The Best Kind of Trouble
Page 96
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“I’m working on a quilt for the baby. I have to go into town to pick up supplies day after tomorrow. Want to meet me for coffee?”
Natalie nodded. Even as she knew this was about Paddy on some level, she also knew Sharon wouldn’t be doing any of this if she hadn’t wanted to.
They made arrangements and headed off.
“I like her.”
“She’s a hoot. I love how she pushes everyone around, and they all look at her with adoration, but there’s fear, too.” If Natalie ever had kids, she could only hope to have them look at her that way when they were adults.
“Oh, there’s not a doubt in my mind that Sharon would cut someone if they hurt her family. I have to respect that. And she makes really good cake.”
And gorgeous sons.
“You know she had us there to help Paddy get me back.”
“Yeah. And I know you’re perfectly capable of saying no when you want to. So maybe you should be thinking about what it is Paddy can do that will make it all right for you to give him another chance. Because you love him. You’ve been miserable without him. Your father pulled some ugly shit and that wasn’t what made you upset. You were worried about our feelings. His included. You belong with him.”
“I do love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
“But?”
“But love isn’t enough. I know I love him. I know he loves me. I just need to figure out the rest. I do want it to work.”
Until she’d met Tuesday and the rest of her friends, she’d never been able to count on anyone. Not absolutely. Even something as simple as when or if she needed a ride somewhere—even if her father was in a pretty good place—she’d learned through experience never to rely on promises. Being disappointed by people had been a hard fact of her life.
It had sort of snuck up on her, the way her friends would say they’d do something and actually did it. The way they remembered things and promises was suddenly something she noticed in its stunning regularity.
She’d had to work to give that to Paddy, and he’d earned it. She’d never felt judged by him. He’d appeared to have accepted her weird triggers. Until that night when he’d dumped all that resentment on her the way he had. But she’d done a similar thing, not meaning to hurt, but doing it, anyway.
“Paddy said he was sorry, and I believe he is. It’s unreasonable, given all the things he could have done to me, for me not to just say, hey yes, things are all right. I’m scared. Because this thing has reminded me what it feels like to be truly miserable, and I’d thought I was past it. I’m trying not to overreact because he’s not that guy and I know it.”
“You know what, Nat? Fuck apologizing for having feelings and for having whatever life experience put you here now. I don’t ever want to hear you say stuff like that because it’s bull. You are who you are. Everything you experienced in your life up to this point makes you who you are.”
Well, then.
“Thank you for saying all that. I do love him. Being with him makes me happy. I want to put in the work to make it right. But there’s a small part of me that is terrified that he’ll f**k me over and I’ll have walked right into it.”
“Eric cheated on me once.”
Natalie turned in her seat to stare, openmouthed at her friend. “I had no idea. When?”
“We were still in school. Our third year. He went to Central America for a quarter. It was one of the women in his program.”
“Oh, my God. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was embarrassed. I didn’t actually know until about a week after graduation.”
When she’d been planning a wedding.
“I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s a point here, I promise.” Tuesday snorted. “I always told myself that I’d never stay with a man who hit me or who cheated on me. He’d never have hit me, never. He just wasn’t that person. But we were staying with his parents before our house was ready. I found a letter she’d written him when I was consolidating boxes. I left him and went to my parents’ house. He followed me and laid himself bare. He betrayed me over something so stupid. But he was wrecked. We worked it out eventually. It took me a really long time to get over it. Not so much that he’d slept with someone else, but that I’d trusted him with something, and he’d misused that. He’d given to her what was mine. Anyway, I never regretted giving him another chance. But it took me a few years to truly trust him again.”
Tuesday pulled into their driveway, and once she’d turned the car off, she turned to Natalie. “I have this wound now, because of that. But I loved him, and he loved me, and he made a mistake. I had to figure out if I could live with the humiliation and keep my self-respect. Being in love means you’ll get scars. It’s the way of it. But here’s what I think you need to focus on. He was careless with you. Fights will happen. You’ll both make mistakes. But you have to figure out if you can trust him enough to let him in again.”
* * *
OVER THE NEXT WEEK, she had coffee with Sharon and hung out a lot with Tuesday.
And Paddy texted her every day. The first text had been simple.
Thinking about you today. The sunset was gorgeous. San Diego is one of my favorite cities. I wish you were here.
At first, she didn’t know how to respond. It was agonizing trying to figure out what to say or even if she should say anything at all.
Natalie nodded. Even as she knew this was about Paddy on some level, she also knew Sharon wouldn’t be doing any of this if she hadn’t wanted to.
They made arrangements and headed off.
“I like her.”
“She’s a hoot. I love how she pushes everyone around, and they all look at her with adoration, but there’s fear, too.” If Natalie ever had kids, she could only hope to have them look at her that way when they were adults.
“Oh, there’s not a doubt in my mind that Sharon would cut someone if they hurt her family. I have to respect that. And she makes really good cake.”
And gorgeous sons.
“You know she had us there to help Paddy get me back.”
“Yeah. And I know you’re perfectly capable of saying no when you want to. So maybe you should be thinking about what it is Paddy can do that will make it all right for you to give him another chance. Because you love him. You’ve been miserable without him. Your father pulled some ugly shit and that wasn’t what made you upset. You were worried about our feelings. His included. You belong with him.”
“I do love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
“But?”
“But love isn’t enough. I know I love him. I know he loves me. I just need to figure out the rest. I do want it to work.”
Until she’d met Tuesday and the rest of her friends, she’d never been able to count on anyone. Not absolutely. Even something as simple as when or if she needed a ride somewhere—even if her father was in a pretty good place—she’d learned through experience never to rely on promises. Being disappointed by people had been a hard fact of her life.
It had sort of snuck up on her, the way her friends would say they’d do something and actually did it. The way they remembered things and promises was suddenly something she noticed in its stunning regularity.
She’d had to work to give that to Paddy, and he’d earned it. She’d never felt judged by him. He’d appeared to have accepted her weird triggers. Until that night when he’d dumped all that resentment on her the way he had. But she’d done a similar thing, not meaning to hurt, but doing it, anyway.
“Paddy said he was sorry, and I believe he is. It’s unreasonable, given all the things he could have done to me, for me not to just say, hey yes, things are all right. I’m scared. Because this thing has reminded me what it feels like to be truly miserable, and I’d thought I was past it. I’m trying not to overreact because he’s not that guy and I know it.”
“You know what, Nat? Fuck apologizing for having feelings and for having whatever life experience put you here now. I don’t ever want to hear you say stuff like that because it’s bull. You are who you are. Everything you experienced in your life up to this point makes you who you are.”
Well, then.
“Thank you for saying all that. I do love him. Being with him makes me happy. I want to put in the work to make it right. But there’s a small part of me that is terrified that he’ll f**k me over and I’ll have walked right into it.”
“Eric cheated on me once.”
Natalie turned in her seat to stare, openmouthed at her friend. “I had no idea. When?”
“We were still in school. Our third year. He went to Central America for a quarter. It was one of the women in his program.”
“Oh, my God. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was embarrassed. I didn’t actually know until about a week after graduation.”
When she’d been planning a wedding.
“I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s a point here, I promise.” Tuesday snorted. “I always told myself that I’d never stay with a man who hit me or who cheated on me. He’d never have hit me, never. He just wasn’t that person. But we were staying with his parents before our house was ready. I found a letter she’d written him when I was consolidating boxes. I left him and went to my parents’ house. He followed me and laid himself bare. He betrayed me over something so stupid. But he was wrecked. We worked it out eventually. It took me a really long time to get over it. Not so much that he’d slept with someone else, but that I’d trusted him with something, and he’d misused that. He’d given to her what was mine. Anyway, I never regretted giving him another chance. But it took me a few years to truly trust him again.”
Tuesday pulled into their driveway, and once she’d turned the car off, she turned to Natalie. “I have this wound now, because of that. But I loved him, and he loved me, and he made a mistake. I had to figure out if I could live with the humiliation and keep my self-respect. Being in love means you’ll get scars. It’s the way of it. But here’s what I think you need to focus on. He was careless with you. Fights will happen. You’ll both make mistakes. But you have to figure out if you can trust him enough to let him in again.”
* * *
OVER THE NEXT WEEK, she had coffee with Sharon and hung out a lot with Tuesday.
And Paddy texted her every day. The first text had been simple.
Thinking about you today. The sunset was gorgeous. San Diego is one of my favorite cities. I wish you were here.
At first, she didn’t know how to respond. It was agonizing trying to figure out what to say or even if she should say anything at all.
