Clara nodded and took a drink of juice. She didn’t say anything else as many minutes ticked by. But neither did I. I heard Lexi’s voice before she entered the room, and I turned to see her arrive in the doorway, a hesitant smile on her face. “You ready to go, sweetie?” she asked.
I nodded my head, and rested my hand on Clara’s arm. Clara turned to me, and I signed, “I have to go now. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Clara nodded.
I got to my feet, readying to move, when I stopped and signed, “I know how you feel, Clara. I understand how it feels. How it feels to be on the receiving end of hate. To be hurt by others for no reason.” I patted my hand on my chest and signed again. “I understand. You can talk to me.”
Clara’s eyes filled with tears, and she dropped her head, but I caught her soft nod. Laying my hand on her shoulder, I signed, “Goodbye,” and walked to Lexi who led me out to the parked car.
When we got inside, I couldn’t get Clara from my mind. I couldn’t get how alone she must feel from my head. I couldn’t rid my mind of the deep sadness in her stare, and I couldn’t rid myself of the fear, of the hopelessness in her words.
“You okay, sweetie?” Lexi asked. I blinked back the blur from my eyes realizing we were already on the road, driving home.
I nodded my head, then said, “She was so sad, Lexi. She… she was so hurt and in pain.” I pressed my hand over my stomach. “It caused me pain to see her that hurt.”
Lexi sighed. “Honey?”
I lifted my gaze to Lexi. “Yeah?”
“She’s like you.”
My heart fired off, its beat coming too fast. “What do you mean?”
“You have the same sadness in your eyes as Clara when I look at you. You seem to be carrying the same pain inside you as she does.”
Lexi’s words stabbed me like daggers. Clara’s lost expression filled my mind. I was like that? I asked myself. I thought of Clara’s hesitation as she spoke, of the darkness that hovered over her like a rain cloud. And I knew, deep down, I was like her.
I shuffled on my seat, the realization making feel uncomfortable. “How,” I cleared my thick throat, “how did she try to kill herself?”
Lexi tensed. “How do you know she tried to commit suicide?”
Without conscious thought, I ran my hand over my left wrist, over the wide silver cuff that I never took off, and admitted, “I can see it in her eyes.”
“The first time it was pills—”
“The first time?” I interrupted. Lexi sadly nodded her head.
“Yes. The second, she tried to gas herself. Her stepdad found her in their garage with the car switched on, the garage door shut and a pipe from the exhaust coming through the door’s window.” Lexi shook her head. “She’d left him a note explaining how she couldn’t go back to school, that she couldn’t cope with being the target of her bullies for one more day.” Lexi turned to me when we stopped at a red light. “It was the first time he’d even heard she was being bullied. The school hadn’t said a thing. They didn’t even know. And that’s the problem we’re facing most days—the fact that schools can’t see everything that’s happening under their noses, and that those being hurt and torn apart each day rarely tell anyone what’s happening. It might be embarrassment, shame or fear, but most of our kids in the center never told a single soul that they were going through hell. They simply suffered alone, until they couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I know. Like me,” I whispered. I shot a worried glance to Lexi who had started to drive again. She exhaled through her nose, but didn’t say anything in response. She placed her hand in mine and held it all the way home. No judgment or questions… she was simply there for me.
When the car pulled to a stop, she asked, “I’m back there tomorrow at eight if you want to come and see Clara again?”
“Yes,” I answered immediately.
Lexi nodded, then just as I was about to leave the car, she said, “I found you on the missing persons register, Elsie.” All of the blood inside me cooled to ice and my hand froze on the door handle. “The minute we discovered your name, I searched for you and found an entry for Elsie Hall from Portland, Oregon.”
I sucked in a strained breath.
“I announced you found, though from what I can tell, you have no family. The missing person’s report was made by a Susan Addison, she runs a group home for girls on the outskirts of Portland. It was made a few months before you turned seventeen. The case was still open when we brought you back here. It was filed when you ran from hospital, never to return.”
My whole being trembled with fear, with the fear that Lexi knew my past. A hand pressed on my back causing me to jump. Still I didn’t turn round. I couldn’t. I was paralyzed with fear.
“I haven’t told Levi. It’s not my place to say a thing to anyone.” Lexi took a deep breath and continued. “I have an idea what you have been through, Elsie. As in, I can piece together what might have happened to you in your past. I’ve seen the reports from when you were taken into care, and why. That’s your pain and this is your journey to find peace.” She moved her hand. “But you have a boy in that pool house who I believe is already head over heels in love with you, even if he hasn’t said so himself. And if I’m not mistaken, I think that you love him back.” I closed my eyes and fought back the rush of emotion welling to the surface.
Lexi sighed. “He’d understand, Elsie. Believe me. I don’t know what you know of Levi’s past, of any of ours, but he would understand. Talk to him, use that beautiful voice you keep hidden to confide in him. Believe me when I say, from personal experience, the moment you let your demons free, they don’t haunt you quite so much. And love does help; it ain’t a cure, but it’s the beginning of the path to healing.”
Lexi went quiet, and I forced myself to turn to face her. She was smiling at me and I could see the kindness in her heart shining through her green eyes. “I can’t… I can’t face talking about it all, Lexi,” I whispered.
Her head tipped to the side in understanding. “I know, sweetie. But with trust and time, hopefully we can help you through. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to see the rainbow after the storm.”
Leaning over the seat, Lexi pressed a kiss to my head. Movement from the front door caught my eye, and I saw Austin walk out wearing a t-shirt and jeans, with his sleeping son in his arms. I watched Lexi’s expression melt when she saw her husband standing there, waiting to welcome her home.
“We healed each other,” Lexi said, without removing her attention from her husband. “We were both lost and knocked down, but we held on tight, and raised each other from the ashes. He brought me my rainbow, Elsie,” she huffed a loving laugh and said, “he brought me the stars.”
I didn’t know what that reference meant, but I could feel the magnitude of what he meant to her. Lexi slipped out of the car and I did too. I walked to the back gate, staying out of sight. I glanced back, seeing Austin, with his gang tattoos and intimidating stature, taking Lexi in his arms and pressing a soft kiss on her mouth.
He brought me the stars…
I nodded my head, and rested my hand on Clara’s arm. Clara turned to me, and I signed, “I have to go now. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Clara nodded.
I got to my feet, readying to move, when I stopped and signed, “I know how you feel, Clara. I understand how it feels. How it feels to be on the receiving end of hate. To be hurt by others for no reason.” I patted my hand on my chest and signed again. “I understand. You can talk to me.”
Clara’s eyes filled with tears, and she dropped her head, but I caught her soft nod. Laying my hand on her shoulder, I signed, “Goodbye,” and walked to Lexi who led me out to the parked car.
When we got inside, I couldn’t get Clara from my mind. I couldn’t get how alone she must feel from my head. I couldn’t rid my mind of the deep sadness in her stare, and I couldn’t rid myself of the fear, of the hopelessness in her words.
“You okay, sweetie?” Lexi asked. I blinked back the blur from my eyes realizing we were already on the road, driving home.
I nodded my head, then said, “She was so sad, Lexi. She… she was so hurt and in pain.” I pressed my hand over my stomach. “It caused me pain to see her that hurt.”
Lexi sighed. “Honey?”
I lifted my gaze to Lexi. “Yeah?”
“She’s like you.”
My heart fired off, its beat coming too fast. “What do you mean?”
“You have the same sadness in your eyes as Clara when I look at you. You seem to be carrying the same pain inside you as she does.”
Lexi’s words stabbed me like daggers. Clara’s lost expression filled my mind. I was like that? I asked myself. I thought of Clara’s hesitation as she spoke, of the darkness that hovered over her like a rain cloud. And I knew, deep down, I was like her.
I shuffled on my seat, the realization making feel uncomfortable. “How,” I cleared my thick throat, “how did she try to kill herself?”
Lexi tensed. “How do you know she tried to commit suicide?”
Without conscious thought, I ran my hand over my left wrist, over the wide silver cuff that I never took off, and admitted, “I can see it in her eyes.”
“The first time it was pills—”
“The first time?” I interrupted. Lexi sadly nodded her head.
“Yes. The second, she tried to gas herself. Her stepdad found her in their garage with the car switched on, the garage door shut and a pipe from the exhaust coming through the door’s window.” Lexi shook her head. “She’d left him a note explaining how she couldn’t go back to school, that she couldn’t cope with being the target of her bullies for one more day.” Lexi turned to me when we stopped at a red light. “It was the first time he’d even heard she was being bullied. The school hadn’t said a thing. They didn’t even know. And that’s the problem we’re facing most days—the fact that schools can’t see everything that’s happening under their noses, and that those being hurt and torn apart each day rarely tell anyone what’s happening. It might be embarrassment, shame or fear, but most of our kids in the center never told a single soul that they were going through hell. They simply suffered alone, until they couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I know. Like me,” I whispered. I shot a worried glance to Lexi who had started to drive again. She exhaled through her nose, but didn’t say anything in response. She placed her hand in mine and held it all the way home. No judgment or questions… she was simply there for me.
When the car pulled to a stop, she asked, “I’m back there tomorrow at eight if you want to come and see Clara again?”
“Yes,” I answered immediately.
Lexi nodded, then just as I was about to leave the car, she said, “I found you on the missing persons register, Elsie.” All of the blood inside me cooled to ice and my hand froze on the door handle. “The minute we discovered your name, I searched for you and found an entry for Elsie Hall from Portland, Oregon.”
I sucked in a strained breath.
“I announced you found, though from what I can tell, you have no family. The missing person’s report was made by a Susan Addison, she runs a group home for girls on the outskirts of Portland. It was made a few months before you turned seventeen. The case was still open when we brought you back here. It was filed when you ran from hospital, never to return.”
My whole being trembled with fear, with the fear that Lexi knew my past. A hand pressed on my back causing me to jump. Still I didn’t turn round. I couldn’t. I was paralyzed with fear.
“I haven’t told Levi. It’s not my place to say a thing to anyone.” Lexi took a deep breath and continued. “I have an idea what you have been through, Elsie. As in, I can piece together what might have happened to you in your past. I’ve seen the reports from when you were taken into care, and why. That’s your pain and this is your journey to find peace.” She moved her hand. “But you have a boy in that pool house who I believe is already head over heels in love with you, even if he hasn’t said so himself. And if I’m not mistaken, I think that you love him back.” I closed my eyes and fought back the rush of emotion welling to the surface.
Lexi sighed. “He’d understand, Elsie. Believe me. I don’t know what you know of Levi’s past, of any of ours, but he would understand. Talk to him, use that beautiful voice you keep hidden to confide in him. Believe me when I say, from personal experience, the moment you let your demons free, they don’t haunt you quite so much. And love does help; it ain’t a cure, but it’s the beginning of the path to healing.”
Lexi went quiet, and I forced myself to turn to face her. She was smiling at me and I could see the kindness in her heart shining through her green eyes. “I can’t… I can’t face talking about it all, Lexi,” I whispered.
Her head tipped to the side in understanding. “I know, sweetie. But with trust and time, hopefully we can help you through. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to see the rainbow after the storm.”
Leaning over the seat, Lexi pressed a kiss to my head. Movement from the front door caught my eye, and I saw Austin walk out wearing a t-shirt and jeans, with his sleeping son in his arms. I watched Lexi’s expression melt when she saw her husband standing there, waiting to welcome her home.
“We healed each other,” Lexi said, without removing her attention from her husband. “We were both lost and knocked down, but we held on tight, and raised each other from the ashes. He brought me my rainbow, Elsie,” she huffed a loving laugh and said, “he brought me the stars.”
I didn’t know what that reference meant, but I could feel the magnitude of what he meant to her. Lexi slipped out of the car and I did too. I walked to the back gate, staying out of sight. I glanced back, seeing Austin, with his gang tattoos and intimidating stature, taking Lexi in his arms and pressing a soft kiss on her mouth.
He brought me the stars…
