He angled his head, eyes softening as he gazed at me. “It’s the truth, Em.”
“You don’t think I know that?” Tears sprang loose, streaking hotly down my face. “I just announced it to everyone! It’s out!” I lifted my face and gulped in air, waving to the hotel. “Two hundred people know that now, thanks to you!”
“Me?”
“Yes, you! I wouldn’t have blurted it out like that if you hadn’t shown up. If I hadn’t gotten so mad when Justin called you trash.” I wouldn’t even have come tonight at all if it wasn’t for Shaw. If I hadn’t gotten it into my head that I needed to stop running. That I needed to stop hiding. That I could confront my past and be brave like Shaw.
He stuffed a hand in his pocket, and I realized then that he was without a coat. He had to be freezing standing there, but he didn’t so much as shiver. He just stared at me, his expression stoic. “Is that it? You’re mad at me because I forced you to face the thing you’ve been running from forever?”
“Yes! N-no!” I looked up at the winter sky as if I would find something, some truth or answer, in the dark gray clouds scudding against the darker night. Nothing.
He was right. He’d shaken me loose from my self-imposed cocoon. Since I met him, all the old hurts had returned. The fears. I shouldn’t have come here tonight. Letting him in had been a mistake.
I lowered my gaze back down to him. He waited, staring silently, his eyes so full . . . so judging. That’s what I felt at least. Exposed and raw. Like he could see me and what he saw was something broken. Something that needed fixing.
“You can’t fix me. This wasn’t your fight,” I whispered.
“Your fight is my fight. What hurts my girlfriend hurts—”
“No. I took several sliding steps backward, shaking my head. “I’m not your girlfriend.” I shrugged. “I’m not.”
I watched him for several more moments, absorbing the sight of his face as my words sank in. His eyes seemed to dim. “You’re scared,” he said quietly.
“Scared?” I scoffed. “Of what?”
“Of anything real. And what we have is real. You love me and it terrifies you.”
“I don’t love you,” I lied.
He grabbed my face then, dragging me closer with both hands. “You love me. I know you do. I know it because I can see it in your eyes . . . in the way you look at me.” He inhaled. “It’s the same way I look at you.”
“No,” I bit out. I couldn’t be so transparent. Love was pain. It was being out of control. Like the hot mess of tonight.
He kissed me. Hard. I struggled for a moment before relenting and kissing him back. I couldn’t resist. He had that effect on me. He turned my brain to mush and made all my girl parts tingle. His mouth softened then, turning coaxing and sweet. His tongue traced the seam of my lips and I gave myself a mental shake. Seizing control again, I pushed him away.
My chest heaved with gasping breaths that fogged the air in front of me. I stared at him for a long moment before tucking my shaking hands into my front pockets.
“I want you,” he said starkly, the barest quiver in his hoarse voice. “Me and you. Together.” He drew in a deep breath, his broad chest lifting. “But I can’t chase you forever.”
I nodded in understanding. It was an ultimatum. Fair, but an ultimatum nonetheless. After tonight, I couldn’t even contemplate it. It was all too much right now.
Without a backward glance, I walked away.
Chapter 20
THE NEXT TWO DAYS passed in a blur. Georgia and Pepper watched me with worried eyes. I ignored their questions, sleeping through most of Saturday and then watching mindless television on Sunday. I checked my phone, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t call.
That night played itself out over and over in my mind and every time made me sink a little deeper into my bed, made my legs curl up a little tighter into my chest. I’d walked away from him. And he was done coming after me. I chose safety. And control.
So why did I feel so wrecked?
Pepper and Georgia marched into the room Sunday evening, flipping on the light, a bag of what smelled like nachos gripped in Georgia’s hands. “You need to eat,” she declared.
“And we need to know what’s going on,” Pepper added.
I sat up slowly. “What is this? An intervention?”
“Call it whatever you want.” Georgia started pulling boxes from the bag. “I got your favorites. Fajitas nachos. Guacamole on the side.”
“Wow,” I murmured. “Carbs.”
“For you, I’ll splurge. Especially if it gets you talking.”
I smiled and it actually didn’t hurt too much. “Bribery. You guys didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course we did.”
I stared at Georgia, humbled. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend of five years. Her first love. Her only love. I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling. “You’re an incredible friend, Georgia. We should be taking care of you—”
“I’ve grieved enough,” she said with a wave of her hand. “No more tears for me.” We dispersed cartons of nachos and small cups of hot sauce, settling into our respective spots. Me on my bed. Georgia and Pepper on the other one. Mine was too littered with pillows and clothing.
Pepper wasted little time. “So. The rehearsal dinner. How’d it go?”
“Oh. About as bad as it could have gone. But the highlight might have been Shaw beating the crap out of my stepbrother.”
“What?” Georgia tossed down a nacho and leaned forward over her carton. “Why?”
I stared at my friends and sighed. It was time. Maybe it had been time a long time ago, but the fact that I had already outed myself to a roomful of strangers made this moment easier somehow. They deserved to know. I loved them and they deserved the truth.
They watched me solemnly, as though they knew I was reaching some decision.
Opening my mouth, I told them. Everything poured out. They didn’t say a word. They listened as I told them about my mother. And Justin. And Melanie. Everything leading up to Friday night. And then I told them about the rehearsal dinner. With wide eyes they listened as I described it. Including Shaw showing up.
“Wow,” Georgia murmured, setting her carton down on her nightstand.
“You don’t think I know that?” Tears sprang loose, streaking hotly down my face. “I just announced it to everyone! It’s out!” I lifted my face and gulped in air, waving to the hotel. “Two hundred people know that now, thanks to you!”
“Me?”
“Yes, you! I wouldn’t have blurted it out like that if you hadn’t shown up. If I hadn’t gotten so mad when Justin called you trash.” I wouldn’t even have come tonight at all if it wasn’t for Shaw. If I hadn’t gotten it into my head that I needed to stop running. That I needed to stop hiding. That I could confront my past and be brave like Shaw.
He stuffed a hand in his pocket, and I realized then that he was without a coat. He had to be freezing standing there, but he didn’t so much as shiver. He just stared at me, his expression stoic. “Is that it? You’re mad at me because I forced you to face the thing you’ve been running from forever?”
“Yes! N-no!” I looked up at the winter sky as if I would find something, some truth or answer, in the dark gray clouds scudding against the darker night. Nothing.
He was right. He’d shaken me loose from my self-imposed cocoon. Since I met him, all the old hurts had returned. The fears. I shouldn’t have come here tonight. Letting him in had been a mistake.
I lowered my gaze back down to him. He waited, staring silently, his eyes so full . . . so judging. That’s what I felt at least. Exposed and raw. Like he could see me and what he saw was something broken. Something that needed fixing.
“You can’t fix me. This wasn’t your fight,” I whispered.
“Your fight is my fight. What hurts my girlfriend hurts—”
“No. I took several sliding steps backward, shaking my head. “I’m not your girlfriend.” I shrugged. “I’m not.”
I watched him for several more moments, absorbing the sight of his face as my words sank in. His eyes seemed to dim. “You’re scared,” he said quietly.
“Scared?” I scoffed. “Of what?”
“Of anything real. And what we have is real. You love me and it terrifies you.”
“I don’t love you,” I lied.
He grabbed my face then, dragging me closer with both hands. “You love me. I know you do. I know it because I can see it in your eyes . . . in the way you look at me.” He inhaled. “It’s the same way I look at you.”
“No,” I bit out. I couldn’t be so transparent. Love was pain. It was being out of control. Like the hot mess of tonight.
He kissed me. Hard. I struggled for a moment before relenting and kissing him back. I couldn’t resist. He had that effect on me. He turned my brain to mush and made all my girl parts tingle. His mouth softened then, turning coaxing and sweet. His tongue traced the seam of my lips and I gave myself a mental shake. Seizing control again, I pushed him away.
My chest heaved with gasping breaths that fogged the air in front of me. I stared at him for a long moment before tucking my shaking hands into my front pockets.
“I want you,” he said starkly, the barest quiver in his hoarse voice. “Me and you. Together.” He drew in a deep breath, his broad chest lifting. “But I can’t chase you forever.”
I nodded in understanding. It was an ultimatum. Fair, but an ultimatum nonetheless. After tonight, I couldn’t even contemplate it. It was all too much right now.
Without a backward glance, I walked away.
Chapter 20
THE NEXT TWO DAYS passed in a blur. Georgia and Pepper watched me with worried eyes. I ignored their questions, sleeping through most of Saturday and then watching mindless television on Sunday. I checked my phone, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t call.
That night played itself out over and over in my mind and every time made me sink a little deeper into my bed, made my legs curl up a little tighter into my chest. I’d walked away from him. And he was done coming after me. I chose safety. And control.
So why did I feel so wrecked?
Pepper and Georgia marched into the room Sunday evening, flipping on the light, a bag of what smelled like nachos gripped in Georgia’s hands. “You need to eat,” she declared.
“And we need to know what’s going on,” Pepper added.
I sat up slowly. “What is this? An intervention?”
“Call it whatever you want.” Georgia started pulling boxes from the bag. “I got your favorites. Fajitas nachos. Guacamole on the side.”
“Wow,” I murmured. “Carbs.”
“For you, I’ll splurge. Especially if it gets you talking.”
I smiled and it actually didn’t hurt too much. “Bribery. You guys didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course we did.”
I stared at Georgia, humbled. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend of five years. Her first love. Her only love. I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling. “You’re an incredible friend, Georgia. We should be taking care of you—”
“I’ve grieved enough,” she said with a wave of her hand. “No more tears for me.” We dispersed cartons of nachos and small cups of hot sauce, settling into our respective spots. Me on my bed. Georgia and Pepper on the other one. Mine was too littered with pillows and clothing.
Pepper wasted little time. “So. The rehearsal dinner. How’d it go?”
“Oh. About as bad as it could have gone. But the highlight might have been Shaw beating the crap out of my stepbrother.”
“What?” Georgia tossed down a nacho and leaned forward over her carton. “Why?”
I stared at my friends and sighed. It was time. Maybe it had been time a long time ago, but the fact that I had already outed myself to a roomful of strangers made this moment easier somehow. They deserved to know. I loved them and they deserved the truth.
They watched me solemnly, as though they knew I was reaching some decision.
Opening my mouth, I told them. Everything poured out. They didn’t say a word. They listened as I told them about my mother. And Justin. And Melanie. Everything leading up to Friday night. And then I told them about the rehearsal dinner. With wide eyes they listened as I described it. Including Shaw showing up.
“Wow,” Georgia murmured, setting her carton down on her nightstand.
