The Arrangement 11
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“I’m sorry. I knew you wouldn’t listen otherwise. Avery, I want a life for us—one with the little house and the picket fence—but that’s not what’s in store for me. I am the Ferro they fear most and they have every right to act that way. My hands aren’t clean, Avery. I’m not above reproach, and I have too many enemies. Things will never be so simple. God, and if you took my name, if they knew about you…” His voice trails off and he sighs deeply, burying his face in the curve between my neck and shoulder. Hot breath spills across my skin, raising goose bumps.
My entire body is strung tight, but his lips where they are make my stomach twist and tingle. Maybe it’s fear that makes me think of his mouth on me, doing sinful things, but the thought of wrapping my legs around his hips blazes through my mind. The moment is charged with tension and vulnerability, at least it is for me. I press my lips together several times, before I can manage the words. “Ask me. Give me the chance to choose my life.”
As the words pour from my lips, I reach for him and splay my hands on his chest, under the lapel of his jacket. My heart is beating so hard, so fast. I think about his mouth on mine and hot kisses, but worry is holding me back.
“I can’t do that to you.” Sean tenses when I touch him, but he doesn’t push me away. Instead he holds me tighter, dipping his hands lower, past my waist.
“Do you have any idea what it does to me when you stop this thing? Every thought in my head is telling me that I’m going to die if we don’t move, but I’m shoving past it because I know I’m safe with you, Sean.” My hands are splayed on his chest and I can feel the rapid beating of his heart. Sean’s passion runs deep, and his worries are real. I can’t deny that, but we can’t stay like this forever. “I know the world is unkind. I know what it means to be alone, and I’m not leaving here without you realizing that. A life without you is so much worse than anything someone might do to me.”
Reaching around his waist, I pull at his shirt, freeing it from his waistband. Sean tenses, his spine straightening, as I move my hands up under the hem of his shirt and trail my fingers over his hard stomach. He’s facing me. It’s the way I dream of being with him, of touching him, but Sean doesn’t typically allow it. In this moment, the world is dumped on its head. If I can tolerate being trapped in a warm box with no light or air, then he can bear my touch, and he does.
Sean is quiet for a moment and I can feel the tension in his taut muscles. He’s so still, except for the slow, deliberate breaths that fill his lungs. People breathe like that when they’re afraid. I know because I’m doing the same thing.
“It’s not a question of if, but when.” His voice shudders as I trail my palms across his body, tracing the lines of his torso. His skin is so hot. If I wasn’t wearing a dress, if I could press my naked body to his, I’d die. For a second I understand his sexual draw to fear and how it mingles with lust, because it’s there and incredibly difficult to ignore.
Sean’s voice is a whisper. “I can’t knowingly do something that will hurt you. I can’t let them—” He shivers and presses his hips to mine, showing me exactly how he feels. When he pulls away, I’m breathless. “Avery, you know what you do to me, and how I feel about you. If you weren’t wearing panties, I’d have that dress hiked up and take you right here and now.”
Leaning in close, my lips brush against his ear as I whisper, “Then, I’m afraid I’ll have to hold you to your word, right after you ask me something I really want to hear.”
Sean makes a noise at the back of his throat before dipping his hands lower, cupping my butt and feeling for verification of my statement. His words come out in a raspy breath. “This isn’t fair. You know my weakness—that it’s a fantasy to have you like this, here.”
I’m playing with fire, tempting fate, and being utterly reckless. Sean’s concerns are valid, but I can’t help feeling like I should have some say in what happens to us. “You should let me decide whether or not I can handle sharing your life.”
CHAPTER 12
He’s torn, I can hear it in his heavy breaths. Sean could pull away and start the elevator, but I know how turned on he is, how much he wants me. I didn’t do it on purpose and he’s the one who stopped the thing, but I have to push him. He can’t act like he’s protecting me when his actions are killing me inside.
Sean slams his hands on the wall behind my head and pulls away. “We can’t! You can barely handle your own life. Damn it, Avery. I can hardly hold it together anymore, and you’re the living proof that I’ve lost my fucking mind. I can’t have the life you want. It’s not mine to offer you. I’m sorry.”
“Sean—” I grasp at him, not wanting him to pull further away from me, but he does. A rush of cold air fills the space where he stood.
“Tell me. Tell me, if you know. If you can see how to get there from here, to that place where you and I could have what my brother, Pete, has. If you can see the path, I’ll ask you. If you can tell me how we crawl out of this hell, I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you, be anything for you, but I can’t figure it out.” He’s back in front of me, so close, but he doesn’t reach for me.
“Sean, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it takes two people to fix things. And sometimes, you have to trust blindly and jump.” Panic is rising up my throat and it feels like there’s a massive pile of bricks on my chest, but I manage to hold back the scream, and the tears.
Claustrophobia wasn’t much of an issue until my parents died, and then it got worse. I hate elevators and tiny spaces. They freak me out, and while I might be standing with a pleasant expression on my face, I’m really praying to God that we don’t get stuck. Now that I am stuck, it takes every ounce of sanity within me to control the fear, but it doesn’t want to be tamed. It’s snarling and animalistic, ready to claw out of here. Still, I push it down and keep the terror in check. I don’t let my emotions overtake me.
Instead, I reach for Sean, pulling at his belt until he crushes me into the wall with his body. I hold him to me, feeling the smooth skin on his back and those hot muscles, before reaching for his pants. Sean’s voice is gone. He’s all hot breath and powerful hands. He realizes what I’m doing and can’t hold back. As I free him from his slacks, he hikes up the hem of my dress pushing it up past my hips.
Sean’s lips come crashing down on mine, hot and perfect. His kiss is wild, demanding and devouring. As his lips slip to my neck, he dips his hand between my legs, pressing between my thighs. My body is in emotional overload. The faster I breathe, the hotter it gets. The warmer I am, the more afraid I become. The room shrinks with each gasp, but I want him. It’s a strange sensation, caught between lust and fear, and I can’t control myself. Tears streak my face, but there’s a smile on my lips. I’m insane. That’s got to be what’s wrong with me, because I almost like this. It’s intense, and all consuming.
Sean lifts me and presses my back against the wall. His strong hands grip my upper thighs as I wrap my legs around his hips. Sweat drips down my temples as Sean slowly pushes into me and my head slams back into the wall. There’s no air, no light. My mind tells me I’m dying, but my body is climbing higher and higher, tingling with that insatiable feeling that’s delicious torture. Sean’s thrusts start out slow and rhythmic. He doesn’t speak and I wonder if I’m going to pass out. It’s so hot and the air is so still. My mind is screaming like there’s a pillow obstructing my face, but the delicious pulsing between my legs keeps me sane. Sean slams into me harder and faster, rocking us higher and higher. I hear myself sob and don’t know why. I don’t understand the tears or the terror that’s coursing through me, but when I feel him between my legs, when Sean loses it and shoves into me that final time before he stills, I feel perfect, and my body responds and shatters. My nails bite into his skin as I cry out and feel the release.
The high from this is different, and I don’t know what to think. I can’t think. My body doesn’t know what I’m doing, or how it should react. I’m not sad, even though I shudder in his arms and tears streak my cheeks. My heart is pounding at the aftershocks and I can barely breathe, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from fear or euphoria.
I stay there like that, pressed to the wall with him still inside of me. Sean’s hands grip my thighs and his thumbs rub little circles on my skin. Neither of us says anything for a moment. I don’t want to move, but I can’t hold my legs around him any longer. They start shaking, so Sean pulls out and puts me down. My knees nearly buckle and my entire body is trembling, but I manage to pull the hem of my dress back down.
I hear Sean moving, redressing himself, before the lights come back on. They flicker, making me blink several times. As soon as his eyes adjust, he turns to look at me. Sean is pristine in his suit without a wrinkle on him. Meanwhile, I look and feel like a total mess. I’m covered in sweat and can barely stand.
For a moment we just watch each other. Then Sean finally says, “I can’t believe you did that for me.”
I lean back against the wall, and clutch the bar so I don’t fall over. I don’t trust myself to speak. Sean smiles at me and nods, before turning to the control panel again. I’m afraid he’s going to stop it and I can’t manage to be in here for another second. As it is, I’m going to need therapy after this, so I lunge for him. “No, please. I can’t.”
But Sean’s already done what he wanted. He pressed every button for every floor and then turns to me, smiling wide. “I needed more time, because I have something I need to tell you.” Sean tucks his chin and steps over to me, with his hands in his pockets. It’s such a boyish gesture, and so was pressing all the buttons, that I have no idea what he wants to do. The doors open and fresh air hits my face, calming me.
An irritated hotel employee is standing there with a crowd of people behind him. He’s saying something, but Sean ignores him. I take a deep breath before the doors slip shut again.