Because I hadn’t, their words were still lodged in my mind, they held the knives still piercing my heart.
Still.
After all this time.
I had to begin to try.
Tonight, I would try.
“Elsie?” Levi pushed, and when I looked about the room, I realized that all of the people had already taken their seats.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I rushed forward.
Levi pulled me back, kept me still and cupped my face. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting strange since we got here.”
“It’s just nerves,” I replied, taking hold of his wrists. “I’ll be fine. I…” I drew in a breath. “I’m going to try tonight.”
Pride engulfed Levi’s expression. “I’m so proud of you, bella mia,” he rasped. “So proud.”
I fell into his chest, when Jake appeared at the doorway. “Alabama, you best get in here. Coach is about to start and you know your ass’ll be doing sprints into senior year if you come in late.”
“We’re coming,” Levi called in response and pulled me, hands clasped together, into the room. My feet faltered at the sheer number of people filling the huge space. But Levi kept tight hold as he threaded us through to the table. And he didn’t let me go as many pairs of eyes stared at me—the girl that had won Levi’s heart.
A hand signaled which was our table, and I saw it was Jake. When we arrived at the table, there were two empty chairs, our names written on place cards. We quickly moved to sit down when the coach stepped on to the small stage. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized I was sitting beside Stacey. Harper sat beside her and the other girls I had briefly met were on her other side.
Stacey leaned in close. “I refused to sit with Jake in place of sitting with the girls. I see him all the damn time.”
I laughed with Stacey, shrugging at the fact she’d refused to sit with her boyfriend. Then Levi’s hand squeezed my own. “You okay?” he mouthed. I melted, knowing that he mouthed the question because he was sitting on my deaf side.
I nodded my head. Coach started talking about the rest of the season. He referenced certain players’ efforts, in particular Levi’s school record for receiving yards and touchdowns scored. Levi ducked his head in embarrassment as the coach focused the spotlight on him. This time it was my hand that held his steady. He shook his head at being the center of attention, and I laughed when his friends wouldn’t let him live it down.
The coach sat down and, after prayer, announced the beginning of the meal. The people on our table chatted amongst themselves, until Stacey sat forward looking my way. “So, Elsie, how did you meet Lev? We didn’t even know he was dating anyone until we saw you at the game.”
Even though Stacey seemed friendly enough, my throat clogged. It clogged when the other girls became silent, joining the clamor, all waiting for my response.
I opened my mouth, willing the words to flow, but I coughed and shifted on my seat when the panic held them back.
“Family friend,” I heard said from beside me, and turned to see that Levi had spoken for me, rescued me. I adored him at that moment, my heart falling for him just that little bit more—if that was at all possible.
Stacey glanced to Levi and then back to me. “Nice. And are you from Seattle, Elsie, or are you from Bama too?”
“Portland,” Levi answered and Stacey laughed.
“Levi Carillo, are you going to answer every question I ask Elsie or are you gonna let your girlfriend actually speak for herself?”
Levi froze, and I could see him struggling to find an answer to help me. My heart thudded too quickly and I could feel the panic setting in. But I pushed through it all to say, “He’s just trying to help me, that’s all.”
I saw it the second I spoke. Everyone was watching me that little bit closer. I saw Harper and the girls on the other side of the table glance at each other. I knew, because I’d always known that my different sound was more pronounced. It was more than Levi let on, but he cared for me, I was his girl, he probably didn’t hear it the same.
“Oh, I,” Stacey sputtered clearly uncomfortable, and I laid my hand on hers.
I freed my hand from Levi’s, then tapped my left ear. “I’m deaf in my left ear and partially in my right. So Levi sometimes helps me with communication.”
I felt eyes on me, and I wanted to do nothing more than run away and escape their collective judgment. Stacey looked to Jake and shook her head in disappointment. “You hear that, Jakey? See how much Levi does for Elsie, and I can’t even get you to make me a damn cup of coffee on a morning!”
Levi’s friends laughed when Jake scowled at his girlfriend. Stacey batted her hand and said, “You’ve got a good one there, Elsie. Don’t let him go.”
I turned to Levi, smiling. “I won’t,” I whispered and leaned in closer. “He’s my everything.”
I didn’t know if anyone else was listening, because I was too busy feeling the kiss that Levi was placing on my upturned mouth, then he declared, “You have no idea how proud of you I am right now.”
I kissed him again, and happily listened to the conversations around the table. I didn’t really participate for the next hour, but I didn’t mind. Because I’d taken a chance and it hadn’t backfired. Yes, the stares hurt, as did the uncomfortable silences. But I’d fought the voices in my head. I’d made my first move to victory.
I couldn’t wait to tell Clara. Couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d begun the fight.
When the dishes were cleared, Coach rounded up all of the team for a team photo. I panicked when Levi had to leave me, but Stacey stayed beside me even when her friends all went into the entrance room to get more drinks.
I watched from the table as the coaching staff began positioning the players into rows. I smiled at Levi standing to the back of the waiting team between Jake and Ashton, listening to them talk yet saying nothing to contribute.
My sweet shy guy.
“You’re both kinda fucking cute together, you know?”
I turned to Stacey and felt my cheeks heat. “He’s saved me. He’s good for me. We’re good for each other.”
“I can see that,” she said. I held back a laugh when Coach made Levi stand front and center. “He’s the star here at UW,” Stacey informed. “You good with all the attention he gets?”
I faced Stacey and shrugged. “I don’t go to school here. I… I have been working at a treatment center, so I don’t see any of it apart from the games.”
Stacey nodded. “But Levi’s clearly headed to the NFL, then that’ll be his life. Look at his brother and the adulation he receives. Their lives become a circus.”
My head whipped back to Levi and I felt my heart sink. I remembered Lexi mentioned this to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead. I hadn’t let myself think about how our lives could be if we were still together and he made it to the next level; what people might find out about my past… that they might expect me to talk.
And that would be too much. Speaking to friends was one thing, but to be public…
“Elsie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just making conversation.”
Still.
After all this time.
I had to begin to try.
Tonight, I would try.
“Elsie?” Levi pushed, and when I looked about the room, I realized that all of the people had already taken their seats.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I rushed forward.
Levi pulled me back, kept me still and cupped my face. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting strange since we got here.”
“It’s just nerves,” I replied, taking hold of his wrists. “I’ll be fine. I…” I drew in a breath. “I’m going to try tonight.”
Pride engulfed Levi’s expression. “I’m so proud of you, bella mia,” he rasped. “So proud.”
I fell into his chest, when Jake appeared at the doorway. “Alabama, you best get in here. Coach is about to start and you know your ass’ll be doing sprints into senior year if you come in late.”
“We’re coming,” Levi called in response and pulled me, hands clasped together, into the room. My feet faltered at the sheer number of people filling the huge space. But Levi kept tight hold as he threaded us through to the table. And he didn’t let me go as many pairs of eyes stared at me—the girl that had won Levi’s heart.
A hand signaled which was our table, and I saw it was Jake. When we arrived at the table, there were two empty chairs, our names written on place cards. We quickly moved to sit down when the coach stepped on to the small stage. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized I was sitting beside Stacey. Harper sat beside her and the other girls I had briefly met were on her other side.
Stacey leaned in close. “I refused to sit with Jake in place of sitting with the girls. I see him all the damn time.”
I laughed with Stacey, shrugging at the fact she’d refused to sit with her boyfriend. Then Levi’s hand squeezed my own. “You okay?” he mouthed. I melted, knowing that he mouthed the question because he was sitting on my deaf side.
I nodded my head. Coach started talking about the rest of the season. He referenced certain players’ efforts, in particular Levi’s school record for receiving yards and touchdowns scored. Levi ducked his head in embarrassment as the coach focused the spotlight on him. This time it was my hand that held his steady. He shook his head at being the center of attention, and I laughed when his friends wouldn’t let him live it down.
The coach sat down and, after prayer, announced the beginning of the meal. The people on our table chatted amongst themselves, until Stacey sat forward looking my way. “So, Elsie, how did you meet Lev? We didn’t even know he was dating anyone until we saw you at the game.”
Even though Stacey seemed friendly enough, my throat clogged. It clogged when the other girls became silent, joining the clamor, all waiting for my response.
I opened my mouth, willing the words to flow, but I coughed and shifted on my seat when the panic held them back.
“Family friend,” I heard said from beside me, and turned to see that Levi had spoken for me, rescued me. I adored him at that moment, my heart falling for him just that little bit more—if that was at all possible.
Stacey glanced to Levi and then back to me. “Nice. And are you from Seattle, Elsie, or are you from Bama too?”
“Portland,” Levi answered and Stacey laughed.
“Levi Carillo, are you going to answer every question I ask Elsie or are you gonna let your girlfriend actually speak for herself?”
Levi froze, and I could see him struggling to find an answer to help me. My heart thudded too quickly and I could feel the panic setting in. But I pushed through it all to say, “He’s just trying to help me, that’s all.”
I saw it the second I spoke. Everyone was watching me that little bit closer. I saw Harper and the girls on the other side of the table glance at each other. I knew, because I’d always known that my different sound was more pronounced. It was more than Levi let on, but he cared for me, I was his girl, he probably didn’t hear it the same.
“Oh, I,” Stacey sputtered clearly uncomfortable, and I laid my hand on hers.
I freed my hand from Levi’s, then tapped my left ear. “I’m deaf in my left ear and partially in my right. So Levi sometimes helps me with communication.”
I felt eyes on me, and I wanted to do nothing more than run away and escape their collective judgment. Stacey looked to Jake and shook her head in disappointment. “You hear that, Jakey? See how much Levi does for Elsie, and I can’t even get you to make me a damn cup of coffee on a morning!”
Levi’s friends laughed when Jake scowled at his girlfriend. Stacey batted her hand and said, “You’ve got a good one there, Elsie. Don’t let him go.”
I turned to Levi, smiling. “I won’t,” I whispered and leaned in closer. “He’s my everything.”
I didn’t know if anyone else was listening, because I was too busy feeling the kiss that Levi was placing on my upturned mouth, then he declared, “You have no idea how proud of you I am right now.”
I kissed him again, and happily listened to the conversations around the table. I didn’t really participate for the next hour, but I didn’t mind. Because I’d taken a chance and it hadn’t backfired. Yes, the stares hurt, as did the uncomfortable silences. But I’d fought the voices in my head. I’d made my first move to victory.
I couldn’t wait to tell Clara. Couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d begun the fight.
When the dishes were cleared, Coach rounded up all of the team for a team photo. I panicked when Levi had to leave me, but Stacey stayed beside me even when her friends all went into the entrance room to get more drinks.
I watched from the table as the coaching staff began positioning the players into rows. I smiled at Levi standing to the back of the waiting team between Jake and Ashton, listening to them talk yet saying nothing to contribute.
My sweet shy guy.
“You’re both kinda fucking cute together, you know?”
I turned to Stacey and felt my cheeks heat. “He’s saved me. He’s good for me. We’re good for each other.”
“I can see that,” she said. I held back a laugh when Coach made Levi stand front and center. “He’s the star here at UW,” Stacey informed. “You good with all the attention he gets?”
I faced Stacey and shrugged. “I don’t go to school here. I… I have been working at a treatment center, so I don’t see any of it apart from the games.”
Stacey nodded. “But Levi’s clearly headed to the NFL, then that’ll be his life. Look at his brother and the adulation he receives. Their lives become a circus.”
My head whipped back to Levi and I felt my heart sink. I remembered Lexi mentioned this to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead. I hadn’t let myself think about how our lives could be if we were still together and he made it to the next level; what people might find out about my past… that they might expect me to talk.
And that would be too much. Speaking to friends was one thing, but to be public…
“Elsie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just making conversation.”
