She laughs, "No way."
I grin at her, "Way." It does sound silly.
"He's not as stodgy as we thought I guess huh?" She moans into my pillow and squirms into the bed to get comfier. I don’t love her face on my pillow like that. My nose wrinkles involuntarily.
The thought crosses my mind and I send him a text. 'You're cooler than I thought you were'
'Ah, so you see me as human now?'
'Just barely!' I smile when I press send.
'How's the guy from the gym?'
I frown, 'Not good. Bit of a wanker.'
My phone rings. I roll away from Michelle, who sounds like she might fall asleep.
"Hi."
His voice is deep and relaxed, "I thought he was your dreamboat?"
I laugh, it's playful and resembles a giggle, "Who even says dreamboat?"
"Well?"
I shake my head, playing with the edge of the blanket I'm lying on. "No. Not so dreamboatish."
He sighs and I'm not entirely sure it isn’t relief, "Why? Did he hurt you?"
I press my lips together and nod. It takes me a minute to answer, "I guess so."
"How?" His voice is angry. The switch is fast and slightly creepy.
"He didn’t…like…touch…me. He just made me do things I didn’t want to do."
"Oh my god, what?" He sounds panicked.
I moan, "No. He...like made me drink water from a sports bottle he touched and made me dinner at a penthouse he lured me to."
He laughs. I've never heard a full laugh from him before. It sounds like he's pulled his hands away, and his laugh is an echo in the silent room.
He stops laughing. No amount of Bon Iver will fix the way he's mocking me. He's still chuckling when he speaks, "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I very nearly made a phone call I couldn’t take back. You scared me. I thought he'd done something to you."
"Well he did. He's trying to fix me. He's trying to push me and I don’t want that. Not from him. I just wanted him to see me as a normal girl. As a girl at school. Not a project to fix." I realize I've raised my voice and am sitting up staring at the cold floor.
He clears his throat, "Have you considered he sees you as a girl. Not all girls are whole when you meet them. Sometimes you have to help them get there. Right now, you are a broken girl. That doesn’t mean that you'll always be broken. That doesn’t make you less of a girl." He clears his throat again, "I'll call the doc. She'll want to talk to you."
The tears in my eyes don’t come out. They stay in there like tiny kaleidoscopes, trying to make the world the way I need it to be. My words don’t come right away. I don’t hear the click on his end when I whisper, "I'm not broken." But he isn’t there. He never really is. He is the master of not being there.
Chapter Five
Weeks have passed and I have not seen him.
I miss him.
I don’t know what his number is or how to find him.
I can't find my way back to the penthouse.
I tried. I got lost.
I even attempted to use his name and 411 but that is an impossibility. People only have cell phones, which are hard to track. I almost asked Stuart to help me track him. But I didn’t. Who wants to be the girl the guy doesn’t want.
Sebastian has evaded me.
"He's still an asshole?" She mutters it over her laptop.
I look at her and frown, "What?"
Shell smiles, "I saw the look in your eyes."
I shake my head, "Just tired. No look."
"K. I won't say I saw him yesterday then."
My heart almost jumps out of my chest, "What? Where? Did he talk to you?"
She nods with a sinister grin.
I throw my pillow at her, knocking her computer screen down and closing the laptop. She shoots me a blazing glare and points a bright red fingernail, "That better not have done anything to that. I was done."
"What did he say? Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?" I'm dying. Why is she being so sneaky?
She opens the computer. I groan, "Shell, I am going to snap that thing in half."
She laughs, "He said he was good and asked me a million, no maybe a billion, questions about you."
"Like what?" I quickly grab my pillow and put it back.
"He said he missed you and wished things had worked out."
I scowl, "That’s not good. Wished? Like past tense?" Shit, the only guy that ever got me. Shit.
She tilts her head, "No. Like he's picking you up in fifteen-minutes."
It takes a second to sink in, "What? Why?" Then I get angry, "I don’t want to see him." I know it's irrational but I can't stop myself from being indignant. "He's a jerk. Why would he be coming here?"
She laughs, "Oh my god, for a girl who has never dated you have spun out head case mastered."
I jump up and start grabbing clothes. I'm furious, "Why didn’t you tell me. Oh my god. I hate you." I pick up all her dirty laundry and put it in the hamper and wipe down the room again.
She laughs, "Because I knew you would find a way not to see him and you've been moping around here non stop. You're acting nuts dude."
I'm ripping my clothes off and then pulling on new ones. I'm not even sure what I'm wearing.
I just rant. "I cannot believe you would do this to me. I told you I have no desire to see him. He was a jerk to me." I can't stop my arms from dragging a brush down my hair or lipgloss from being applied. I look at her in the mirror as I draw on some eyeliner, "You are so selfish sometimes. You just want to go off and be with Stuart. You don’t want to leave me with the lonely so you hired me a babysitter."
She shakes her head slowly.
I inspect myself and look back at her, "And for another thing, Daddy Uncle Weirdo isn’t going to just let me go out. You've probably started a war now." I dump a ton of hand sanitizer on my hands and grab a wipe to open the door with. I glare back at her when I grab my cell phone and storm to the door.
"Where are you going?" She asks, stifling a laugh.
I snarl, "I have to go tell him to get lost. The nuns raised me better than that." I fling open the door and stomp down the halls.
A guy gives me a crazy look as he almost slides against the wall to avoid me.
I stomp down the stairs and fling the door open. Sebastian isn’t standing at the bottom of the stairs. He isn’t even there. I look at my cell for the time just as it vibrates.
I read, 'Hi.'
I roll my eyes, 'Not now.'
'Don't be sassy. What are you doing?'
'Waiting for Sebastian so I can tell him to get lost!'
'If you leave the dorms message me!'
'Whatever. I already left. I'm out front.'
'Don't push me!'
'Whatever!!!!!!!!'
I put the phone back in my pocket.
I jump when I hear a voice in the dark silence, "You look nice."
I glance up. Sebastian's staring at me from the shadows of the pathway. He's leaning against a post. He looks divine. How is it possible, he's only wearing faded jeans and a beige long sleeve shirt?
"Why are you here?" I don’t move. I'm terrified I will forget that I'm mad, because if I'm honest I want him. I want to be with him. More than I want anything.
"I needed to see you."
Need. That is a strong word.
"Why?" I still have acid on my tongue leftover from yelling at Michelle and my words are filled with it.
"I needed to see you." He repeats himself.
I smile. I like that word, need. It's not want. He had no choice because it was a need to see me. I like that.
He pushes off of the pole and walks towards me. His watch catches my eye. It's shiny and not his running watch.
"Why?" I ask again.
He climbs the stairs, standing just below me, down a couple stairs. His eyes are at my level instead of a foot above me.
He swallows, "I'm sorry I researched your paranoia and OCD. I'm sorry I presumed to hire a chef to make you dinner. Mostly I'm sorry I challenged your comfort and tried to get you to drink the water."
He melts all my irrational anger. I realize I'm more hurt that he stayed away so long. I lift my hand, it frightens me more than anything in the world, but I do it. I touch his face. His skin is warm. I can feel his stubble. He looks tired.
"Why didn't you come and see me?" I know the answer. Because I am a head case. Because I can't eat dinner or drink water.
He shakes his head subtly, "I thought I should stay away. I scared you. I didn’t mean to. The way you looked at me, when we were at my penthouse was so horrid. You were terrified. I never wanted to see you look like that again. I hated myself for making you feel that way. Not to mention how angry you looked when I made you drink the water. I'm sorry, Em."
My fingers dig in slightly. I have the strangest urge. Before I can think my way out of it, I grab his face and pull him in. His arms wrap around me. He squeezes me. There is a tremor to his touch. Like he's panicked. I know I am.
His arms are fully encompassing me.
"I never meant to overstep my bounds." My hair in his face muffles his voice.
I shake my head, "It was my fault. I just don’t trust people. You scared me."
"I know. I just want you to let me in."
I can't face him. I whisper, "You can't fix me, Sebastian. I'm not broken. I'm ruined." My brain holds all the reasons why I'm ruined behind a wall. I don’t ever get to see them. But I know they're there.
I feel his jaw clench against my shoulder.
"You have to accept me for what I am."
He nods, "Okay."
He lowers his hands and grips both of mine. He pulls back and presses his soft lips into my cheek. He stays there, breathing on me. It's disturbing and delicious.
