“What? On purpose?”
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “On purpose.”
“Man, you were more f**ked up than I realized.”
“I know.”
“Guess it’s you that needs to get your head out of your ass,” he said with a little laugh, but he was timid, as if he didn’t want to push me too far.
“Guess it is.”
“Are you?” he asked, all seriousness again.
“I’ve been trying,” I said. “I thought I had until June. Then you tell me Linda’s throwing a party a month from now.” But that could be good. Maybe it would force me to face my demons sooner rather than later. All my demons. “It’s okay, really. I’ll be fine. It’s a good thing.”
I hoped it was a good thing. If I told myself it was a good thing often enough, maybe I’d eventually believe it.
Jackson let out a sigh of relief.
“You still coming by this afternoon?” I asked.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
We hung up and I walked over to the desk in the living room. One month. One month before I saw Abby again. My heart pounded and I closed my eyes to calm down.
I took a seat and started working, immersing myself in schedules and e-mails to keep from thinking about the party. I replied to Yang Cai and started planning a trip to China for July. Now that the entire spring and summer stretched out empty and alone, I saw no reason to put off the visit. I’d probably need a distraction after the wedding anyway. Another e-mail asked me to present at a conference in Florida in October. Why the hell not? I’d fill up my fall schedule as well.
One week before the party, I sat down and wrote out everything I wanted to say to Abby. Every lie explained. Every deception brought to light. I laid out every penalty against me. Not because I had any hope of getting her back; I simply wanted to explain, to own up to my mistakes. I was still in therapy and it was helping. I was stronger emotionally, but talking to Abby would test my progress.
Once, I actually stood in front of my mirror and practiced what I would say, but I looked stupid, so I stopped. Instead, I transferred everything I wanted to say onto index cards and kept them in my pocket. Every once in a while, I reached down to touch the cards. I brushed my fingers over them and whispered my apology to Abby.
A few days before the party, Elaina called while I stood in my closet, trying to decide what to wear. I’d talked to Elaina a few times since the split. She had always been short—she knew, even without me saying anything, that it was all my fault.
“Hey, dipshit,” she said.
I smiled. Elaina never changed. “Elaina.”
“You ready for this weekend?”
No, but I might as well be. There was no stopping it.
“I spoke to her,” she said, not waiting for me to answer.
My heart pounded. “You did?” I asked. “When?”
“Last time was yesterday, but I’d spoken to her a few times before then.”
The question danced on my tongue. Did I want to know? Yes. I absolutely had to know. “How . . . How is she?”
She sighed. “How do you think she is?”
Angry. Upset. Pissed. Sad. Confused.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I want . . .”
What did I want? I wanted her to be happy. I knew in that second, though, no matter how much I’d avoided saying it, or even thinking it, I wanted her back.
I blinked back the tears that sprang to my eyes. Counseling had made me so emotional lately. Emotional or not, there was the truth—I wanted her back.
“She wants to kick you in the balls,” she finished.
I bit back a laugh. “I deserve that.”
“I know you do.” I heard the smile in Elaina’s voice as she talked. “I told her as much myself.”
“Thanks.”
“She wouldn’t let me give her a gown for the party. She wants to do this her way.”
That sounded like Abby. Her way. Her move. She probably wanted nothing to do with us now. She might not even show up at the party.
No. She would go for Felicia. That was the kind of woman she was. Even though it would make her uncomfortable, she’d go for her friend. And since she would be there, I’d talk to her. Finally.
If she listened, she listened.
If she kicked me in the balls, she kicked me in the balls.
The lights of the penthouse glowed through the windows. After giving my car to the valet, I stood and stared at the front of the building. Abby was on the other side of those doors.
I took five steps toward the doorway and stopped. Then I turned and took four steps back to the valet.
Story of your life, West. Two steps forward, one step back. End it. End it here.
End it now.
So I turned, but stood unmoving, watching the door. It opened, and Jackson came out. He jogged down the walkway to me.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He grinned sheepishly. “Thought you might need a little pep talk.”
“Pep talk?”
He threw an arm around me and we started moving forward. “I know it’s my fault you’re here tonight, and I wanted to give you some moral support.” He stopped, turned toward me, and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re a good man, Nathaniel West, and there’s a good woman waiting for you inside. Now, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, and I really don’t care. What I care about is the two of you working it out, okay?”
I crushed him to my chest. “Thank you, Jackson. I owe you a lot.”
“I guess maybe we’re even.”
“I guess maybe we’re not,” I said, and I knew that even though his chest muffled my voice, he could still hear me. “I owe you more than I can ever repay. If you hadn’t found me that day . . .” I shivered, not wanting to think back.
He pulled back. “But I did, so no worries.”
I clapped his back. “No worries.”
We walked together through the door.
Once inside, Jackson trotted off to find Felicia. Todd met me at the entrance, pushing through a crowd of people.
“Hell, I don’t even know most of these people,” he said as he finally made it to me, straightening his jacket.
“How’s it going?” I sounded calm, but my voice cracked at the end, and I broke out in a cold sweat just thinking about moving into the main room.
“Good,” he said. “Listen, Melanie’s here. I don’t think she’s going to do anything to embarrass you, but I wanted you to know. I’m sure she knows who Abby is.”
Fuck. Melanie. I hadn’t thought about her being here.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m going to go straight to Abby and ask her to talk.”
That was my plan. I could do it. I would do it. Walk straight to Abby. Ask her to talk. My fingers danced over the cards in my pocket.
I’m sorry, Abby.
Todd smiled. “She’s right inside. Talking to Linda.”
I gave him a quick hug, straightened my shoulders, and made my way into the main banquet room.
Damn, I thought as I entered. Todd hadn’t been kidding. Who were all these people? My eyes scanned the faces before me.
Where was she?
“Nathaniel!”
“Hey, Nathaniel.”
All these people I didn’t care about and didn’t want to talk to came up to me, slapping me on the back, wanting to chat. I shook hands but kept moving.
Find Abby. Had to find Abby.
I shook someone else’s hand.
She hadn’t left, had she? Heard I’d entered the room and left through the back door?
“Looking good, man,” someone said. “Haven’t seen you around lately.”
I might have answered him.
My eyes swept the crowd again.
There! Standing beside Linda, just like Todd had said.
She looked beautiful.
In all my dreams, she’d never looked more perfect. I could barely take her in—her upswept hair, the shimmery silver gown, the way she worried her bottom lip. The entire room faded away and it was just me and her.
I couldn’t get to her fast enough.
And still, it took forever to cross the room.
She didn’t move away from me. She simply waited, her eyes thoughtful and searching.
“Hello, Abby,” I whispered when I stood before her.
If my use of her name surprised her, it didn’t show.
“Nathaniel.”
Okay. This was good. I said something; she answered. Progress made.
“You look well,” I said. She looked much better than well, but I didn’t want to come on too strong or too desperate. Although I was certain she could see right through me.
“Thank you.”
There was a small room off the main hall—I remembered from looking over the facility’s layout. I needed to get her somewhere private so we could talk.
I moved closer. “I wanted to tell—”
“There you are.”
I looked over.
Melanie?
“Melanie, this is not a good time,” I said, anxious to get back to Abby.
“You must be Abby,” Melanie said, holding out a hand for Abby to shake. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Fucking hell. What was she going to do? Carry on a conversation?
Like, right now?
“Melanie, I—” I started.
“Nathaniel!” someone said. I looked over my shoulder. It was the man who had asked me to present at the convention in Florida. “Just the man I’ve been waiting for. Come with me. I need to introduce you to some people.”
What? No? I wanted to stay and talk to Abby.
But Melanie stood there, a little smirk on her face, and there was no way I was talking to Abby in front of Melanie.
The party would last a few hours—I had plenty of time.
I’d find her later.
Except I didn’t.
I always found a reason not to talk to her—she was with Felicia; she was talking with Elaina; Linda was introducing her to someone.
The pittance of courage I’d built up over the last few weeks left me. I’d had one shot and Melanie had ruined it.
I kept telling myself the party wasn’t over yet. I still had time. I just needed to gather my courage together, find her, and ask her to talk. Simple. Very, very simple.
I’d just do it later.
I looked down at my watch—eight o’clock. I bet the party wouldn’t even end until midnight at the earliest. I stood with a group of Linda’s colleagues, listening as they rambled on about some new hospital something or other, but watching Abby—she was hugging Elaina.
“What do you think, Nathaniel?” one of them asked.
Why was she hugging Elaina?
“Nathaniel?”
Was she leaving? Why was she walking toward the door?
Oh, God. She was leaving.
She was leaving and I wouldn’t see her until June.
NO!
“Abby,” I called, but of course, she didn’t hear me. “Abby,” I said louder, but all the damn people were too loud.
I turned and my eyes fell on the deejay booth beside me. I pushed the man out of the way and hit the off button on the mixer. I wasn’t even thinking as I jerked the microphone from his hands.
My eyes never left her back.
“Don’t leave me, Abby.”
She spun around.
“I let you leave once and it almost killed me. Please,” I begged. “Please don’t leave me.”
Chapter Thirty-four
She just stood there.
Stood there and looked at me for what had to be the longest seconds of my life.
Would she leave? Would she shout at me? Would she stay? Finally, she walked to me. It had worked. She wasn’t leaving.
Of course, she didn’t look entirely pleased to be staying. Especially when she ripped the microphone out of my hands.
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “On purpose.”
“Man, you were more f**ked up than I realized.”
“I know.”
“Guess it’s you that needs to get your head out of your ass,” he said with a little laugh, but he was timid, as if he didn’t want to push me too far.
“Guess it is.”
“Are you?” he asked, all seriousness again.
“I’ve been trying,” I said. “I thought I had until June. Then you tell me Linda’s throwing a party a month from now.” But that could be good. Maybe it would force me to face my demons sooner rather than later. All my demons. “It’s okay, really. I’ll be fine. It’s a good thing.”
I hoped it was a good thing. If I told myself it was a good thing often enough, maybe I’d eventually believe it.
Jackson let out a sigh of relief.
“You still coming by this afternoon?” I asked.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
We hung up and I walked over to the desk in the living room. One month. One month before I saw Abby again. My heart pounded and I closed my eyes to calm down.
I took a seat and started working, immersing myself in schedules and e-mails to keep from thinking about the party. I replied to Yang Cai and started planning a trip to China for July. Now that the entire spring and summer stretched out empty and alone, I saw no reason to put off the visit. I’d probably need a distraction after the wedding anyway. Another e-mail asked me to present at a conference in Florida in October. Why the hell not? I’d fill up my fall schedule as well.
One week before the party, I sat down and wrote out everything I wanted to say to Abby. Every lie explained. Every deception brought to light. I laid out every penalty against me. Not because I had any hope of getting her back; I simply wanted to explain, to own up to my mistakes. I was still in therapy and it was helping. I was stronger emotionally, but talking to Abby would test my progress.
Once, I actually stood in front of my mirror and practiced what I would say, but I looked stupid, so I stopped. Instead, I transferred everything I wanted to say onto index cards and kept them in my pocket. Every once in a while, I reached down to touch the cards. I brushed my fingers over them and whispered my apology to Abby.
A few days before the party, Elaina called while I stood in my closet, trying to decide what to wear. I’d talked to Elaina a few times since the split. She had always been short—she knew, even without me saying anything, that it was all my fault.
“Hey, dipshit,” she said.
I smiled. Elaina never changed. “Elaina.”
“You ready for this weekend?”
No, but I might as well be. There was no stopping it.
“I spoke to her,” she said, not waiting for me to answer.
My heart pounded. “You did?” I asked. “When?”
“Last time was yesterday, but I’d spoken to her a few times before then.”
The question danced on my tongue. Did I want to know? Yes. I absolutely had to know. “How . . . How is she?”
She sighed. “How do you think she is?”
Angry. Upset. Pissed. Sad. Confused.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I want . . .”
What did I want? I wanted her to be happy. I knew in that second, though, no matter how much I’d avoided saying it, or even thinking it, I wanted her back.
I blinked back the tears that sprang to my eyes. Counseling had made me so emotional lately. Emotional or not, there was the truth—I wanted her back.
“She wants to kick you in the balls,” she finished.
I bit back a laugh. “I deserve that.”
“I know you do.” I heard the smile in Elaina’s voice as she talked. “I told her as much myself.”
“Thanks.”
“She wouldn’t let me give her a gown for the party. She wants to do this her way.”
That sounded like Abby. Her way. Her move. She probably wanted nothing to do with us now. She might not even show up at the party.
No. She would go for Felicia. That was the kind of woman she was. Even though it would make her uncomfortable, she’d go for her friend. And since she would be there, I’d talk to her. Finally.
If she listened, she listened.
If she kicked me in the balls, she kicked me in the balls.
The lights of the penthouse glowed through the windows. After giving my car to the valet, I stood and stared at the front of the building. Abby was on the other side of those doors.
I took five steps toward the doorway and stopped. Then I turned and took four steps back to the valet.
Story of your life, West. Two steps forward, one step back. End it. End it here.
End it now.
So I turned, but stood unmoving, watching the door. It opened, and Jackson came out. He jogged down the walkway to me.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He grinned sheepishly. “Thought you might need a little pep talk.”
“Pep talk?”
He threw an arm around me and we started moving forward. “I know it’s my fault you’re here tonight, and I wanted to give you some moral support.” He stopped, turned toward me, and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re a good man, Nathaniel West, and there’s a good woman waiting for you inside. Now, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, and I really don’t care. What I care about is the two of you working it out, okay?”
I crushed him to my chest. “Thank you, Jackson. I owe you a lot.”
“I guess maybe we’re even.”
“I guess maybe we’re not,” I said, and I knew that even though his chest muffled my voice, he could still hear me. “I owe you more than I can ever repay. If you hadn’t found me that day . . .” I shivered, not wanting to think back.
He pulled back. “But I did, so no worries.”
I clapped his back. “No worries.”
We walked together through the door.
Once inside, Jackson trotted off to find Felicia. Todd met me at the entrance, pushing through a crowd of people.
“Hell, I don’t even know most of these people,” he said as he finally made it to me, straightening his jacket.
“How’s it going?” I sounded calm, but my voice cracked at the end, and I broke out in a cold sweat just thinking about moving into the main room.
“Good,” he said. “Listen, Melanie’s here. I don’t think she’s going to do anything to embarrass you, but I wanted you to know. I’m sure she knows who Abby is.”
Fuck. Melanie. I hadn’t thought about her being here.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m going to go straight to Abby and ask her to talk.”
That was my plan. I could do it. I would do it. Walk straight to Abby. Ask her to talk. My fingers danced over the cards in my pocket.
I’m sorry, Abby.
Todd smiled. “She’s right inside. Talking to Linda.”
I gave him a quick hug, straightened my shoulders, and made my way into the main banquet room.
Damn, I thought as I entered. Todd hadn’t been kidding. Who were all these people? My eyes scanned the faces before me.
Where was she?
“Nathaniel!”
“Hey, Nathaniel.”
All these people I didn’t care about and didn’t want to talk to came up to me, slapping me on the back, wanting to chat. I shook hands but kept moving.
Find Abby. Had to find Abby.
I shook someone else’s hand.
She hadn’t left, had she? Heard I’d entered the room and left through the back door?
“Looking good, man,” someone said. “Haven’t seen you around lately.”
I might have answered him.
My eyes swept the crowd again.
There! Standing beside Linda, just like Todd had said.
She looked beautiful.
In all my dreams, she’d never looked more perfect. I could barely take her in—her upswept hair, the shimmery silver gown, the way she worried her bottom lip. The entire room faded away and it was just me and her.
I couldn’t get to her fast enough.
And still, it took forever to cross the room.
She didn’t move away from me. She simply waited, her eyes thoughtful and searching.
“Hello, Abby,” I whispered when I stood before her.
If my use of her name surprised her, it didn’t show.
“Nathaniel.”
Okay. This was good. I said something; she answered. Progress made.
“You look well,” I said. She looked much better than well, but I didn’t want to come on too strong or too desperate. Although I was certain she could see right through me.
“Thank you.”
There was a small room off the main hall—I remembered from looking over the facility’s layout. I needed to get her somewhere private so we could talk.
I moved closer. “I wanted to tell—”
“There you are.”
I looked over.
Melanie?
“Melanie, this is not a good time,” I said, anxious to get back to Abby.
“You must be Abby,” Melanie said, holding out a hand for Abby to shake. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Fucking hell. What was she going to do? Carry on a conversation?
Like, right now?
“Melanie, I—” I started.
“Nathaniel!” someone said. I looked over my shoulder. It was the man who had asked me to present at the convention in Florida. “Just the man I’ve been waiting for. Come with me. I need to introduce you to some people.”
What? No? I wanted to stay and talk to Abby.
But Melanie stood there, a little smirk on her face, and there was no way I was talking to Abby in front of Melanie.
The party would last a few hours—I had plenty of time.
I’d find her later.
Except I didn’t.
I always found a reason not to talk to her—she was with Felicia; she was talking with Elaina; Linda was introducing her to someone.
The pittance of courage I’d built up over the last few weeks left me. I’d had one shot and Melanie had ruined it.
I kept telling myself the party wasn’t over yet. I still had time. I just needed to gather my courage together, find her, and ask her to talk. Simple. Very, very simple.
I’d just do it later.
I looked down at my watch—eight o’clock. I bet the party wouldn’t even end until midnight at the earliest. I stood with a group of Linda’s colleagues, listening as they rambled on about some new hospital something or other, but watching Abby—she was hugging Elaina.
“What do you think, Nathaniel?” one of them asked.
Why was she hugging Elaina?
“Nathaniel?”
Was she leaving? Why was she walking toward the door?
Oh, God. She was leaving.
She was leaving and I wouldn’t see her until June.
NO!
“Abby,” I called, but of course, she didn’t hear me. “Abby,” I said louder, but all the damn people were too loud.
I turned and my eyes fell on the deejay booth beside me. I pushed the man out of the way and hit the off button on the mixer. I wasn’t even thinking as I jerked the microphone from his hands.
My eyes never left her back.
“Don’t leave me, Abby.”
She spun around.
“I let you leave once and it almost killed me. Please,” I begged. “Please don’t leave me.”
Chapter Thirty-four
She just stood there.
Stood there and looked at me for what had to be the longest seconds of my life.
Would she leave? Would she shout at me? Would she stay? Finally, she walked to me. It had worked. She wasn’t leaving.
Of course, she didn’t look entirely pleased to be staying. Especially when she ripped the microphone out of my hands.
