With that Travis turned and walked out of the bedroom, not bothering to close the door behind him. Lily sank back down on the bed, his words echoing in her head. She’d never been more at a loss for reasons to love herself than at that awful moment.
Chapter Sixteen
Travis went back out to the party, feeling as hollow as an empty warehouse. He’d thought he’d found real love, the kind of love that would never leave, never go away, never hurt.
How could he have been so wrong?
He poured himself a glass of whisky from the open bar and pounded it in one gulp. Lily was leaving him.
Never in a million years did he think Lily would leave him. When he looked at her he saw forever. Little girls with red curls and little boys with big blue eyes.
The hardest thing he’d ever done was to walk away from her. He had wanted to shake her until she started talking sense. But somehow he knew that all the pleading in the world wouldn’t change the fact that Lily didn’t love herself.
And even though he wished he could change it simply by snapping his fingers, he couldn’t.
Until Lily learned to love herself, there was no hope for the two of them.
Travis prayed that it would happen soon. Because even a minute without her love was too long.
She couldn’t breathe in his bedroom, in his apartment. Slipping out the sliding door to the private terrace, she awkwardly maneuvered over the railing into the neighbor’s yard. A gate led out to an alley between buildings. She stood in the cool, damp passageway gasping for air. A cat jumped out from behind a Dumpster, and Lily jumped. Blindly, she started walking. She needed to get as far away from Travis as she could. Every cell in her body screamed for her to go back to him, to beg him to take her back. But even in her despair, Lily remembered the resolve in his final words.
“I can think of a thousand reasons, Lily. If you ever realize what those reasons are, Lily, let me know.”
God, it was hopeless! Any reasons she could come up with would sound like a bad joke. Like some quasi Miss America contestant trying to say what her best feature was. I’ve got a big heart, she thought, that’s the best she’d be able to come up with. Oh yeah, and she had big boobs. So what?
She raged at the unfairness of it all as she hoofed it past light after light, barely noticing when she crossed at a red and several cars skidded to a stop inches from her thigh. She looked up and realized she was at the cemetery. Her parents’ cemetery. Guilt washed over her. She had intended to bring flowers to their graves ever since she’d come back from Italy. But one thing had led to another, and she’d never had the time.
No, she corrected herself harshly, she’d never made the time.
“I suck,” she said loudly, confident that at least in that assessment of herself she was correct. Feeling ashamed for her hands being empty of blooms, she walked over to the large bay tree.
Beneath the thick canopy of leaves lay her mother and father.
All of a sudden she was sobbing and on her knees in front of their graves. “I really blew it this time,” she said as her chest heaved. She felt like she was going to throw up. “Do you remember Travis?” she asked.
“I had such a crush on him, even as a little girl. Mom, you used to say I’d never be able to pick between him and Luke.” Her sobbing intensified. “But I did, Mom, I picked Travis. It was always Travis. I never thought he’d love me back, though, not in a million years. And now that he says he does, I can’t believe him,” she cried.
When no one answered Lily realized she had been expecting some sort of counsel from her long-gone parents. If only they could have solved the problem for her with a cup of warm milk and a fairy tale that would make her fall back to sleep after a nightmare. She gulped for air and tried to calm down.
“I loved you both so much,” she said. “And I’ve missed you so much. I used to wish…” She stopped, feeling selfish for thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. “I wished that you hadn’t died so that you could have helped make me pretty and tell me you loved me. Travis says he loves me. But I won’t let him because I don’t think I’m good enough.”
In a flash, Lily realized the truth behind what she’d said. Apart from Janica and Luke, she had never let anyone close enough to hurt her. But Travis had crept right in.
“We got married,” she said to her parents, as her tears dried on her cheeks and the beginnings of a smile curved up the edges of her lips. “In Tuscany. Oh, you would have loved it. It was the festival of weddings. Mom, they dressed me up in a lace wedding gown. Dad, he was as handsome as you, I swear.”
Suddenly, she knew the truth in her heart. “I don’t want to lose him,” she said softly. “He’s a better man than he lets on, Dad. Don’t be fooled by his act. Because he was never fooled by my act,” she said, pausing to take in the weighty realization. “Even though I was,” she whispered into the wind.
Leaping to her feet, she kissed her palm and pressed it to the joint cement gravestones. “Mom, Dad, I love you, and I promise to bring flowers next time, but right now I’ve got to go and win my husband back.”
“Where did you go?” Janica asked later that evening, concern marring her smooth brow. “Luke and I couldn’t find you anywhere, and Travis looked like the walking dead.”
Lily closed the door to her sister’s apartment. “We had a fight,” she said. “A bad one.”
“Oh no!” Janica exclaimed, running across the room to throw her arms around Lily. Fiercely she spat,
“Here I was saying how good he is for you and then it turns out that he’s…” She stopped mid-sentence.
“What’d he do?”
” He didn’t do anything wrong,” Lily said fervently.
In her surprise, Janica backed away from Lily and tripped over a stack of fabrics. “If Travis didn’t blow it, what were you fighting about?”
Lily walked over to the large window seat near the door and sank down into it. “I’m the one who blew it, Jan. The one who’s been blowing it this whole time. I told Travis I didn’t want to be married to him anymore.”
“You what?” Janica yelled. “I can’t believe this. You told the guy that you’ve been in love with since forever that you wanted a divorce? What’s wrong with you?”
Lily laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “So many things, Jan. Too many.”
Seeing the hurt on her sister’s face, Janica came and sat next to Lily on the window seat. Rubbing her knee, she said, “Lils, you’re the best. Why are you the only one who can’t see it?”
Chapter Sixteen
Travis went back out to the party, feeling as hollow as an empty warehouse. He’d thought he’d found real love, the kind of love that would never leave, never go away, never hurt.
How could he have been so wrong?
He poured himself a glass of whisky from the open bar and pounded it in one gulp. Lily was leaving him.
Never in a million years did he think Lily would leave him. When he looked at her he saw forever. Little girls with red curls and little boys with big blue eyes.
The hardest thing he’d ever done was to walk away from her. He had wanted to shake her until she started talking sense. But somehow he knew that all the pleading in the world wouldn’t change the fact that Lily didn’t love herself.
And even though he wished he could change it simply by snapping his fingers, he couldn’t.
Until Lily learned to love herself, there was no hope for the two of them.
Travis prayed that it would happen soon. Because even a minute without her love was too long.
She couldn’t breathe in his bedroom, in his apartment. Slipping out the sliding door to the private terrace, she awkwardly maneuvered over the railing into the neighbor’s yard. A gate led out to an alley between buildings. She stood in the cool, damp passageway gasping for air. A cat jumped out from behind a Dumpster, and Lily jumped. Blindly, she started walking. She needed to get as far away from Travis as she could. Every cell in her body screamed for her to go back to him, to beg him to take her back. But even in her despair, Lily remembered the resolve in his final words.
“I can think of a thousand reasons, Lily. If you ever realize what those reasons are, Lily, let me know.”
God, it was hopeless! Any reasons she could come up with would sound like a bad joke. Like some quasi Miss America contestant trying to say what her best feature was. I’ve got a big heart, she thought, that’s the best she’d be able to come up with. Oh yeah, and she had big boobs. So what?
She raged at the unfairness of it all as she hoofed it past light after light, barely noticing when she crossed at a red and several cars skidded to a stop inches from her thigh. She looked up and realized she was at the cemetery. Her parents’ cemetery. Guilt washed over her. She had intended to bring flowers to their graves ever since she’d come back from Italy. But one thing had led to another, and she’d never had the time.
No, she corrected herself harshly, she’d never made the time.
“I suck,” she said loudly, confident that at least in that assessment of herself she was correct. Feeling ashamed for her hands being empty of blooms, she walked over to the large bay tree.
Beneath the thick canopy of leaves lay her mother and father.
All of a sudden she was sobbing and on her knees in front of their graves. “I really blew it this time,” she said as her chest heaved. She felt like she was going to throw up. “Do you remember Travis?” she asked.
“I had such a crush on him, even as a little girl. Mom, you used to say I’d never be able to pick between him and Luke.” Her sobbing intensified. “But I did, Mom, I picked Travis. It was always Travis. I never thought he’d love me back, though, not in a million years. And now that he says he does, I can’t believe him,” she cried.
When no one answered Lily realized she had been expecting some sort of counsel from her long-gone parents. If only they could have solved the problem for her with a cup of warm milk and a fairy tale that would make her fall back to sleep after a nightmare. She gulped for air and tried to calm down.
“I loved you both so much,” she said. “And I’ve missed you so much. I used to wish…” She stopped, feeling selfish for thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. “I wished that you hadn’t died so that you could have helped make me pretty and tell me you loved me. Travis says he loves me. But I won’t let him because I don’t think I’m good enough.”
In a flash, Lily realized the truth behind what she’d said. Apart from Janica and Luke, she had never let anyone close enough to hurt her. But Travis had crept right in.
“We got married,” she said to her parents, as her tears dried on her cheeks and the beginnings of a smile curved up the edges of her lips. “In Tuscany. Oh, you would have loved it. It was the festival of weddings. Mom, they dressed me up in a lace wedding gown. Dad, he was as handsome as you, I swear.”
Suddenly, she knew the truth in her heart. “I don’t want to lose him,” she said softly. “He’s a better man than he lets on, Dad. Don’t be fooled by his act. Because he was never fooled by my act,” she said, pausing to take in the weighty realization. “Even though I was,” she whispered into the wind.
Leaping to her feet, she kissed her palm and pressed it to the joint cement gravestones. “Mom, Dad, I love you, and I promise to bring flowers next time, but right now I’ve got to go and win my husband back.”
“Where did you go?” Janica asked later that evening, concern marring her smooth brow. “Luke and I couldn’t find you anywhere, and Travis looked like the walking dead.”
Lily closed the door to her sister’s apartment. “We had a fight,” she said. “A bad one.”
“Oh no!” Janica exclaimed, running across the room to throw her arms around Lily. Fiercely she spat,
“Here I was saying how good he is for you and then it turns out that he’s…” She stopped mid-sentence.
“What’d he do?”
” He didn’t do anything wrong,” Lily said fervently.
In her surprise, Janica backed away from Lily and tripped over a stack of fabrics. “If Travis didn’t blow it, what were you fighting about?”
Lily walked over to the large window seat near the door and sank down into it. “I’m the one who blew it, Jan. The one who’s been blowing it this whole time. I told Travis I didn’t want to be married to him anymore.”
“You what?” Janica yelled. “I can’t believe this. You told the guy that you’ve been in love with since forever that you wanted a divorce? What’s wrong with you?”
Lily laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “So many things, Jan. Too many.”
Seeing the hurt on her sister’s face, Janica came and sat next to Lily on the window seat. Rubbing her knee, she said, “Lils, you’re the best. Why are you the only one who can’t see it?”
