Christopher felt a sudden urge to strip away the layers he’d spent years building and explain everything about who he was and what he’d been doing. He wanted her to know that while people had loved him in the past, he had never known how to accept it until now; how before Amy appeared he was merely living to type, but now the dark side of his nature, which formed so much of who he was, was diluting. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to be completely honest and vulnerable for someone.
He paused and closed his eyes, opening his mouth for the big reveal. But self-preservation prevented his voice from escaping. He reminded himself that if he gave up on his mission now, then for the rest of his life it would become his only regret. A tiny portion of him would resent Amy for coming between him and his killings, and gradually that rancour would grow from a seed into a tree that would eventually block out the light that shone from her. And it scared him what he might do to her if he ever felt himself begrudging her.
‘I want everything that you want,’ he said quietly, and meant it.
Then he stared at the table, afraid to look her in the eye in case she saw straight through him and realised the man she loved had no soul.
Chapter 78
JADE
With just two days until she began the next leg of her Australian adventure, Jade was no longer as eager to leave Kevin’s family farm as she had been.
Mark’s kiss had changed everything. Loyalty and common decency had initially kept them apart, but after giving in to their emotions that one time in the pool, they were now making up for lost time, stealing as many moments as they could when nobody was looking. Jade would accompany Mark to town to pick up supplies, holding his hand on the gearstick; their arms would brush up against each other’s at the dining table and she’d assist him herding the cows into the sheds before fixing them up to the milking machinery. Every minute spent with Mark made Jade’s heart threaten to beat its way out of her chest.
He was an addiction she didn’t want to be free of. And the more she had of him, the more she craved.
As she packed her suitcase and prepared herself for her forthcoming solo journey around Australia, the need to be with him was the strongest it had ever been. She felt short of breath when she thought of what the next five weeks might feel like without him nearby, and an ever-growing part of her wanted to stay on the farm.
Then, on Jade’s final night, she decided their kisses, hand-holding and infrequent frissons were no longer enough. She slipped the silver band from her wedding finger and left it on her bedside table, then closed the door to the guesthouse and silently padded towards Mark’s bedroom in the main house. Her hands felt clammy as she reached for the handle and she prayed to God he wasn’t going to reject her advances. But his door was already ajar and, when she pushed it open, she found him lying awake facing her, as if he’d been expecting her to come.
He pulled the sheet to one side to invite her in.
‘Come with me tomorrow,’ Jade whispered afterwards, her body exhausted and her lungs close to breathless.
‘You know I can’t, it’s too complicated.’
‘Don’t you think I know that? I was the one who married your brother.’
‘And I’m the one who’s just screwed his wife.’
‘What did you just say?’ she asked, pushing herself away from him. ‘Is that all I am to you, a shag?’
‘I’m sorry, it’s not what I meant.’
‘It’s what you said, though. I’m not some cheap slapper who jumps into bed with any lad.’
‘I know, I know and I shouldn’t have said that.’ Mark reached out to hold her hand.
‘You and I know there’s something here that’s bigger than both of us.’
Mark nodded.
‘So come with me. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it could be in a week or a fortnight’s time. Just tell your parents you need to get away from here to clear your head. Give us some time together on our own to figure out what this is. You owe us this chance.’
‘Jade, I’m needed here.’
‘And I need you.’
‘I can’t do that to my family or to Kevin’s memory. How can I tell people … people who came to his funeral two weeks ago, that I’m in love with my sister-in-law?’
Mark’s use of the word ‘love’ made her blush and her body felt as if it was burning up. ‘But if I feel the same, how can it be so wrong?’ she asked.
Mark shook his head apologetically, and threw himself flat against the bed, staring up at the ceiling, as if waiting for divine intervention to tell him what to do. Jade suddenly felt awkward and very naked. Rejected and frustrated, she slipped her T-shirt and underwear back on and opened the door to go back to her room.
‘I am worth more than this, Mark,’ she snapped. ‘And if that doesn’t sink into your head pretty bloody soon, it’s going to be too late.’
As she turned back towards the door she was shocked to see Mark’s mother Susan glaring at them both from the corridor, her face a mixture of fury and disappointment.
Chapter 79
NICK
Nick’s appetite had all but disappeared. Each time he tried to fill his empty, rumbling stomach, he felt like bringing it back up again. So instead he stuck to his diet of cigarettes, chewing gum and bottles of flavoured water.
His initial reaction to discovering he was going to become a father was to shy away and he’d check himself into the central Birmingham hotel room he’d stayed in when he and Sally first separated. Unlike Alex’s apartment that was littered with his possessions, this anonymous room would help him think without his judgment being clouded.
Hour upon hour of solitude followed, as he stood at the ninth-storey window, taking in the city’s diverse skyline. He’d discovered that by removing the four screws from the window frame, he could disable the safety catches that prevented the window from being opened fully. He held the first two screws in the palm of his hand and an idea came to him. He quickly dismissed it, yet still he continued to turn the remaining two with a teaspoon. It was a solution that could put a stop to him being everyone’s problem, he reasoned.
Nick chose not to respond to any of Alex’s text messages that evening. He didn’t know how to tell that him that, instead of travelling to London to renew his passport, he’d actually spent the evening with his ex-girlfriend trying to come to terms with the fact that he could have a child by the end of the year. As the tone of Alex’s unanswered texts became more and more concerned, and the calls and voice-mails more frequent, Nick decided to switch his phone off.
A gentle breeze drifted through the window and reached Nick’s face but he didn’t register it. Instead, he recalled how he’d always wanted children but it was Sally who hadn’t been so sure. They’d reached a compromise that they’d wait until a couple of years after they married and would let nature take its course. But their city break to Bruges saw an end to that and now they were dealing with the consequences.
‘You can make this happen or you can make this stop,’ Sally had been at pains to point out, and he believed her. ‘I’m just presenting you with the facts. You can either be a father or not. I just know I can’t do this by myself. I’m not threatening you or giving you an ultimatum.’
It didn’t feel that way to Nick.
He was pragmatic in his approach and had worked through each viable way he could play a part in his child’s life and still remain with Alex. He figured he could still emigrate to New Zealand and, with flight prices falling year-on-year, he might be able to afford a return trip to the UK at least once a year, even twice if he was careful with his money. The rest of the time, he could watch his child grow up via FaceTime and Skype. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it was what thousands of armed service parents did, stationed countries apart from their children. And there’s no reason why Sally might not also bring their child over to visit. This was all on the assumption that she’d view this idea as ‘not being alone’. She was so scared of raising the baby by herself and he wanted to be there as much as he could. He couldn’t face thinking of the other option Sally had presented him with.
He paused and closed his eyes, opening his mouth for the big reveal. But self-preservation prevented his voice from escaping. He reminded himself that if he gave up on his mission now, then for the rest of his life it would become his only regret. A tiny portion of him would resent Amy for coming between him and his killings, and gradually that rancour would grow from a seed into a tree that would eventually block out the light that shone from her. And it scared him what he might do to her if he ever felt himself begrudging her.
‘I want everything that you want,’ he said quietly, and meant it.
Then he stared at the table, afraid to look her in the eye in case she saw straight through him and realised the man she loved had no soul.
Chapter 78
JADE
With just two days until she began the next leg of her Australian adventure, Jade was no longer as eager to leave Kevin’s family farm as she had been.
Mark’s kiss had changed everything. Loyalty and common decency had initially kept them apart, but after giving in to their emotions that one time in the pool, they were now making up for lost time, stealing as many moments as they could when nobody was looking. Jade would accompany Mark to town to pick up supplies, holding his hand on the gearstick; their arms would brush up against each other’s at the dining table and she’d assist him herding the cows into the sheds before fixing them up to the milking machinery. Every minute spent with Mark made Jade’s heart threaten to beat its way out of her chest.
He was an addiction she didn’t want to be free of. And the more she had of him, the more she craved.
As she packed her suitcase and prepared herself for her forthcoming solo journey around Australia, the need to be with him was the strongest it had ever been. She felt short of breath when she thought of what the next five weeks might feel like without him nearby, and an ever-growing part of her wanted to stay on the farm.
Then, on Jade’s final night, she decided their kisses, hand-holding and infrequent frissons were no longer enough. She slipped the silver band from her wedding finger and left it on her bedside table, then closed the door to the guesthouse and silently padded towards Mark’s bedroom in the main house. Her hands felt clammy as she reached for the handle and she prayed to God he wasn’t going to reject her advances. But his door was already ajar and, when she pushed it open, she found him lying awake facing her, as if he’d been expecting her to come.
He pulled the sheet to one side to invite her in.
‘Come with me tomorrow,’ Jade whispered afterwards, her body exhausted and her lungs close to breathless.
‘You know I can’t, it’s too complicated.’
‘Don’t you think I know that? I was the one who married your brother.’
‘And I’m the one who’s just screwed his wife.’
‘What did you just say?’ she asked, pushing herself away from him. ‘Is that all I am to you, a shag?’
‘I’m sorry, it’s not what I meant.’
‘It’s what you said, though. I’m not some cheap slapper who jumps into bed with any lad.’
‘I know, I know and I shouldn’t have said that.’ Mark reached out to hold her hand.
‘You and I know there’s something here that’s bigger than both of us.’
Mark nodded.
‘So come with me. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it could be in a week or a fortnight’s time. Just tell your parents you need to get away from here to clear your head. Give us some time together on our own to figure out what this is. You owe us this chance.’
‘Jade, I’m needed here.’
‘And I need you.’
‘I can’t do that to my family or to Kevin’s memory. How can I tell people … people who came to his funeral two weeks ago, that I’m in love with my sister-in-law?’
Mark’s use of the word ‘love’ made her blush and her body felt as if it was burning up. ‘But if I feel the same, how can it be so wrong?’ she asked.
Mark shook his head apologetically, and threw himself flat against the bed, staring up at the ceiling, as if waiting for divine intervention to tell him what to do. Jade suddenly felt awkward and very naked. Rejected and frustrated, she slipped her T-shirt and underwear back on and opened the door to go back to her room.
‘I am worth more than this, Mark,’ she snapped. ‘And if that doesn’t sink into your head pretty bloody soon, it’s going to be too late.’
As she turned back towards the door she was shocked to see Mark’s mother Susan glaring at them both from the corridor, her face a mixture of fury and disappointment.
Chapter 79
NICK
Nick’s appetite had all but disappeared. Each time he tried to fill his empty, rumbling stomach, he felt like bringing it back up again. So instead he stuck to his diet of cigarettes, chewing gum and bottles of flavoured water.
His initial reaction to discovering he was going to become a father was to shy away and he’d check himself into the central Birmingham hotel room he’d stayed in when he and Sally first separated. Unlike Alex’s apartment that was littered with his possessions, this anonymous room would help him think without his judgment being clouded.
Hour upon hour of solitude followed, as he stood at the ninth-storey window, taking in the city’s diverse skyline. He’d discovered that by removing the four screws from the window frame, he could disable the safety catches that prevented the window from being opened fully. He held the first two screws in the palm of his hand and an idea came to him. He quickly dismissed it, yet still he continued to turn the remaining two with a teaspoon. It was a solution that could put a stop to him being everyone’s problem, he reasoned.
Nick chose not to respond to any of Alex’s text messages that evening. He didn’t know how to tell that him that, instead of travelling to London to renew his passport, he’d actually spent the evening with his ex-girlfriend trying to come to terms with the fact that he could have a child by the end of the year. As the tone of Alex’s unanswered texts became more and more concerned, and the calls and voice-mails more frequent, Nick decided to switch his phone off.
A gentle breeze drifted through the window and reached Nick’s face but he didn’t register it. Instead, he recalled how he’d always wanted children but it was Sally who hadn’t been so sure. They’d reached a compromise that they’d wait until a couple of years after they married and would let nature take its course. But their city break to Bruges saw an end to that and now they were dealing with the consequences.
‘You can make this happen or you can make this stop,’ Sally had been at pains to point out, and he believed her. ‘I’m just presenting you with the facts. You can either be a father or not. I just know I can’t do this by myself. I’m not threatening you or giving you an ultimatum.’
It didn’t feel that way to Nick.
He was pragmatic in his approach and had worked through each viable way he could play a part in his child’s life and still remain with Alex. He figured he could still emigrate to New Zealand and, with flight prices falling year-on-year, he might be able to afford a return trip to the UK at least once a year, even twice if he was careful with his money. The rest of the time, he could watch his child grow up via FaceTime and Skype. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it was what thousands of armed service parents did, stationed countries apart from their children. And there’s no reason why Sally might not also bring their child over to visit. This was all on the assumption that she’d view this idea as ‘not being alone’. She was so scared of raising the baby by herself and he wanted to be there as much as he could. He couldn’t face thinking of the other option Sally had presented him with.
