The Endless Forest
Page 61
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“And ye canna gae someplace quiet to think,” Simon said.
A very large yawn escaped Lily, which seemed to cheer Simon. He smiled. “It’s no surprise ye need to rest after putting that burden doon.”
He rolled off the bed and ran his hands through his hair. “Sleep, Lily. And when ye wake ye’ll talk to the women. Whatever it is they have to say, we’ll go on together, as we always have.”
“The two of us,” Lily said softly.
Simon said, “And if it should stay that way, I will still count myself the luckiest man in the world.”
But she could not. She would not. She turned her face away to hide from him what he already knew.
—
It wasn’t Hannah but Jennet who came to see her next, bringing her lunch. Jennet, who had given birth twice and would do so again, in a matter of weeks. Lily tried not to look at her cousin and good-sister too closely, as she avoided all women with child. It was pure superstition, but it felt like a necessity. She wondered if Jennet noticed, and if she took offense, and then she laughed at her own vanity. Jennet had a busy life and would not spend her time wondering what anyone thought of her.
Now she dropped into the bedside chair and blew out a long sigh.
“So,” Jennet said. “I’ve brought ye lamb stew, and I am under strict orders to see that ye eat all of it. While you’re applying yourself to that, I have a story to tell. But first I have a confession to make.”
Lily sat up a little straighter.
“When I was carrying the twins, the midwife feared I would deliver too soon, and so she ordered me to stay abed. She banished me from my own household, and complain as I might, Luke wouldnae budge. He swore he’d tie me tae the bed if I couldnae follow orders, and so there I stayed for close to two months.
“The lads were at that age when ye cannae turn awa for even a moment for fear they’ll be dancing on the roof or digging up roses, just tae see how deep the roots could go. Oh, they were awful.” She said this with quiet delight.
“When did they grow out of that?” Lily asked, happy to play her part in this family story.
“Grow out of it? What man ever grows so old? You and I, we could tell each other tales for days and never come to the end of it. Why, not a month ago Luke took Nathan and Adam down to the docks and had them racing each other up the masts. And then the lasses wouldnae let up until he took them too. Thank providence they’re too small still to reach the handholds.”
Jennet’s outrage was only halfhearted, which gave Lily permission to laugh out loud.
“So there I was, abed. We had Mrs. Landry—you met her, our housekeeper—and help enough, but I couldnae rest easy wondering what devilment the boys wad think up next. It put me in a terrible mood, and I turned sour and crankit as a June apple. It was the worry, Luke said time and again, as if to excuse me. But it was more than that.
“Now I’ll tell ye something I have never said tae anybody, not even Luke.
“I wasna ower pleased when I fell pregnant with the lasses. The very idea of another babe in arms made me weary to the bone. But I had naught to complain about, with a guid man who looked after us and saw to it we had everything we could need or want. And that made it all the worse. I was resentful, and guilty for feeling that way, and angry that I couldnae be reasonable and happy.
“Every day I spent in bed listening to the house go on without me made it worse, but I couldnae say anything to Luke or even the midwife for fear that they’d tell me what a miserable excuse for a woman I was.
“And then your mither came to call.
“It was in the afternoon. I heard her and your da in the hall and then I heard her step on the stair, and then there she was standing in the door, all smiles, and before she could say a word, I began to weep and wail. And can ye guess what she did?
“She closed the door and sat wi me while I wept. She held my hand and waited, and when I had no tears left she called for tea and sent everyone who came to the door awa and sat down again to wait.
“And when finally she did speak, she surprised me. She said, ‘Every woman fears childbed and will say so, but few are honest enough to talk about what comes after. What it’s like to be held hostage, how it chafes.’
“Aye, she said just those words. And she talked about how each time she came close to her time she was torn. She couldnae wait for the baby to come, and dreaded it all the same. ‘You see,’ she told me in her calm way. ‘Everyone will praise the new baby, even the women with children of their own who know the truth.’”
Jennet paused.
“Go on,” Lily said, a little breathlessly.
“It’s just this. A newborn child is a tyrant. A merciless despot, far worse than Napoleon or King George or any other mannie ye could name. But there’s no cure but time itself. With the second pregnancy most women spend the whole nine months gathering up courage not so much for childbed, but for doing battle with a wee dictator.
“‘Now, Jennet,’ said your mam. ‘Of course you’re angry. You thought you had another month of freedom, but no. That wily child you would gladly die for has wrestled you to the ground already, and there’s naught to do but submit.’”
Jennet’s expression was so serious, but Lily could not help herself. She hiccupped a laugh.
“My ma said this.”
“Och, aye.”
“Why hasn’t she told me the same thing?”
Jennet raised an eyebrow, and so Lily answered her own question. “I wasn’t ready to hear it. At least not from her. So the advice you’re giving me is—”
A very large yawn escaped Lily, which seemed to cheer Simon. He smiled. “It’s no surprise ye need to rest after putting that burden doon.”
He rolled off the bed and ran his hands through his hair. “Sleep, Lily. And when ye wake ye’ll talk to the women. Whatever it is they have to say, we’ll go on together, as we always have.”
“The two of us,” Lily said softly.
Simon said, “And if it should stay that way, I will still count myself the luckiest man in the world.”
But she could not. She would not. She turned her face away to hide from him what he already knew.
—
It wasn’t Hannah but Jennet who came to see her next, bringing her lunch. Jennet, who had given birth twice and would do so again, in a matter of weeks. Lily tried not to look at her cousin and good-sister too closely, as she avoided all women with child. It was pure superstition, but it felt like a necessity. She wondered if Jennet noticed, and if she took offense, and then she laughed at her own vanity. Jennet had a busy life and would not spend her time wondering what anyone thought of her.
Now she dropped into the bedside chair and blew out a long sigh.
“So,” Jennet said. “I’ve brought ye lamb stew, and I am under strict orders to see that ye eat all of it. While you’re applying yourself to that, I have a story to tell. But first I have a confession to make.”
Lily sat up a little straighter.
“When I was carrying the twins, the midwife feared I would deliver too soon, and so she ordered me to stay abed. She banished me from my own household, and complain as I might, Luke wouldnae budge. He swore he’d tie me tae the bed if I couldnae follow orders, and so there I stayed for close to two months.
“The lads were at that age when ye cannae turn awa for even a moment for fear they’ll be dancing on the roof or digging up roses, just tae see how deep the roots could go. Oh, they were awful.” She said this with quiet delight.
“When did they grow out of that?” Lily asked, happy to play her part in this family story.
“Grow out of it? What man ever grows so old? You and I, we could tell each other tales for days and never come to the end of it. Why, not a month ago Luke took Nathan and Adam down to the docks and had them racing each other up the masts. And then the lasses wouldnae let up until he took them too. Thank providence they’re too small still to reach the handholds.”
Jennet’s outrage was only halfhearted, which gave Lily permission to laugh out loud.
“So there I was, abed. We had Mrs. Landry—you met her, our housekeeper—and help enough, but I couldnae rest easy wondering what devilment the boys wad think up next. It put me in a terrible mood, and I turned sour and crankit as a June apple. It was the worry, Luke said time and again, as if to excuse me. But it was more than that.
“Now I’ll tell ye something I have never said tae anybody, not even Luke.
“I wasna ower pleased when I fell pregnant with the lasses. The very idea of another babe in arms made me weary to the bone. But I had naught to complain about, with a guid man who looked after us and saw to it we had everything we could need or want. And that made it all the worse. I was resentful, and guilty for feeling that way, and angry that I couldnae be reasonable and happy.
“Every day I spent in bed listening to the house go on without me made it worse, but I couldnae say anything to Luke or even the midwife for fear that they’d tell me what a miserable excuse for a woman I was.
“And then your mither came to call.
“It was in the afternoon. I heard her and your da in the hall and then I heard her step on the stair, and then there she was standing in the door, all smiles, and before she could say a word, I began to weep and wail. And can ye guess what she did?
“She closed the door and sat wi me while I wept. She held my hand and waited, and when I had no tears left she called for tea and sent everyone who came to the door awa and sat down again to wait.
“And when finally she did speak, she surprised me. She said, ‘Every woman fears childbed and will say so, but few are honest enough to talk about what comes after. What it’s like to be held hostage, how it chafes.’
“Aye, she said just those words. And she talked about how each time she came close to her time she was torn. She couldnae wait for the baby to come, and dreaded it all the same. ‘You see,’ she told me in her calm way. ‘Everyone will praise the new baby, even the women with children of their own who know the truth.’”
Jennet paused.
“Go on,” Lily said, a little breathlessly.
“It’s just this. A newborn child is a tyrant. A merciless despot, far worse than Napoleon or King George or any other mannie ye could name. But there’s no cure but time itself. With the second pregnancy most women spend the whole nine months gathering up courage not so much for childbed, but for doing battle with a wee dictator.
“‘Now, Jennet,’ said your mam. ‘Of course you’re angry. You thought you had another month of freedom, but no. That wily child you would gladly die for has wrestled you to the ground already, and there’s naught to do but submit.’”
Jennet’s expression was so serious, but Lily could not help herself. She hiccupped a laugh.
“My ma said this.”
“Och, aye.”
“Why hasn’t she told me the same thing?”
Jennet raised an eyebrow, and so Lily answered her own question. “I wasn’t ready to hear it. At least not from her. So the advice you’re giving me is—”
