Tears of Tess
Page 3

I trembled at the thought of Brax’s gaze darkening, his body becoming feral and possessive.
He pecked my lips, groaning, “I’m super tired. Can we rain check till the morning?”
Disappointment flooded my bloodstream, dousing my need like ice water. Even though it killed me and tears tickled, I dropped my arms, releasing Brax from my embrace. “That’s okay. I understand.”
He sighed. “Okay, okay. If you need me so badly, I’m game.” His voice was resigned, but he smiled tiredly.
Are we really this stale?
Passion fizzled to fear. I couldn’t show him. Not now. Not when he seemed happy with vanilla and missionary every other month. I didn’t want him thinking I was a sexual deviant, or ruin our holiday before it’d even begun.
I made up my mind not to spill my secrets. It was a mistake to think I could. “No, you’re right. It’s late. We should go to sleep,” I muttered.
Moving away, I didn’t get far before Brax captured my elbow. Groaning, he ran a hand through his brown hair. “Why did you do that?”
I blinked. “Do what?”
“Lie. You never lie.”
Shame shimmered over my skin; I looked at the bright rug on the floor. “I’m sorry, Brax. I just—I don’t want to show you anymore.”
He straightened, sucking in a breath. “Why? What’s changed?”
Useless tears invaded my eyes. Stop tearing up! It wasn’t bad—just different. But I no longer wanted different. I wanted to please Brax. I hated being selfish. I’m a horrible person.
He ducked, looking into my watery gaze. “Hey, Tess. What is it? Tell me.” He pulled me to the bed and into his lap. I huddled into his chest.
What if I told him and he hated me? He’d pull away and leave me alone, just like my parents. I’d be another mistake.
I didn’t answer, letting him rock me, trying to untangle my jumbled thoughts.
Brax murmured, “Remember how we met? What you said to me?”
Of course, I remembered. He’d made me bleed. Our first encounter didn’t exactly conform to first meeting etiquette. I giggled quietly. “I called you an arse.”
He laughed. “Not that.” Stroking my back, he dived into past memories. “I was walking Blizzard on the beach and threw a stick for him. Out of nowhere, this girl careened like a fallen angel, completely out of control I might add, on a kite board. She bounced along the surf, splashing and spluttering, before a huge gust of wind catapulted her out of the water and right into the face of my husky.”
A phantom injury twinged at the memory. I’d been a flipping idiot to think I could kite board. It had been a ‘get outside my comfort zone’ attempt. It failed. Rather drastically.
Brax continued, “I couldn’t believe it when your kite took off down the beach, dragging you and my dog with it. I managed to pounce on you, but it took a good half an hour to untangle you from Blizzard with all those strings and harnesses.” His gaze darkened. “I was so worried when I finally got you free. You were bleeding pretty bad from your shoulder and had a black eye. My poor dog had a sore paw and a broken stick.” He ran a finger along my cheekbone.
The broken stick had caused the bleeding shoulder. Freakin’ stick.
“I asked if you wanted to go to the hospital, and you asked if it was really that bad. I didn’t want you to freak out, so I lied. I said it was just a scratch, when in reality it was a gaping hole, gushing with blood and bits of bark sticking out everywhere. I lied ‘cause I didn’t know what to say.”
I flinched. It had been pretty bad. Earned me eight stitches, but Brax never left my side.
“I lied and you said—”
“Never lie. The truth hurts less than fibs and fakers.” I remembered that day as if it happened two hours ago. I’d been hurt, because it was my eighteenth birthday and my parents forgot.
“The truth hurts less than fibs and fakers,” Brax repeated. “That’s always stayed with me because it’s so honest and raw. It told me so much about you and made me fall in love. So many people lied to me about my parent’s death. Glossing over the darkness, and hiding the gnarly truth.”
His arms latched tighter, pressing me hard against him. “Not having the chance to say goodbye will haunt me forever. And not knowing the truth about why they crashed eats at my soul.”
His eyes burned into mine. “So, Tess. Don’t lie to me. The truth is the only path for us.”
I nodded; he was right. I should never have brought it up if I didn’t have the guts to follow through.
“Let me go. I’ll show you.” Please, please like it. Like me.
He reached for my hand, squeezing my fingers. “I’d like to see whatever you want to show me.”
I bit my lip. His eyes changed from crisp blue to smouldering cerulean. Hot happiness scorched me, and I kissed him. “You have no idea what this means to me.”
He ducked his head, looking through half-lidded eyes. “I think I do.” Helping me off his lap, he tapped my butt. “Go. Be quick, so I don’t fall asleep.”
My new confidence deflated. Can I really ask him to change?
Brax groaned. “Tess, you’re over thinking it.” He pulled me back, wedging me between his spread thighs. “I’m never letting you go. So whatever it is, don’t be afraid.” He dropped his hand, capturing the silver bracelet. “I hope you know this isn’t just a bracelet to me.” His fingers stroked the underside of my arm; I shivered. “It’s a promise of more. When I can afford what you deserve, I’ll make you mine.”
I leaned in and hugged him tight. “I’m already yours.”
His breath turned shallow and he leaned up to kiss me. It started innocent, sweet, but slowly, he tilted his head, kissing deeper. His hand dropped to my waist, closing the remaining distance. His tongue licked mine in gentle invitation.
I clenched my hands on his shoulders as I warmed, shedding fear and uncertainty. I moaned as he nibbled my bottom lip, reaching behind my neck to make me bend into his kiss.
Everything clenched, revved, and grew slick with need.
Do not attack him. Do not attack him.
Brax stopped kissing me, and our breathing rasped. “Show me.”
He pushed me away gently, and I went to my suitcase. Unzipping the side pocket where I’d hidden the vibrator, I took the plastic bag with my new lingerie, and hid them behind my back. Sucking in a deep breath, I said, “I’ll be right back.”
Brax nodded. “I’ll be right here.
I retreated into the bathroom and flicked the lock. Placing the bag in the sink, I stared at my reflection. After a long flight, I was a mess, but I wanted to get it over with. I couldn’t stop feeling like it was a huge mistake.
You can do this. Just be honest. Everything else…we can work through it. It could turn out to be a good thing, the next step in our relationship. It might make us stronger.
I shed my clothes and stepped into the lacy purple G-string and matching push-up bra. The bra may have been über expensive, but it made my boobs look a million dollars, turning my C’s to generous D’s that spilled over the top.
I wanted to feel sexy and hot, but I really felt like a fraud. My snowy skin looked virginal against the smutty underwear—God, I look like a wannabe idiot dressed in her mum’s lingerie.
My fingers trembled as I unrolled the fishnets up my leg, and snapped the garter belt clips to keep them in place. Even more ridiculous.
I sighed, scowling at my reflection. I wanted sexy and crude and dirty—what I got was insecurity and regret.
Dammit, this wasn’t how I wanted to feel. New lingerie promised empowerment and sauciness. All I wanted to do was put my flannelette pyjamas on and forget the whole fiasco.
I met my eyes in the mirror. Just get it over with.
Ruffling my hair, I sucked in my belly and stepped out of the bathroom.
Brax was sprawled on the bed. He sat up on his elbows the moment I came into the room. His jaw dropped open, gaze raking over me. Desire exploded in his eyes, sparking something deep inside, overriding the fear of rejection.
Feminine power replaced self-consciousness.
Brax scooted higher, sitting on the edge of the bed. He shifted, readjusting his shorts. “Wow—”
Heat flashed with radioactive intensity, and I rushed ahead before he could say anything else, before my confidence could falter. I pulled the vibrator from behind my back. The little rabbit sticking out from the purple, glittery phallus made my cheeks flame. Oh, God, why was I doing this?
Brax swallowed, his eyes locking onto my most personal possession.
“I want us to be more adventurous,” I mumbled, hating my tongue twisting into knots. “I love you, and I love our sex life, but I just thought—well, I’d like to see—if, um….”
Brax slid off the bed, coming toward me slowly. He ripped his t-shirt off at the same time, leaving me to gape like a love-struck moron.
His face was unreadable as he murmured, “You want more?”
More. Such a dangerous word.
I shook my head. “Not more. Different.”
Pain flashed in his eyes before disappearing just as quickly.
“Not all the time. Only, sometimes…”
His hand shook as he reached for the vibrator. “You use this?” His finger hovered over the sliding power button. I couldn’t swallow—mortification closed my throat.
Sure, Tess, showing him your vibrator will be sexy and fun. I wanted to slap myself, but stood completely still, horrified by what he might say. I’d flayed myself open, bared my desires, only to risk ruining Brax’s feelings for me.
I wanted to yell—I’m joking! This isn’t the real me. But my lips glued shut; I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the vibrator in his grip.
Stupid. So stupid.
Brax slid the power switch upward and a battery powered whir filled the room. I looked away as he pressed the power higher. The phallus sprung to attention, screaming all my secrets.
“Different?” His voice echoed with loss and confusion as he stared at the vibrator. No doubt visualizing me writhing in abandon, using an object to get off instead of him. How could I explain not being intimate for weeks on end was torture?
My heart shattered. This was no longer about my needs. It was about his. I’d made him doubt, made him think he wasn’t good enough. Shit.
I grabbed the vibrator, hating it in that moment. I turned the power off, ripped out the batteries, and threw it all in the bin. “Forget it, Brax. It was a stupid idea. I just want you, okay? Please, don’t hate me.” I’m the biggest bitch in history.
He shook himself, hands falling to his sides. His gaze clouded as he stared at the floor. I knew that look. It was the same look when he awoke from a nightmare—terrified of waking up alone. “Tess, you have me. But if I’m not enough—”
“No!” I charged into his arms, tugging him to the bed. “You’re more than enough. I’m so sorry. Forget it. All of it. Please?” Now, I was the one petrified of being alone. If he didn’t think I wanted him, he’d push me away.
Panic made me fumble, and I lay down, pulling him on top. “You’re enough. More than enough. Brax, please—” Tears burned my eyes, chest straining with emotion.
His eyes dropped to my br**sts, biting his lip. Ever so slowly, he caressed the soft mound of flesh. “It’s killing me to think I’m not giving you what you need.” His finger dipped lower, finding my nipple inside the bra.
My breath hitched, even though so many emotions rioted within me, my body blazed for his. I needed to connect, to put this mess behind us.
“You’re stunning. I always knew you were out of my league, and seeing you in this underwear makes me realize how sexual you are.” His voice dropped with husky undertones as he continued to touch me. “I’m not sure I can keep up with you. I love you, Tess. I love being with you, but I don’t need to f**k you to be a man. I need you as a friend, as my support. Do you understand?”
His hand dropped from my breast, skirting my stomach, dragging me into a suffocating embrace. I let him squeeze the life out of me—I needed it. I needed him to convince me he wasn’t leaving, that I didn’t just ruin our relationship.
“All I need is you. Honestly, none of that matters. I’m content, so happy, when I’m with you,” I whispered.
My chest ached so badly. Could he hear the words we’d used? I was content and he used me as support. No mention of passion or unbridled lust.
It doesn’t matter. Stop being so foolish. That’s for movies, this is real life.
Brax pulled away, eyes turbulent with embarrassment and need. I reached up, pressing my lips against his. He kissed me back like I always wanted him to—with ferocity, violence bordering on pain.
I moaned, wrapping hands in his hair, tugging closer. That’s what I needed—passion laced with pain.
He broke the kiss, breathing hard. “So, all of this? Can we pretend it never happened?”
Relief ballooned in my chest. Gone was the disappointment I would never be possessed or owned by Brax in bed. I hadn’t ruined us. I couldn’t be more thankful. “Already forgotten.”
He exhaled in a huge gust, smiling crookedly. Kissing the tip of my nose, he said, “Thank you for loving me enough to take what I can give.”
My entire body vibrated with remorse. I couldn’t reply.
Brax reached behind and undid my bra. He drew it off my br**sts slowly, dipping his head to suck my nipple. Heat exploded in my core.
Brax still loved me. That’s all that mattered. Nothing else. Not kinky sex, or spicing up the bedroom. I was a very lucky girl. I am so lucky. Lucky.