The following month she returned to the clinic for a second attempt. And before Mandy had even peed on the home pregnancy test stick and watched the blue cross form, she knew. She had fallen pregnant. The symptoms mirrored her first two pregnancies: from the first morning, she awoke with a queasy feeling and then the pressing need to vomit. As she sat on the cold, slate tiles of her bathroom floor clenching the test, she thought about the miscarriages she had had with Sean and prayed that history would not repeat itself, that it would be third time lucky.
Truth be told, Mandy wasn’t sure how she should be feeling. She was aware she should be delighted and excited, yet fear was the only emotion coursing through her veins, and as hard as she tried not to, she couldn’t stop weeping.
The first person Mandy had called with the good news was Chloe, who she’d grown close to like a sister. She wanted Chloe to be by her side when she told Pat.
‘As I’m going to be a grandma, you can call me mum if you want,’ Pat had suggested through her tears. Mandy smiled politely but it didn’t sit comfortably with her. They were close, but she wasn’t sure if she was there yet.
Now she was without the day-to-day grind of work in a job she’d grown to loathe, Mandy spent more time in the company of Pat and Chloe. Pat was still on compassionate leave from her work in the accounts department of a supermarket, and with Chloe living just a few streets away from her mother, the three women spent many of their days and evenings together.
Mandy often stayed the night at Pat’s house, although she was no longer consigned to the spare room, having been offered Richard’s bedroom instead. It was in his bed, surrounded by his smells and his invisible presence, that she was able to sleep the night through. And it was also a place where her dreams of Richard remained unsullied by the reality of her situation.
With her first trimester complete, Mandy felt more confident in telling her friends that she was expecting. But she had no idea how she was going to break the news to her family. It was her fault that they’d been estranged for so long and she didn’t know how to seal the rift.
She was caught off-guard, however, when her doorbell rang and she saw Paula and Karen’s faces.
‘What’s going on?’ began Paula before she’d even walked through the door. ‘You never answer our calls, we get a text from you once in a blue moon and you haven’t spent time with your nieces and nephew in weeks.’
‘Is this Richard knocking you around?’ asked Karen bluntly. ‘You can tell us if he is and we can help you. You don’t have to stay with him just because he’s your Match.’
‘No, no, look, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a bad sister and aunty, it’s just that it’s been a … peculiar few months.’
Mandy ushered them inside and into the lounge. They sat next to each other on the sofa with puzzled expressions, fixated on their aloof sister who paced the length of the carpet.
‘What do you mean by peculiar?’ Karen asked. ‘What’s going on? Mum’s worried about you. We all are.’
With no words to describe what had been going on, Mandy simply hitched up her jumper to reveal a small but noticeable baby bump. Karen and Paula reacted just how she thought they would: they let out high-pitched squeals and jumped up to hug and squeeze her.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ shrieked Paula.
‘And is everything all right with the baby?’ asked Karen.
‘After the last two miscarriages I wanted to make sure I got through the first three months OK. And yes, Karen, the baby’s fine. It’s growing at a healthy rate and everything looks good.’
‘And what does Richard think? Are we finally going to meet the father-to-be?’
‘Where is he?’ Paula turned her head to peer into the kitchen and dining room.
‘I think you need to sit down again,’ began Mandy calmly.
‘Don’t tell me the little shit’s done a runner? Kaz, didn’t I say that’s why we haven’t met him? He’s dumped her. How’s that even possible? I didn’t think you could get binned by your Match?’
‘No no, he hasn’t dumped me. Richard doesn’t know about the baby because … because Richard is no longer with us.’
Mandy’s sisters frowned and looked at each other, unsure if they understood her correctly.
‘So he has left you?’ said Paula.
‘No, I mean he has left us in another way.’
‘What other way is there, other than he’s dead?’ asked Karen.
Mandy said nothing.
‘Oh.’ Karen’s face fell.
‘Your boyfriend died and you didn’t say anything?’ Paula said quietly. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
Mandy took a deep breath before she explained. ‘Richard was never my boyfriend …’ she spoke slowly and deliberately ‘… because he and I never met. Soon after I found out I had a Match, I learned he’d been killed in a hit and run.’
Karen stared at her with a concerned expression, then reached for her hand. ‘Then how are you pregnant, hon?’
‘I’m not mad, Kaz, and this isn’t a figment of my imagination. Richard had cancer when he was a teenager so he stored his sperm in a fertility clinic bank. I’ve been getting to know his family over the last few months and his mum asked me if I’d consider having his child using his sperm.’ As she spoke, Mandy realised how ridiculous it sounded. If only they could understand, she thought.
Karen quickly withdrew her hand. The mood in the room dramatically shifted.
‘You what? She just gave away her son’s spunk to a complete stranger? And you said yes?’
‘No, it’s not like that.’
‘Then what is it like? You’re carrying a dead man’s baby! It’s … it’s wrong.’
Mandy shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She wanted to convey to her sisters what it was like to feel love for somebody who was not there in person, what it was like to have a deep sense of connection, no matter the obstacles, but she could tell by their disapproving glares that they would remain unconvinced by the choice she’d made.
‘I’m sorry, Mandy, you know I love you, but I think this is so, so inappropriate,’ began Paula, while Karen nodded her support. ‘Having a baby by a dead bloke you’ve never met with the permission of a woman you barely know? It’s bloody ridiculous.’
‘How is it any different from women who go it alone with an anonymous sperm donor?’
‘Of course it’s different! Your donor’s dead, isn’t he?’
‘But he’s my Match and I love him.’ Immediately Mandy wanted to take her last comment back.
‘You can’t be in love with a man you’ve never met, Mandy. You’re in love with the idea of being in love and his family have put these silly ideas into your head. You’re not and you never will be part of their family. You’re just their incubator … a rent-a-womb … a surrogate.’
Mandy’s temper rose and she struggled to keep it in check.
‘How dare you say that! You don’t know the first thing about them or what I’ve been through in the last few months. Just because it’s not a conventional relationship like yours, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Not everyone can be like you … not everyone can find their Match and live happily ever after.’
Truth be told, Mandy wasn’t sure how she should be feeling. She was aware she should be delighted and excited, yet fear was the only emotion coursing through her veins, and as hard as she tried not to, she couldn’t stop weeping.
The first person Mandy had called with the good news was Chloe, who she’d grown close to like a sister. She wanted Chloe to be by her side when she told Pat.
‘As I’m going to be a grandma, you can call me mum if you want,’ Pat had suggested through her tears. Mandy smiled politely but it didn’t sit comfortably with her. They were close, but she wasn’t sure if she was there yet.
Now she was without the day-to-day grind of work in a job she’d grown to loathe, Mandy spent more time in the company of Pat and Chloe. Pat was still on compassionate leave from her work in the accounts department of a supermarket, and with Chloe living just a few streets away from her mother, the three women spent many of their days and evenings together.
Mandy often stayed the night at Pat’s house, although she was no longer consigned to the spare room, having been offered Richard’s bedroom instead. It was in his bed, surrounded by his smells and his invisible presence, that she was able to sleep the night through. And it was also a place where her dreams of Richard remained unsullied by the reality of her situation.
With her first trimester complete, Mandy felt more confident in telling her friends that she was expecting. But she had no idea how she was going to break the news to her family. It was her fault that they’d been estranged for so long and she didn’t know how to seal the rift.
She was caught off-guard, however, when her doorbell rang and she saw Paula and Karen’s faces.
‘What’s going on?’ began Paula before she’d even walked through the door. ‘You never answer our calls, we get a text from you once in a blue moon and you haven’t spent time with your nieces and nephew in weeks.’
‘Is this Richard knocking you around?’ asked Karen bluntly. ‘You can tell us if he is and we can help you. You don’t have to stay with him just because he’s your Match.’
‘No, no, look, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a bad sister and aunty, it’s just that it’s been a … peculiar few months.’
Mandy ushered them inside and into the lounge. They sat next to each other on the sofa with puzzled expressions, fixated on their aloof sister who paced the length of the carpet.
‘What do you mean by peculiar?’ Karen asked. ‘What’s going on? Mum’s worried about you. We all are.’
With no words to describe what had been going on, Mandy simply hitched up her jumper to reveal a small but noticeable baby bump. Karen and Paula reacted just how she thought they would: they let out high-pitched squeals and jumped up to hug and squeeze her.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ shrieked Paula.
‘And is everything all right with the baby?’ asked Karen.
‘After the last two miscarriages I wanted to make sure I got through the first three months OK. And yes, Karen, the baby’s fine. It’s growing at a healthy rate and everything looks good.’
‘And what does Richard think? Are we finally going to meet the father-to-be?’
‘Where is he?’ Paula turned her head to peer into the kitchen and dining room.
‘I think you need to sit down again,’ began Mandy calmly.
‘Don’t tell me the little shit’s done a runner? Kaz, didn’t I say that’s why we haven’t met him? He’s dumped her. How’s that even possible? I didn’t think you could get binned by your Match?’
‘No no, he hasn’t dumped me. Richard doesn’t know about the baby because … because Richard is no longer with us.’
Mandy’s sisters frowned and looked at each other, unsure if they understood her correctly.
‘So he has left you?’ said Paula.
‘No, I mean he has left us in another way.’
‘What other way is there, other than he’s dead?’ asked Karen.
Mandy said nothing.
‘Oh.’ Karen’s face fell.
‘Your boyfriend died and you didn’t say anything?’ Paula said quietly. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
Mandy took a deep breath before she explained. ‘Richard was never my boyfriend …’ she spoke slowly and deliberately ‘… because he and I never met. Soon after I found out I had a Match, I learned he’d been killed in a hit and run.’
Karen stared at her with a concerned expression, then reached for her hand. ‘Then how are you pregnant, hon?’
‘I’m not mad, Kaz, and this isn’t a figment of my imagination. Richard had cancer when he was a teenager so he stored his sperm in a fertility clinic bank. I’ve been getting to know his family over the last few months and his mum asked me if I’d consider having his child using his sperm.’ As she spoke, Mandy realised how ridiculous it sounded. If only they could understand, she thought.
Karen quickly withdrew her hand. The mood in the room dramatically shifted.
‘You what? She just gave away her son’s spunk to a complete stranger? And you said yes?’
‘No, it’s not like that.’
‘Then what is it like? You’re carrying a dead man’s baby! It’s … it’s wrong.’
Mandy shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She wanted to convey to her sisters what it was like to feel love for somebody who was not there in person, what it was like to have a deep sense of connection, no matter the obstacles, but she could tell by their disapproving glares that they would remain unconvinced by the choice she’d made.
‘I’m sorry, Mandy, you know I love you, but I think this is so, so inappropriate,’ began Paula, while Karen nodded her support. ‘Having a baby by a dead bloke you’ve never met with the permission of a woman you barely know? It’s bloody ridiculous.’
‘How is it any different from women who go it alone with an anonymous sperm donor?’
‘Of course it’s different! Your donor’s dead, isn’t he?’
‘But he’s my Match and I love him.’ Immediately Mandy wanted to take her last comment back.
‘You can’t be in love with a man you’ve never met, Mandy. You’re in love with the idea of being in love and his family have put these silly ideas into your head. You’re not and you never will be part of their family. You’re just their incubator … a rent-a-womb … a surrogate.’
Mandy’s temper rose and she struggled to keep it in check.
‘How dare you say that! You don’t know the first thing about them or what I’ve been through in the last few months. Just because it’s not a conventional relationship like yours, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Not everyone can be like you … not everyone can find their Match and live happily ever after.’
