“What a fucking bitch,” Levi said, but I felt the panic at reliving that moment.
“It just got worse. In school she’d make ‘deaf’ noises at me whenever I passed and everyone just laughed. At home she would come over to my bed when everyone was asleep and mimic me until I cried. When I cried she’d laugh. I couldn’t sleep. It was all day every day. Eventually I couldn’t cope. But the final straw came when I walked into my room to see Annabelle and the other girls on my bed… with my notepad, the notepad that held all my poetry, and I knew it was going to be bad.”
Tears this time did prick my eyes, then ran down my cheeks when I thought of the poem that had them laughing at me. “It was the poem I’d written for my mom—”
“Heaven’s Door?” Levi guessed, and I nodded my head.
“When Annabelle saw me in the doorway, she got to her feet, and imitating my voice, she read that poem aloud. And every precious word she mocked and polluted with her cruelty. That poem was my tribute to my mom, my little goodbye, my soul poured on a page. And she sullied it, destroyed it in seconds. She then approached me as she finished the poem. I was standing there with tears streaming down my face, feeling she was spitting inside my exposed heart, when she asked, “Tell me, dumbfuck, was your druggie mom a stupid retard too?” And at that point, after a year of incessant bullying and mental torture, I walked away and to the kitchen downstairs. Pretending I was making a snack, I snuck the sharpest knife I could find into my pocket and went into the bathroom.”
Levi stiffened.
“I ran a bath, just like this, and got in.” I shook my head. “It was funny, because I knew what I was going to do, but I felt more at peace sitting in that bath facing my own death, than I had since my mom had died, than I did waking to face Annabelle everyday. As calm as possible, I took the knife, and made two swipes across my wrists. I laid back, and let the life drain from my veins.”
I felt Levi wiping at his eyes, but I was lost in the moment. I had to finish. “I stared at the ceiling the entire time, and I remember smiling. I smiled because I knew that I’d be at peace anytime. I smiled because I knew I’d see my mom again, soon—no pain, no drugs—happy and in Heaven. I smiled as I recited my poem, the poem they’d so viciously mocked: I’d search the world for Heaven’s Door, over mountains and valleys, each sandy shore. I’d find the stairway, soaring through clouds, I'd climb each step, without making a sound. I’d arrive at the door of glimmering gold, I’d slip through unnoticed, not stirring a soul. I’d gasp at its beauty, at its rivers and trees, I’d stray from the paths, I’d hide among leaves. I’d tiptoe unseen, under sun and sky blue, I’d search every corner until I found you. I’d capture a tear, catch a glimpse of your hair, as you danced and you twirled, without any care. You’d smile and you’d laugh, like a bird you’d be free, I’d try not to cry, you’re there without me. I’d stay my hand from touching your face, from calling your name, to feel your embrace. You’d open your mouth and your voice would be pure, I’d treasure the sound, no more pain you’d endure. I’d stay ‘til the sunset, when I’d have to leave, a pain in my heart, my spirit in grief. I’d blow you a kiss, let it drift to the sky, I’d whisper ‘I love you’ and bid you goodbye. I'd pass through the door, I’d descend out of view, Knowing that one day, today, I’d again be with you.”
I closed my eyes, cradled into Levi’s chest as that poem slipped from my mouth. I could feel the happiness I felt that night as I began to fade away, the water turning red around me.
“Baby?” Levi rasped, as he tucked his nose into my neck. “I can’t deal with the fact you did that.” He took in a ragged of breath. “That you felt so alone that you’d do that to yourself, that the bitch brought you to this point.”
My chest ached so much that I rubbed over the skin trying to alleviate the pressure. It didn’t work. “I woke up in the hospital the next day, and my first feeling was one of despair. Complete despair that I’d failed, that I’d been found. That I was still in this horrible world. I felt that way for days and days. I knew I wasn’t going to go back to that house, so when I was able, I dressed in the clothes the staff had brought me, took my notepad that Abbie had brought too, and I ran.” I turned my head to Levi’s, still tucked into my neck. “I was running until the day you found me. When I stopped… because of you.”
Levi was silent as he held me close in his arms. But I was raw and exposed, and I felt uncomfortable in my skin.
My thoughts drifted to Clara and the lost look in her eyes. I flinched, realizing I’d read her all wrong. She wasn’t looking to be saved, she just wanted to leave this world knowing that she wasn’t alone. I’d given her that out.
“I thought I’d helped her,” I confessed, and felt Levi raise his head.
“Clara?” he asked.
I nodded my head and turned, closing myself in against Levi’s warm body, the water turning cold around us. I rested my cheek on his chest. “With my poems today, I thought I’d helped her. Turns out I’d helped her in her decision to take her life once and for all.”
“Bella mia, listen,” Levi said. He lifted me until I was higher in his arms. His bloodshot eyes looked down at me. “I’ve been helping out at Lexi’s center since we lived in San Francisco, and sometimes, there’s nothing you can do if someone doesn’t want to fight. I saw it a few times with the people who had eating disorders. They didn’t want to live anymore, so they didn’t. And I’ve seen it here Seattle, with the bullied kids. Clara isn’t the first suicide we’ve had, she’s just the first one you’ve seen. We help more than we lose, a hell of a lot more, but sometimes they’re just too damaged, too scarred, to moved on.”
“Like me?” I asked, unsure if I was one of those girls. The girl that hides her voice because she can’t cope with one more harsh word said against her… because it could be the one to finally break her, to make sure the next time she held a knife to her wrist, she’d see the suicide through.
“No,” Levi pushed, “Not like you. You’re a fighter, you’ll push through. Look at how much you’ve changed since being here, with me.”
“Because of you,” I said, and smiled.
But Levi shook his head. “No, because of you.”
I closed my eyes, but I shivered in the cold water. “Come on,” Levi said, and pressed a kiss behind my ear. “Time to get out.”
I let Levi help me from the water. I let him pat me down with the towel and wrap me in a robe. I let him lead me to bed, lights off, but for the jar by my side, and the plastic stars twinkling on the ceiling.
The minute we were in the bed, Levi wrapped me in his arms. “Do you know what I wish for, Levi, what I hope and pray for all the time?”
“What, bella mia?”
“That people have one thought, one instinct: Be kind-hearted. Simply be kind of heart.”
Levi exhaled into my hair. “It’s a good wish to have for people, baby.”
“But it won’t come true. Just look at my mom, look at me, now look at Clara. It never ends.” My heart physically ached at that truth. “Why can’t it end?” I swallowed, my throat raw from tonight. “Words are the worst kind of ammunition. Physical pain fades in time, but bullets of cruelty forever penetrate the soul.”
“It just got worse. In school she’d make ‘deaf’ noises at me whenever I passed and everyone just laughed. At home she would come over to my bed when everyone was asleep and mimic me until I cried. When I cried she’d laugh. I couldn’t sleep. It was all day every day. Eventually I couldn’t cope. But the final straw came when I walked into my room to see Annabelle and the other girls on my bed… with my notepad, the notepad that held all my poetry, and I knew it was going to be bad.”
Tears this time did prick my eyes, then ran down my cheeks when I thought of the poem that had them laughing at me. “It was the poem I’d written for my mom—”
“Heaven’s Door?” Levi guessed, and I nodded my head.
“When Annabelle saw me in the doorway, she got to her feet, and imitating my voice, she read that poem aloud. And every precious word she mocked and polluted with her cruelty. That poem was my tribute to my mom, my little goodbye, my soul poured on a page. And she sullied it, destroyed it in seconds. She then approached me as she finished the poem. I was standing there with tears streaming down my face, feeling she was spitting inside my exposed heart, when she asked, “Tell me, dumbfuck, was your druggie mom a stupid retard too?” And at that point, after a year of incessant bullying and mental torture, I walked away and to the kitchen downstairs. Pretending I was making a snack, I snuck the sharpest knife I could find into my pocket and went into the bathroom.”
Levi stiffened.
“I ran a bath, just like this, and got in.” I shook my head. “It was funny, because I knew what I was going to do, but I felt more at peace sitting in that bath facing my own death, than I had since my mom had died, than I did waking to face Annabelle everyday. As calm as possible, I took the knife, and made two swipes across my wrists. I laid back, and let the life drain from my veins.”
I felt Levi wiping at his eyes, but I was lost in the moment. I had to finish. “I stared at the ceiling the entire time, and I remember smiling. I smiled because I knew that I’d be at peace anytime. I smiled because I knew I’d see my mom again, soon—no pain, no drugs—happy and in Heaven. I smiled as I recited my poem, the poem they’d so viciously mocked: I’d search the world for Heaven’s Door, over mountains and valleys, each sandy shore. I’d find the stairway, soaring through clouds, I'd climb each step, without making a sound. I’d arrive at the door of glimmering gold, I’d slip through unnoticed, not stirring a soul. I’d gasp at its beauty, at its rivers and trees, I’d stray from the paths, I’d hide among leaves. I’d tiptoe unseen, under sun and sky blue, I’d search every corner until I found you. I’d capture a tear, catch a glimpse of your hair, as you danced and you twirled, without any care. You’d smile and you’d laugh, like a bird you’d be free, I’d try not to cry, you’re there without me. I’d stay my hand from touching your face, from calling your name, to feel your embrace. You’d open your mouth and your voice would be pure, I’d treasure the sound, no more pain you’d endure. I’d stay ‘til the sunset, when I’d have to leave, a pain in my heart, my spirit in grief. I’d blow you a kiss, let it drift to the sky, I’d whisper ‘I love you’ and bid you goodbye. I'd pass through the door, I’d descend out of view, Knowing that one day, today, I’d again be with you.”
I closed my eyes, cradled into Levi’s chest as that poem slipped from my mouth. I could feel the happiness I felt that night as I began to fade away, the water turning red around me.
“Baby?” Levi rasped, as he tucked his nose into my neck. “I can’t deal with the fact you did that.” He took in a ragged of breath. “That you felt so alone that you’d do that to yourself, that the bitch brought you to this point.”
My chest ached so much that I rubbed over the skin trying to alleviate the pressure. It didn’t work. “I woke up in the hospital the next day, and my first feeling was one of despair. Complete despair that I’d failed, that I’d been found. That I was still in this horrible world. I felt that way for days and days. I knew I wasn’t going to go back to that house, so when I was able, I dressed in the clothes the staff had brought me, took my notepad that Abbie had brought too, and I ran.” I turned my head to Levi’s, still tucked into my neck. “I was running until the day you found me. When I stopped… because of you.”
Levi was silent as he held me close in his arms. But I was raw and exposed, and I felt uncomfortable in my skin.
My thoughts drifted to Clara and the lost look in her eyes. I flinched, realizing I’d read her all wrong. She wasn’t looking to be saved, she just wanted to leave this world knowing that she wasn’t alone. I’d given her that out.
“I thought I’d helped her,” I confessed, and felt Levi raise his head.
“Clara?” he asked.
I nodded my head and turned, closing myself in against Levi’s warm body, the water turning cold around us. I rested my cheek on his chest. “With my poems today, I thought I’d helped her. Turns out I’d helped her in her decision to take her life once and for all.”
“Bella mia, listen,” Levi said. He lifted me until I was higher in his arms. His bloodshot eyes looked down at me. “I’ve been helping out at Lexi’s center since we lived in San Francisco, and sometimes, there’s nothing you can do if someone doesn’t want to fight. I saw it a few times with the people who had eating disorders. They didn’t want to live anymore, so they didn’t. And I’ve seen it here Seattle, with the bullied kids. Clara isn’t the first suicide we’ve had, she’s just the first one you’ve seen. We help more than we lose, a hell of a lot more, but sometimes they’re just too damaged, too scarred, to moved on.”
“Like me?” I asked, unsure if I was one of those girls. The girl that hides her voice because she can’t cope with one more harsh word said against her… because it could be the one to finally break her, to make sure the next time she held a knife to her wrist, she’d see the suicide through.
“No,” Levi pushed, “Not like you. You’re a fighter, you’ll push through. Look at how much you’ve changed since being here, with me.”
“Because of you,” I said, and smiled.
But Levi shook his head. “No, because of you.”
I closed my eyes, but I shivered in the cold water. “Come on,” Levi said, and pressed a kiss behind my ear. “Time to get out.”
I let Levi help me from the water. I let him pat me down with the towel and wrap me in a robe. I let him lead me to bed, lights off, but for the jar by my side, and the plastic stars twinkling on the ceiling.
The minute we were in the bed, Levi wrapped me in his arms. “Do you know what I wish for, Levi, what I hope and pray for all the time?”
“What, bella mia?”
“That people have one thought, one instinct: Be kind-hearted. Simply be kind of heart.”
Levi exhaled into my hair. “It’s a good wish to have for people, baby.”
“But it won’t come true. Just look at my mom, look at me, now look at Clara. It never ends.” My heart physically ached at that truth. “Why can’t it end?” I swallowed, my throat raw from tonight. “Words are the worst kind of ammunition. Physical pain fades in time, but bullets of cruelty forever penetrate the soul.”
