A hand hit my leg, and when I looked up from staring in a daze at the floor, Austin, Axel and Rome were sitting around me. The women and babies of our family had clearly gone inside. Axel’s hand squeezed my knee as he sat back in his chair.
He didn’t say anything, just watched me. I knew he was concerned. Axel and Austin were always concerned about me. I knew it was because I was real quiet, that I wasn’t like them, but I couldn’t be any other way. This was me. I just didn’t speak much. I think it unnerved them how different I was.
Dropping my gaze again, I began tearing at the label of my beer, when Rome asked, “No parties tonight, Lev? It’s Saturday night; you telling me Washington ain’t like every other school in the country?”
I met Rome’s eyes and he was smiling at me. Rome nudged Austin and said, “Don’t think there was a Saturday we didn’t have one of our frat brothers throwing something at our house, hey, eighty-three? Any fucking excuse for beer and pussy.”
Austin smiled. “Yeah, all the douches trying to get laid, until all the chicks zeroed in on you and left their desperate asses with only their hands for company.”
Rome shook his head and looked to me again. I shrugged and threw a piece of the shredded label to the floor. “I guess there’s a party.”
“And you didn’t wanna go... again,” Austin stated, his eyebrows pulled down into his usual worried frown.
I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head. “You know it’s not my thing. And I wanted to see Axe and Ally.”
“Lev, you ain’t been to one single party since we came here,” Austin said in exasperation. I squirmed on my seat, feeling all of their attention focused on me.
“I know.” I offered no more explanation.
Almost on cue, my phone vibrated on the table beside me and Ashton’s name popped up.
ASHTON: You coming or what? Sexy Redhead is here asking for you.
I reached for my phone to delete the notification, but before I could get to it, Axel had already seen the text. I quickly slipped the cell into my pocket. Axel got to his feet.
He looked down at me. “Let’s go.”
I opened my mouth to argue, when he walked in the direction of the back gate and out onto the driveway.
Austin leaned forward. “Go with him, Lev. You need to start living your life, little bro. You gotta push yourself to get outta your shell.”
Nerves suffocated me, but I got to my feet anyway and ran into the pool house to grab my cash and house keys. Two minutes later, I was out of the back gate and slipping into the passenger seat of Axel’s El Camino.
There was no music playing. Nothing was said. In silence, Axel pulled out of the drive and onto the road. I glanced across to look at my big brother: his face was like stone, his dark, almost black eyes were hard and tense. I could see the anger taking its hold.
As if feeling me watching, his gaze flicked to me and he sighed. “It’s my fucking fault you’re like this. This… introvert. All shy like this. Closed in.”
My stomach fell and I turned to stare out of the window, to stare at the trees blurring into a constant green line. I could feel the pain and guilt radiating in thick waves from Axel.
“Kid?” he pushed and my head drifted against the window.
“It’s just not my thing, Axe. It ain’t because of you. It’s just how I am.”
“It’s not. Yeah, you were always quiet, but me pushing you into the gang too young, making you fucking shoot people when you were still a kid. That shit pushed you into yourself. Then my going inside, not being the man of the house for you. Someone to have your back, guide you, fucking raise you.” He swallowed and added, “Not being there when Mamma died, it fucking closed you in, Lev. I may have been a shit brother, but I know enough about you to understand this. You were so fucking young to go through what you went through. What I made you do. You were seven when she got sick, and I left you to raise yourself so I could be in that fucking gang. All alone. It harmed you, kid. I done you so wrong.”
I didn’t say anything in response, because as harsh as it was, most of it was true.
“Tell me, Lev. You ever had a girlfriend?”
My body tensed at Axel’s question. “No,” I whispered, my cheeks aflame with embarrassment.
I heard Axel’s hands tightening on the steering wheel, and he added, “You ever even been kissed? You ever asked a chick out? You even talked to one that you liked?”
I didn’t bothering answering. What was the point? He knew the answer. I was a Carillo. I was twenty, and I hadn’t ever even been kissed. I’d never even held a girl’s hand. I hadn’t even been on one date.
“Fuck,” I heard Axel spit under his breath, and I rolled my head to face him.
“I’m not like you, Axe. Or Aust. It’s just… I just don’t know how to speak to girls. I’ve never met one where I wanted to find the courage to want to speak to them.”
Axel kept his eyes on the road, then flicking me a glance, said, “You’ve got a big fucking heart, kid. Maybe too big. And I know things have been shit for most of your life, but it’s better now. Isn’t it? Please say we’ve made things better for you in some small way?”
“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “It’s better.”
Axel exhaled in relief and we went into silent mode, again. When we hit the highway, and as I was still staring out of the window, Axel said, “Austin told me Mamma’s rosary was stolen from the locker room.”
Whipping my face round to look at my brother, he briefly met my eyes and then focused back on the road. “Yeah,” I replied.
“It’s cut you up.” He said it as an assumption, not a question. I nodded anyway.
“It ain’t her,” he said roughly. “That rosary was just a thing. It’s not Mamma.”
Thickness filled my throat. “It was to me.” I shifted on my seat, and playing with my hands, reluctantly confessed, “I don’t remember what she sounded like anymore, Axe. I… I,” I took a deep breath, fighting the pain in my gut, and continued. “I can’t remember how her hand felt in my hair.” I could hear how my voice had broken at that confession, but managed to add, “Those rosary beads were my anchor to her. Because I know she held them in her hands. When I held them too, I felt like I could still see and feel her with me, somehow. Because she’s fading from my memory, Axe. I didn’t have as long with her as you and Austin did. I’m finding it real hard to keep her alive in my heart.”
Axel didn’t say anything in response, but a few seconds later, he pulled the car into a rest stop and hit the engine. And we sat there. Sat there, both of us staring out of the window. Until my big brother’s arm wrapped around my neck and pulled me into his chest.
Tears built in my eyes at this simple gesture and I held my brother’s shirt tightly. “I don’t know what the fuck to do to make it better for you, Lev,” Axel rasped, as I exhaled a slow breath, trying hard to control my emotions.
I didn’t reply, I just waited until I could lift my head without falling apart. I slumped on the seat.
“I know you miss her, kid. I fucking do too, but you gotta try and live. You study, you play college football. I’m so fucking proud of you I could fucking burst. You’re smart, you’re the best of us, but you gotta try, Lev. Just try and live. Try and be happy. Or else, what’s the fucking point?”
He didn’t say anything, just watched me. I knew he was concerned. Axel and Austin were always concerned about me. I knew it was because I was real quiet, that I wasn’t like them, but I couldn’t be any other way. This was me. I just didn’t speak much. I think it unnerved them how different I was.
Dropping my gaze again, I began tearing at the label of my beer, when Rome asked, “No parties tonight, Lev? It’s Saturday night; you telling me Washington ain’t like every other school in the country?”
I met Rome’s eyes and he was smiling at me. Rome nudged Austin and said, “Don’t think there was a Saturday we didn’t have one of our frat brothers throwing something at our house, hey, eighty-three? Any fucking excuse for beer and pussy.”
Austin smiled. “Yeah, all the douches trying to get laid, until all the chicks zeroed in on you and left their desperate asses with only their hands for company.”
Rome shook his head and looked to me again. I shrugged and threw a piece of the shredded label to the floor. “I guess there’s a party.”
“And you didn’t wanna go... again,” Austin stated, his eyebrows pulled down into his usual worried frown.
I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head. “You know it’s not my thing. And I wanted to see Axe and Ally.”
“Lev, you ain’t been to one single party since we came here,” Austin said in exasperation. I squirmed on my seat, feeling all of their attention focused on me.
“I know.” I offered no more explanation.
Almost on cue, my phone vibrated on the table beside me and Ashton’s name popped up.
ASHTON: You coming or what? Sexy Redhead is here asking for you.
I reached for my phone to delete the notification, but before I could get to it, Axel had already seen the text. I quickly slipped the cell into my pocket. Axel got to his feet.
He looked down at me. “Let’s go.”
I opened my mouth to argue, when he walked in the direction of the back gate and out onto the driveway.
Austin leaned forward. “Go with him, Lev. You need to start living your life, little bro. You gotta push yourself to get outta your shell.”
Nerves suffocated me, but I got to my feet anyway and ran into the pool house to grab my cash and house keys. Two minutes later, I was out of the back gate and slipping into the passenger seat of Axel’s El Camino.
There was no music playing. Nothing was said. In silence, Axel pulled out of the drive and onto the road. I glanced across to look at my big brother: his face was like stone, his dark, almost black eyes were hard and tense. I could see the anger taking its hold.
As if feeling me watching, his gaze flicked to me and he sighed. “It’s my fucking fault you’re like this. This… introvert. All shy like this. Closed in.”
My stomach fell and I turned to stare out of the window, to stare at the trees blurring into a constant green line. I could feel the pain and guilt radiating in thick waves from Axel.
“Kid?” he pushed and my head drifted against the window.
“It’s just not my thing, Axe. It ain’t because of you. It’s just how I am.”
“It’s not. Yeah, you were always quiet, but me pushing you into the gang too young, making you fucking shoot people when you were still a kid. That shit pushed you into yourself. Then my going inside, not being the man of the house for you. Someone to have your back, guide you, fucking raise you.” He swallowed and added, “Not being there when Mamma died, it fucking closed you in, Lev. I may have been a shit brother, but I know enough about you to understand this. You were so fucking young to go through what you went through. What I made you do. You were seven when she got sick, and I left you to raise yourself so I could be in that fucking gang. All alone. It harmed you, kid. I done you so wrong.”
I didn’t say anything in response, because as harsh as it was, most of it was true.
“Tell me, Lev. You ever had a girlfriend?”
My body tensed at Axel’s question. “No,” I whispered, my cheeks aflame with embarrassment.
I heard Axel’s hands tightening on the steering wheel, and he added, “You ever even been kissed? You ever asked a chick out? You even talked to one that you liked?”
I didn’t bothering answering. What was the point? He knew the answer. I was a Carillo. I was twenty, and I hadn’t ever even been kissed. I’d never even held a girl’s hand. I hadn’t even been on one date.
“Fuck,” I heard Axel spit under his breath, and I rolled my head to face him.
“I’m not like you, Axe. Or Aust. It’s just… I just don’t know how to speak to girls. I’ve never met one where I wanted to find the courage to want to speak to them.”
Axel kept his eyes on the road, then flicking me a glance, said, “You’ve got a big fucking heart, kid. Maybe too big. And I know things have been shit for most of your life, but it’s better now. Isn’t it? Please say we’ve made things better for you in some small way?”
“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “It’s better.”
Axel exhaled in relief and we went into silent mode, again. When we hit the highway, and as I was still staring out of the window, Axel said, “Austin told me Mamma’s rosary was stolen from the locker room.”
Whipping my face round to look at my brother, he briefly met my eyes and then focused back on the road. “Yeah,” I replied.
“It’s cut you up.” He said it as an assumption, not a question. I nodded anyway.
“It ain’t her,” he said roughly. “That rosary was just a thing. It’s not Mamma.”
Thickness filled my throat. “It was to me.” I shifted on my seat, and playing with my hands, reluctantly confessed, “I don’t remember what she sounded like anymore, Axe. I… I,” I took a deep breath, fighting the pain in my gut, and continued. “I can’t remember how her hand felt in my hair.” I could hear how my voice had broken at that confession, but managed to add, “Those rosary beads were my anchor to her. Because I know she held them in her hands. When I held them too, I felt like I could still see and feel her with me, somehow. Because she’s fading from my memory, Axe. I didn’t have as long with her as you and Austin did. I’m finding it real hard to keep her alive in my heart.”
Axel didn’t say anything in response, but a few seconds later, he pulled the car into a rest stop and hit the engine. And we sat there. Sat there, both of us staring out of the window. Until my big brother’s arm wrapped around my neck and pulled me into his chest.
Tears built in my eyes at this simple gesture and I held my brother’s shirt tightly. “I don’t know what the fuck to do to make it better for you, Lev,” Axel rasped, as I exhaled a slow breath, trying hard to control my emotions.
I didn’t reply, I just waited until I could lift my head without falling apart. I slumped on the seat.
“I know you miss her, kid. I fucking do too, but you gotta try and live. You study, you play college football. I’m so fucking proud of you I could fucking burst. You’re smart, you’re the best of us, but you gotta try, Lev. Just try and live. Try and be happy. Or else, what’s the fucking point?”
