The Lonely Hearts Club
Page 49

Katie's sobs were getting louder as my dad and Ryan approached the room. "I was upstairs getting dinner ready and then I heard a crash. I guess she was jumping around and . . . fell!' Ryan was explaining to my dad.
He set Katie in the chair and Dad gently removed the towel that was covering her face. All I could see was blood.
"Oh, no!" Ryan exclaimed, and he put his hands over his head and started to pace.
"Everything's going to be fine!' Dad said. I couldn't tell if he was talking to Katie or Ryan.
I ran into my dad's office, grabbed Abbey the Walrus, and ran back. Dad was examining Katie, who was now crying even harder. "Here, sweetie." I went over and gave her the stuffed animal that I used to play with when I was about her age. Katie hesitantly took the walrus and then held on to it for dear life.
"All right, some of the teeth are a little loose, but everything is going to be fine. I'm just going to clean up the wound and then see about stabilizing the teeth," Dad looked over at Ryan, who seemed like he was about to faint.
"Penny Lane, why don't you take Ryan to the lobby," Dad went on, even as Ryan began to protest. "Ryan, I think it's best for you to watt there. You've done all you can."
I walked out the door and Ryan followed me. Before I could even think about it, I placed my hand on his shoulder.
He plunked down on the couch in the reception area and put his hands over his face. "My mother's going to kill me."
I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. "Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong."
"there's so much blood," he protested.
"But that's just because the blood is mixed with the saliva, so it just looks worse than it actually is," I assured him.
He jerked his head up. "Why are you even here?" I couldn't tell if he was angry or embarrassed.
"My dad, he, um, thought he might need help . . and that you might need a friend." I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.
Ryan's cell phone rang and he jumped. "Hey, Mom, . . . no, I got ahold of Dr. Bloom..., Yes ... okay ... okay ... I will. . . 'bye."
"You have to know this isn't your fault," I said after he'd hung up. He just stared straight ahead, "Um, when I was two, Lucy was supposed to be watching me. She was only ten at the time, so that was probably pretty irresponsible of my parents, but she left me on the top bunk bed in her room and, well, the next thing you know, I fell off the bunk bed and onto the floor. And you know, I turned out seminormal." I bumped my knee against his. "Or maybe not. .. ."
He smiled. "I know she'll be okay, but my mom sounded like I really let her down, and Cole is so overprotective of Katie. it's just... do you have any idea how frickin' exhausting it is to be me sometimes?"
I stared at him in disbelief.
"Ryan," I said, "nobody expects you to be perfect"
"Right, tell that to the coaches and my parents."
I'd never really thought about that. I'd just always assumed that Ryan was perfect.
"It's my own fault," he continued, "I kill myself to live up to peoples expectations. Just once I'd like to skip class, drink at a party, not always say the right thing, I can already hear my parents, 'You should have been watching her, Ryan,' What were you thinking, Ryan! 'How irresponsible, Ryan! 'We are so disappointed, Ryan! that's the worst, when they tell me that they're disappointed in me, like I'm not allowed to mess up once in a while. I'm just thankful my dad doesn't need to know about this!' it was the first time Ryan had mentioned his father since he hadn't shown up at the game earlier in the year. "if I have to hear from him one more time that an A-minus is the same as a B-minus and that no decent college is going to let me in unless I get nothing but straight As . . .like t want to follow his path to being a self-absorbed prick."
My mouth dropped open.
He looked horrified, "I'm sorry ... I shouldn't have ... I didn't mean ,. ."
"It's okay" I rubbed his arm. "You're just really stressed about Katie, that's all. there's just... a lot going on right now."
He turned to me, looking so tired. "I know you think I'm overreacting, but I spend so much time doing things to not disappoint people.. . . What about what I want?"
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Does it even matter?" he replied as he leaned his head against the wall.
"Yes, it does, if it's important to you."
"Well, I can't have it, so what's the point?"
this was such a different side to Ryan -- he was so vulnerable. it made me like him even more. I reached out and held his hand again. "Ryan, you're an amazing person and you do deserve whatever you want,"
He looked down at my hand in his. "I'm not stupid, so I'm willing to settle."
I was confused; I had no idea what he was talking about. He reached out his free hand and cupped my chin. "I know things have been weird, but can we please have things go back to normal between us?"
I didn't know if that was even possible. What was normal anymore?
I nodded. 'I'm really sorry for everything. Rosanna was just. .."
"I know," he said as he put his hand back down and took his other hand away from mine. I had the urge to grab it again, but resisted.
"Well." I hit him on the knee. "Leave it to you. You come in here with your sister and you end up making me feel better."