The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Page 43

I sat up, feeling heavy and thick-headed. Zhakkarn, still near the window, glanced back at me over her shoulder.
Youre awake. I turned to see Sieh curled in a chair beside the bed. Bonelessly he unfolded himself and came to me, touching my forehead. The fevers broken. How do you feel?
I responded with the first coherent thought my mind could muster. What am I?
He lowered his eyes. Im not supposed to tell you.
I pushed away the covers and got up. For a moment I was dizzy as blood rushed to my head and away, but then it passed and I stumbled toward the bathroom.
I want you both out of here by the time Im done, I said over my shoulder.
Neither Sieh nor Zhakkarn responded. In the bathroom I stood over the sink for several painful moments, debating whether to vomit, though the emptiness of my stomach eventually settled the matter. My hands shook while I bathed and dried myself, and drank some water straight from the tap. I came out of the bathroom naked and was not at all surprised to find both Enefadeh still there. Sieh had drawn up his knees to sit on the edge of my bed, looking young and troubled. Zhakkarn had not moved from the window.
The words must be phrased as a command, she said, if you truly want us to leave.
I dont care what you do. I found underthings and put them on. In the closet I took the first outfit I saw, an elegant Amn sheath-dress with patterns meant to disguise my minimal curves. I picked boots that didnt match it and sat down to work them onto my feet.
Where are you going? Sieh asked. He touched my arm, anxious. I shook my arm as I would to get rid of an insect, and he drew back. You dont even know, do you? Yeine
Back to the library, I said, though I picked that at random because hed been right; I hadnt had a destination in mind other than away.
Yeine, I know youre upset
What am I? I stood with one boot on and rounded on him. He flinched, possibly because Id bent to scream the words into his face. What? What? What am I, gods damn you? What
Your body is human, interrupted Zhakkarn. Now it was my turn to flinch. She stood near the bed, gazing at me with the same impassivity shed always shown, though there was something subtly protective in the way she stood behind Sieh. Your mind is human. The soul is the only change.
What does that mean?
It means youre the same person you always were. Sieh looked both subdued and sullen. An ordinary mortal woman.
I look like her.
Zhakkarn nodded. She might have been reporting on the weather. The presence of Enefas soul in your body has had some influence.
I shivered, feeling ill again. Something inside me that was not me. I rubbed at my arms, resisting the urge to use my nails. Can you take it out?
Zhakkarn blinked, and I sensed that for the first time Id surprised her. Yes. But your body has grown accustomed to two souls. It might not survive having only one again.
Two souls. Somehow that was better. I was not an empty thing animated solely by some alien force. Something in me, at least, was me. Can you try?
Yeine Sieh reached for my hand, though he seemed to think better of it when I stepped back. Even we dont know what would happen if we take the soul out. We thought at first that her soul would simply consume yours, but that clearly hasnt happened.
I must have looked confused.
Youre still sane, said Zhakkarn.
Something inside me, eating me. I half-fell onto the bed, dry-heaving unproductively for several moments. The instant this passed, I pushed myself up and paced, limping with my one boot. I could not be still. I rubbed at my temples, tugged at my hair, wondering how much longer I would stay sane with such thoughts in my mind.
And youre still you, Sieh said urgently, half-following me as I paced. Youre the daughter Kinneth would have had. You dont have Enefas memories or personality. You dont think like her. That means youre strong, Yeine. That comes from you, not her.
I laughed wildly; it sounded like a sob. How would you know?
He stopped walking, his eyes soft and mournful. If you were her, he said, you would love me.
I stopped, too, pacing and breathing.
And me, said Zhakkarn. And Kurue. Enefa loved all her children, even the ones who eventually betrayed her.
I did not love Zhakkarn or Kurue. I let out the breath Id held.
But I was shaking again, though part of that was from hunger. Siehs hand brushed mine, tentative. When I did not pull away this time, he sighed and took hold of me, pulling me back to the bed to sit down.
You could have gone your whole life never knowing, he said, reaching up to stroke my hair. You would have grown older and loved some mortal, maybe had mortal children and loved those, too, and died in your sleep as a toothless old woman. That was what we wanted for you, Yeine. Its what you would have had if Dekarta hadnt brought you here. That forced our hand.