Taking Chances
Page 79
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Brandon sat down next to me and spoke softly, “I need to take you to eat something.”
Was he serious? The last thing I was thinking about was food. “I'm not hungry.”
“That's fine if you're not,” he sighed and turned my head so I was facing him, “but you're pregnant Harper, you need to eat something.”
“I told you at the house, I just had breakfast.”
“It's almost five.” His tone was soft, careful.
I quickly looked at the sky and the placement of the sun. He was right, we'd been here for over eight hours. Now that I knew how much time had elapsed, I started noticing my back was stiff, my bottom was completely numb and my stomach was growling. I tried to stand up but was struggling after being in one position for so long. Brandon wrapped an arm around my waist, pulled me up and helped me to the car. We drove to Panera and Brandon led me to a booth in the back and sat in silence until most of my sandwich was gone.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Claire had told me dozens of times since they “adopted” me into their family that I really needed to start sharing my feelings. Said it would kill me one day to keep them all bottled up. I'd laughed at her then, but started opening up more and was surprised to find how much better I felt when I did. “Um, sure, I guess.” I watched Brandon's patient expression for a few minutes to make sure I wasn't going to break down in the restaurant. That must have been why he brought us to the back. “I'm angry. Not just for myself, but for the baby. It's one thing to leave me, it's another to leave him. Even if he were to say he still wanted to be in his life once he was born, I'd always worry that he'd just hurt him in the end too. I want him to have two parents that love each other and love him. You understand that more than anyone.”
Brandon simply nodded.
“I'm upset that he did this, but I don't know why I am. From the beginning, I knew Chase wasn't the kind of guy to be in a relationship, and then after that stupid weekend with him, I kept pushing him back because I knew one day he would leave me. From the first day I met him, we'd push each other away and he would ignore me for long periods of time. His family told me it was because I was with you, and he couldn't stand to see us together. But I didn't know that until you and I had broken up, and even then wasn't sure I believed it.” I knew I shouldn't say this next part, but it was like I couldn't stop talking now that I'd started, I had wanted to talk to Brandon about everything, and apparently I was going to do it now, “I regretted that weekend with him instantly, I couldn't believe I'd done that to you. I was so in love with you,” I choked up a bit and had to clear my throat and take a calming breath to continue, “and for some stupid reason I was in love with him too. I always had been, and hated it. I wanted him out of my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.
“All I wanted was you. But I messed up, I gave in and took that chance with him even though I knew it would eventually hurt both you and me. When you came back from Arizona, I promised I would never do anything against you again, that I would love you and try to be worthy of your love too. Unfortunately, as you noticed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It would drive me crazy, thinking about you and our future, thinking about how much I couldn't stand Chase, and then of course how much I loved him despite my hate for him. I would go around and around, but I knew what I wanted, and it was a life with you. I had just started to realize I wouldn't get over him until I had my closure with him, but a part of me was afraid of what would happen when I saw him again.”
Brandon was still silent, but his eyes were shining with tears he was working to hold back.
“Then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew it was my punishment for what I'd done to you. Like the universe didn't want me to get away with what I'd done, and my conflicting feelings, without paying for them. I had to tell you immediately, I already hated keeping that weekend from you, I wasn't going to be able to keep this from you too. You deserved to know before he did, you deserved to hear it from me in the beginning, rather than see the evidence and put two and two together. And you deserved to have a little time to try and move on with your life before I told Chase and you had to see us together.”
“The time didn't make a difference Harper.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I have been wondering something though, and after hearing you just now, I'm more confused than ever. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”
“I owe you every explanation.”
He ran his hands over his face and curled one over the other’s fist, resting his forehead against them. “I understand that you love Chase, and when we were together you loved both of us, but you wouldn't take that next step. I was fine waiting as long as you needed, I thought you weren't ready, and then all of a sudden you're pregnant with Chase's baby? Why was it okay with him and not me? And then after, you still wouldn't be with me, but you’re saying you wanted a life with me, not him. I just don't understand.”
This was going to hurt him, “I hadn't been ready, and then that night with Chase happened and it clicked. I remember thinking this was exactly why I had never been able to take that next step with you.” Brandon flinched and mashed his lips together, “I'm sorry Brandon! I'm so sorry, I'll stop. I was just trying to be completely honest with you.”
Was he serious? The last thing I was thinking about was food. “I'm not hungry.”
“That's fine if you're not,” he sighed and turned my head so I was facing him, “but you're pregnant Harper, you need to eat something.”
“I told you at the house, I just had breakfast.”
“It's almost five.” His tone was soft, careful.
I quickly looked at the sky and the placement of the sun. He was right, we'd been here for over eight hours. Now that I knew how much time had elapsed, I started noticing my back was stiff, my bottom was completely numb and my stomach was growling. I tried to stand up but was struggling after being in one position for so long. Brandon wrapped an arm around my waist, pulled me up and helped me to the car. We drove to Panera and Brandon led me to a booth in the back and sat in silence until most of my sandwich was gone.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Claire had told me dozens of times since they “adopted” me into their family that I really needed to start sharing my feelings. Said it would kill me one day to keep them all bottled up. I'd laughed at her then, but started opening up more and was surprised to find how much better I felt when I did. “Um, sure, I guess.” I watched Brandon's patient expression for a few minutes to make sure I wasn't going to break down in the restaurant. That must have been why he brought us to the back. “I'm angry. Not just for myself, but for the baby. It's one thing to leave me, it's another to leave him. Even if he were to say he still wanted to be in his life once he was born, I'd always worry that he'd just hurt him in the end too. I want him to have two parents that love each other and love him. You understand that more than anyone.”
Brandon simply nodded.
“I'm upset that he did this, but I don't know why I am. From the beginning, I knew Chase wasn't the kind of guy to be in a relationship, and then after that stupid weekend with him, I kept pushing him back because I knew one day he would leave me. From the first day I met him, we'd push each other away and he would ignore me for long periods of time. His family told me it was because I was with you, and he couldn't stand to see us together. But I didn't know that until you and I had broken up, and even then wasn't sure I believed it.” I knew I shouldn't say this next part, but it was like I couldn't stop talking now that I'd started, I had wanted to talk to Brandon about everything, and apparently I was going to do it now, “I regretted that weekend with him instantly, I couldn't believe I'd done that to you. I was so in love with you,” I choked up a bit and had to clear my throat and take a calming breath to continue, “and for some stupid reason I was in love with him too. I always had been, and hated it. I wanted him out of my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.
“All I wanted was you. But I messed up, I gave in and took that chance with him even though I knew it would eventually hurt both you and me. When you came back from Arizona, I promised I would never do anything against you again, that I would love you and try to be worthy of your love too. Unfortunately, as you noticed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It would drive me crazy, thinking about you and our future, thinking about how much I couldn't stand Chase, and then of course how much I loved him despite my hate for him. I would go around and around, but I knew what I wanted, and it was a life with you. I had just started to realize I wouldn't get over him until I had my closure with him, but a part of me was afraid of what would happen when I saw him again.”
Brandon was still silent, but his eyes were shining with tears he was working to hold back.
“Then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew it was my punishment for what I'd done to you. Like the universe didn't want me to get away with what I'd done, and my conflicting feelings, without paying for them. I had to tell you immediately, I already hated keeping that weekend from you, I wasn't going to be able to keep this from you too. You deserved to know before he did, you deserved to hear it from me in the beginning, rather than see the evidence and put two and two together. And you deserved to have a little time to try and move on with your life before I told Chase and you had to see us together.”
“The time didn't make a difference Harper.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I have been wondering something though, and after hearing you just now, I'm more confused than ever. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”
“I owe you every explanation.”
He ran his hands over his face and curled one over the other’s fist, resting his forehead against them. “I understand that you love Chase, and when we were together you loved both of us, but you wouldn't take that next step. I was fine waiting as long as you needed, I thought you weren't ready, and then all of a sudden you're pregnant with Chase's baby? Why was it okay with him and not me? And then after, you still wouldn't be with me, but you’re saying you wanted a life with me, not him. I just don't understand.”
This was going to hurt him, “I hadn't been ready, and then that night with Chase happened and it clicked. I remember thinking this was exactly why I had never been able to take that next step with you.” Brandon flinched and mashed his lips together, “I'm sorry Brandon! I'm so sorry, I'll stop. I was just trying to be completely honest with you.”
