The Game Plan
Page 70
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“Baby.” I can’t help but reach out and touch the edge of my screen, wanting to stroke the soft-rough edge of his jaw instead. “It’ll get better.”
His nod is vague, his gaze sliding away.
“Hey,” I lean in. “I’ve got loads to tell you.”
Again he nods, but it’s clear he isn’t listening. Then he takes a breath and his shoulders draw back, when he looks directly at the screen, his eyes are wide open and anguished. “Fi…I don’t…” His breath hitches. “I don’t think we should see each other for a while.”
My ears begin to ring as the blood drains from my face, leaving it numb. “What?”
Dex leans forward, his eyes rimmed in red. “They’re on me all the time.”
“So let’s just tell them!” My voice is too high, too frantic. But then again, so is my heart. I can’t breathe properly. “Tell them about me and be done with it.”
“No.” His chin rises. “No, Fi. I told you before, that’s not going to happen.”
“Why? Because you’re protecting me? That’s bullshit, Ethan.”
A red flush washes over his cheeks. “Look me in the eye and tell me they won’t rip you apart. Tell me, Fi, because I know for a fact they will. And so do you.”
“So maybe they will.” God, my chest hurts. I can’t find my breath. “I’ll get over it.”
But Dex is shaking his head. “I won’t. I promised you normalcy. Or as close as I could make it. I won’t pull you into this mess.”
“So…” I choke back a sob. “So you’d rather dump me?”
He leans close enough that I see his eyes glaze over. “No. Cherry… I just figure we let this settle down for a while, not visit each other until—”
“We barely see each other as it is. What’s the point, if we have even less than this?” I have to blink to keep from tearing up. I won’t. I will not beg. “Please, Ethan. Don’t do this.”
“I have to,” he rasps. “It’s so fucking ugly here, Fi.”
My breath hitches. “So that’s it? You’re just going to push me aside?”
He blanches. “Please don’t think of it like that. I’m trying to protect you, Cherry. Even if that means from myself.”
“I don’t need you to protect me, Ethan. I need you to want me.”
“I do want you. You’re the most important person in my life.”
An ugly sound leaves me. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it, Dexter.”
“You are,” he says with feeling, his cheeks flushing dark. “You are everything to me.”
“Then don’t push me away!”
He sits back in his chair with an audible thud. When his gaze comes back to me, it’s filled with pain. “I know you don’t believe me, Fiona. But there is no one, no one, I care about more than you. I cannot let these fucking vultures go at you. Do you get that? I. Can’t. Do. It.”
A single tear breaks free from his eye. He doesn’t wipe it away but looks at me, pleading.
And suddenly, I’m so angry I can’t speak. My nails dig into my thighs as I breathe through my rage.
“Fi.” Dex’s voice comes from a distance. “Fi?”
My lips press together as I swallow down a scream. Finally I look at him, but all I see is the red haze of my own frustration. “I can’t talk to you right now.”
Dully he nods. “Okay. I understand. I’ll call you later.”
And my rage grows.
“Don’t…” I suck in a scream. “Don’t call me. Don’t text. Just…don’t.”
I slam the lid on my computer and shut off my phone. For a long time, I lie on my bed, stare blindly up at the ceiling, and think.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dex
Another day. Another practice. I don’t give a shit about anything. And it shows. My offensive line coach hands me my ass after my shitty footwork and slow reaction time letting yet another defensive end get to my QB.
If it was a game, I’d be riding the bench. As it is, I’m relegated to the sidelines to run ladder drills. I’m thankful for it. Practicing complicated footwork keeps my mind occupied, my body moving. I keep at it until I’m the only one left on the field. Push myself until my body feels like warm Jell-O.
Because there’s a void threatening to open up and consume me if I stop to think.
Fi.
I fucked up. I shouldn’t have told her all that on Skype like some dumb asshole. I hurt her instead of convincing her it was the safest thing to do for now. I should’ve waited, told her in person when I could hold her, show her I was only thinking about her happiness.
Only that’s all bullshit. I smashed her happiness just as effectively as if I’d taken a fist to her face. I saw her smiling face crumple with pain. I did that. To her. To my girl.
And it guts me. I have to make it right. Only I’m afraid I’ve done permanent damage.
A groan leaves me as I lean against the shower stall after practice, the water pummeling my skull. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend. Someone who was mine and mine alone. But the truth is, I have no fucking clue what to do when it comes to relationships.
When I finally trudge out of the showers, the locker room is almost empty, just a few guys left getting dressed, and none of them paying attention to me. Devon, a safety, is bitching about losing his favorite Grinch socks and how it’s affecting his mojo. Ryder is explaining to Morgan how to make a proper bread pudding, which apparently involves a dozen eggs and a shitload of cream.
His nod is vague, his gaze sliding away.
“Hey,” I lean in. “I’ve got loads to tell you.”
Again he nods, but it’s clear he isn’t listening. Then he takes a breath and his shoulders draw back, when he looks directly at the screen, his eyes are wide open and anguished. “Fi…I don’t…” His breath hitches. “I don’t think we should see each other for a while.”
My ears begin to ring as the blood drains from my face, leaving it numb. “What?”
Dex leans forward, his eyes rimmed in red. “They’re on me all the time.”
“So let’s just tell them!” My voice is too high, too frantic. But then again, so is my heart. I can’t breathe properly. “Tell them about me and be done with it.”
“No.” His chin rises. “No, Fi. I told you before, that’s not going to happen.”
“Why? Because you’re protecting me? That’s bullshit, Ethan.”
A red flush washes over his cheeks. “Look me in the eye and tell me they won’t rip you apart. Tell me, Fi, because I know for a fact they will. And so do you.”
“So maybe they will.” God, my chest hurts. I can’t find my breath. “I’ll get over it.”
But Dex is shaking his head. “I won’t. I promised you normalcy. Or as close as I could make it. I won’t pull you into this mess.”
“So…” I choke back a sob. “So you’d rather dump me?”
He leans close enough that I see his eyes glaze over. “No. Cherry… I just figure we let this settle down for a while, not visit each other until—”
“We barely see each other as it is. What’s the point, if we have even less than this?” I have to blink to keep from tearing up. I won’t. I will not beg. “Please, Ethan. Don’t do this.”
“I have to,” he rasps. “It’s so fucking ugly here, Fi.”
My breath hitches. “So that’s it? You’re just going to push me aside?”
He blanches. “Please don’t think of it like that. I’m trying to protect you, Cherry. Even if that means from myself.”
“I don’t need you to protect me, Ethan. I need you to want me.”
“I do want you. You’re the most important person in my life.”
An ugly sound leaves me. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it, Dexter.”
“You are,” he says with feeling, his cheeks flushing dark. “You are everything to me.”
“Then don’t push me away!”
He sits back in his chair with an audible thud. When his gaze comes back to me, it’s filled with pain. “I know you don’t believe me, Fiona. But there is no one, no one, I care about more than you. I cannot let these fucking vultures go at you. Do you get that? I. Can’t. Do. It.”
A single tear breaks free from his eye. He doesn’t wipe it away but looks at me, pleading.
And suddenly, I’m so angry I can’t speak. My nails dig into my thighs as I breathe through my rage.
“Fi.” Dex’s voice comes from a distance. “Fi?”
My lips press together as I swallow down a scream. Finally I look at him, but all I see is the red haze of my own frustration. “I can’t talk to you right now.”
Dully he nods. “Okay. I understand. I’ll call you later.”
And my rage grows.
“Don’t…” I suck in a scream. “Don’t call me. Don’t text. Just…don’t.”
I slam the lid on my computer and shut off my phone. For a long time, I lie on my bed, stare blindly up at the ceiling, and think.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dex
Another day. Another practice. I don’t give a shit about anything. And it shows. My offensive line coach hands me my ass after my shitty footwork and slow reaction time letting yet another defensive end get to my QB.
If it was a game, I’d be riding the bench. As it is, I’m relegated to the sidelines to run ladder drills. I’m thankful for it. Practicing complicated footwork keeps my mind occupied, my body moving. I keep at it until I’m the only one left on the field. Push myself until my body feels like warm Jell-O.
Because there’s a void threatening to open up and consume me if I stop to think.
Fi.
I fucked up. I shouldn’t have told her all that on Skype like some dumb asshole. I hurt her instead of convincing her it was the safest thing to do for now. I should’ve waited, told her in person when I could hold her, show her I was only thinking about her happiness.
Only that’s all bullshit. I smashed her happiness just as effectively as if I’d taken a fist to her face. I saw her smiling face crumple with pain. I did that. To her. To my girl.
And it guts me. I have to make it right. Only I’m afraid I’ve done permanent damage.
A groan leaves me as I lean against the shower stall after practice, the water pummeling my skull. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend. Someone who was mine and mine alone. But the truth is, I have no fucking clue what to do when it comes to relationships.
When I finally trudge out of the showers, the locker room is almost empty, just a few guys left getting dressed, and none of them paying attention to me. Devon, a safety, is bitching about losing his favorite Grinch socks and how it’s affecting his mojo. Ryder is explaining to Morgan how to make a proper bread pudding, which apparently involves a dozen eggs and a shitload of cream.
