“That’s because I was a fucking idiot too blinded by your beauty and your lies to see that there wasn’t anything worthy underneath your flawless exterior other than just a good fuck, Blaire.”
As my vision begins to blur, I whisper to myself, “You’re right, Ronan. You’re so right.” I cover my face with my hands as a sob escapes my lips.
And I begin to cry.
“BLAIRE?” I HEAR LAWRENCE ask as he opens the door.
I’m in the bathtub. The water has grown cold, but I can’t bring myself to move. I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been here. Naked and with my arms wrapped around my knees, I stare at the silver faucet, its curves and grooves blurring to one grey mass. I avoid meeting his gaze, look down at my body, and notice that it’s covered in tiny bumps.
“Hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”
“Not at all. I’m glad you came. Seeing you is the first thing that has brought me pleasure today.”
“You shouldn’t be, and you shouldn’t say those things to me.”
“Why not?”
“Because you of all people shouldn’t lie to me.” Finally, I turn to look at him and our gazes instantly collide. “You want to know why I’m here? I’m here because I don’t want to be alone, not because I want to be with you.”
His eyes never leaving mine, he watches me as though he can see all the way to my core, to every broken, sharp piece inside of me. “What happened between the time I left you this morning and right now?”
Lawrence closes the space between us and kneels next to the tub. He lifts a hand and reaches for me. I flinch when he touches me, making him withdraw. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that same hand tighten into a fist.
I lean forward, resting my chin on my knees. “I sat on a bench and watched this little girl playing by herself. She was chasing her own shadow, trying to catch it. She seemed so ... happy, you know? I saw her laughing, heard her laughter, and I thought to myself that there was a time when chasing my own shadow was exciting, too. When I was naive enough to believe that life couldn’t get better than spending a day at the park. When I was good, and worthy, and innocent …” My voice breaks.
“I wanted to run to her and wrap her in my arms. I wanted to tell her to hold on to that moment for as long as she could because the world is cruel. Because the world is unkind, and eventually, it will swallow you whole, turning your hopes into shattered dreams, and your dreams into nightmares. Until one day you wake up and no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. That the little girl who chased shadows is gone, and in her stead is someone you hate, someone who disgusts you. Someone like me. So to answer your question, nothing happened. Nothing except a daily reminder of who I am.”
“Look at me,” he orders in that strong voice of his.
I won’t.
“Look at me, Blaire.”
I won’t.
He gets up from his spot next to the marble bathtub and walks away.
I close my eyes. I want to say that I’m glad that he’s left, but I’m too tired, too emotionally drained to lie to myself. Suddenly, two strong arms slide under my legs and back, picking me up. I open my eyes and absorb Lawrence’s beautiful profile as he straightens his back, not worrying that his suit is getting wet, before he puts me down on the floor. Wrapping a warm, fluffy white towel around my shoulders, he says, “You’re cold.”
I pull the towel tighter around me, thankful for the warmth. “Why are you being so kind to me?” I look him square in the eye. “Am I that fucking good in the sack that you can’t see how undeserving I am of you, of all this?” I know it’s illogical, but his kindness angers me.
As my vision begins to blur, I whisper to myself, “You’re right, Ronan. You’re so right.” I cover my face with my hands as a sob escapes my lips.
And I begin to cry.
“BLAIRE?” I HEAR LAWRENCE ask as he opens the door.
I’m in the bathtub. The water has grown cold, but I can’t bring myself to move. I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been here. Naked and with my arms wrapped around my knees, I stare at the silver faucet, its curves and grooves blurring to one grey mass. I avoid meeting his gaze, look down at my body, and notice that it’s covered in tiny bumps.
“Hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”
“Not at all. I’m glad you came. Seeing you is the first thing that has brought me pleasure today.”
“You shouldn’t be, and you shouldn’t say those things to me.”
“Why not?”
“Because you of all people shouldn’t lie to me.” Finally, I turn to look at him and our gazes instantly collide. “You want to know why I’m here? I’m here because I don’t want to be alone, not because I want to be with you.”
His eyes never leaving mine, he watches me as though he can see all the way to my core, to every broken, sharp piece inside of me. “What happened between the time I left you this morning and right now?”
Lawrence closes the space between us and kneels next to the tub. He lifts a hand and reaches for me. I flinch when he touches me, making him withdraw. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that same hand tighten into a fist.
I lean forward, resting my chin on my knees. “I sat on a bench and watched this little girl playing by herself. She was chasing her own shadow, trying to catch it. She seemed so ... happy, you know? I saw her laughing, heard her laughter, and I thought to myself that there was a time when chasing my own shadow was exciting, too. When I was naive enough to believe that life couldn’t get better than spending a day at the park. When I was good, and worthy, and innocent …” My voice breaks.
“I wanted to run to her and wrap her in my arms. I wanted to tell her to hold on to that moment for as long as she could because the world is cruel. Because the world is unkind, and eventually, it will swallow you whole, turning your hopes into shattered dreams, and your dreams into nightmares. Until one day you wake up and no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. That the little girl who chased shadows is gone, and in her stead is someone you hate, someone who disgusts you. Someone like me. So to answer your question, nothing happened. Nothing except a daily reminder of who I am.”
“Look at me,” he orders in that strong voice of his.
I won’t.
“Look at me, Blaire.”
I won’t.
He gets up from his spot next to the marble bathtub and walks away.
I close my eyes. I want to say that I’m glad that he’s left, but I’m too tired, too emotionally drained to lie to myself. Suddenly, two strong arms slide under my legs and back, picking me up. I open my eyes and absorb Lawrence’s beautiful profile as he straightens his back, not worrying that his suit is getting wet, before he puts me down on the floor. Wrapping a warm, fluffy white towel around my shoulders, he says, “You’re cold.”
I pull the towel tighter around me, thankful for the warmth. “Why are you being so kind to me?” I look him square in the eye. “Am I that fucking good in the sack that you can’t see how undeserving I am of you, of all this?” I know it’s illogical, but his kindness angers me.
