‘What?’
‘Downstairs, when you were tearing a strip out of our best friends. God knows why you did that.’ She gave a small hysterical laugh. ‘You said, “Nobody in the world exists right at that moment apart from you and him.” You were referring to Alexander, weren’t you? When you went to that appointment, you felt it, didn’t you? All that stuff you said about love being like a tsunami … You’ve fallen in love with him.’
Nick said nothing. He couldn’t bring himself to raise his head to look Sally in the eye. He’d already lied to her enough of late.
‘I’m a fucking idiot.’ She laughed. ‘Have you been seeing him?’
Again, Nick didn’t reply.
‘Of course you have,’ she continued. ‘All those late nights at work, the weekends where you and your boss were supposed to be laying out new campaigns and strategies. You were with him, weren’t you?’
Nick nodded reluctantly.
‘So you are gay.’
‘I don’t know what I am or what this is, Sally.’
‘But you have feelings for him.’
Nick paused before saying, ‘Yes.’
‘And does he have feelings for you?’
‘I guess so.’
‘You mean you’re unsure?’
‘We haven’t discussed it.’
Sally laughed again, a dangerous glint in her eye. Her voice was getting louder and louder as she questioned him. ‘How come, because you spend all your time screwing and not talking?’
‘We don’t do that.’
‘You really expect me to believe you?’
‘No, but I’m telling you that nothing has happened between us … nothing like that.’
‘But you’d like it to.’
‘I don’t know what I want.’
Nick was telling the truth. The line between what he felt for Alex emotionally and physically were starting to blur, and there had indeed been times where he had imagined what it might be like to be intimate with him. He’d even watched a couple of porn clips on his laptop to see how same-sex sex worked, and while he wasn’t turned on by it, he wasn’t repulsed either.
‘Even if it’s not physical between you two, it is emotional and that’s the equivalent of an affair.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Nick muttered, and held his head in his hands.
‘How could you do this to me?’ Sally cried and sat on the end of the bed, staring at the exposed brick in front of her. ‘You know I grew up in a family where all my parents did was lie to each other about fidelity and you know what honesty means to me. Then you do this—’
‘I didn’t start it,’ Nick interrupted. ‘You were the one who wasn’t happy with the way we were. You were the one who kept scratching and scratching until you created a sore and now I’ve picked at the scab and this has happened. You should have left things the way they were.’
‘But I was right not to because we weren’t Matched! We were in love but deep down we both knew there was none of that “fireworks” stuff like you spoke about earlier. We don’t have the “explosions” like you have with him.’
‘We could have been happy if you’d just left us as we were and we hadn’t done that test in the first place,’ Nick said, resigned to her anger.
‘Then you should never have seen him again!’ she yelled.
‘You don’t know what it’s like to meet someone you are Matched with because you don’t have that!’
Sally’s anger was brimming at the surface and she opened her mouth to retort, but then stopped herself. She dropped down to the floor and began to cry, her body wrapping itself into a protective ball.
Sally was the backbone of their relationship, and he’d never seen her like this before. Nick was scared that he’d broken her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, but she recoiled from his touch, just like he’d done to her earlier.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.’
‘Yes you did,’ she replied. ‘And you’re right: I pushed you into this and now I don’t know how to make it stop.’
‘Neither do I.’
Sally wiped a tear from her cheek and took a shuddering breath. ‘There’s only one way this can go, Nick, and although it kills me to say it, for my own sanity, I have to let you go. If it was another person you weren’t Matched with, then I’d put up a fight. But I can’t battle with genetics. It’s a war I’m never going to win.’
Nick felt tears streaming down his face. ‘What are you saying?’
Sally took a deep breath before she spoke. ‘You should be with Alex and not me.’
Chapter 60
ELLIE
It was at Tim’s suggestion that they spent Christmas Day with Ellie’s family in Derbyshire.
She’d dreaded the thought of being stuck in slow Christmas traffic for much of the 130-mile journey, so, as a special treat, she had Andrei drive them to a private Elstree airfield where a waiting helicopter flew them to a school playing field close to her parents’ home.
For the last five years at least, Ellie had invented a variety of excuses not to spend the festive period with her family, concerned that after the initial flurry of excitement upon her arrival, she would run out things to talk about. But Tim had helped her to understand that to feel part of something she had to be part of it too.
Once their clothes were unpacked in Ellie’s old bedroom, they joined the rest of the family for Christmas Eve drinks at the local pub, and the following day they celebrated Christmas Day at home. It was much like the Christmases she had enjoyed as a child, only now the family had extended to include partners and excitable nieces, nephews and grandchildren. It was a far cry from Ellie’s last Christmas, where much of it had been spent in the office working on the coming year’s growth strategy reports.
With a traditional lunch finished, the kids were busy playing a combat game on a console Ellie had bought them, while her parents were fast asleep on the sofa. Ellie cleared the table and carried the dirty dishes towards the kitchen. She paused for a moment under the architrave of the doorway and watched Tim and her sister Maggie, where they were washing dishes at the sink, taking on the parts of Kirsty McColl and Shane McGowan as ‘Fairytale of New York’ played on the radio.
The conversation with her head of personnel, in which Kat had said she’d once interviewed Tim for a job, was playing on her mind. But as Ellie watched him interact with her family with such ease and confidence, she knew it was wrong to doubt him. She was no longer willing herself to fall in love with her Match – she was already there.
She wished she hadn’t sidelined her family for so long, especially as Tim no longer had one of his own after losing his mother, his one and only relative, to cancer.
Ellie wasn’t sure if it was the warmth of the central heating or the platefuls of food in her stomach that made her feel like she was glowing, and she didn’t care to question it. For so long she’d wondered if it was possible to have it all, and if she even deserved it. Now, looking at the people she loved the most, she knew the answer.
By the morning after Boxing Day, Tim and Ellie were strapped into their helicopter seats and on their way back to London. Tim had insisted they stay at her townhouse for a few days instead of his Leighton Buzzard home, but wouldn’t elaborate as to why.
‘Downstairs, when you were tearing a strip out of our best friends. God knows why you did that.’ She gave a small hysterical laugh. ‘You said, “Nobody in the world exists right at that moment apart from you and him.” You were referring to Alexander, weren’t you? When you went to that appointment, you felt it, didn’t you? All that stuff you said about love being like a tsunami … You’ve fallen in love with him.’
Nick said nothing. He couldn’t bring himself to raise his head to look Sally in the eye. He’d already lied to her enough of late.
‘I’m a fucking idiot.’ She laughed. ‘Have you been seeing him?’
Again, Nick didn’t reply.
‘Of course you have,’ she continued. ‘All those late nights at work, the weekends where you and your boss were supposed to be laying out new campaigns and strategies. You were with him, weren’t you?’
Nick nodded reluctantly.
‘So you are gay.’
‘I don’t know what I am or what this is, Sally.’
‘But you have feelings for him.’
Nick paused before saying, ‘Yes.’
‘And does he have feelings for you?’
‘I guess so.’
‘You mean you’re unsure?’
‘We haven’t discussed it.’
Sally laughed again, a dangerous glint in her eye. Her voice was getting louder and louder as she questioned him. ‘How come, because you spend all your time screwing and not talking?’
‘We don’t do that.’
‘You really expect me to believe you?’
‘No, but I’m telling you that nothing has happened between us … nothing like that.’
‘But you’d like it to.’
‘I don’t know what I want.’
Nick was telling the truth. The line between what he felt for Alex emotionally and physically were starting to blur, and there had indeed been times where he had imagined what it might be like to be intimate with him. He’d even watched a couple of porn clips on his laptop to see how same-sex sex worked, and while he wasn’t turned on by it, he wasn’t repulsed either.
‘Even if it’s not physical between you two, it is emotional and that’s the equivalent of an affair.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Nick muttered, and held his head in his hands.
‘How could you do this to me?’ Sally cried and sat on the end of the bed, staring at the exposed brick in front of her. ‘You know I grew up in a family where all my parents did was lie to each other about fidelity and you know what honesty means to me. Then you do this—’
‘I didn’t start it,’ Nick interrupted. ‘You were the one who wasn’t happy with the way we were. You were the one who kept scratching and scratching until you created a sore and now I’ve picked at the scab and this has happened. You should have left things the way they were.’
‘But I was right not to because we weren’t Matched! We were in love but deep down we both knew there was none of that “fireworks” stuff like you spoke about earlier. We don’t have the “explosions” like you have with him.’
‘We could have been happy if you’d just left us as we were and we hadn’t done that test in the first place,’ Nick said, resigned to her anger.
‘Then you should never have seen him again!’ she yelled.
‘You don’t know what it’s like to meet someone you are Matched with because you don’t have that!’
Sally’s anger was brimming at the surface and she opened her mouth to retort, but then stopped herself. She dropped down to the floor and began to cry, her body wrapping itself into a protective ball.
Sally was the backbone of their relationship, and he’d never seen her like this before. Nick was scared that he’d broken her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, but she recoiled from his touch, just like he’d done to her earlier.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.’
‘Yes you did,’ she replied. ‘And you’re right: I pushed you into this and now I don’t know how to make it stop.’
‘Neither do I.’
Sally wiped a tear from her cheek and took a shuddering breath. ‘There’s only one way this can go, Nick, and although it kills me to say it, for my own sanity, I have to let you go. If it was another person you weren’t Matched with, then I’d put up a fight. But I can’t battle with genetics. It’s a war I’m never going to win.’
Nick felt tears streaming down his face. ‘What are you saying?’
Sally took a deep breath before she spoke. ‘You should be with Alex and not me.’
Chapter 60
ELLIE
It was at Tim’s suggestion that they spent Christmas Day with Ellie’s family in Derbyshire.
She’d dreaded the thought of being stuck in slow Christmas traffic for much of the 130-mile journey, so, as a special treat, she had Andrei drive them to a private Elstree airfield where a waiting helicopter flew them to a school playing field close to her parents’ home.
For the last five years at least, Ellie had invented a variety of excuses not to spend the festive period with her family, concerned that after the initial flurry of excitement upon her arrival, she would run out things to talk about. But Tim had helped her to understand that to feel part of something she had to be part of it too.
Once their clothes were unpacked in Ellie’s old bedroom, they joined the rest of the family for Christmas Eve drinks at the local pub, and the following day they celebrated Christmas Day at home. It was much like the Christmases she had enjoyed as a child, only now the family had extended to include partners and excitable nieces, nephews and grandchildren. It was a far cry from Ellie’s last Christmas, where much of it had been spent in the office working on the coming year’s growth strategy reports.
With a traditional lunch finished, the kids were busy playing a combat game on a console Ellie had bought them, while her parents were fast asleep on the sofa. Ellie cleared the table and carried the dirty dishes towards the kitchen. She paused for a moment under the architrave of the doorway and watched Tim and her sister Maggie, where they were washing dishes at the sink, taking on the parts of Kirsty McColl and Shane McGowan as ‘Fairytale of New York’ played on the radio.
The conversation with her head of personnel, in which Kat had said she’d once interviewed Tim for a job, was playing on her mind. But as Ellie watched him interact with her family with such ease and confidence, she knew it was wrong to doubt him. She was no longer willing herself to fall in love with her Match – she was already there.
She wished she hadn’t sidelined her family for so long, especially as Tim no longer had one of his own after losing his mother, his one and only relative, to cancer.
Ellie wasn’t sure if it was the warmth of the central heating or the platefuls of food in her stomach that made her feel like she was glowing, and she didn’t care to question it. For so long she’d wondered if it was possible to have it all, and if she even deserved it. Now, looking at the people she loved the most, she knew the answer.
By the morning after Boxing Day, Tim and Ellie were strapped into their helicopter seats and on their way back to London. Tim had insisted they stay at her townhouse for a few days instead of his Leighton Buzzard home, but wouldn’t elaborate as to why.
