“I pray for you, Eleanor.”
“I know you do. It won’t be answered. Not with a yes anyway.”
Nora knew her mother prayed for her every single day, prayed the same prayer every day—Father, please save my daughter from that man.
But Nora never wanted to be saved.
“For the record,” Nora said, breaking the awkward silence, “I’m only here because he wanted me to come see you. He wants us to get over our problems.”
“How thoughtful of him. Now when is he planning on getting over his problems?”
“He doesn’t have any problems. Except that he’s up for bishop, a position he doesn’t want.”
“I’d hardly worry about that. God would never allow such a man to take a position of power.”
“That’s true. God’s very good about making sure only saints get to rule kingdoms and countries.”
“You lost your mind and your faith when you went to his bed.”
“Neither actually,” Nora retorted. “Just my virginity, and I sure as hell don’t miss it.”
“Ellie—”
“This is ridiculous. He’s the one who’s lost his mind if he thinks you and I are ever going to work this out. I love him. He’s a good man. He’s the best man I’ve ever known. I know you don’t get what we are, but I don’t care. It’s not your private life, it’s mine.”
“I’ve accepted that, obviously. Otherwise I would have called the bishop on him years ago.”
Nora clenched her jaw to keep quiet. The reason her mother hadn’t called the bishop on Søren had nothing to do with what she did or didn’t believe. The day her mother discovered the truth about her and Søren, Nora had threatened that if her mother did anything to harm Søren in any way, Nora would leave forever and her mother would never see her again. The threat worked, although only God knew why. When they did see each other, they always fought…just like this.
“Ellie…” Her mother stopped in her tracks and turned around. Nora avoided eye contact at first. She hated seeing her mother like this, swathed in a wool habit, her hair covered with a wimple, her entire body hidden in a sea of fabric.
“What, Mother?”
“Can you just try to love someone or even let someone love you who doesn’t want to hurt you? Is that too much to ask?”
Nora bit her bottom lip and didn’t answer. The question hit far too close to home for her.
“Nora? Will you answer me if I call you Nora?” her mother asked in a voice soft with concern. At the utterance of the name she’d chosen instead of the one her mother had given her, Nora blinked and two tears fell from her eyes and to the ground.
“I tried,” Nora whispered hoarsely. The muscles in her stomach clenched and her throat tightened.
“You did?” Her mother sounded both shocked and happy. “Who was it?”
Nora swiped at her cheek.
“His name’s Wesley. He worked for me. But it was more than that. He was my best friend. And…” Nora paused for a breath. “I love him so much. He got sick once and I couldn’t find him. And I’d never prayed so hard for anything in my life, prayed that he would be okay.”
“He loved you too?”
Nora nodded. “Like crazy. I didn’t realize it for a long time. I never thought someone that sweet and pure really would ever want someone like me. But he didn’t see me like that. He didn’t see Nora Sutherlin who writes erotica and does kink…I was just his Nora, his crazy friend he wanted to love and be with and keep safe. I think he would have stayed with me forever if I hadn’t kicked him out.”
“Why…why would you kick him out of your life if you loved him so much? If he loved you?”
“Because all that kid wanted was to love me and not hurt me. And you have no idea how much that hurts someone like me. And I wanted to love him without hurting him…and I hurt him so badly. He deserved better than me. I made him go.”
Nora flinched as her mother reached out and cupped her face in her hands as she had so many times when Nora was still Ellie, still a child, still needed a mother’s touch.
“My Ellie… You sent him away on a fool’s errand. There is no one better than you, my beautiful girl. Not in all of God’s creation.”
Only her years of training at Søren’s feet had instilled enough self-control into Nora to keep her from collapsing into her mother’s arms.
Nora crossed her arms over her chest and stared past her mother and tried to think of anything and anyone but Wesley.
“It’s for the best,” she finally said. “Whatever the reason we broke up, it’s for the best. Wesley…he…”
“You still love him, don’t you?”
Nora touched her face and came away with her fingers wet with tears. She held out her hand and let her mother see them.
“Many waters…”
Her mother took Nora’s hand in hers and squeezed.
“I never saw you cry over him, that year you were here. Not one tear.”
“Some hurts are too deep for tears.”
Her mother shook her head.
“Or maybe not deep enough. Try, Ellie. Try for me. Just once, try to be with someone who makes you cry like this, out of love. Not out of pain or fear. Is that too much to ask?”
Nora shrugged and shook her head.
“It’s too late. It’s been so long I’m sure he’s moved on by now. I hope he has, anyway.”
“I know you do. It won’t be answered. Not with a yes anyway.”
Nora knew her mother prayed for her every single day, prayed the same prayer every day—Father, please save my daughter from that man.
But Nora never wanted to be saved.
“For the record,” Nora said, breaking the awkward silence, “I’m only here because he wanted me to come see you. He wants us to get over our problems.”
“How thoughtful of him. Now when is he planning on getting over his problems?”
“He doesn’t have any problems. Except that he’s up for bishop, a position he doesn’t want.”
“I’d hardly worry about that. God would never allow such a man to take a position of power.”
“That’s true. God’s very good about making sure only saints get to rule kingdoms and countries.”
“You lost your mind and your faith when you went to his bed.”
“Neither actually,” Nora retorted. “Just my virginity, and I sure as hell don’t miss it.”
“Ellie—”
“This is ridiculous. He’s the one who’s lost his mind if he thinks you and I are ever going to work this out. I love him. He’s a good man. He’s the best man I’ve ever known. I know you don’t get what we are, but I don’t care. It’s not your private life, it’s mine.”
“I’ve accepted that, obviously. Otherwise I would have called the bishop on him years ago.”
Nora clenched her jaw to keep quiet. The reason her mother hadn’t called the bishop on Søren had nothing to do with what she did or didn’t believe. The day her mother discovered the truth about her and Søren, Nora had threatened that if her mother did anything to harm Søren in any way, Nora would leave forever and her mother would never see her again. The threat worked, although only God knew why. When they did see each other, they always fought…just like this.
“Ellie…” Her mother stopped in her tracks and turned around. Nora avoided eye contact at first. She hated seeing her mother like this, swathed in a wool habit, her hair covered with a wimple, her entire body hidden in a sea of fabric.
“What, Mother?”
“Can you just try to love someone or even let someone love you who doesn’t want to hurt you? Is that too much to ask?”
Nora bit her bottom lip and didn’t answer. The question hit far too close to home for her.
“Nora? Will you answer me if I call you Nora?” her mother asked in a voice soft with concern. At the utterance of the name she’d chosen instead of the one her mother had given her, Nora blinked and two tears fell from her eyes and to the ground.
“I tried,” Nora whispered hoarsely. The muscles in her stomach clenched and her throat tightened.
“You did?” Her mother sounded both shocked and happy. “Who was it?”
Nora swiped at her cheek.
“His name’s Wesley. He worked for me. But it was more than that. He was my best friend. And…” Nora paused for a breath. “I love him so much. He got sick once and I couldn’t find him. And I’d never prayed so hard for anything in my life, prayed that he would be okay.”
“He loved you too?”
Nora nodded. “Like crazy. I didn’t realize it for a long time. I never thought someone that sweet and pure really would ever want someone like me. But he didn’t see me like that. He didn’t see Nora Sutherlin who writes erotica and does kink…I was just his Nora, his crazy friend he wanted to love and be with and keep safe. I think he would have stayed with me forever if I hadn’t kicked him out.”
“Why…why would you kick him out of your life if you loved him so much? If he loved you?”
“Because all that kid wanted was to love me and not hurt me. And you have no idea how much that hurts someone like me. And I wanted to love him without hurting him…and I hurt him so badly. He deserved better than me. I made him go.”
Nora flinched as her mother reached out and cupped her face in her hands as she had so many times when Nora was still Ellie, still a child, still needed a mother’s touch.
“My Ellie… You sent him away on a fool’s errand. There is no one better than you, my beautiful girl. Not in all of God’s creation.”
Only her years of training at Søren’s feet had instilled enough self-control into Nora to keep her from collapsing into her mother’s arms.
Nora crossed her arms over her chest and stared past her mother and tried to think of anything and anyone but Wesley.
“It’s for the best,” she finally said. “Whatever the reason we broke up, it’s for the best. Wesley…he…”
“You still love him, don’t you?”
Nora touched her face and came away with her fingers wet with tears. She held out her hand and let her mother see them.
“Many waters…”
Her mother took Nora’s hand in hers and squeezed.
“I never saw you cry over him, that year you were here. Not one tear.”
“Some hurts are too deep for tears.”
Her mother shook her head.
“Or maybe not deep enough. Try, Ellie. Try for me. Just once, try to be with someone who makes you cry like this, out of love. Not out of pain or fear. Is that too much to ask?”
Nora shrugged and shook her head.
“It’s too late. It’s been so long I’m sure he’s moved on by now. I hope he has, anyway.”
