to quiver, but I pressed them together to stop that immediately. “No.”
“Do you need to stay here?” Fiona asked.
“No, but thank you. I have to figure out what my next steps are. He’s giving me time to do that.”
“He did break up with you!” Chantel was beyond angry.
Breaking up with me would have been easier than this. At least there would have been interaction. There would have been tears. Maybe there would have been yelling. But this? This letter held no emotion. It was a cold, empty . . . the end.
Beulah
HEIDI’S SMILE WAS THE FIRST bit of warmth I’d felt since Jasper had shown up at Stone’s. My chest wasn’t as hollow with her beside me. She had been chatting happily about the baby blankets she was learning to crochet and how they would be making them and sending them to the “babies that were cold.” A nurse who had been working in the activities room at the time told me about a homeless shelter for abused pregnant women. The blankets were for the women their small children that lived at the shelter.
Another reason I loved this place. They not only took care of Heidi but gave her things of importance to do. She loved crochet and doing something useful meant so much to her.
“I’m so proud of my new washcloths.” She’d given me four since my arrival—all her favorites that she’d saved for me.
“Keep them safe. I won’t be making more until after Christmas. I need to make these babies blankets.” She was suddenly very serious and my heart squeezed.
“The blankets are incredibly important and needed. I know those mothers are very thankful for the blankets you make,” I assured her.
She nodded her head empathically. “Those babies don’t have a home. Their momma’s need things. I wish I could make them clothes.” She looked so sad suddenly. She had no idea she’d been an unwanted baby once upon a time. Portia had wanted for nothing and gave her baby away to a much less fortunate home. And forgotten about her. Feeling hatred for Portia would have overcome me if I didn’t know Heidi had been loved fiercely by the mother she had been given to.
“May takes too long of naps,” Heidi grumbled suddenly changing the subject.
“May was sick last week. She needs the extra rest,” I reminded her.
Heidi shrugged then just that quickly her smile returned. “When you come tomorrow are you bringing cookies?”
I had surprised her today and told her I would be back tomorrow. She had spent five minutes jumping up and down clapping her hands. Watching her do that had helped ease my despair. She reminded me that I couldn’t fall apart. Heidi was always my source of joy. She would never fully understand that. More than once she had saved me from my sorrow. Losing our mother had been the hardest point in my life, but having Heidi helped me make it through each day after.
