The Helmet of Horror
Chapter Five

I'm busy.
UGLI 666
I never understood before why gluttony is a sin. Then a spiritual friend of mine explained. Gluttony is not so very terrible in itself. But it's a sign of a base soul. The same thing applies to debauchery. The soul doesn't become debased through committing these acts. A base soul manifests itself through them.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
No, you won't get under his skin that easily.
Monstradamus
Moderators! Give us all something to eat!
Ariadne
I heard some kind of noise. But where's the food?
Monstradamus
There's a small flap to the right of the monitor. Just a rectangle in the wall. Lift the flap and you'll find a tray behind it.
Ariadne
I found it, thank you.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
But what are you supposed to turn? Organism said ...
Ariadne
He was just joking, Romeo. Having a laugh.
Nutscracker
Let's all eat in peace. Bon appetit .
IsoldA
I'm back. Who's there?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I am. Is everything all right?
IsoldA
Yes.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I was worried.
IsoldA
I was only gone for a moment. Where's everyone else?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
They're eating. There's just the two of us.
IsoldA
What's outside your door?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
A labyrinth of neatly trimmed rough bushes higher than my head. And running between the bushes is a dirt pathway.
IsoldA
And I've got the same kind of bushes along the sides of an alley.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
An alley?
IsoldA
My door opens into a park. The alley starts right outside and along the sides there are bushes. With treetops showing above them in places.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What I've got is more like a corridor between the bushes, I wouldn't call it an alley. And it starts winding straightaway, so I can't see anything but leaves. It's more like a narrow corridor than anything else, neatly sliced through the bushes by something like a combine harvester.
IsoldA
What colour is the ground there?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Beige.
IsoldA
It's beige here too. We're near each other!
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What else did you see?
IsoldA
I didn't go very far. There are lots of alleys, and they keep branching and twisting and turning corners. I wasn't afraid in the least. Quite the opposite, what I saw gave me a really good feeling. The labyrinth might be complex, but it's impossible to get lost in.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Why?
IsoldA
Because there's a plan hanging at every place the path branches. And there's a little sign on the plan: 'You are here'.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
That's handy all right. And wasn't there any little sign saying: 'The Minotaur is here'?
IsoldA
No.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I was joking. Did you meet anyone?
IsoldA
No. But several times I had the feeling there was someone just round the corner.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
And was there anything like what Ariadne was talking about?
IsoldA
Yes, kind of. Only not exactly. Once I spotted some roofs above the bushes, but they were a long way off. And I saw fountains with different kinds of figures.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Like the one Ariadne talked about?
IsoldA
I don't know. I went through a few forks in the path and at every one there was a small ... I don't know what to call it  -  an oasis, I suppose. Trees and a fountain with bronze figures of animals. First a hare and a tortoise. They were sitting facing each other, with their faces lifted up to the sky. Their mouths were open and there were long thin streams of water spurting out. To be quite honest, it looked a bit ridiculous, as though they were spitting at an invisible ceiling that was too high, so that everything just fell back down on their own heads. At another fork there was a fountain with a fox and a crow. The crow was high up in the tree, and so big it looked more like an eagle. There was a water pipe leading up to it, hidden among the leaves. The fox was squatting on his haunches gazing up at the crow as though it was trying to hit it with the stream of water spurting out of its throat, but it couldn't reach high enough. The crow had its wings pulled back and up and its beak was open, and there was another stream of water spurting out of that, as though the sight of the fox made it feel sick.
Sartrik
Now that's something I can understand.
IsoldA
What do you understand?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Take no notice. You're a wonderful storyteller, Isolde. It was like seeing it all with my own eyes.
IsoldA
Yes, I forgot to say. The plan that was hanging everywhere looked more like an old engraving than something modern. Or like an enlarged photocopy of an engraving. And written on it in this strange oblique typeface was: plan du labirinthe de versailles . What could that mean? Is it from the word 'verse'? Because there are characters from fables in the fountains?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
A plan of the labyrinth at Versailles. That's a real piece of luck.
IsoldA
Versailles? Then why is it written with a small letter?
Monstradamus
I could suggest that's not really the strangest thing about our surroundings.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Do you mind not butting into other people's conversations?
Monstradamus
Sorry, I didn't realise it was private.
IsoldA
And where did you go, Romeo?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I haven't been outside yet.
IsoldA
Why not?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I think it's some kind of trap.
IsoldA
I think it's a trap, too. But we're already caught in it anyway. And the room you're sitting in is just as much a part of it as what's outside the door.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
That's true. I suppose I ought to go out and scout around. Maybe I could find the way to your fountains.
IsoldA
Wait, Romeo. It's dark out there already. You can go tomorrow. Why don't you tell me what you look like instead? Are you like what Ariadne said?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I don't understand why everyone's decided I was the man she dreamed about. The only things we have in common are the tattoo and the moustache. We've already dealt with the tattoo. That just leaves the moustache. And that's like identifying a man by the colour of his tie.
IsoldA
Are you really bald?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Not bald, my head's shaved. That's a big difference. People go bald because they have no choice, but they shave their heads out of self-respect. Even if it does look the same from a distance. And my mole is really small, you can hardly see it. And anyway, who doesn't have some kind of a mole on his face?
IsoldA
Are you handsome?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What does 'handsome' mean?
IsoldA
Well, it means a man is nice to look at.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Nice for who? I got used to the way I look ages ago. And as far as anyone else is concerned, it depends on the circumstances. But one thing I can say for certain is you needn't be afraid of being with me.
IsoldA
What do you mean? Do you mean I wouldn't be frightened of you? Or do you mean that with you I wouldn't have to be afraid of anything?
Nutscracker
He's trying to say that if you're with him even he won't frighten you.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Just give people a chance to talk, will you? Isolde, can I ask you something about yourself?
IsoldA
Such as?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Such as ... Do you like poetry?
IsoldA
Sometimes.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Who's your favourite poet?
IsoldA
Caroline Kennedy.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What has she written?
IsoldA
'The Favourite Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis.'
Romeo-y-Cohiba
And what do you look like?
IsoldA
How would you like me to look?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I'd like to know how you really look.
IsoldA
Medium height. Dark hair. Green eyes. They say I'm beautiful.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
But can you describe yourself so I can imagine how you look?